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 Posted: Fri Aug 13, 2010 1:32 am
 If he took the time to think about it, he could perhaps have mustered a little appreciation for the last couple of weeks he'd had, marked as they were by a lack of debilitating stomach aches. Not so this morning; while last night had certainly ended unpleasantly, he had woken with a richer knowledge of...of the absolute mess of a conversation he'd made in his cramped den. And as that insight bloomed in his mind, he felt his gut clench, his spit sour, and had to shakily whisper to himself, it will be worth it to go outside, just please try. And it did get better, because he was not allowed to sit and shake here, he was expected to think only of the Sisters, which was in some ways much easier. It brought him to the end of the day, and he allowed himself an anemic hope that maybe he could just avoid Iosef, forever? Or until they both decided on their own to not acknowledge...that. That wreck of nerves and miscommunication. His hackles raised to accompany a shudder, as he stood outside the entrance of his den that evening. Knowing he didn't have the will to do so, he thought about running away - and instead jerkily crawled into his foxhole, prepared to spend an insomniac night of brooding. 
Iosef had purposely evaded Tui throughout their morning duties, and had spent whatever moments of free time he had in the company of Seraphin -- as much to avoid Tui as to foster this new relationship of sorts he had stumbled into.
Out of the frying pan, into the fire.
It was awkward, he would not deny that. Awkward, but not entirely unpleasant, and the interaction was grounded in a sense of...rightness. Being with Seraphin felt like the correct thing to do, the place he should be, and it validated his existence. And so he had hidden in the lesser of two discomforts, relishing in the simple company of gentleness.
But it couldn't last all day, not without his internal drive for fairness overtook him. Because after all he had done to protect Tui from the general meanness and threat that could live in the pack, it was hardly fair for him to turn his back on the white wolf now.
And so, in the spirit of diplomacy as much as anything, the calico-pelted wolf made his way to the den, not sure what he would find there, not sure what he planned on saying -- only that he needed to say something to attempt to make up for last night's terrible humiliation.
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Posted: Fri Aug 13, 2010 1:36 am
Not having fully submerged into full-tilt self-flagellation quite yet, Tui thought he heard someone arriving at his doorstep. Doubtlessly...someone in particular. He froze for a moment, perhaps knowing on some level that this would be his last decent chance to pull himself together, and focused on remembering how to pretend to have no emotional scarring at all; his face went a little blank as he angled towards the den's exit, though it was beyond his ability to stop his pale, sorry eyes from glaring out his unhappiness.
Iosef focused bashfully on his paws, ears folded back to his skull, for all intents and purposes the image of polite humiliation. "I won't be long," he said, and then winced, wishing now that he had rehearsed this conversation. "I mean, I don't want to intrude on your evening again. I just...thought it would be prudent...to apologize for my actions last night." he chanced a glance upward and was, once more, grateful at how desolate Tui's corner of the territory was, and how much the Sisters tended not to mind the affairs of the slaves. "I was...not exactly myself, and I'm sorry you had to see me at...well. Anyway."
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Posted: Fri Aug 13, 2010 1:37 am
Tui was unable not to smile a little - of course he would come to apologize. He wanted to make it better, and not break off all contact with Tui; the idea of being given a second chance thrummed at his heartstrings, and he leveled Iosef with a look of such awe-filled gratitude it almost rolled him backwards. "It's okay," he whispered, before returning to himself somewhat; "I was, um...I wish I could have been more helpful." He met Iosef's eye with a complicated look. "I think it's good that you said it, though."
He glanced around, reflexively, and settled to his haunches. A moment ago, he had been intent upon apologizing and walking away -- but now, he found the desire to linger, born in the soft smile and quiet eyes of the white wolf. "It's alright," he said, with that cursed politeness. "I shouldn't have expected you to have the answers." He paused, a moment, brow furrowed. That unfortunate curiosity was rising up within him again and he curbed his urge to ask the question that burned at the back of his mind.
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Posted: Fri Aug 13, 2010 1:38 am
Mirroring him, Tui's face darkened slightly, trying to keep his head above the proverbial water for their conversation. "I'm just not sure...what answers you were looking for," he admitted quietly, trying not to look downwards. He managed instead to smile apologetically. "I'm not very good at inferring."
He chuckled. "It's a nice night," he said, a bit off-topic, glancing up at the clear sky; it was warm, but not stifling, and the moonless sky was full of stars. "Listen. You want to go out on a walk? Standing still always makes me anxious."
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Posted: Fri Aug 13, 2010 1:39 am
He nodded, humbly ducking out of his den, and happy to have something occupy his jittering paws. I'm the same way, he thought, admiration shining in his eyes again, but he didn't say it; just held it in his mouth like a sweet stone and moved carefully to Iosef's side. "The weather here is a little different," he noted quietly; "I didn't think it would get through summer this quickly."
"Are you from further north?" He asked, rising back to his paws, stretching -- his wiry muscles rippling beneath his silky pelt, his body well-toned from years of hard labor, if a bit on the lean side -- and set off through the trees. He wasn't purposely seeking seclusion, though his paws seemed to be carrying him with some kind of purpose. "Taiyou tells me things are different there. Harsher, colder." He left that open to interpretation.
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Posted: Fri Aug 13, 2010 1:40 am
Tui followed, feeling raggedy; although in truth, he had filled out some thanks to a couple of months' worth of regular meals. For the most part, now, his sorry appearance had mainly to do with worrying. "I'm not sure...I was mainly heading West, but I don't know how well I ended up aiming." He shut his mouth and walked in silence for a while, still putting his will to keeping interactions between them...manageable. At length, he spoke again. "Antianeira is definitely different from anywhere else I've seen...I think maybe it's this place that's unusual, but I'm not really sure."
