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Jukeboxes - Jay

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Deafening the Silence

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PostPosted: Tue Oct 19, 2010 8:07 am


A diner bar
Stickly holding catsup and
Sugar
The jukebox howls
Songs no one knows
He taps along
Anyways
Clicking, ticking on the counter
Cheese fries melt the griddle
He makes wordless
Laughter
Matching the jelly fish bubbles
In oil for onion rings
Sweet kisses fall
Among cheeks
Complimenting
Twangs of steel guitars
From howling jukeboxes
Muddy hair whisps
Through his fingers
Then around my blushed face
The diner
Hums with what we hope
Love
Simple as tangy and sweet
Catsup and sugar
You
And
Me
PostPosted: Fri Oct 29, 2010 11:11 pm


I almost wish you had named this Diner Heart or Diner Love or something other then Jukeboxes, because I was looking for more about the jukeboxes in your poem, but not finding as much about it as I was expecting.

I liked the story and scenery that you created with the poem and I enjoyed the almost bluesy rythym that I felt when reading it. I had only two complaints.

Quote:
Cheese fries melt the griddle
I think that you meant that they melt on the griddle, not that the cheese fries are so amazing that the griddle is returning to a liquid state. smile

and you have two lines with Jukebox in it and the word that accompanies it both times is howl. I think that maybe if you used a synonym for it one of the times it would give a little more variety while not destroying the piece.

Ultimate Blond
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Deafening the Silence

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PostPosted: Mon Nov 01, 2010 11:09 am


Ultimate Blond


Quote:
Cheese fries melt the griddle
I think that you meant that they melt on the griddle, not that the cheese fries are so amazing that the griddle is returning to a liquid state. smile

and you have two lines with Jukebox in it and the word that accompanies it both times is howl. I think that maybe if you used a synonym for it one of the times it would give a little more variety while not destroying the piece.


I actually did mean for the cheese line to be that was smile

And as for the howling, I really had no idea I had repeated that lol
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Poet's Paradise

 
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