Welcome to Gaia! ::

A short story, please do give criticism, both good and bad!

And I know this story is published on my other account, Demon In Your Womb. So don't sue me for plagiarism k?

XD!



Once there was a demon... Who......


"Hey! What are you doing today, my beautiful wife?" The demon asked.
"Oh, well, just thinking...." The Gaian said.
"Thinking about what?" The demon asked.
"Oh...... About our baby.... That we might have some day..."
"what baby? I know you don't care about children. So come on! Tell me what you are actually thinking of, sweetie," The demon said, while crawling closer across the bed, towards her lover.
She in turn sat up and crawled alittle over to her also. And then they put their faces right in front of each other, and began to mimick each others faces that each made, taking turn one by one. They slowly got a little closer and kept getting closer towards, each other, until their lips were slightly touching, almost kissing, but instead actually about to kiss, and then they slighted tilted each of their heads, knowing what romantic act they were about to do. The full act of which they were going to do.
"Oh.... My goodness!" The demon said, blushing alittle on how intimate it was going to get.
"Oh...... My ferocious embryo! What are you going to do, to your fetus today?" The Gaian asked blushing also.
Then they kissed. And just as it slightly began to get alittle rough-pressed; the demon and Gaian pulled away!
"Now tell me, what you were thinking of!"
"No!"
"come on!" The demon said, while looking in her eyes intimately, and drooling alittle. Then the Gaian blushed alittle in return, and moved her tongue over to the demon's mouth, and wrapped her salivating tongue around the demon's fangs and began sucking on her fangs until her erotic venom, came out. And just let the venom slide down her throat.
"Now tell me! What you were thinking of?"
"Fine alright! I'll tell ya! Just shush, alright?"
"Okay," the demon said quietly, almost whisperly.
"I was thinking of, where you came from. That's all sweet little imaginary friend.
"Oh..." The demon said, restraining painful tears.
The demon then jumped on the Gaian, and pinned her down, and licked her bra, kissed her face, lips, and neck. And she tugged at the Gaian's underwear with her mouth and fangs. And she continued to ravish her while even making love with her lesbianic Gaian love.
The thoughts that were going to through the demon's head, were:
"Why?! Why, oh why, does she still not recognize me not just as a imaginary friend lover, but as a real life and real person lover? This love that we have always loved of, this love that we have always known….. Why does she act so oblivious to the fact that I might be real, and I am her REAL lover! Why, why must I continue to fantasize about that day when she deems me real enough to be hers, her lover…. Why must I wait till that day? Why does that day never come to me! WHY MUST I BE SO TORMENTED BY THIS LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!”

Oh mercy have heart,
As love does be free,
Let me see,
And be as ordinary as a Mom and a grocery cart,
Let me be real,
Let us have a deal,
About my love,
That taunts me so, with me in chains,
And full of woe, ‘till the day we use canes,
Let me have have a dove,
To help peck away these love chains,
Of reality and schizophrenia insanes,
Which we both face,
For I do not know if this love is real,
And the Gaian does question me as a reality also,
Or just a fantasy…

I would suggest as well that you try to use more synonyms for said and asked to give your story a little more variety.

The pacing of your story was a little fast. The scene that was supposed to be very sensual was a sentence long. Instead of spending time on that section and allowing us to drink in that sensual scene and feel our own feelings arouse, you just breezed by it.

Thank you so much!