When I was just a little girl my momma used to tuck me into bed- Stop. When I was little I tucked my self in at night because momma wasn’t there to do it for me like she should have been. Because momma was too strung out that night or passed out on the couch to remember she had a daughter or my name much less tuck her baby girl in. So I learned to wrap my self up in a self made cocoon of artificial comfort that couldn’t compare to the real thing I needed so badly. When I woke up crying from nightmares that turned into reality I rocked myself back to sleep because no one else would. I fought the monsters under the bed and in the closet with my nightlight and an iron will that wouldn’t be stopped. I was a child making excuses for a parent that should have been there to comfort me and guide me through the tough times.
She’d read me a story, it always was about a princess in distress and how a guy would save her and end up with the glory- Stop. There were no princes or knights in shining armor to save a false damsel from the world around her, because I was never a princess like other girls got to be. I had to grow up too fast to ever dream of being anything but what I was. There was no glory in life or star crossed lovers or happy ending, there was just long nights listening to the strike of the lighter and that shuddering inhale. That deep breath that drive the poison deeper into the lungs of the mother I love. Turing her into a dark figure riddled with holes that gave me glimpses of the this outside this place, glimpses of what I could be one day. The vile poison that stained the fabric of my world with ugly colors that even bleach can’t get out.
I’d lie in bed and think about the person that I wanted to be, then one day I realized the fairy tale life wasn’t for me.- Stop. Because fairy tales had no room in my life of late night trips to visit modern day apothecaries selling the blackest poison on the market. A poison that spread to consume whoever it touches, strangling the life from them in a death grip like no other. A poison that tears families apart and caters to the socially fallen. My fairy tale was that I’d go to bed and not hear that strike of the light and that shuddering inhale that brought such dangerous false joy. My fairy tale was that when I asked my momma “ Why Momma why?” she wouldn’t answer with “ Cause I need it baby, I want it, I can’t live without it.” the truth was momma I needed you, I wanted you, I couldn’t live without you, because I was the child no matter how fast I had to grow up. I was still your little girl and in this topsy turvy reciprocated world I was taking care of you when it should have been the other way around. But I stand before you today a better person because of it and a confident young woman who isn’t afraid to take the world for herself. A young woman with a child’s heart and a ladies view of the world. I make my own happy endings in this modern fairy tale we call life.
She’d read me a story, it always was about a princess in distress and how a guy would save her and end up with the glory- Stop. There were no princes or knights in shining armor to save a false damsel from the world around her, because I was never a princess like other girls got to be. I had to grow up too fast to ever dream of being anything but what I was. There was no glory in life or star crossed lovers or happy ending, there was just long nights listening to the strike of the lighter and that shuddering inhale. That deep breath that drive the poison deeper into the lungs of the mother I love. Turing her into a dark figure riddled with holes that gave me glimpses of the this outside this place, glimpses of what I could be one day. The vile poison that stained the fabric of my world with ugly colors that even bleach can’t get out.
I’d lie in bed and think about the person that I wanted to be, then one day I realized the fairy tale life wasn’t for me.- Stop. Because fairy tales had no room in my life of late night trips to visit modern day apothecaries selling the blackest poison on the market. A poison that spread to consume whoever it touches, strangling the life from them in a death grip like no other. A poison that tears families apart and caters to the socially fallen. My fairy tale was that I’d go to bed and not hear that strike of the light and that shuddering inhale that brought such dangerous false joy. My fairy tale was that when I asked my momma “ Why Momma why?” she wouldn’t answer with “ Cause I need it baby, I want it, I can’t live without it.” the truth was momma I needed you, I wanted you, I couldn’t live without you, because I was the child no matter how fast I had to grow up. I was still your little girl and in this topsy turvy reciprocated world I was taking care of you when it should have been the other way around. But I stand before you today a better person because of it and a confident young woman who isn’t afraid to take the world for herself. A young woman with a child’s heart and a ladies view of the world. I make my own happy endings in this modern fairy tale we call life.
