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 Posted: Fri Jan 20, 2006 10:57 am
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
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Posted: Fri Jan 20, 2006 8:50 pm
>w< It's really good. :3
One thing, though...You misspelled 'paopu'. It's p-a-o-p-u. ^^
Other than that, there were just a couple of minor grammar problems. Like, for instance, you should always put a comma before someone's name when he or she is being directly spoken to. For example, "Please don't change Riku," would become, "Please don't change, Riku." ^_^
Also, you should place a comma before the word 'too'. Ex: "After a few seconds, Sora joined in, too." Oh, and that reminds me, you should put commas after introductory clauses, too. ^^
Uh, what else? Oh, also, there is no such as word as 'alright'. It's a spelling mistake that for some reason was adopted by the general population. ^^; Instead, it would simply be, 'all right'.
Gah, I'm sorry for sounding like a total spelling/grammar nerd. For some reason, I have this weird obsession with commas... sweatdrop *sigh* It's all my 7th grade Language Arts teacher's fault, really...^^;
I wish I could say something concerning the flow or characterization, but nothing really seems, well, wrong or out of place. Lol, wish I could do that in my writing...XD; *somewhat jealous*
Overall, though, I really, really enjoyed reading it. I highly encourage you to keep writing, as you have a lot of talent. ^__^ <3
~*~*~*~
Hmmm...A bunch of fanfic topics have been popping up lately...Maybe I should talk to KeaLe about maybe making a sub-forum? :3 Gah, pity he's not online right now...><
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Posted: Fri Jan 20, 2006 10:20 pm
I loved it *wants more* heart
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Posted: Fri Jan 20, 2006 10:59 pm
Nayoko Shigenoi I loved it *wants more* heart
Lol, pity it's a one-shot. XD;
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Posted: Sat Jan 21, 2006 4:24 pm
Torrina Shirogane >w< It's really good. :3 One thing, though...You misspelled 'paopu'. It's p-a-o-p-u. ^^ Other than that, there were just a couple of minor grammar problems. Like, for instance, you should always put a comma before someone's name when he or she is being directly spoken to. For example, "Please don't change Riku," would become, "Please don't change, Riku." ^_^ Also, you should place a comma before the word 'too'. Ex: "After a few seconds, Sora joined in, too." Oh, and that reminds me, you should put commas after introductory clauses, too. ^^ Uh, what else? Oh, also, there is no such as word as 'alright'. It's a spelling mistake that for some reason was adopted by the general population. ^^; Instead, it would simply be, 'all right'. Gah, I'm sorry for sounding like a total spelling/grammar nerd. For some reason, I have this weird obsession with commas... sweatdrop *sigh* It's all my 7th grade Language Arts teacher's fault, really...^^; I wish I could say something concerning the flow or characterization, but nothing really seems, well, wrong or out of place. Lol, wish I could do that in my writing...XD; *somewhat jealous*
Commas are confusing. XD I always think that I'm writing a huge run-on sentence when I keep having to use them. Dx
There's no such word as alright? o_o Microsoft Word didn't pick up on that...wtf!? Professional spell check fails. XD Gah, don't be jealous of me Torrina, you write so much better! T__T I wanna make a cuter story, I guess I'll keep practicing. ^^ Thanks for all your help!
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Posted: Sat Jan 21, 2006 6:49 pm
kupo-tenshi Torrina Shirogane >w< It's really good. :3 One thing, though...You misspelled 'paopu'. It's p-a-o-p-u. ^^ Other than that, there were just a couple of minor grammar problems. Like, for instance, you should always put a comma before someone's name when he or she is being directly spoken to. For example, "Please don't change Riku," would become, "Please don't change, Riku." ^_^ Also, you should place a comma before the word 'too'. Ex: "After a few seconds, Sora joined in, too." Oh, and that reminds me, you should put commas after introductory clauses, too. ^^ Uh, what else? Oh, also, there is no such as word as 'alright'. It's a spelling mistake that for some reason was adopted by the general population. ^^; Instead, it would simply be, 'all right'. Gah, I'm sorry for sounding like a total spelling/grammar nerd. For some reason, I have this weird obsession with commas... sweatdrop *sigh* It's all my 7th grade Language Arts teacher's fault, really...^^; I wish I could say something concerning the flow or characterization, but nothing really seems, well, wrong or out of place. Lol, wish I could do that in my writing...XD; *somewhat jealous*
Commas are confusing. XD I always think that I'm writing a huge run-on sentence when I keep having to use them. Dx
There's no such word as alright? o_o Microsoft Word didn't pick up on that...wtf!? Professional spell check fails. XD Gah, don't be jealous of me Torrina, you write so much better! T__T I wanna make a cuter story, I guess I'll keep practicing. ^^ Thanks for all your help!
