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[Q]Sailor Dabih, Senshi of Velociraptors[Crit] Goto Page: 1 2 3 [>] [»|]

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Sweenys_Revenge

Dangerous Lover

PostPosted: Mon Sep 06, 2010 7:22 pm


User Image
Name: Micah Elizabeth Anne Driscol
Nickname: Little Bird, Baby, Mikey
Age: 17
Birthday: May 9th
Sign: Taurus
Gemstone: Emerald
Blood Type: A-
Fav. Food: Three Musketeers Bars, dark chocolate, and chicken, bacon, and ranch pizza.
Hated Food: Cucumber, eggplant, and anything green.
School: Meadowview High School

Hobbies:
Track and Field
Micah is fast. Very fast. If she isn't absolutely still, she's either walking very fast or running, whichever is more socially accepted. This makes her perfect for track and field. The only drawback is that, like all sprinters, Micah lacks the stamina to keep running for long periods of time. She can complete a sprinting event with relative ease and then run a little more just for kicks. However, if she pushes herself too hard, say for two sprinting events without a resting period in between, then she gets worn out. This still doesn't stop her, however, from testing her limits periodically. Afterward is always the same story. She huffs and she puffs, her lungs hurt, her legs shake, and she feel great as she collapses onto her couch.

Baby Sitting
Micah has a soft spot for children, she always has. She can't really stand other people, but children up to the age of 10 are a different story. Something about the inherent innocence of a child makes her feel better, even though there might not being anything to feel bad about. For the time she spends babysitting, she's able to pretend that the child is her own, and dote upon him or her. While she won't spoil them rotten, she has been known to sneak them a cookie before lunch form time to time, or let then play one more game before nap time if they were especially good that day. She loves watching the faces of little ones light up when she arrives at their house and announces, "today we're making cookies!"

Jurassic Park
When Micah was a girl her parents would sit her and her twin brother in front of the TV and flip on Jurassic Park. "We're going out kids, just stay there." And the two of them would get lost in the world of Jurassic Park. It's why Micah loves dinosaurs so much. It's why she spends so much time researching and learning all she can about the extinct ecosystem. From plant life to the food chain, Micah can spout anything anyone needs to know about dinosaurs, especially velociraptors.

Virtues:
Puzzler
Micah -loves- puzzles. Not only that, but she's good at them too. Her favorite thing is to turn the puzzles over and assemble them when there is no picture. This also applies to real life situations. When she finds herself in a jam she treats it like a puzzle. Moral dilemmas, issues with timing and planning, all can be solved as a puzzle. This also help Micah in school. He is able to approach lessons and tests like they were puzzles. She has all she needs, she just needs to put them together.

Protective
Micah doesn't appreciate it when her friends get toyed with. Her wrath is very subtle, however. She'll place herself strategically between her friend and whatever has troubled them. She;ll keep her mouth shut, pick her battles, and allow herself to rage silently, but she will not allow whatever has hurt her friend within arm's reach of them, either by ushering that friend away or by putting herself in front of them. This, however, becomes a bit of a problem when two friends are fighting. At that point she weighs importance based how well she knows them. If the friends in her inner most circle are fighting, then Micah will get between them both, taken them aside, and let them both simmer down before someone gets hurt. The the second circle out, she will only intervene if someone crosses the line. If they are part of the outermost circle then she generally just leaves it alone, unless someone throws a punch, and then she'll split them up.

Loyal
It doesn't take much to earn a little bit of Micah's trust. Just a kind word to her or someone who needs it really is all it takes. However, once that is earned, she is fiercely loyal. There are, however, different levels to her loyalty. There is the inner most circle. Micah will never, ever take anyone elses word over theirs. The second ring are those she sees outside of her home. People at school and at work. They are the people who can count on her for things in school or at work, but other than that, Micah can't help them. Then there is the very outer circle. Micah trusts these people with only the most trite of things, and even then she keeps an eye on them.

Swift
Not just in body, although Micah is very fast, but in mind and speech. Micah is very proud of her sharp wit, which she wields with precision. Her mind, is the same way. With each insult that is thrown her way, Micah has at least five comebacks.

Flaws:
Fool Me Once
Because Micah trusts so indiscriminately, she's often times taken advantage of. While Micah is a girl who is very quick to forgive, once she has been taken advantage of, she almost never forgets it. Once someone has used her, she keeps a distance between the two of them, knowing full well what will happen when they come back into her life. More likely than not, if they do come back, Micah will welcome them with open arms. For this reason she must steel her heart and turn her back on them.

