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 Posted: Tue Oct 12, 2010 8:19 pm
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
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Posted: Tue Oct 12, 2010 8:21 pm
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Posted: Tue Oct 12, 2010 8:24 pm
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Posted: Tue Oct 12, 2010 8:30 pm
In my opinion, they need more length to them. Try not to use too many ellipses (the "..."s) and use more description, even if it's in a first-person view. They seem to fly fast, and don't give the reader to gather what's going on. Adjectives, thicker sentences instead of chopping them up, and good punctuation and grammar are the first things that come to mind. The second one last my interest, so this critique goes only to the first story.
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Posted: Tue Oct 12, 2010 8:35 pm
Thank you for you'r opinions!
Well, this is just the first paragraphs of the story, (Like I said, it is suposed to be a book.) So, they were not suposed to be so long. ^^*
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Posted: Tue Oct 12, 2010 8:37 pm
True, but I would still suggest to lengthen it out a tad with more descriptions. Show the person what's going on, not exact dry statements (not saying that you did so, but I've seen it in many other works when peer editing, *shiver*).
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Posted: Tue Oct 12, 2010 8:41 pm
^^
So, overall, do you like em'??
I hope so.
Do you like the idea?
Do you like how I wrote it?
xD I have a lot of things I wanna know.
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Posted: Wed Oct 13, 2010 3:41 pm
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Posted: Wed Oct 13, 2010 3:57 pm
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Posted: Wed Oct 13, 2010 9:11 pm
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Posted: Thu Oct 14, 2010 7:31 pm
Hobos-Yesh ^^
So, overall, do you like em'??
I hope so.
Do you like the idea?
Do you like how I wrote it?
xD I have a lot of things I wanna know. In truth, there's too little to judge for me. When I critique, I'm usually harsh (unless you catch me in a "happy-pippy-good mood") and give suggestions and pin point everything. You can write more and PM it to me. (If you would really like some more suggestions, PM is the fastest way to get to me.)
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Posted: Fri Oct 22, 2010 6:34 pm
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Irako of the Desert Vice Captain
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Posted: Wed Oct 27, 2010 12:09 pm
Valentorv is right, they're all waaaay too short to be chapters. That's just one paragraph apiece.
The first one, your sentence structure hardly varies. I see a lot of "I did this" or "I thought this" over and over. It makes it very choppy, repetitive, and boring. You could try doing something like this.
Quote: I could see him walking down the sidewalk, but he was nothing more than a shadow in this fog. Wanting a better look, I leaped silently onto the top of another building, then ran to the edge and jumped for the next one until I was just above the stranger.
I just combined four of your sentences into one sentence that says the same thing. Also, there's very little description of surroundings and characters. All of a sudden, you're jumping from roof to roof. You know Ben's name just by looking at him, and he sprouts glasses and loses twenty pounds right away.
Same kind of thing with your second story's sentence structure. It needs to vary way more than it does now. Also, to be honest, the second one has a really annoying tone. I'm reading it and imagining a high-pitched, squeaky voice that's preaching at me. I don't know how you would go about fixing that.
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Posted: Wed Oct 27, 2010 12:28 pm
Really, I think that they could use A LOOOOT of work with sentence structure and grammer. I see a lot of mistakes. Quote: I ran to the edge, and jumped. Landing on the roof of another building. This could be easily combined as such 'I ran to the edge of the build and jumped, landing on the roof of another.' Also there is very limited vocabulary in both of these. Find more exotic words like instead of using edge all the time maybe swap it out once or twice for a better word like precipice? This is really unecessary Quote: Ben (Short for Benjamin) turned, Sentence structure error it should be The boy, Ben, turned and looked straight at me. To be honest, I don't really like either of these much and they could use a LOT a LOT and a LOT of structural, gramatical, and vocabulary-related corrections and revisions And these are WAY to short to be chapters. Paragraph does not equal chapter Also if it is a story, you shouldn't really(imo) write it like you are talking to the reader. Quote: Where were they all heading you ask? and Quote: What are they? You shall see. 'Wars could be adverted with communication... ╔══════════════╗
In order to pull off schemes like that you must have tons of talent to spare... which IMO, I don't think that are nearly ready for
And you should add much more detail. I don't know what any of the characters look like really and this is supposed to be an opening chapter? Idk if you should even consider using these. I would just start back at the drawing board. Have a specific theme or something in mind. Write notes and ideas down on paper and look to see what you have brain stormed and map the story and create a skeleton. Because here it seemed like you wung it and it is HIGHLY evident...
╚══════════════╝ ...Turning animosity into admiration'
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Posted: Wed Oct 27, 2010 12:30 pm
Quote: Who is Sally? Who am I? Oh no, where are my manners, let me introduce myself, and my family. I am pooky, Sally’s teady bear. I am brown, and fluffy. With black eyes that shine. I don’t seem like much, but as you will learn, I am very observant, and smart. (Even though I have never traveled out of this home.) Sally, is the smallest of the humans. She is short, and has light brown hair. It is long, and almost reaches the back of her knees. She loved to dress me up in pink dresses, and have tea parties. Jenny, Her big sister is tall, slender, and wears a little to much make up. Oh, and do not call her by her name. She is Jen. If you call her Jenny, she will… you do not want to know what she will do. But do not worry, there is a boy in this family to. An obnoxious, violent, annoying, pesty, boy. His name is Greg. Or, like he likes to called, Dragon. But, he looks nothing like a dragon. He is short, had long, blond hair, skinny, and he has the face of a smaller boy. And then, there is the Oldest of the humans. I never learned her name… but we all know her by, Mom. She is about as tall as Jenny, and is very pritty. But, you will not hear to much about her in this story. Well, now that everybody is introduced, I can get onto telling you, the reader, a few warnings. This is not a story for little kids. It does not end with “Happily ever after,” and I do not talk, nor run around. I am just you’r normal stuffed bear. So if you are expecting a delightful tale of happiness and fantasy, I ask you to put this book down, and grab another. 'Wars could be adverted with communication... ╔══════════════╗
This whole story I really just dislike. It is written with poor style and yet again it is like you are talking to the reader, which I highly suggest not even thinking about TRYING it ╚══════════════╝ ...Turning animosity into admiration'
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