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 Posted: Sun Jan 15, 2006 2:03 pm
I am 14 and I am 4 months pregnant. Which I feel in a way it's a 'blessing'. But my boyfriend took the news hard. He is 18 and has left me now. He was apart of this guild funny enough and I suppose if he saw this post he would completely freak out. But I am scared and I have no one else to really turn to. My mum and dad have been great to me so have the rest of my family. Which is a good thing too... I am just starting to sit my exams which is another bad thing. My baby is due on the 25th of June as you may of guessed I have decided to keep it.
Everyone is saying it is all my fault and my boyfriend did exactly the same thing because I refused to abort it because of a past experience. Everyone other then my close friends and family have turned against me blaming me for ruining my boyfriends life. It really is beginning to get me down and I don't know what to do. I have decided to ignore ex for now. He doesn't want to know he has a child and doesn't want me to use his name of any of the birth certificates or information when it is born. He also doesn't want to pay child maintenance. My mum said that maybe we should just leave him be now and not bother him unless he gets in contact with me.
I don't know what to do.. or what to say to anyone anymore. I feel like I have let them down even though I am proud of being pregnant.
Another thing.. would you say I am selfish for not aborting my child for someone I love?
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Posted: Sun Jan 15, 2006 2:09 pm
I am confused with my ex also. Other people are talking to me under his account name. Yet I think it is him pretending to be someone else due to the same spelling mistakes and content of speech he uses are identical to these 'other people.' They are also threatening my friend that they will stab her if they see her next and alsorts of stuff like that.
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Posted: Sun Jan 15, 2006 3:16 pm
1) Put him on your block list. If he wants to get in touch with you, he knows where you live.
2) He's an a** for having sex with a 14 year old (no offense, but the dif between 18 and 14 is HUGE and way more than 4 years)
3) He's an a** for bailing on a 14 year old whom HE got pregnant.
Stay with your folks. They seem to be good people, and they'll treat you better. Is it your fault? Yes, but it's also his. You're 14, he's 18. He's supposed to be the 'adult' and know better. But also you should have been more careful.
Tell everyone that he's no longer a part of the picture. Get your parents to help you and have him legally give up all rights to the child (that can screw you up down the road). And move on. He ain't worth it.
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Posted: Sun Jan 15, 2006 3:34 pm
Oh, darling. Honestly I know this probably sounds ridiculously cliche, but the depressing and stressful things you're going through is really very normal for most teen pregnancies. Rarely the father sticks about (though it does happen), parents place blame, friends turn their backs. Your entire life becomes complicated. All of us here understand and those of us who have been pregnant young, even if not at fourteen, and we've experienced a lot of these situations.
I cannot agree more Ipstenu. Whether you like to hear it or not, you shouldn't have been having sex with this eighteen year old boy. He can go to jail for what he did, and now there's proof of it. If for no other reason, there's something he isn't happy about. He should have known better, regardless. But what's done is done, and now you're a mother-to-be. If you've decided to keep the baby, which you have, good for you. It'll be a hard road, but you can do it. While pregnant take steps to ensure future goals and happiness.
This boy/man, regardless of if you love(d) him then; you should not even bother with right now. He isn't responsible, he isn't mature and he isn't ready to acknowledge any of these things. Block him. Ignore him. Don't speak to him, don't get into contact with him. In fact, I would avoid him at all costs until you are ready to listen to some apologies. Otherwise, ******** that. You don't need him now for anything other than child support, which the State will force out of him later - that is, if things continue the way they're going right now.
Forget about the ex and enjoy your pregnancy. Pick up a few books (if you can't buy any, get over to a library or search online. Nikolita has tons of great threads linked in the stickies), educate yourself on what to expect (What to Expect When You're Expecting is a grand example) and sit back and enjoy it the best you can.
Once I got over the nervousness of it all, I thoroughly loved my pregnancy. I bought up every baby name book I could find, every magazine, went nuts on nursery decoration themes and baby-shower planning - just the regular 'exciting' pregnancy milestones.
You'll discover who your true friends are during this. At first, I was enraged that some of my closest friends since grade school would turn their backs on me when I finally decided to announce my pregnancy. However, I could have never been more glad for that simple, black and white method of realizing who gives a damn about you and who does not.
You seem, by far, like one of the most intelligent fourteen year olds I've met. Stick to your wits and your instincts and just blow all others away in your dust. Real friends will worry and voice some upset, but stick by you.