Over Protective
Like it or not, Micah defends her friends. More often then not they tend not to want her to get involved. This leads to more than a few fights were all Micah can really do is sit back and be scolded, not wanting to wrong her friends any more than she already has. She also tends not to notice when her friend is in the wrong, so she ends up defending someone who has done wrong. This leads to a whole slew of problems, as one can imagine.

Social Being
Micah functions best when she is with others. This, of course, means that she is crap on her own. She can't focus, she's jittery, she's irritable. If she really applies herself, she can get a little bit of work done when she's alone, but that's very short lived, and then she'd back to pacing. This means that her grades often suffer, since no one wants to study with her, and she ends up not finishing or even starting a lot of her homework. At this point she often meanders upstairs to the living room where at least one other person resides. However, if she is home alone, then she has no hope to work.

PHYSICAL DESCRIPTION

Over all she's about 5 foot 6 with a large bone structure. She has no sharp curves to her body, it's all very curvy, even her face has very smooth lines. Her stomach has a slight pooch and her butt is a bit too large. This is the source of many hours of girlish obsession before she steps foot out of her house. Her bust is slightly too large for her frame, which leads to many back aches throughout the day.

Eyes: Her eyes are a touch too big for her face, and pointed slightly downwards at the inner points. They are golden around the outside of her iris, but bronze near the pupil
Hair: Its defiantly a toss up between auburn and brown, depending on the season and the lighting. It's almost very mane-like in the way it's situated on her head. It's built mainly on whimsical looking curls that flip out and every given direction and can't be tamed.
Face:Heart shaped. Her nose is flipped a bit upwards. Her upper lip is significantly larger than her bottom lip, so it looks like it's always being sucked into her mouth.
Clothes: Micah's Closet
PostPosted: Mon Sep 06, 2010 7:23 pm


Senshi: Sailor Dabih, Senshi of Velociraptors
Challenge: Prepare to see a real predator.

Fuku Colour:
Main Color: CC
Secondary Color: CC

Velociraptor

Fuku:
Color is all CC
Collar Feathers
Bow Feathers in place of one, if possible, on her rump please, sort of like the feathered tail in the reference.
Bodice white, and pretty conservative, holding down her breasts. Can't have those flying around when you're fighting, that's impractical. Also in the shape of a leotard
Sleeves Sort of like workout tank sleeves.
Brooch A velociraptor claw.
Bottoms leggings that come out of her leotard
Tiara Silver cannon tiara with a claw in the middle
Choker Ribbon with a miniature claw hanging off of it.
Shoes Something substantial, like a boot, but graceful looking.
Gloves N / A
Accessories CC

Attacks:
Sailor Scout Attack:
Velociraptor Slash
Description Micah extends her left hand in front of her and says the name of her attack. As she does, a spectral claw will begin to form between her middle and pointer finger.
Duration and Timing The charge lasts 10 seconds, and the effect lasts about 30. She must wait five minutes before she can attack again, and can only attack three times.
Uses Micah's attack is used to slah at opponents
Drawbacks Micah only get the slashing abilities, not the agility of a velociraptor. So she is still only as fast a a normal human and it does take time to close in on an enemy. Normally, because she stands a good deal away from her opponent, she can really only get one good slash in per attack, and that slash is highly superficial, only creating a small pain.
Super Sailor Scout Attack:
Velociraptor Gouge
Description Micah extends her left hand in front of her and says the name of her attack. As she does, a claw will begin to form between her middle and pointer finger.
Duration and Timing The charge lasts 10 seconds, and the effects last 60. She can use this attack once every three minutes, and can only attack twice, with just enough energy left over for a velociraptor slash after a five minute charging period.
Uses This time Micah's claw is longer, sharper, and more hooked. This means that when she cut into someone, the tip curved around and tears at whatever it has caught. That makes for a slightly more brutal, more effective attack.
Drawbacks Again, Micah only has the speed of a normal human. It takes time to close in on her opponent and can only usually get one slash in at a time. Besides this, now that the claw is longer it's harder to wield, and she usually catches herself on it. Any wounds dealt to an enemy will heal in a day at the most.
Eternal Sailor Attack:
Velociraptor Endow
Description Micah presses her hands together and says the name of her attack. She then pulls her hands apart and forms a cross with her body. Behind her, the silhouette of a velociraptor fossil appears and endows her with it's abilities. This time she has a six inch, curved claw on both hands between her middle and pointer fingers.
Duration and Timing The charge lasts 15 seconds and the effects last anywhere from a minute to a minute and a half. She must have a 5 minute recuperation period, and can only attack twice. This will leave just enough energy for two of her lesser attacks in any combination.
Uses Micah has been endows with the swiftness, strength, and speed of a velociraptor. She can reach cheetah speed if she gets out in the open to run. This combined with the claw makes her a fierce predator.
Drawbacks This attack leaves her very drained, so she needs someone to watch her back when she is recuperating. While she is running, it is hard to stop, so she will often have to shove anyone in her path out of her way. This can lead to her catching her team mates on her claws and hurting them pretty badly. People need to be on guard when she is using this attack.

