Kisun’s motto was why she had been seldom disappointed. Life was now, and now was just grand. Worrying about things didn’t change anything anyway. So she’d ‘forgotten’ the past. Might as well have fun right now. Or that was how she’d been living. Denial ran deep, and her painful nightmares were proof enough that she could not escape the shadows of her past. They lurked within her mind, waiting behind closed eyes to remind her of her unforgivable mistakes.
Well…she supposed anyone who didn’t know would have mistaken it for merely a bad dream. Certainly it wasn’t a pleasant thing by any stretch. But a mere dream… that it was not. If only it had been no more than a nightmare! Just a terrible dream from which she might have awakened to find four little kits in place of the bloody patch of grass where she’d hidden them. Hah! As if that monster had had any trouble finding them!
She hadn’t thought any harm could come from leaving a moment, just a moment, to find a drink. She’d been so terribly thirsty, but had dreaded leaving them alone since she’d no mate to watch them while she left. But there was not enough water in the dew around the secret little nest to sustain her and her little kits who so depended upon her. So she had left to find a place to sate her thirst…and when she had returned…
She’d never told anyone about it. Never breathed a word, not a single soul knew of it save for her. For her, and whatever monster had devoured her young. So small! They’d been so terribly tiny, their fur bright like the father she’d never seen again. Like flowers. Her tiny precious little flowers. Ichida. Hana, Tsubmi. Kaga. They’d never gotten a chance to bloom.
She wanted to forget. Would much rather have been about to forget all of it, as she pretended she had. Which only made her feel that much worse, as though she was betraying her little ones by wanting to rid herself of this pain. They were dead because of her after all.
Tonight, she was awake. Her wide blue eyes reflected the shining crescent of moonlight as she stared up at the stars scattered through the heavens. It was no new nightmare that woke her, flanks heaving and eyes wild, not a new one. Just the old, the same old nightmare. Sometimes Kisun thought she’d do better to just stay with Keena all the time, her much larger friend a safe place to curl up against, being warmed and sheltered by the lioness’ pale body.
Still, it was such a lovely night, the faint wisps of cloud doing little to obscure the bright pinpoints of light scattered through the wide open skies. With so few trees around, there were no leafy branches to block out the night either. Just an endless expanse of stars in the rich velvety darkness of the sky. Keena would have lain awake with her, she knew that. The lioness was a kind and generous soul, giving everything with no expectations of any return. She was the best friend Kisun could ever dream of having. The only friend who could possibly have done what the hare hadn’t even realized she needed.
She thought it would be best if she never thought about it and never presented herself the opportunity to repeat that horrible, terrible mistake. She thought living alone, with nothing but casual playmates would be the only way for her. She’d thought wrong. Keena was her friend, her best friend, for all the other was a lioness. And when they’d adopted their Star…
Star had been the first step. A lioness cub who needed a mother as badly as Kisun needed a second chance. She hadn’t been ready to grasp it then though. She’d brought the cub to Keena who, being the sort of person she was, instantly took the cub in as her own. Actually, Kisun was pretty sure Keena thought the cub was her own. Especially after that business with a goddess of some kind. But that was alright, Star had needed a family. And they had been one, together with that girly playboy. How many cubs did that leopard have anyway? Regardless, the four of them had been a family, and Kisun had gotten a little more daring than she should have…
…and then they were seven.
The hare sat up slowly, mindful of not waking the sleeping lioness as she moved to peer at the three young hares curled up beside her. Her own true second chance. She’d given them up too, in a way, giving them to Keena to mother and raise. She had dreaded the responsibility of it, knowing that she would fail again. But who would steal cubs from a lioness? Her idea had worked well, and for the first time she’d seen her precious kittens grow into young adults. Jari, Cari, and Chai. Two sons and a daughter. All grown. All alive.
Star was gone, she’d taken a mate and left for a pride where Kisun hoped she’d be happy. She’d met those two, nice little cubs they’d been, and they seemed to have grown up well. She would be safe there, at the least, and if she disliked it they said she could leave. How long then, the hare couldn’t help but wonder, until her other little ones were done and left? Not that they’d ever stop being her babies, but they were old enough to no longer need her to mother all over them. She would miss them so when they were gone.
As would Keena. The lioness loved mothering it seemed. And it was nice. To have little ones about. Precious little lives to love and shape and watch bloom and grow. Kisun smiled softly, settling back down and curling up against the palefurred flank, her blue eyes fixed on the three little bumps of sleeping bunnies. Maybe she wasn’t such a horrible mother after all. Maybe, just maybe, she could do something right.
When she closed her eyes again, the nightmares did not plague her dreams.
( 1058 words)
