Welcome to Gaia! ::

Dragon of the waters,

Here are some of my suggestions for you (all my own opinion, of course):
- Put more variation into the words you use. For example, you use "blew" in the same sentence as "blowing" and "flying" in the same sentence as "fly." If this is intentional for rhythm, that's good; if not, you should mix it up a bit for better flow.
- Also put more variation into your sentence structure; don't start too many consecutive sentences with "The. The girl. The jackal pup. The hawk."
- The house burning scene is very decent, especially "the flames that seemed to never die," but because it's a dramatic scene, you definitely have room to add more to it if you want to.

I like how the simplicity of your writing style adds to the fact that the girl is only eight years old; however, my comments above about variation still stand. It would be interesting to see what you could do with mixing these things.

I also love your characterization, particularly when you say "evil grin planted on his ugly face" and things like that.

This seems like it would be an interesting story to read more; the struggle of the children and whatnot. I'd follow your own judgment and believe on this one. c:

Thank you very much to both of you!

Chigitsa: Thanks for the crit. The blew and blowing thing was for rhythm but you are right, I do need more variation. I just can never find the right words at the time, you know? I'm still editing this by the way. I haven't shown it to a publisher yet cause I think it still needs some work. For once I was right! lol Thank you again. I greatly appreciate your opinion and will take your crit to help my story out.

Aloysia Bloodfur: Yes, it is short. I tried to make it longer but I didn't want to drag it out. So I'm kinda stuck between a rock and a hard place. Like I said before, this is still in editing so if you have any ideas, please tell me. I like hearing what others have to to say. It gives me ideas as well.

Thanks again to both of you. I'll probably post chapter one here soon. I'm just changing a few things.

Your content is okay. I like the talk about weapons and clothing. But I can tell this is your first draft, so when you go back to edit it again make sure you look for these:

1.) You seem to have a bit of a conflict of tenses. It's like you think about the past and reflect on the present all at once. Try to be a tad less confusing.
2.) You didn't explain how they managed to keep Aslan with them throughout their travels. The hawk I can understand - it can fly and follow them more easily.
3.) I understand that they were forced to keep Amina because she was a stowaway and it was too late to send her back. But why did they agree to teach her to fight? It seems to me that they would question giving a girl a weapon.
4.) Be careful with punctuation. Sometimes you use a comma where a semicolon would be more appropriate, and sometimes you don't put anything down where a comma would sound better (to my ears at least). You're not horrific at punctuation - I could read your sentences easily - but you might want to adjust a little here or there.

Overall, not terrible. Not the best you can do, but understandable because this is probably your first draft. It's got potential. Keep it up.

Chapter Two
The Muslim Army

It's been a week since we crossed the border. The dry, warm air welcomed us and we welcomed it in return. We covered ourselves with Arabian robes to blend in better. I sighed when Azim suggested it. I was hoping for a great welcome but since most of our family thought we were burned alive, I just went along with it.

Ahead was a small town made of mud bricks. It is the first town we saw since we entered this desert. Some streets were wide while some were narrow. Merchants called out for people to buy their quality items. I smiled as I remembered my father doing the same thing. If only he were alive now, I thought sadly.

I followed my brothers up the main rode toward a semi-large trading shop. We sat our camels down in front of the entrance. Aslan sat near the camels and watched everything that past by. Kana perched herself on the roof and stayed as still as a statue. Azim went in and began trading with the merchant. He always had to argue. Raj and I walked around, browsing the goods. That's when I noticed something blowing in the wind.

Hanging on the dry, sandy wall was a piece of yellow paper. I strolled over to it and read it slowly. My mother taught us to read and write at a younger age. After she died, I would still practice everyday like she was still alive.

I gasped, "Azim. Raj. Come here and look at this."

Raj and Azim were immediately at my side and read the parchment.

Azim then read it aloud, "The Christians have over stayed their welcome. They have taken our homes and killed our women and children for the LAST time. I am asking all my Muslim brothers to come and aid us in this war of injustice. Come, my brothers, and we shall end this meaningless fighting the Christians call a 'Holy' war."

"We should join them," I said in an eager voice.

"Why?" Azim looked disgusted while Raj looked as happy as he was when Ramadan ended and he could eat finally drink during daylight hours.

"The murderer could be there," I said convincingly. "Look, the army's meeting place is a few miles from Jerusalem's Great Wall. That's only a day and a half of travel."

"True," Azim said, clearly considering my idea. "But what if he's not there, Amina? We'd waste time by just going there."

"Well then, we can just force the information from one of the soldiers," I suggested. "It would not be difficult to spot a man with a blind left eye."

Raj looked pleased with my suggestion and watched Azim calculate the information. I kept my face smooth as he thought. I was not giving anything away.

After a few minutes of waiting, Azim sighed, "Very well but its going to be difficult to convince them to let you in. You’re so small, they would put you on kitchen duty."

I rolled my eyes, "Please. After they see me fight, they'll all be singing a different tune."

