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 Posted: Mon Jul 26, 2010 7:48 pm
Authors note (7/26/10): Hey you guys, Surfingpichu here. I realize I haven't been here for very long, or haven't been posting for very long, but long story short I've decided to put up a bit of my story for some critique. I'm still working on my diction, and I'm still not sure of the starting point I've picked. This is one of many drafts I've written, not the final by a long shot and definitely not the first, so any criticism, big or small is appreciated! =3
Chapter 1: Letters home
It was almost midnight, and the dim light of a candle, was the only light for miles. The quiet little town of Layne lay silent, long settled in for a night of rest after a long day's work. Wyatt Tellerman was sure he should be joining them in that soon, but even with the heavy hand of sleep pressing upon his shoulders, he knew he couldn't rest until he'd fished what he'd set out to do. Pen in hand he continued writing, blinking back the thoughts of sleep.
Abruptly his pen came to a halt on the grainy parchment before him. He frowned, looking over his written words carefully. He bent down, drawing out a large heavy book that he kept beside him and flipped through the pages, steadily tracing the jumbles of letters with his eyes. At last he found what he was looking for and hastily grabbed his quill once more and jotted it down while it was still fresh in his mind. For someone who had been illiterate for most of his life, Wyatt had to admit, he wasn't a bad writer. It was a grueling process, stringing together letters to make words, words to make phrases. The Matrian language was needlessly difficult to write in, with so many different ways to make the same sound. Picking out the correct letters to form the correct words was almost as hard as finding a rope in a pit full of snakes, but at last he was sure he'd managed to get the hang of it. After a long struggle, Wyatt was sure he'd triumphed. He'd managed to achieve literacy, and along with it, a way to contact his sister after five long years of separation.
He lay the sheet of parchment flat, tracing his lines with the tip of his finger to make sure everything was in order. It looked correct enough, and at the very least, readable. He knew his sister, Nadia was literate. She'd tried to teach him things like letters and words long ago, but he'd always preferred the company of the other children and the promise of spending the afternoon playing bandits and heroes with sticks to reading quietly with his sister. He regretted that now, for now all he really longed for were those two things he'd once taken for granted. His sister's company, and the knowledge of words.
She'd saved his life, after all. After all these years he'd still never found a way to repay her, and still he looked. At least now he had a way to contact her, and that was all he really wanted right now. The rest would come in time.
Looking over his printed words one last time he read over the letter one last time to make sure everything was in place. It was about a half a page in length, blotted with crossed out words and the marks of hastily changed letters. Some of his words ran together, others were far too spaced out, but even so, his work looked good to his eyes.
Dear Nadie,
I wish I new how to start this letter. Having never ritten before, I hope I am doing this corectly. I also must hope that this letter reaches you in ample time, and that you are well enouf to read it. It has been 3 long years sinse I saw, or herd from you. 3 years is far too long to be seperated from the ones you love, and since I coudn't stand it any more, I took the time to lern how to rite. Are you all well? What has happened sinse I left? I have been very well. Mr. Watres is a hard man, but he is kind and he treets me well. I have lerned many things sinse started my apprentaceship, and eventualy, I may be able to make enough gold to live on my own. I wish I coud be with you all rite now, but unfortunatly, that cant be. I miss you all, but being able to rite to you all gives me lots of hope.
Wyatt Tellerman
He lay the parchment flat again, content with his work. Still he felt a pang of loneliness as he read. Being separated from Nadia for so long made him yearn for her companionship, but there was a chance that she might be a different case altogether. She may have forgotten about him. Perhaps she didn't care any more, or perhaps she had moved on. At any case he was nervous, he couldn't help it. It had been five years since he'd spoken with her last. Perhaps she had changed.
Still, he had always been closer to Nadia than any of his other siblings. It was Nadia that had taught him right and wrong when his mother and father weren't around. Nadia had brought him on adventures through the marshes when they were younger, catching toads and dredging up buried treasure. She was the one who had stood by his side and held his hand when their father died, and she who had wept the longest when he went off to fulfill his apprenticeship. He could still see the tears in her eyes, how sad she had been.
