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Reply Poetry and Lyricism
Theri's Poems for Fair Goto Page: 1 2 [>] [»|]

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Therizinosaurus90

PostPosted: Fri Aug 13, 2010 4:35 pm


So I'll be honest, I'm pretty awful at poems and don't do them when I can avoid them, but for some reason I decided to give them a try and enter some in the local fair. I had to write three, so witness my fail, featuring a villanelle, sonnet and a cinquain.

A Tackle Tree

Standing on the lake shore,
Grows a tree covered in lines and hooks,
A Tackle Tree, always collecting more.

The sight of the trapped lures is something any angler would abhor.
Fishing line forever tangled in the tree’s crooks,
Standing on the lake shore.

There will be no fish to score.
Nothing for the cooks,
A Tackle Tree, always collecting more.

The fisher man will keep waging war.
Even though the trees will always guard the brooks,
Standing on the lake shore.

The lake is filled with the roar
Of anglers fighting the crooks,
A Tackle Tree, always collecting more.

But I must implore,
Let the lures and bobbers go, lest you become schnooks,
Standing on the shore,
A Tackle Tree, always collecting more.

The Show Begins
The band marches onto the field.
The crowd goes wild with its cheers.
The joy seen is unconcealed.
The musicians hiding any fears.

The drum major stands before the band.
She gives an order, music begins.
The crowd’s attention is now under command,
As the flags begin their spins.

The music builds to a peak.
Power radiates from the performers,
Hiding the occasional unsure squeak.
The man in the press box acting as an informer.

Sit back and enjoy,
The solo from the drummer boy.


A Self Hating Cinquain
Poetry
Pretty Words
Pencil stands above
I can’t write poems
Failure
PostPosted: Fri Aug 13, 2010 5:01 pm


I like the imagery and the humorous tone of the first. =3 Remember that poems are meant to be verbal--every punctuation is a cause for pause, not just the end of the line. (Don't stop just because you reach the end of a line, I mean.) The more punctuation, the shorter the phrases and the more botched the flow. A few lines in the first could use a few less pauses, but all in all it's nice, and the subject is clear.

As for The Show Begins, it's a little less clear. I'm sure you understand, but I never cared about games or anything, so I never saw much of the marching band. The relatively simple imagery doesn't evoke much for me, but that's probably more my fault. Each phrase is extremely short, and it doesn't flow as well as the first. Taking out some of the many periods might help that. In particular, the last two lines don't need that comma. You can just continue, since it's one sentence. Fragments are also bad unless you specifically want them for effect, and there are some in there.

*flails* I was pretty bad at poems, as you can see. But I sort of learned!

Serenity Reed
Crew


Therizinosaurus90

PostPosted: Fri Aug 13, 2010 5:07 pm


Thanks for the feedback. Yeah, it's pretty clear I kinda suck at it. The Villanelle is supposed to sorta be the crown piece so it's good to hea it wasthe strongest. I'm pretty weak on sentences structure with poemsso thanks for helping clesr that up.
PostPosted: Fri Aug 13, 2010 5:42 pm


Yeah, my Literature Professor would get ON us if we read poems wrong. 8U

Serenity Reed
Crew


Therizinosaurus90

PostPosted: Fri Aug 13, 2010 6:07 pm


Hey, Reed, could you help me out? I'm really clueless what to do puncuation wise. Think you could go over it and show me the changes like in red or something?
PostPosted: Fri Aug 13, 2010 6:16 pm


Remember when there is no punctuation, DON'T PAUSE.

A Tackle Tree

Standing on the lake shore, (remove)
Grows a tree covered in lines and hooks, (Change to : ?)
A Tackle Tree, always collecting more.

The sight of the trapped lures is something any angler would abhor. (Change to make the following part not a fragment.)
Fishing line forever tangled in the tree’s crooks,
Standing on the lake shore.

There will be no fish to score. (change to comma)
Nothing for the cooks, (Period?)
A Tackle Tree, always collecting more.

The fisher man will keep waging war. (Change to comma)
Even though the trees will always guard the brooks, (remove)
Standing on the lake shore.

The lake is filled with the roar (good!)
Of anglers fighting the crooks, (change to : ?)
A Tackle Tree, always collecting more.

But I must implore,
Let the lures and bobbers go, lest you become schnooks,
Standing on the shore,
A Tackle Tree, always collecting more.

The Show Begins
The band marches onto the field.
The crowd goes wild with its cheers.
The joy seen is unconcealed.
The musicians hiding any fears.

The drum major stands before the band.
She gives an order, music begins.
The crowd’s attention is now under command, (remove)
As the flags begin their spins.

The music builds to a peak.
Power radiates from the performers,
Hiding the occasional unsure squeak.
The man in the press box acting as an informer.

Sit back and enjoy, (remove)
The solo from the drummer boy.

Since this one is short, you COULD remove the punctuation cues all together. That would make it a little harder to follow, however. There's not much in this sonnet that can be changed punctuation wise.

Serenity Reed
Crew


Therizinosaurus90

PostPosted: Fri Aug 13, 2010 6:38 pm


Thanks, I'll go ahead and fix this. I'm sure they're not the best poems, but I'm kinda proud of them.
PostPosted: Fri Aug 13, 2010 6:44 pm


Needs moar purple Loki. *ew*

Serenity Reed
Crew


Therizinosaurus90

PostPosted: Fri Aug 13, 2010 6:48 pm


Don't forget the Besooketh!
PostPosted: Fri Aug 13, 2010 6:51 pm


HOW WILD AND CRAZED THE POEM THAT BESOOKETH ME!

Serenity Reed
Crew


Therizinosaurus90

PostPosted: Fri Aug 13, 2010 6:57 pm


XD I lol'd I wanna listen to that reading again.
PostPosted: Fri Aug 13, 2010 6:58 pm



Serenity Reed
Crew


Therizinosaurus90

PostPosted: Fri Aug 13, 2010 7:25 pm


I keep trying to figure out the format of this poem is and I just come up with :wut?

It's probably free verse, the format of douchebags.

Would it be weird if I said I thought your voice was awesome...because it is. >.>...
PostPosted: Fri Aug 13, 2010 7:30 pm


Hey, I LIKE free verse! (Unless it's REALLY obvious that it's only free because the poet sucks.)

...My voice isn't that interesting. I've been told I sound like a soap opera villain at times, though. *shrug* You should hear the readings for Bump. Faux British accent FTW.

Serenity Reed
Crew


Therizinosaurus90

PostPosted: Fri Aug 13, 2010 7:36 pm


Eh, I'm just playing. Free verse is all right as long as it's got some sort of...poetic flow. I hate reading free verse from people who can't write poetry: usually emo kids and their wangsty poems.

Dude, why haven't I heard your readings of Bump?
Reply
Poetry and Lyricism

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