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I've got a million things running through my brain right now, most are bad, unpleasant.

I wish I could jog, I'd go jogging instead of gym, but honestly it makes my heart explode and my tits hurt and my side cramps instantly hard enough to make me nauseuosasdflkjalskdj I can't spell that ******** word. Die.

I'd like to be outside right now instead of in the stink a** gym with ******** dude who stares and makes hissing noises at the ******** mirror next to me, or with dude who is liek SPOOOOOORTS LOL

I read bad terrible things and they're stuck in my brain. If _______ happened to me I would _______. What would be the consequences? What would be the outcome?

Now I have about 4 scenarios I was presented with and read, and my brain is trying to figure out how I could cope or what I could/would do in the situations to prevent it from happening going through my brain.

I'm not what I say I am. I'm not strong, I'm not dominant, but being the opposite of that makes me want to cry. My face is turning red and burning just thinking about it. I'm getting angry trying to imagine myself being submissive or passive. MY HEAD IS STARTING TO HURT.

I am not strong, but I am not weak.

I wil never let it happen. I will do wahtever it takes, even if the consequence is as severe as jail or death to prevent from being treated like that.

I always react like this and read about s**t anyway. It doesn't even affect me or anyone I know whyyyyyyy do I give a ********?

Maybe with the Judo thing. Not sure about my ability to handle martial arts though. xD I'm kinda...afraid I'd get drunk and use it as WHAT DID YOU SAY TO ME b***h? I KNOW JUDO *STARTS A BARFIGHT JUST SO SHE CAN OVERPOWER AND SUBDUE SOMEONE*

I mostly feel much better now. I actually forgot I made this topic until I came back from the gym. sweatdrop

I think I just needed to write that and go work out to feel better.

And I had a relatively normal childhood. That's the weird thing! I've never been attacked, assaulted or physically abused! No sexual stuff either! So that's what puzzles me as to my weird reactions to things that have never touched my life.

I dealt with some moderate s**t, including a threat to my life and an emotionally abusive relationship around my grandmother's death in my early 20's, but I'm 30 now, and I rarely even think about that stuff unless it's brought up or something reminds me of it.

Maybe it did affect me more than I realize?

It's been all my life. I remember being 5 and rambling on to my mother about how I was just as strong as a boy and that I was a 'tough girl.' In preschool once I remember this boy was sassing to one of the chaperones so I did too because I wanted to be just as brazen and tough.

I remember skinning my knee once annd I remember repeatedly asking my mother if I was just as strong as a boy. I remember bragging if I was stronger than a boy, or I could run faster, pull harder during tug of war...pretty much if I did ANYTHING better than someone I judged who was supposed to be stronger/better at something than me. I'd run inside and cry instead of crying in front of neighborhood kids. I'd wrestle with the kids next door and throw crap at them.

HA I also remember when I was about 8, I got this neighborkid who was younger than me to parade around someone's yard with his pants/underwear down and his shirt lifted over his head. I later found out he was mentally challanged when I was much much older. Wtf. Going to hell. xD But I remember at the time that I was really pumped that I had the kind of power to convince someone to do something like that. I didn't threaten him or anything, I just talked him into it. But lol lookign back, I probably could have talked him into earing rocks.

I was teased and bullied a lot towards the end of elementary and throughout the entirety of middle school, and I was scared of my tormenters, so most likely, then.