An Unintentional Adventure

[DudeIsGenderNeutral]

Introduction. . .

xxxxOkay, so, this is a new fanfiction I'm working on. I, always thinking my work sucks, want to see what my fellow ToS fans think of it. I know it definitely needs work, and I'm not completely sure what direction it's going to be going in quite yet, but I'm still going to lay it out on the table for all of you to critique. I could, technically, beta this on Fanfiction.Net, but I have no clue how, and I don't think it's ready to be seen on that kind of level yet.
xxxxAlright, just to clarify things for later development, Alanna's grandfather is not biologically related to her in any way. Her dad was adopted by him since he(Her dad) was abandoned when he was really young, which is why she is a pure-blooded elf. Megan has four siblings, an older brother named Josh, an older sister named Ashley, a second older brother named Arron(Arron and Ashley are twins), and a younger sister named Lily, while Alanna is an only child.
xxxxOkay, now that you people you know what I think is helpful to know, I'm going to start posting the story.  

[DudeIsGenderNeutral]

Chapter One. . .

xxxx"Bye, Mom!" I yelled back at my home, my mother waving at me through the front window. The sky was still dark, and sunrise was at least half an hour off.
xxxxLittle did my mom and dad know, I wasn't headed to school. In fact, I was headed for the Tower of Mana which was a few miles north of where I lived.
xxxxAs I crossed the eastern bridge that lead out of Luin I smiled to myself, remembering a story Granddad used to tell me about a human who came from a planet called Earth, a planet that didn't have any mana, and how the man had been thrust right into the middle of the Kharlan war, and that he assisted the hero Mithos from time to time. After the war ended he found a little elven orphan and raised him as his son, and the rest is, as he put it, 'History'.
xxxxI giggled to myself after contemplating the possibility of the whole tale being true. It was impossible, right? Any sort of life needed mana to sustain it, so that world just wasn't possible.
xxxxAnother all tale was one my father told me about a world adjacent to ours that had superior technology to the extremes, and the exact same name as our moon. It's amusing how many of their fairy tales I had believed at a child.
xxxx"I wonder what sort of things I'll learn today. . ." I murmured to myself, shifting the bag that hung over my shoulder and across my torso.
xxxxThe bag was pretty heavy, because there were several books from the last time I visited the ancient library protected by the sturdy leather, along with some gels, food, a map of Sylvarant, and the only spare key to the old building. The only reason I had the key, though, was because I had gotten caught picking the lock and the priests accepted that I was on a 'Pilgrimage for knowledge', as they had put it.
xxxxAn elven knife with a blade as long as my fore-arm was on my belt at my waist, but my main weapon hung around my wrist. I always kept a weapon with me because there was always a monster or two lurking around.
xxxxI somewhat regretted leaving my cloak at home, since my thin clothes weren't doing much against the cool morning air, but knew it would have only added an unneeded pound or two to my already heavy bag. It was going to start warmer soon anyways, so I simply had to deal with it for the time being.

~*~*~*~*~

xxxxI slammed my bedroom door shut behind me, about ready to scream in rage. My brother, who had sworn on his beloved iguana's life that he wouldn't tell, had told our mom about how I had snuck out of the house when I had been grounded not too long ago, so now I wasn't allowed to go along on vacation with them. Instead, they were taking my little sister along, who was originally going to be staying at Grandma's house for the two and a half weeks.
xxxx"Damn you, Josh!" I shrieked after I heard the car pull away, my voice slightly echoing in the empty house.
xxxxOn top of not going on vacation, I was banned from going to any friends' houses, too. To reinforce that, they set it up so Grandma, who lives next door, would be checking up on me every few hours.
xxxxI went to the bathroom, inspecting myself in the mirror.
xxxxI had a cute little outfit that was made up of a pair of capris, a colorful graphic tee, a cool pair of zebra striped flats, and my long, straight brown hair was up in two high pigtails to top it off.
xxxx"All that effort put to waste. . ." I grumbled to myself, going back into my room and flopping onto my bed. I heard my door creak a bit, and fifteen seconds later my adorable little kitten was nuzzling my cheek.
xxxx"Aww, I'm sorry Colette. Did I make you worried?" I asked her softly, petting her soft white and blond fur. The cat mewed softly, leaning into my touch as she started to purr, her large blue eyes closing.
xxxx"Oh, I love you, sweetie. I swear, sometimes you're the only one on my side." I murmured, rolling onto my back and shifting the small feline onto my abdomen. With a small smile, I continued to pet her.  