Lol, it's hard to catch them all, I know, and after awhile, you just get tired of looking for them... >< *sigh* I really wish Microsoft would upgrade the grammar checker in Word, because right now, it just sucks. D:
Psh, I really want to revamp my writing style. I focus way too much on physical description, and I have problems with flow because of it...>>; Lol, you don't seem to have that problem. ^_^
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Posted: Sun Jan 22, 2006 11:30 am
>w< Aww, that was so sweet. It made me smile. <3
A lot of little things you put there I loved. Like the paopu constalation, I thought that was a neat idea. I also liked the memories you made of Riku and Sora back on the island as children.
It was very cute. I love your writing style.
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Posted: Sun Jan 22, 2006 9:57 pm
@Torrina: lmao, stupid Microsoft people. D:
Gah, I didn't put any physical descriptions in my story. = But I guess that's okay since everybody knows how Sora and Riku look like?
@FairyHarp: Ah, I always like talking about Sora and Riku as kids. Their history together is so adorable. <3 Thanks, I'm glad I put a smile on your face. X3
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Posted: Mon Jan 23, 2006 4:02 pm
kupo-tenshi @Torrina: lmao, stupid Microsoft people. D:
Gah, I didn't put any physical descriptions in my story. = But I guess that's okay since everybody knows how Sora and Riku look like?
@FairyHarp: Ah, I always like talking about Sora and Riku as kids. Their history together is so adorable. <3 Thanks, I'm glad I put a smile on your face. X3 Yeah, when it's fanfiction, you don't necessarily have to list off their physical characteristics, as pretty much anyone who reads the fandom pretty much knows what they look like. However, it's not necessarily a bad thing to use their physical characteristics to describe them.
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Posted: Fri Feb 24, 2006 2:50 pm
A little bumpy, but over-all pretty good.
Just one question:
WHY COCCONUTS!?!?!? I KNOW WHAT THOSE SMELL LIKE, AND IT ISN'T A SORAISH SMELL!!! ... Right, so I'm a little hyper.
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Posted: Fri Feb 24, 2006 7:03 pm
Scathach13 A little bumpy, but over-all pretty good. Just one question: WHY COCCONUTS!?!?!? I KNOW WHAT THOSE SMELL LIKE, AND IT ISN'T A SORAISH SMELL!!! ... Right, so I'm a little hyper.
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Posted: Fri Feb 24, 2006 7:50 pm
But, but, but...! crying It's not soray!!!
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Posted: Fri Feb 24, 2006 9:19 pm
lol what's Sora-y then? XD Sora's hair reminds me of chocolate...and Riku's like vanilla...but I doubt they'd smell like either or those. hmmm...maybe, it's up for debate? X3
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Posted: Sat Feb 25, 2006 10:10 am
*shrug* As far as I see it, Sora probably wouldn't smell like much of anything. I say that because guys don't generally use any products with fragrance in them. If anything, Sora would probably smell like bar soap, or sweat if he just took down some Heartless. But, of course, that's just my opinion.
Scientifically speaking, he would smell like something, because everyone secretes pheromones, but chances are, that scent wouldn't be recognizable as anything. As corny or redundant as this may sound, he would just smell like Sora. ^^;
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Posted: Sat Feb 25, 2006 11:38 am
Well, I This sentence has been censored, because I have come to my sences about saying it outloud and I would think he would smell like the ocean, fruit, sand, with an undercurrents of a sweet smell - something like ice cream, only different... And cinnamon. Yeah. That's sounds about right... *cocks head sideways* Kupo?
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