|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Sun Oct 24, 2010 4:31 pm
The story below is based on a dream that I had. In fact, if I remember correctly, the majority of what is written in the story happened in my dream. I had it a while ago, and as I reread it tonight, it's quite interesting how it feels like I didn't even write it. Anyway, due to the fact that I dreamed this, most of what happened wasn't really under my control, because I wanted the story to be as accurate as possible. Anyway, there is a lot of death in this story. It's actually quite sad. Just a warning. Also, there are a lot of type-os that I decided to leave alone. I'll probably fix them eventually on the version that I have on my website, but here for Gaia, I'm a bit too lazy. Sorry.
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Nov 03, 2010 11:04 pm
I like your story. Interesting plot and interesting idea. You also killed off a fairly main character that I actually liked and totally hated you for doing that, but at the same time it was unexpected and made me want to keep reading.
But there is quite a bit that can be done to it smile
In the first paragraph you said that the planet was usually warm until the sky and waters blackened. Was there a significance to this event or just something really cool, because it didn't play much of a part in the story.
Later on Pug survives, but Bobby doesn't know that, that's just an "I'm the Author and God of this world, look at the info I can tell you!" kind of thing. If Pug were to make an appearance later leave his being alive alone so that it is more of a surprise.
Your ending is a little shakey. I liked the ending, but I feel like it needed another sentence to wrap everything up and all together. Like the Leviathan had formed a bond with the first thing it had seen and Bobby was destined to forever more be its prisoner, or something like that.
A lot of your story is a bit stop and go and the level of detail you get varies drastically. I do feel at times like you're right out a movies you are watching. Example - when the boys get in the boat you say that they all sit down and that Bobby sits next to the rudder. Just tell us that Bobby sits next to the rudder and let us imagine the rest. not every small action has to be explained.
Don't be afraid to give us a little more detail in the time intervals that you cut off. Sailing on the open sea may be boring when all that you see is a distant horizon and endless blue, but spend a little time to describe it so that it doesn't make your world so small. With a little more detail in your sailing I think you'll make it feel like there's more distance between the objects in your world and make the world a little bigger.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Nov 09, 2010 4:43 pm
Thanks for reading my story. Did you read though that part that tells the reader that this is based on a dream though? Because it's based on a dream that I actually had, there were a lot of issues with the story. I mean, I didn't want to make up too much or exclude too much, just to make sense of it. I've tried that with another story, and it didn't work out, because it wasn't close enough to my dream.
I'm actually not sure if Pug is dead, alive, or was even there to begin with (or Tiki, at this point). They might not have even been in the dream. I said "except" for Pug, because Bobby didn't see his dead body, not because he was actually alive. Sorry for the misunderstanding sweatdrop .
As for the black water thing, the water was dark when Bobby went sailing. I guess it is a storm type of setting where things get dark and you know something bad's going to happen. It's a dream, remember?
The story ends pretty much how my dream ended. Trust me, it's not as weird as the one where I actually dreamed about one of my characters, Bloody Death/Jack, and this boyish girl named Chris. There were too many thngs that didn't make sense in the story itself, but the ending was awsome o.o;. Of course, the story itself of the dream made too little sense that each time I tried to rewrite it, I just wasn't feelin' it, o.o;. I'd rather not add much that wasn't in the dream. I think I did edit/add some things, and excluded other things for certain reasons, but for the most part it's very close to my dream.
Well, as for the stop and time lapse and stuff, again, it's a lot like my dream. I didn't give some details, because some of the dream was very detailed, and other times it was strange. For example, in the part where Bobby is talking to his uncle, I actually got one of those boxes with dialogue in it, not actual "video" imagery, also with Bobby swimming from the one island to the next, I actually pictured this little chibi thing moving over the water or somethin' like that. Most of it though was pretty detailed like the rest of the story.
I thought the leviathan forming a bond/obsession with Bobby was pretty obvious in the Leviathan's words. I don't think I needed to repeat it at the end of the story, even if it wasn't based off of a dream. That would be pretty redundant. Besides, Bobby doesn't want to be bonded with the leviathan. He just doesn't want what remains of the human race to be destroyed.
Sorry. ><;. It's because it was based on a dream, so I kind of had less control over it. In a way, this is based off of a true story (and that story happens to be a dream, so it was based off of a real dream), and I pictured the dream as though I was watching a movie, so I kind of did want to give that feel too. If it was purely a work of fiction that I just made up without dreaming it first, I likely wouldn't have bothered writing it in the first place ><;.
Aha, I'm sorry. I'm not trying to argue with you or anything. It's just that it would be like if I wrote a story about my childhood. There are just some things that I can't really do much about the story and still have it be true.
I don't know if that makes sense or not. It's like I explained in that one PM, I'm not sure if I make sense. Misunderstandings seem to happen a lot with me ><.
Mail for Sail was even more weird than that o.o;.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Nov 13, 2010 6:11 pm
Right. I remember reading that it had been a dream and then forgot it >.< sorry sweatdrop That makes sense the way that you don't want to destroy the originality and spontaneity of it.
no problem, I just thought it was a here's an interesting fact for you to learn.
When I keep the dream idea in mind the black water makes sense now since not a lot of scenery detail goes into dreams since you aren't completely conscience.
Now that I remember it's a dream I understand how it end so suddenly. (I had a dream where I was with friends in a Labyrinth doing a dungeons and dragons style/type battle and I rounded the corner and went "We found the" *alarm clock* I couldn't even begin to guess what I found.)
Now that you explain that it's a dream all of my "I'm so lost" comments seem irrelevant smile I would say though, that even if it is based off a true story, you are telling a story and that details are important. It's all right to add extra detail, a little extra detail will not immediately destroy any originality.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Nov 13, 2010 6:18 pm
XD. To be honest with you, even now as an adult, I confuse some of my dreams with reality, and reality with my dreams. For all I know, all this is a dream and reality is what I've been dreaming.
But, for example, a few weeks ago or so, I went downstairs and someone said something about daylight savings time, and I had realized that I slept an extra hour or so. Now, that either really happened last time it was daylight savings time (not this past time just a couple weeks or so ago, because I just realized then, before dst, that it hadn't happened yet (although it has now.), or it was a dream, but I had honestly thought it really happened already.
There was another one when I got up too early in the morning, walked out into the hallway, and laid back down, and then someone walked by and acted like they thought I was stupid, even commenting (which is something said person would do). I crawled back into bed, and I'm still not sure if that really happened, or if I dreamed it ><;.
And for brief moments when I wake up lately, I've had to figure out if I had dreamed, or if I had really lived those events and went back to bed, because they were so real ><;.
Aha, but yeah, I do like advice, it's just hard to take when basing stories on real life or on dreams. I meant like, let's say I wrote a story about my childhood, but I don't remember all of my childhood, and some is fuzzy, and other parts of it may have been just dreams (a lot of my childhood dreams I still remember, and I'm not sure if some of what I remember of my childhood really happened or was a dream, like this one time when I was going up some stairs in a very cluttered room with some family, and passed a dead mouse. I don't remember all the rest, but it was kind of creepy, and actually possible, but may have been a dream), I may want to leave those parts out in the story, rather than making stuff up to try to make sense of the gaps ><;.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