Sweenys_Revenge

Dangerous Lover


Sweenys_Revenge

Dangerous Lover

PostPosted: Mon Sep 06, 2010 7:23 pm


Family
-one sec-
PostPosted: Mon Sep 06, 2010 10:21 pm


The only critique I have at this juncture is how you spell your senshi name.

Both the asteroid and Uranus's moon are spelled "Desdemona". Did you have a different celestial object in mind that actually uses the spelling you have?

I'm guessing, from her challenge and attack names, that she is to be the Senshi of Passion, but I don't see it specifically stated anywhere. I may have missed it.

Verithe

Hygienic Explorer


Sweenys_Revenge

Dangerous Lover

PostPosted: Tue Sep 07, 2010 3:04 pm


Er, no, that was me being a doofus.
xP
I got it in my head that it was spelled with an A instead of an E, anbd there we have it.
I fixed that spelling, as well as added her sphere.
PostPosted: Tue Sep 07, 2010 3:19 pm


*edit* you got me while I was typing.

Yes what is your sphere? Because the attacks as I read use fire.... and well you say passion. You may have to double check on the use of fire and make sure it doesn't step Mars for example. While I realize you say passion... the fire bit might be the tricky part of this?

Also I echo Verith on make sure you have the right spelling to avoid confusion I often include a LINK to my celestial object. I thought when I saw Desdamona that it looked a bit funny in spelling because I'd look up Desdemona in the past for an idea that didn't quite take off. XD;

How did Micah get the nickname Little Bird? I'm mainly just curious because the names you have I don't associate with birds. (Unlike the name Robin for example.) And like I said it's not really a cirt thing it's just a LP's nosy and wonders what the story is. xD

Also try not to center your whole application. It's.... a bit distracting for me to read.

Something I like with your flaws you spaced them out a bit so that each one has some white space to break it up from each other, you may want to do this with the rest of your entry as well, again this is a readability thing.

There's a few spelling mistakes like in Easily Taken Advantage of I believe it's "when they cross her there" and not here for example. You may want to go back and proof.

Something that I notice, and I'm not sure how to explain it well.... Is that Micah seems a bit.... prefect in her over the topness and almost a tad bit Mary Sueish. When I looked at the Love Virtue the way you described it with the first few words I went.... ehhh this isn't going to be a virtue. It's misleading.... which is a nice change of pace, though you'll want to be careful with misleading things such as this.

Something that really raised a red flag for me is the Fighting flaw. Mainly because when I glanced down into clothes I noticed ghee with a black belt. If she's working in a Dojo martial arts especially they teach you to control your anger. To not lash out unless you were attacked first. Your flaw goes highly against this teaching. I know a guy with anger issues that practices one of the martial arts and he will literally walk away from you and go to a place he meditate to keep form hitting anyone and keep his emotions under control. (The only exception to this was the internet.) But if she works at a Dojo I think you need to reconsider the fighting, because if she's been trained and she's an actual black belt she should NOT drop that training just to smack someone upside the head when it's serious business. This is my biggest issue with your profile right now.

The other stuff just expound on, maybe tweak some things to try to make her a little more unique.

LP

Kawaii Bear

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Sweenys_Revenge

Dangerous Lover

PostPosted: Tue Sep 07, 2010 3:52 pm


And I plan to tweak the attacks as I think about it more and more. Fire is just the most passionate thing I can think of right now. I've been thinking on it hard, but so far I can't think of anything. I did dabble around in healing, but I thought it encroached too much on the Senshi of Healing far too much.

When I wrote this, I used the moon of Uranus, only because the name sounded dramatic. I couldn't find a celestial body who's name had a background in passion.