[DudeIsGenderNeutral]

Chapter Two. . .

xxxxAbout two hours later I reached the Tower of Mana, and I immediately unlocked the ancient doors and entered the building.
xxxx"Did you miss me, my leather-bound friends?" I asked the silent books with a smile as I walked further into the large room, slipping off my bag and pulling out the three books within. Who ever had originally established the library had just sort of thrown the books onto shelves, so I had devised a system for the books, which had taken me a little over twenty visits to complete. The old, worn books were in categories of age, and then were put in to alphabetical order.
xxxxNot only had I organized the literature, but I also added a tall ladder, with my father's help, of course, to get books from the higher shelves. And that was a very helpful addition to the ancient building.
xxxxWith a grin, I headed for the tall shelves, thousands of years worth of history and knowledge just waiting for me to discover it.

~*~*~*~*~

xxxxAround midday, I decided it was time to take a break since my vision was starting to get fuzzy from all the fine writing, so I headed outside to get some fresh air.
xxxxOnce out in the daylight I took a bit of a walk, only going about half a mile before stopping and eating my lunch. I didn't like being outside right around the Tower of Mana just in case, so I always went a fair distance away.
xxxx"Oh, Mom packed me apples!" I commented excitedly after discovering several large apples with the rest of my food, since apples were my absolute favorite next to pears.
xxxxWith a smile, I quickly consumed my meal.
xxxxOnce finished and with all my things stowed away in my bag, I climbed a nearby tree to get a good view of the surrounding area.
xxxxAs usual, everything for a good mile around was perfectly normal, but just past that distance I saw something quite unusual.
xxxxIt was a group of people traveling. It was a rather strange group, though. It was made up of a tall man in purple, a boy in red, a girl in white, a woman in orange, and a small boy in blue. What was even more unusual was that the small boy and woman in orange had shockingly silver hair. In order to get a better look, I scooter further out on the branch.
xxxx"I wonder who they are. . ." I murmured to myself, leaning forward on my hands to try to see if I could make out their faces. My elven sight could only do so much.
xxxxWhen I finally was able to see them well I was pretty far out on the branch. One wrong move would send me falling to the ground almost thirty feet below me.
xxxxThat was when the man in purple turned his head and met my eyes dead-on.
xxxx"What the. . .?" I mumbled, wondering if he actually saw me.
xxxxMy inquiry was answered by his eyes narrowing and him turning his body fully while reaching for his sword.
xxxxI backed up quickly, but the change in weight on the already unsteady branch was too much for the length of wood to handle.
xxxxI let out a short, loud shriek as the limb snapped beneath me and I fell downwards, lower branches making my decent rather bumpy.

~*~*~*~*~

xxxxEveryone noticed when the red haired mercenary noticed something to the north-east of the group.
xxxxAnd a few brief seconds after he did a scream shattered the calm.
xxxx"What the heck was that?" A small, silver haired boy clad in blue thought out loud, turning and giving his older sister a slightly worried glance.
xxxxThe woman in orange looked in the direction it came from. "I'm not sure. I think we should check it out. What do you think, Mr. Aurion?" She gave the man a curious look.
xxxxThe red haired mercenary nodded in agreement, and the group set off in that direction.

~*~*~*~*~

xxxx"Owwie . . ." I whimpered as I pushed myself up not too long after my not-so-graceful landing, the many cuts and scratches from my fall stinging and the multiple fast-forming bruises hurting like crazy.
xxxxI could feel the back of my skull throbbing painfully and my mind felt a bit fuzzy, so I had probably managed to give myself a minor concussion, and my wrist, which I had landed on, was screaming in agony, so I had probably broken it.
xxxx"Stupid freaking curiosity. . ." I hissed, noticing the debris all around me.
xxxx"Are you alright?" A matured female voice asked me.
xxxxMy eyes snapped up at the approaching people, recognizing them as the group from before. It looked like they had run to me, since the kid in blue was almost gasping for air.
xxxx"Um, I think so." I replied hesitantly, holding my injured wrist close to my body.