He nodded. "I...wouldn't be surprised." He paused a moment, sniffing at the air, and glanced over his shoulder at Tui, his violet eyes gently probing. "But...where you're from. It's still...abnormal...to..." he trailed off, finding once more that he could not bring himself to say it aloud.
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Posted: Fri Aug 13, 2010 1:41 am
His eyebrows raised, and he fought a smile back from curling on his lips; he wouldn't have guessed he'd find it so sweet to watch somebody unable to admit being gay - especially considering the force it would require for someone to pull that truth from himself. But being with Iosef reminded him of being with his sister, when they were young. Being able to watch his face and tell what he was trying to say, feel the same muddling embarrassment. "I couldn't say for sure." His eyes fell to watch his paws plodding forward. "I don't think it would ever be something most wolves would do, but..." he jerked a shoulder in a shrug, "I don't think it's as bad as being a murderer."
Iosef's nose wrinkled; he hadn't thought of that -- indeed, the idea hadn't even occurred to him to try to nominalize it, to decide precisely -how- bad it would be -- and he rolled the idea over in his head a few times. Then, voice low, unable to conceal his curiosity on the matter, he pressed. "But...have you ever....?" He met Tui's eyes with his own innocently wide gaze, and fidgeted. having recently been in close proximity to a female, part of him ached to know what his other option would feel like, and if perhaps he was making too much of the whole scenario.
What was love, anyway? Obviously he was building it up too much in his mind. ....maybe he just needed to get something out of his system...satiate his curiosity once and for all....
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Posted: Fri Aug 13, 2010 1:42 am
His steps slowed, the import of Iosef's question washed over him in stages. He felt his gums tingle, and his heart sputter, but the open woods surrounding them kept his mind from ramping up all the way into panic. Taking great care, Tui watched his eyes, their vivid color muted down to luminous under starlight, and thought about what Iosef was asking, what he didn't know. He must have a right to know he was picking up a broken toy. "A lot." And though he'd never have the will to do it elsewhere, he kept staring, tender and guarded.
His eyes widened, if possible, even further, and he blinked owlishly at Tui, for a moment not certain that the other wolf had understood his question -- but something in the unwavering quality of Tui's stare convinced him that he had, and he was, for a moment, floored.
there was something both comic and tragic in the calico-pelted wolf's expression, his reaction to the news, and he hesitated, not even certain how to respond to that news. "Oh," he said, and then, terrified that Tui would misjudge his shocked silence for condemnation, continued, in genuine uncertainty, "...is that a good thing?"
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Posted: Fri Aug 13, 2010 1:43 am
Tui's mouth twisted; Iosef kept asking these questions like they had a good answer, and he didn't know what to do. And if he looked for an answer...he would have a hard time remaining fully here. He could feel it already, like stepping into quicksand; it was hard to remember and stay sure he didn't have a bite to the neck coming. "Sometimes," he said quietly, and tried to ignore the pithed-out feeling of abandonment. His feet had stopped, at some point, and he stood transfixed, his body cricked and taut, his face dismal.
His brow furrowed, not sure at all how to take that. Whatever answer he had been hoping for...it wasn't that. "Oh," he said, again, and resumed walking because he could think of nothing better to do.
He stopped again, after a moment, faltering. He hated to press the issue...hated to probe into that vulnerable, dark place that both of them shared, but he needed to know. He needed absolute certainty and he could only get that if he could ask a question outright, and have it answered in kind. "When I'm with a female," he said, quietly, but boldly, not believing he could say this. "I feel...strange. Empty. Like some part of me is missing. And guilty, because they...don't seem to feel the same way." His brow furrowed. "...is it like that?"
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Posted: Fri Aug 13, 2010 1:44 am
This confession caught Tui more than a little off guard; if nothing else, Tui had always been wholeheartedly invested in his romantic endeavors...and he had certainly never been given the opportunity to play-act at anything else. "It's not like that at all," he murmured, still rooted to the spot. He could feel something other than blood pulsing in his veins, some dreadful poison he'd been carrying for years, but the ways he knew to dance and sweat it out were not quite viable, now. Without much trouble, he recalled the image of Iosef shivering against the wall of his den, and the connection came on so fast and hard it gave him vertigo. Trying to keep his teeth from chattering, he forced his eyes up to meet Iosef; to show him the sharp edge to be found in his sad, tattered face. He wanted to see if he could make him shiver. "You don't know what it's like at all?"
He shook his head emphatically, his ears so thoroughly plastered to his skull that they seemed to have disappeared into his headfur, his tail tucked tightly between his legs. "No," he said, and there was a plea encased in that 'no', a question he couldn't find words to express. "...I've never...you're the only wolf in the world that knows," he said, finally. "Except for Alkaia, when she felt the emptiness inside of me."
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Posted: Fri Aug 13, 2010 1:47 am
Tui shifted on his feet, transfixed now, unable to stop his laser stare from burning away at Iosef's face. "That's not what it's like," he whispered, feeling a hot chill roll up his spine. "When...when someone touches you, it's like being lit on fire."
Iosef forced his eyes to stay upon Tui's, swallowing back confusion and terror and a jumble of uncertain emotions that flooded up inside of him. Something in his mind was screaming.
He had known the the embrace of a female, and had felt...well, not what Tui had described, at any rate. Iosef, a creature of logic and servitude and a hard life of physical labor, did not believe that such emotion could exist, that anything could be so...raw. Brow furrowed, uncertainty weighing heavily in his mind, he contemplated Tui's answer and felt an all-too-familiar trembling resume in his legs, felt his heart flutter with anticipation.
Without knowing why he asked -- without knowing what it would possibly prove to him -- he stared back at Tui resolutely and tried to contain the shaking that crept into his voice as his brain, so desperate to understand that which was unknown, forced him to contemplate the impossible.
"Show me."
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