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 Posted: Thu Jan 12, 2006 4:30 pm
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
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Posted: Thu Jan 12, 2006 5:11 pm
I suggest you don't say "ditch my parents" and take out "ain't" and replace it because they both sound somewhat unprofessional.
Other than that, it looks fine to me. But I'm extremely a**l, anything else I would have otherwise suggested would have been purely that I don't like the wordage, but that wouldn't make it incorrect.
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Posted: Sat Jan 14, 2006 11:47 am
"Appeal" should be "appease".
Never use "ain't" in an application.
"Appease myself", not "appease me".
Replace "sporadic" with "spontaneous".
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Posted: Sun Feb 12, 2006 4:15 pm
Shinobi 1977 "Appeal" should be "appease". Never use "ain't" in an application. "Appease myself", not "appease me". Replace "sporadic" with "spontaneous". He stole what I said.
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Posted: Tue Feb 14, 2006 5:16 am
Rain Lancer Shinobi 1977 "Appeal" should be "appease". Never use "ain't" in an application. "Appease myself", not "appease me". Replace "sporadic" with "spontaneous". He stole what I said. stole what you said.
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Posted: Tue Feb 14, 2006 12:45 pm
Uh-Oh >.>
We have ourselves, a ex-member.
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Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2006 4:19 pm
DEFINATELY lose the 'ain't'. It ruins the whole thing. gonk
The 'ditch my parents' thing is nice, makes it sound like you have a personality, not just some robot repeating things out of a dictionary and a grammar book.
Hey, do your parents know now that you went to Canada? xD
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Posted: Sat May 06, 2006 1:23 pm
Wow. Where do I begin?
Faces places and chases? Are you writing a limerick?
The entire sentence that begins "You know" and ends with "white picket fence" is a run-on.
You have good buds? Are you growing flowers, or do you have good friends?
You are a freshMAN, not freshmen. Unless there is more than one of you, anyway.
"Half of the work I learned" makes no sense. "Half of the material I learned" would be better.
If you only went to Canada once on the spur of the moment, that's a spontaneous trip, not a sporadic one. Sporadic means happening repeatedly, but at odd intervals.
"Until the said trip..." ?? How about "Until that trip..."?
Your entire fourth paragraph is a run-on sentence. Break it down into two or more.
Finally, you say you love to edit writing? Please don't offer to edit the novel I'm working on. I'd like it to get published. If you can't see that your own essay is (sorry to say this) a complete mess, find something else to love doing.
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