In general, I think it is important also for you to look up programs in your area that can benefit you right now. Your local DHS/FIA/Welfare office will be of huge help. Some families are very much against assistance, but maybe just a short parenting course would be nice as a start. You'd meet other girls going through the same thing as well, which is always comforting.
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Posted: Sun Jan 15, 2006 6:47 pm
Kalandra really put it better than I could have said it.
On the child support, regardless of his selfish and childish ways, that baby deserves that money. If he's not going to own up to even do that (which it doesn't just include monetary support, it also includes helping out on medical bills as well), pursue the signing over of his rights. I do want to add, just because he's paying does NOT mean he has custody or even visitation rights, that's a seperate trial. I personally think he needs to be pursued on this after the child is born. If he's going to puss out on going to court for it, they'll get him (and karma will too) and that means possible jail time. He's lucky he's not in jail as it IS for statutory rape laws.
Your parents sound like good people wanting to help you with your decision. It's not that you're proud you've made mistakes, but be proud that you ARE taking responsibilities for them. That's something a lot of people can't say. You're going through a rough time and that's understandable. Stick with your family and go with their advice and even talk to them how you are feeling. You aren't selfish for the decision to keep your child, it's your decision and in NO way can anyone judge you on that. Selfish is your ex-boyfriend. I can think of a lot of worse words, but I will refrain from that.
I say don't let him get off scott free from responsibility. Don't talk to him, let the paperwork and courts deal with him. Be strong.
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Posted: Sun Jan 15, 2006 6:58 pm
^ GREAT points up there and good insights too. Difficult times like these are going to show you exactly who your real friends are and who really loves you.
And don't let him try and weasel his way out of his responsibilities. He got you pregnant, he should be on the birth certificate AND paying child support, even if he otherwise doesn't want to be involved with his baby. Have him legally sign away his parental rights or else he may come back to haunt you later. What he's doing just REEKS of trying to stay out of trouble and take responsibility for his actions. How vile that he'd treat you like that, though not uncommon, as it's been pointed out. Sadly there are lots of teen boys and young men [and some much older] out there who want to have sex and then get angry when WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT IT, sex can lead to babies. Who's ever heard of such a thing?! [Sorry for the sarcasm, it just gets me really riled up to see so many people trying to shirk responsibility.]
I can't really say more then that, other then I wanted to say this: It isn't your fault and you aren't ruining his life like some of those people are trying to tell you. He had an equal part in making that baby and he decided to date a girl much too young for him and have sex with her. Shame on him, not on you. It's not selfish to want to take care of your baby and it looks like your parents are all ready to help you out. It's going to be tough, but you look like you have a good head on your shoulders. Keep your chin up and just forget about all those other people.
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Posted: Sun Jan 15, 2006 7:25 pm
YOU ruined his life? Excuse me, but I was under the impression that sperm was required in the baby-making process. Not to mention that HE is the adult, HE should have been more responsible. If anything, he's just as much (if not a little more) at fault than you are.
So get this whole "I ruined his life" thing out of your head. And if anyone tries to give you crap about it, just remind them kindly that it takes two to tango.
I agree with Pirate Dirge. Who cares what he wants? He got your pregnant just as much as you got yourself pregnant. He should be covering his share of the responsibility. He should be on the birth certificate and he should be paying child support.
As for abortions, it's YOUR body, it's YOUR choice. The minute a man can feel the bond of having an innocent living being inside his own body depending on him to totally, then he can start having a say. Until that day comes, it's 100% your choice.
An alternative you might consider is finding out how much abortions cost and then making him pay you that amount (and then not pay child support). It's a little unconventional, but it might make you feel less guilty and make it seem more like an equal decision. He pays his share of the consequences of his actions and in exchange you effectively "abort" him from the baby. Anyways, something to consider smile
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Posted: Sun Jan 15, 2006 9:16 pm
Kukushka YOU ruined his life? Excuse me, but I was under the impression that sperm was required in the baby-making process. Not to mention that HE is the adult, HE should have been more responsible. If anything, he's just as much (if not a little more) at fault than you are. So get this whole "I ruined his life" thing out of your head. And if anyone tries to give you crap about it, just remind them kindly that it takes two to tango. I agree with Pirate Dirge. Who cares what he wants? He got your pregnant just as much as you got yourself pregnant. He should be covering his share of the responsibility. He should be on the birth certificate and he should be paying child support. As for abortions, it's YOUR body, it's YOUR choice. The minute a man can feel the bond of having an innocent living being inside his own body depending on him to totally, then he can start having a say. Until that day comes, it's 100% your choice. An alternative you might consider is finding out how much abortions cost and then making him pay you that amount (and then not pay child support). It's a little unconventional, but it might make you feel less guilty and make it seem more like an equal decision. He pays his share of the consequences of his actions and in exchange you effectively "abort" him from the baby. Anyways, something to consider smile I agree with this, along with what Kalandra, Pirate Dirge and lunashock said. heart
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Posted: Sun Jan 15, 2006 9:36 pm
I completely agree with everything that's been said already. Yes, it is partially your fault. But you didn't ruin his life. You're the one giving birth. You're the one that's going to be raising his child. You're the one that's doing all the work, so how is it ruining his life? He's getting off easy, the b*****d.
