This is a piece I recently finished. It is the opener to my entire series, and I'm posting it here for feedback and critique, so I can make it worthwhile.
I have some specific questions I'd like my readers to answer, but I'm posting those after the written piece, cause I want you to read it unbiased. If you're way too curious, I guess you can scroll down first.
I have some specific questions I'd like my readers to answer, but I'm posting those after the written piece, cause I want you to read it unbiased. If you're way too curious, I guess you can scroll down first.
"Whoop whoop yah! Whoop whoop yah!"
The hollering resounded through the night air, the first sign of an approaching raid party.
"Oh good lord, what now?" Father Celestino murmured as the carriage noteably picked up speed. As if the ruts in the dirt road weren't enough, careening over them at such a pace caused his head to thwack against the hard wood. His balding head was starting to ache.
"What a time to be robbed!" Mrs. Potter lamented. She rung a piece of cloth in her pudgy hands and almost seemed to sink into the seat.
"What a time indeed." The dapper, young, Mr. Cockles agreed. It was hard to tell if he was nodding, or if it was merely an effect of the carriage's speed. He took the hand of his younger sister, Lauren, and she seemed to cling to him.
Outside, the driver could be heard as he bellowed at the horses to go faster and cracked his whip.
"Father, does the carriage behind us not carry the churches recent collections?" Mrs. Potter asked, her words broken with the bouncing of the carriage.
"Ah, but it does." Father Celestino replied, his head painfully knocking against the wood once again, "But the money of the church is to help the unfortunate, and surely those who must steal are the poorest of us all." He said so, but to part with the collections of an entire week was still a pain to him. The new United States of America was still suffering great debt from its recent revolution, and there were not near so many Catholics here as in England. Those two factors combined created slim pickings for the church, and what little they could gather was yet decreasing in every town.
"Look!" Lauren pointed towards the window that she otherwise shrank away from, "They're gaining on us!"
If he squinted, Father Celestino could just barely make out the dark shapes of at least ten riders, flanking the carriage on either side. "Dear Miss Lauren, I suspect they only mean to take our gold from us- between the four of us, and the three in the other carriage, there is a small fortune. Our lives, I believe, are quite safe, as long as we are cooperable."
Lauren nodded shakily, her green eyes still full of doubt and fear.
Father Celestino breathed deeply and held tightly to the edge of the window to better support his whole body against the jostling of the carriage.
The pace of the carriages was no match for that of the horses carrying single riders, and they were quickly surrounded and forced to a slow stop. The passengers could at least be relieved that the tumultous ride was over.
Now a new threat loomed before them.
There were a few tormenting moments of suspense as the riders slowly circled the carriages, and a few dark laughs caused Lauren's spine to tingle. She glanced up at her brother, who was staring straight forward at nothing in paticular with a stony expression.
The raiders seemed to already know which carriage held the real goods, and only two were stationed outside the carriage with the Father, the Cockles, and Mrs. Potter, while the rest pilliaged the church donations.
"No doubt some of them atteneded your sermon." Mr. Cockles remarked, "Which is why they knew to come after us, and the Hanes' carriage in paticular." He cringed as a woman, probably Mrs. Hanes herself, screamed from the other carriage.
"There you'd be correct," One of the men outside answered, leaning over on his horse to look into the carriage, "Okay folks, I'm gonna pass this bag around and you put anything of worth into it. If its not full enough when you give it back, my comrade and I will personally search you. If you cooperate, we won't even make you get out of the carriage." He shoved a rough cloth sack through the window and Lauren took it, glancing up at their captor. But the night concealed his face, and she realized dishearteningly that she'd never be able to identify him in a court room.
She was the first to drop her necklace, brooch, and coins into the sack, and then passed it along to her brother.
"Ruffians." He muttered as he cleaned himself of valuable trinkets.
Mrs. Potter had a harder time giving up her possessions, and her little double chin wobbled as she filled the sack. "Father..." She quavered as she passed it along.
Father Celestino had little of worth on him, except maybe the cross pendant he wore under his robe. It was a talisman given to him by the cardinal back in England, and held more religious value than economic value. Still wondering if he should give it up, his thoughts were interupted by some distinct shouting outside.
"Its not here!" Howled the voice. It was high, but not that of a woman. Father Celestino realized it was from a young boy, one that might have made an excellent addition to the church choir. "Find it for me, now! No one will get anymore gold until it's found!"
How strange that such a young boy should have such influence, but even the two men stationed at the Father's carriage seemed to react, and the sack was snatched back before Father Celestino had any time to give up what he had.
"Okay, we're searching for a cross pendant, bout as long as a thumb, made of hard lead. You got it, give it up."
Father Celestino almost rolled his eyes at the irony. "I have it, gentlemen." He drew the pendant out from under his robe and took it from around his neck.
The two men glanced at each other through the windows, as though they felt that same irony.
"Ronnie!" One on of them hollered, "Its over here, with the Father."
The passengers of the first carriage heard a third horse gallop over. Among the raiders, it was so quiet- even at the second carriage, that they heard the rider dismount. The carriage door opened and the space was filled with the body of a boy. "Falco, get me some light." He demaded, "I can't see a thing."
A torch was hastily lit and given to the so-called Ronnie.
In the light, Father Celestino could see his face. 'What a shame' he though to himself, 'that such a young soul should be so associated with such renagaes.'
"You have the pendant?" Ronnie eagerly asked. He stared at the Father with bright blue eyes.
"Yes, and I give it to you." Father Celestino told him as he dropped the pendant into the boy's open hand.
Ronnie turned it around and ran his fingers along every edge, "This is it. Tis finally mine." And he took nothing short of a breath of victory.
"What do you desire of such a talisman?" Father Celestino asked him, and the boy glanced up at him, momentarily distracted from his prize.
"I will not tell you." Ronnie retorted, "As of now it belongs to me, and is no longer any of your concern."
"Then," The Father conceded, "I hope it brings you what you wish for."
The boy was briefly suprised by the priest's words, "I... I shall make sure it does."
"Goodluck, boy."
Ronnie took a deep breath and nodded, and then stepped back from the carriage. He glanced back at the Father once more before mounting his horse, and holding the cross above his head he shouted, "I have what I want. Now get what you want!"
A cheer broke out from the riders and all at once the night was full of noise again. Father Celestino closed his eyes and leaned back as the chaos ensued. He did not wish to see the tears rolling down Lauren's face, or the stony expression of her brother, nor the uncontrolled shaking of Mrs. Potter. He tried to not hear Mr. Hanes shouting in the other carriage, or his wife shrieking, or their newly born daughter bawling. What was happening now could not be stopped, and he only wished he could fast foward through time, to when it would all be over and done with.
Though he successfully closed his mind even to the whooping of the raiders, he could hardly ignore the two men who still guarded their carriage as they began to speak, and answered between them some questions the Father had not dared to ask.
"This isn't too shabby. As long as the boys out there don't hide anything for themselves, I think we'll get a pretty good split."
"Huh, it could be better. This is more like a trial run, what with all the youngsters come with us."
"Ronnie's got to be the first 'youngster' to have control of the whole party his first time out."
"Yeah, damn. Who put him in charge of this thing?"
"Huh, didn't you know? His mom's the one who got it started. "
Okay, questions:
Were the characters developed enough for that short part?
Can you tell I don't know anything about carriages, or horse-back riding?
Is the short conversation between Ronnie and the Priest too short?
Anything else?