Micah is based off of an OC of mine, named Maia Elizabeth Anne Driscol. She has five older brothers and an older brother-in-law. Jered, the oldest, is 27. Because she's so magnificently the baby her brothers and those close to her call her Little Bird. The name also stems from the fact that when she was a baby she's bop around in her walker and "chirp" when she was hungry, her mouth gaping open.

I will fix the formatting ASAP.

Spell check is a liar! Years of English should have taught me better! -fist shake- I'll get right on proof reading.

I actually got that vibe too. I'm not sure why Maia's personality didn't transfer over well, but it makes me kinda mad. I've been at work on revising, even before you said that, so not to worry! Already, she's looking better.

And I might change her part time job to babysitting, since Maia's more of a kids person anyway. I dunno why I jammed that in there, I kinda had to use a crow bar for it...

Tweaking is always in progress. Every time I look at my forms I tweak them more and more!
PostPosted: Tue Sep 07, 2010 4:16 pm


Ah, hum... I was going to try to make a suggestion but the only thing I end up thinking of is Passion Fruit. That's no help. XD; Ah, the thing about healing it can be minnorish things, like well they can't obviously heal as strong as she can, etc. I have to tweak hug-bell's myself but I'm waiting on the rules for chibi. XD;;;

Anyways, something about attacks don't forget they can be Offensive, Defensive, Or Support. If you happen to think of something that works for Passion in the Support/Defense area you like better you can go that way. Sometimes being a means of support is more helpful than having all attack senshi. Support can be buffs/debuffs etc.

Sometimes original characters don't transfer well the first time.

LP

Kawaii Bear

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Sweenys_Revenge

Dangerous Lover

PostPosted: Tue Sep 07, 2010 4:25 pm


I started, and am still, leaning towards defense / support for Micah, if only because she's not a good fighter. Think Serena only with ADHD when it comes to that. She tends to focus on everything at once and can't do a think with herself after that.

Fruits of Passion actually sounds really good... I'll be building off of that for sure! It was either that or dancing, because I based her outfit off of a tango dress. I dunno, maybe she... produces a small berry in her first stage that heals minor wounds like scrapes and bruises, as well as gives the recipient enough energy to escape from danger... I may tweak that...

And I saw Hug Bell, she's cute! I can't wait until you get her all ironed out and as a senshi!
PostPosted: Tue Sep 07, 2010 4:44 pm


^^ I'm glad I could help. heart

Yeah I gotta wait till they finalize some things <3

LP

Kawaii Bear

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Sweenys_Revenge

Dangerous Lover

PostPosted: Wed Sep 08, 2010 3:04 pm


Everything is updated!
PostPosted: Wed Sep 08, 2010 5:49 pm


This is not really a crit, just some ideas regarding her attacks. I find sayings are helpful in regards to thinking up attacks, such as "crime of passion."

I could see her attacks starting with defense moves like "Passionate Defense" or "Impassioned Defense" and progressing to a revenge-type attack based on the legal defintion of a crime of passion.

Don't know if that helps any, but at least it's something to think about.

The Red Dame

Friendly Lunatic

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Sweenys_Revenge

Dangerous Lover

PostPosted: Wed Sep 08, 2010 6:32 pm


That's actually really good...
PostPosted: Wed Sep 08, 2010 7:29 pm


Now I just need names for the attacks.
xD
Hur and Dur I don't think are appropriate names for them.

Sweenys_Revenge

Dangerous Lover


LP

Kawaii Bear

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 09, 2010 8:29 am


Hi again!

I was looking over your attacks... >> while I don't have much to say, there is a suggestion. The first one, not having a limit on how many you can cast is a bit..... um... OP or GMish if you will. Most all attacks have a limit of one to two times per battle. Just to make it fair. Two normally stretching the bucket a bit and three unfortunately normally being the pass-out limit.

Attacks drain a decent amount of energy. So a Sailor can only cast an attack x amount of times before they're worn out. A Super sailor can cast say one super attack and one sailor attack without too much trouble anymore than that it's getting a bit thin in the energy reserves. Same for Eternal, they can normally... cast say one Eternal and one super before being close to passing out.

In a sense it goes up exponentially. Sailor being the weakest Eternal being the strongest attack, and how many times they can technically cast up with that.

Also remember battles don't take all that long, you may want to throw a casting limit into the Crime of Passion, just so you have one.
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