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Please CC. The harsher, the better, because I'm trying to improve.

The Ocean

Silent lips of foam and sand
rise to meet my reaching hand.
A child’s eyes replace my own,
and for this moment I condone
Every anniversary that has passed,
when I came to the ocean and only met glass.
You did not let me seek or see
the very thing that made me be.
My tears, as salty, would not do,
for they were what nearly killed you.
And with your cane pushed in the sand,
and with your wrinkled, crippled hand,
You go to meet what had been waiting,
touching, drinking, finally sating.
And with a smile that until now was lost,
you fully acknowledge what happiness costs.
Your eyes light up, you skin darkens to grey.
You look at me, and don’t know what to say.
I nod through my tears that came from the sea,
for all things that came, must go back to thee.

^_^ Thanks. Anything I can do to make it better?

Could you tell me what lines you had trouble with?

AAAAAH!!!!! This is awesome! I am back (he he) and I really like this poem. I am going the critique the h!@# out of it, but only because I really really like it. If I didn't I wouldn't bother and I wouldn't put this much effort into your stuff.



You start this beautifully. The imagery is awesome. The child's eyes condoning is very very nice. The only part that doesn't fit is the 'glass' part. I just can't fit it in there. It doesn't work. Unless you want to put 'met only glass' which would make the rythm better. But the glass, eh, I'm just having trouble with it.



Umm. This is lacking. Sorry, but this needs work. What makes her be? Who would not let her seek or see? What was she seeking? What did she want to see? I realize poems are kind of ambiguous, that's what makes them awesome, but the 'made me be' part just isn't working. The first part can work, but not with the second part. The salty tears is very nice. It rocks. Again, the second part just isn't working for me. Yeah, it rythmes nicely, but the killing part doesn't fit with the rest of the poem. The whole poem is kind of serene and reminescent, and then you put killed in there? Yeah, it's not working. Find a different word.



This is awesome. Again, you rock at imagery. I just kept this in here because I really like it. there really isn't anything I don't like or think needs to be fixed. I just wanted to say I liked this part.



It needs to be cost, I think. It would rthyme better and it shows that the ocean is the cost of happiness. I have never seen anyone's skin darken to grey. I could be wrong, but if this is a pleasant emotion, and the person is happy, why would their skin darken. OOH OOH. Your eyes light up as the sky darkens to grey. How about that? Might that work? I also don't like the don't know what to say part. If this is two old people, and she is showing him the ocean, they would, theoretically, know what the other would say. What about You look at me, and I know what you would say. I don't know if that fits into how you write, because that is more my voice than your voice but you could try it or something like it. Hmmm. I'm not feeling the came and came part. I'm not sure what to say to fix it, but it just doesn't read right... I don't know. I like how you end with thee. That was a very good choice. (Whether it rythmed or not). But like I said, I really like this one. I think I am done with the critiquing business for now, but next time I critique I think I'll find one of your poems because you are genuinely good. I really like them. A lot. This one is excellent. Sorry, I'll stop now. But yeah, I really like it. Oh, and if the poem isn't about two old people, sorry, but at those lines that was what I got out of it, while at other parts all i had was the ocean and an old person. So I don't know, I can't help it, I skip around. Yeah. I'm done now.

First of all...*worships serpenteyes* You rock for reviewing so thoroughly. I love you.


I've actually gotten quite a few comments on the glass part. I will change that ^_^


Okay, here was my whole thing. You know how, at the very end, it says 'for all things that came, must go back to thee.'? Pretty much, I was thinking that the father (I was picturing it as father and daughter) was so much a part of the sea that it...*was* him. He was dying in the poem - drowning. See, this poem was based on a story plot I had for a short story which never happened, really. She always wanted to go to the ocean but wasn't allowed to because her mother drowned...it's confusing, and perhaps I shoul change the poem so it doesn't relate. Pretty much, the ocean was so much a part of the father that it was part of the daughter too.


As I said, the father is dying. He's sad because as he realizes he's 'home', he also realizes that this means he'll have to leave his daughter. It makes him sad.


I may use that if I change the poem so it's separate from the story-line-thingy ^_^ Thanks for the idea.


Again, thank you so much. It's very rare that someone critiques others' work so thoroughly, and I appreciate it a lot *hugs*