~*~*~*~*~

xxxxWhen the party finally reached the scene, they saw a girl who looked in her mid-teens with long, bright red hair pushing herself up from the ground, favoring her left arm. She was covered in scratches and cuts, and judging by the twigs, leaves, and small branches on ground around her, she fell from the tree.
xxxxAs they got closer they saw her look over herself, as if checking for major injuries.
xxxx"Are you alright?" The woman in orange asked the girl, who looked up immediately as if surprised.
xxxxShe hesitantly answered, "Um, I think so."
xxxxAs if to protect it, she was holding her right arm close to her body.
xxxxThe purple clad man looked her over with a critical eye, as if her was deciding whether she was a threat or not. She had no weapons as far as he could tell, so he was going to keep his eye on her for the time being, instead of stab now, ask questions later.

~*~*~*~*~

xxxxThe girl in white let out a sigh of relief, a warm smile all but plastered onto her lips. "Oh, good. I'm you're not badly hurt."
xxxxI winced when bumped my wrist, and pulled it away from my chest. I could tell it was broken now that I was looking at it.
xxxx"You sure you're okay?" The boy in red asked me, sounding a bit worried.
xxxxI nodded. "I'm sure. This is nothing I can't fix."
xxxxI took a small breath and murmured, "First Aid," letting out a small sigh as the pain subsided with the green glow.
xxxx"I thank you all for coming to see if I was okay." I thanked them, standing up to my full height. I blushed slightly when I realized I hadn't gotten their names. "Oh, um, I'm sorry for not asking in the first place, but, who are you?"
xxxxThe kid in blue and woman in orange both had elven mana around them, so I was curious whether they had normal names or elven names.
xxxxThe blond girl smiled friendlily. "I'm Colette."
xxxxThe brunette in red grinned. "I'm Lloyd."
xxxx"I'm Genis," The small boy introduced himself.
xxxx"My name is Raine Sage, and this is Kratos Aurion." The woman said, introducing herself and the red haired man in purple.
xxxxI nodded in greeting and decided to give them my formal name, since the elves would probably be able to translate it. "I'm Vanya Lothiriel Vendethiel. It's a pleasure to meet you all."
xxxxRaine and Genis looked a bit surprised when I gave my name. Perhaps they hadn't noticed my mana? I usually had my elven mana withdrawn, so maybe it wasn't visible.
xxxx"But, um, I usually go by Alanna." I quickly said, a bit embarrassed.
xxxx"It's nice to meet you, too, Alanna!" Colette said cheerfully, smiling.
xxxxI felt my mind beginning to clear, and then noticed something quite different about Raine and Genis. They didn't have elven mana at all. Well, technically they did, it was just diluted.
xxxxGenis and Raine were half-elves!
xxxxI wasn't going to spill it, though, because I personally wasn't prejudiced towards them, and the others probably didn't know they were.
xxxx"Well, I think I aught to be leaving. It was nice to meet you all, and I hope fate connects our paths in the future." I said after a few moment silence.
xxxxWe said our farewells and went out separate directions.  

[Lloyd Irving Aurion 17]

Awesome story so far, Franky. But the first chapter confused me. Was that two people or the same person? Since the second part did not sound overly Aselia-like. If it is two people, it might be best to just write in third person.

I'd also like to suggest keeping your chapters entirely in the first (or third) person point of view. I personally don't like it very much when views change - it gets hard for me to follow, and usually it only gives another sentence or more of information. Maybe try that for the second chapter, instead of switching between Alanna and the group?

So...yeah. That's my input on your story. Otherwise it is really good. smile Me gusta. Gonna have more up soon?  

[DudeIsGenderNeutral]

The second part of the first chapter is Megan, and once Megan and Alanna get together I'm going to make everything in third person, with the occasional first person moment involved.

And yes, I will. I'm working on the third chapter as we speak, so it should be up today or tomorrow. I can't wait to introduce Alanna's epic weapon in this next chapter or the one after it.