Raj laughed and wrapped his arms around my shoulders. Azim smiled and shook his head, "I know that Amina. They will."



"Are we there yet?" Raj shouted from the back.

"No," Azim growled. I'm surprised he hadn't hit Raj yet. I wanted to.

I heard Kana screech and automatically looked toward the sky. She circled around an area a few miles ahead of us three times. It was the army. We made it. The camels moved faster at our command and I signaled Kana to come back to me.

The army's camp was large in both size and numbers. We rode slowly into the swarm of black tents as men sharpened their weapons slowly to scare us. Aslan moved closer to me and Kana squawked nervously.

"Don't worry guys," I whispered. "We'll be fine."

Azim stopped a few feet in front of us and I moved closer to him. A soldier stood in front of us with a cruel expression on his face. He was wearing loose clothes and a turban to cover his hair from the great, blazing sun.

"What is your business here?" the soldier asked. His voice was ragged and old sounding. Probably from shouting all the time.

"We're here to sign up. We want to fight," Azim smiled waving his hand at all three of us.

The soldier looked at first Azim, then Raj, and lastly me. I grimaced at his cold stare and he sneered, "All three of you?"

Azim continued to smile, "Of course."

The soldier's sneer disappeared and he growled, "Follow me."

We got off our camels and follow the soldier to the center of the camp. The men stared at us as we walked by always giving me dirty looks. They didn't know I was a girl because if they did I would more than dirty looks. Aslan stayed close to us and growled at whoever dared to move too close. I kept my face emotionless and tried to stay calm.

The soldier stopped in front of a large tent and said, "Wait here."

He went into the tent and Kana squawked nervously. Aslan growled at the gathering crowd that surrounded us.

"Fifty. Tops," Raj whispered.

"I count fifty-five," I said smugly.

"Easy, you two," Azim cautioned. "We are not here to fight. Just keep tabs for now."

Raj sighed, "Very well."

"Kill joy," I whispered.

Suddenly, the soldier stepped out followed by a man dressed in black Arabian style clothing. He looked like he was in his mid twenties. He skin was dark and his eyes as dark as the night sky. He had a black beard the ended near the top of his chest and a mustache. The top of his head was covered by a black turban. He stood tall and had medium build, kind of like Raj. He stared at us in a way that would make it snow, cold and distant.

"This is our leader," The soldier announced. "The Great General Qadir."

The general looked over us with interest. He gazed sternly at Azim and smiled in satisfaction. He gave the same look to Raj. The general clearly liked what he saw in my brothers. When he stared at me it was just a confused expression.

"He's too small," He whispered. "He shouldn't be here."

I growled, "I should be. I want to fight for my people! And I want revenge for what those soldiers did to my parents!"

"Please sir," Azim said. "My brother is a very good-"

"It doesn't matter," The general huffed and looked at me. "You're brothers, I can tell. Let your older brothers handle this boy. Let them get your revenge-"

"I was the first to vow revenge!!" I interrupted.

"He was," Azim said softly. "I told him we would get our revenge together. My brothers and I will fight together or not at all."

The general stared at us for a while, debating on whether to keep us or not. We were a package deal. If he wanted one, he was going to get all three. Then out of the corner of my eye, I saw someone move. A string was being pulled. Crap.

"Raj, the left," I shouted but he was way ahead of me. He had arrow pointed to the archer a few yards away from us. I pulled out a few daggers that were hiding in my robes and waited.

"Hold your fire, you two," Azim said casually. "It seems the general is testing us."

Raj lowered his bow slowly but I didn't move. I looked at Azim and he nodded. I slowly got out of my stance but kept my daggers in hand. The archer lowered his bow as well and walked away.

The general laughed loudly and pointed to Raj and I, "You're both quick on your feet." Then he looked at Azim. "And you can smell a ploy a mile away." He continued to laugh in a merry way.

That's when I heard someone run up to me and place his sword to my neck. I sighed.

"We don't want any small people in our army," sneered a scratchy voice, "The general will be pleased to see you dead."

I smiled liking the challenge, "Take your best shot."

The sword left my neck and swung around to strike. I spun around then went down to the ground. I rolled away and struck him at the back of his knee. While he was falling, I threw a few daggers and pinned him to the ground. Azim and Raj started laughing at the soldier and he was as red as the desert sun.

"You shouldn't have done that," Raj said smiling slyly, "Not unless you want to find yourself dead."

The soldier growled and tried to get up, but to no avail. I stood up and walked over to the struggling man. I unhooked my spear and pointed the tip at the soldier's neck. He continued to struggle, frantically trying to release himself from the daggers' hold.

I chuckled, "Struggle all you want, no one has ever escaped the daggers' hold. Right Raj?"

Raj hid his face and nodded quickly. Kana screeched and flapped her wings in triumph. The soldier stared at me and whispered, "I yield. You are a skilled warrior young man."

I bowed my head, “Thank you."

Azim smiled at me proudly and Raj smirked. The general was smiling at us and clapped his hands together, "Very well. We'll set up a tent for you my young friends. Welcome to the army!"