She wouldn't have forgotten me. Wyatt assured himself as he smothered out the candle. It's only been a few years. I'm her brother after all. It's not as if we all forgot who Daniel was after he became a blacksmith. Brothers don't forget brothers.
Still he was sure that after five years she would have changed quite a bit. She'd be a woman now, no longer the child he'd last seen her as. She would probably be married by now, perhaps with children.
Wyatt had to admit he'd changed quite a bit since he'd seen the rest of his family last as well. In a way he'd grown up, learned to be obedient, polite, and efficient just as his master, Mr. Watres, was. Obviously he'd also gained literacy, but that was easy enough to see. He still had the nervous twitch he'd developed as a child, though it was less pronounced, and he was sure he'd never correct the stutter in his voice, but other than that he was barely the child he'd been before.
Sighing Wyatt returned to the course, straw mattress he called a bed, laying down gently so as not to disturb the fleas. He was lucky in a way, Mr. Watres was a rather wealthy man. Wealthy enough to have a house that consisted of more than one room. The workshop, Mr. Watres's bedroom, and the room of Mr. Watres's son, now fully grown studying to be a scholar that Wyatt had been given temporarily. It came in handy in the end, with all the writing supplies laid out before him, all he had to do was make use of his resources in order to achieve literacy. Really, the entire thing was a blessing.
Wyatt looked out the window, staring at the bright crescent moon that hovered over the mountains. A great valley stretched out, dipping down into the verdant middle lands of Matria. Towering above the great forest lurked the giant fortress itself, Castle Matria, the largest structure in the land, and one of the best fortified castles to date. It made sense for Matria's castle to be that way, since Matria was one of the strongest countries in the land but even so, it was an incredible sight to behold. The town of Layne was one of the closest towns to the castle, save for Matria City itself. Many travelers passed through the small town on a daily bases. They did get some interesting characters in Layne every so often, he'd admit that, but for all that it was a rare occasion that anything particularly interesting happened there. It was a rather boring place to tell the truth.
At last Wyatt felt himself beginning to drift off. Sleep was beginning to catch him away and allow him to rest at last. All of the nights he'd spent up until all hours of the morning were starting to catch up to him, and he could feel fatigue pulling at his limbs. He closed his eyes lightly letting himself rest, when at once a sound pulled him from his sleep. The sound was soft, light, just barely audible, and Wyatt was sure that if all hadn't been still and silent moments before he would have missed it entirely. Yet now the sound was unmistakable, the soft patter of footsteps coming from the main room. For a second Wyatt lay still, waiting for the sound to pass, but it didn't. The patter of footsteps persisted until at last he could hear voices.
“You're sure they're all asleep?” the voice was soft, whispered, barely audible to anyone who wasn't listening carefully.
“Positive. No-one would be up at this hour of the night. I'm sure old man Watres is as sound as can be right now.”
There was a grunt of affirmation, and a short silence before the same voice that had spoken before chimed in again.
“What about the other one?”
"What about him?”
“You think he's asleep?”
“I just said, no one in their right mind would be up at this hour.” the voice was starting to sound agitated.
“But what if he wakes up?”
“Oh for the love of the gods.” there was an exasperated sigh, “We're not here to slit the old b*****d's throat. Watres has a debt with my father. We're just here to collect is all.”
Wyatt sat up slowly, his hands suddenly shaking. Ye gods, what could they possibly want to steal? We've got nothing to give. Unless they're keen on stealing food. He bit his lip, but without that we'll never make it through the winter. He breathed softly, trying to stay as quiet and still as possible. He was alert now, more awake than ever as feverish energy pumped through his veins. He knew about break-ins, he knew about how easily a simple act like stealing could transform into cold blooded murder within seconds. If Mr. Watres awoke, he'd try to fend the group off on his own, and in his advancing years, Wyatt couldn't imagine that ending well.
I'll catch them off guard, before anything else happens. he slid from his bed, treading as softly as he could upon the dirt floor, and took up a small knife into his shaking hand. He donned one of his hooded cloaks carefully, and approached the doorway, being sure to check his movements.