I don't think it's wrong of you to be proud of being pregnant. From my understanding, you're proud of keeping the child and living up to the responsability, and I would be proud of that too.
As for the guy that put you there... It depends on how much your parents will support you or be able to support you. If they can handle the cost of a child and help you out with him, I don't see why you should get your ex involved. If another child in the household is a financial burden, make him pay child support. He owes you that much, at least.
Or what Kukushka said.. That seems like a good idea.
And, as everyone else said, make sure you get sole custody of the child, because otherwise you may get screwed later.
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Posted: Mon Jan 16, 2006 8:57 am
Thank you so much guys for all the comments you have added. I agree with you all that I can't lay the blame on him completely. Though she should be responsible for his parts and I should be for mine. I was careless in doing what I did. And as suggested I shouldn't of been having sex at the age I am. But I didn't think deep into the consequences. I am glad that you have picked up on all the stuff I entered within the first couple of posts and I feel a lot better.
I shall stay with my parents until I feel I am fully capable of taking the responsibility to find myself a flat or something. As for my ex. I have put him on ignore as suggested.
I thank you all a bunch. ^ - ^ <3
[P.s you are all such great people and for any more mums to be... good luck and I hope everything goes well for you.]
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Posted: Mon Jan 16, 2006 10:02 am
Best of luck to you, Leyna. You deserve it heart
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Posted: Thu Jan 19, 2006 4:20 pm
It sounds like you're a sweet girl who made a mistake - that's totally normal. But like everyone else has said, it's also his fault. He chose to have sex with you, and he has no right in Heaven, Earth, or Hell to turn his back on you and that child, because it's his too. And those 'friends' of yours clearly aren't your friends - real friends would support you NO MATTER WHAT.
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Posted: Sun Jan 22, 2006 11:46 pm
I support you for your decision, but please make sure that you're also doing your best to make sure that your baby is healthy. Regular prenatal exams, figuring out options for birth (do you want to go for hospital birth or doula or at home?), and other such things. Also, check out the legality of having a baby. I'm not sure, but I've found that in some places (especially in the US) when a girl under 18 has a baby, she legally becomes emancipated from her parents, so this could cause problems with insurance and other stuff depending on where you are.
I would also suggest legally verifying the "father's" lack of rights in this whole thing. He should be indited for statuatory rape, and then fined in lieu of child support for the child until it is 18. Then, he should also be relinquished of any paternal rights, considering he is a slimy p***k and abandoned you.
Secondly, make sure that after the baby stops nursing and before you get into another sexual relationship, check out birth control pill options. This may very well keep you from having another unwanted pregnancy from happening.
Although, as they say, the best birth control is a baby.
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Posted: Mon Jan 23, 2006 1:53 am
I say your doing the right thing. You are very blessed to be pregnant, no matter how young you are. biggrin Just forget about your ex he ain't worth it, and he shouldn't have slept with you in the first place. I think he's too old for you, but it was your choice.
CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR BABY!!!!
By the way. My name is Mandi and I'm 17 and I'm trying to get pregnant.. biggrin
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Posted: Mon Jan 23, 2006 9:29 am
CaRm3lCr3aM By the way. My name is Mandi and I'm 17 and I'm trying to get pregnant.. biggrin Is there a reason you are trying to get pregnant so early? You know, once you have a kid, that's it. You have a child for the next 18 years. If you have a child now, you'll be 40 before you can think about yourself without the responsibility of caring for another. That's a HUGE sacrifice to make. While a child is, indeed, a blessing, there's no reason to sacrifice your youth to have one when you can just enjoy being yourself for now and have one later...
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