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Just Hungry (C+C wanted)

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pompompururin

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PostPosted: Sat Aug 28, 2010 10:18 pm


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I wrote this quickly, I don't expect it to be excellent, but enjoy.

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Just Hungry

There is a homeless woman on the corner of the sidewalk. She holds a sign every day and it reads: Just Hungry. Nobody seems to help her, they pass her all day, but don’t see to notice, or are do ignorant to give anything. Still, she sits there, smiling.

I passed by her once; giving her the rest of my sandwich for lunch, I never ate leftovers. She gave me a gentle nod and a toothy grin, her strawberry blonde hair waving like tentacles in the wind. I nodded back, and heading my way down the street, wishing to forget about the woman.

She scared me. But she scared everyone. She would give you a look of desire that could pierce your soul, and her teeth; they looked like a yellow so gross and dull, they looked like rotten corn kernels. But she seemed nice, although I’ve never talked to her.

Recently, people have gone missing. No one specific, just random people, men and woman, young and old. The woman just sat there the whole time, silently begging for food. In time, the woman changed slowly. I couldn’t put my finger on it. She wasn’t cleaner, not at all. Her hair was still stringy and he teeth were still disgusting. But her face was changing as well as her body. She was getting fatter. I wondered how she got food, she was alone on the street, barely receiving food, and yet she was gaining weight. I disregarded the sight and continued my day. I didn’t dare to look at her from there on, she disturbed me more and more, she made me more curious every second. At an alarming rate, more people were gone.

I didn’t know what to think. I continued work like usual, straying away from the homeless woman, I didn’t care about her anymore. On my way from work one day, my car stalled. It was bad, on a busy street with cars behind me honking their horns in frustration. I turned the key but nothing happened. Several times I tried, the car didn’t even make a sound. The cars behind me swerved away, honking loudly. She was there, watching, with a look of hunger in her eye. I didn’t want to meet her look. But when she spoke, I froze where I stood.

“You need help?”

I stared. My heart was pumping as fast and as loud as a snare drum. I didn’t have time to react. She was already advancing.

“You need help?”

She repeated those words, and they rolled in my brain as she spoke them. Soon she was right there, in my face. And with one fast swoop, I felt a throbbing pain in my arm. Warm liquid trickled down, I was too afraid to look. I closed mu eyes and bit my lip for a second, feeling the pain. I opened my eyes and felt my heart stop. She had my arm in her mouth. I couldn’t move, and as she dropped my arm she leaped on me like lightning.

I took my briefcase with my arm and swung it at her face, hitting her squarely in the nose. I breathed hard and long. She gripped her nose and sighed evilly. Finally she looked at her with raw anger. I bolted down the street with my briefcase in hand. I heard her puff behind me. I heard a thud also, guessing it was my arm. I ran as hard as I could, my lungs burning with pain as well as my stump. The blond dripped slowly and the pain was almost unbearable. Soon I would stop, I would take a breath, and she would leap on his back and bite off my head. I didn’t want that to happen, so I kept going.

I heard her getting closer, her footsteps were loud and I felt a heavy weight on my back. I knew I was dead. I hit her again and again with my case, but she bit my neck quickly and I screamed as loud as I could, my lungs burning. The last thing I saw was the look off greed in her eyes and my blood on her face. The last thing I felt was the rip of my neck.
PostPosted: Mon Aug 30, 2010 2:33 pm


That's really scary, but also really gross. There's a couple of grammar things that need fixing, but overall this is a pretty awesome short story.

Spork_All_The_Way

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Chigotsa

PostPosted: Tue Aug 31, 2010 6:54 pm


I agree with the previous comment about grammar/spelling things that need fixing, but since it was written quickly I won't go into detail about those. Just watch for that sort of thing when you revisit the piece or even write something new.

When you transition from the third to fourth paragraph there really wasn't much actual transition; there was a lot of disconnect there, for me. I think that if you sacrificed some length in order to explain some other things about the time setting [such as news other than the recent missing people, or maybe exploring the narrator] the story would flow better. Then at the end when readers figure out what the woman has been doing, they can look back and see that the clues were all there, and they just might have missed them in the rest of the events you were describing. Just make it a bit harder to figure out.

I also think there is a ton of potential for some human nature like ideas to be explored. I assumed the homeless woman was driven to eat people because she was hungry, but then I also assumed she had cannibalistic tendencies and was using homelessness as a sort of cover to make herself seem more vulnerable or weak, making it easier to kill people. I don't know if you had one of these, or a third one, in mind, but I think that it would be a much more interesting story if you expanded a bit on the woman in whatever way you can [even more than the way she was always looking at people with desire].

Also like the above post, this is disturbing and gross, but a very interesting story. It makes me think of a lot of the possibilities of who people might be, when you don't think about them too often.
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