There was a group of about four of them. All of them were young, two farm boys, and the two sons of Mr. Raddison, the local blacksmith. Wyatt knew those two boys. The larger, stockier one was Dalton, a rather soft brained fellow who had inherited the large stature that his father was known for. The smaller of the two was Levi, though he wasn't smaller by much. He was however, quite a bit smarter than his companion. He had a shifty, intelligent look to his eyes, and Wyatt had gotten an impression early on that the boy was not to be trusted. Now he knew why.
Even now Levi Raddison looked nervous. His wide eyes darted about the room warily, like a child searching for monsters beneath his bed. Every so often his eyes would dart to the far corner of the room, as if he'd heard some non-existent sound, only for him to return to his walking. On the outside he was a confident young boy, the leader of his group obviously, but at the same time even he seemed to have his own doubts.
Wyatt's breath lay heavy in his lungs. He crept out into the main room, his knife gripped tightly in his shaking hand, his grip white knuckled and tense. He filed in behind the group, his knife concealed in his cloak, and his footsteps barely seeming to make in imprint in the heavy silence.
All of a sudden one of the farmboys piped up again, the one who had been doing the questioning before, “Do you suppose we're being followed?” he asked.
Levi frowned, “What? No. Why do you ask?”
“I... I suppose I just have this feeling... you know, like we're being watched.”
Levi looked around warily, squinting in the darkness, “It's probably just your head. We'd have seen someone by now if we were being followed.”
Wyatt crept closer now, practically holding his breath. He drew his knife now, ready to descend upon one of the boys. All he needed was to frighten one of them. Chances were the rest would flee if he did. The house would be saved, and the boys probably wouldn't return again. The idea was a comforting one, but one that would never come to pass. Just as Wyatt readied himself to spring forwards and catch one of the boys off guard, one of the boys whipped around, and stumbled back giving a startled cry. Wyatt faltered, stumbling back slightly himself only to be caught in the back of the head with a wooden staff.
“Demon! Ghost! Phantom!” one of the boys cried as he struck at Wyatt again, “Begone foul being! Back to the netherworld where you belong!” He raised his staff again, preparing to bring it down hard upon Wyatt's head.
“Wait! Stop!” Wyatt covered his head, attempting to bat away the boy's staff, “I'm no demon! I swear!”
Levi, looked at Wyatt once more frowning. The color was returning to his features now, and the look of pure terror that had once crossed his face now turned into one of confusion and relief. He approached Wyatt, tearing the boy's hood back to reveal his face. A smirk pulled at his lips.
“I know that face.” Levi said at once, “Wyatt Tellerman, isn't it? Father told me about you. I had no idea you were still around. Could have sworn old man Watres would have had enough sense to kick you to the streets by now. What do you want now, Tellerman?”
“I.. I didn't... I mean...” Wyatt's throat felt dry, “What.. what are you doing here?”
Levi raised an eyebrow, giving a forced, dry laugh, “So, you do have a voice. That's all fine and well I suppose. The question here is, can you fight?”
Wyatt got to his feet slowly. Just about all of the young men were taller than he was and far broader and better built. They towered over him, Dalton being the tallest. Dalton was taller than anyone else in Layne, save for his father, but they all looked great and powerful compared to Wyatt who was small and rather lanky to begin with. He looked down at the knife in his hand, and then at Levi. A shiver arced down his spine.
“I'm not going to fight you.” Wyatt replied, finally finding his voice “Get out or I swear you'll be thrown out. My master and I don't take well to trespassers and thieves.”
“You'll throw us out? Really, Tellerman?” Levi laughed, grabbing one of the knives from Watres's tool bench, “I'd like to see this now, how you propose to throw us out, Tellerman? Honestly I'd like to see you try, it should be at least interesting to watch.”
Wyatt took a step back, looking around warily. As it stood he was in a bad position. He wasn't armed well, he only had a little knife to protect him, and that wouldn't do much for him. Then again, he could have been wielding a halberd for all he was worth, and he still wouldn't be able to get past the four of them. Wyatt's stature put him at more of a disadvantage than his lack of a proper weapon did.
One of the boys has a staff. Wyatt reminded himself, Otherwise the rest of them are entirely unarmed. If I had a long enough weapon, I could fight them at a distance and probably stand a much better chance. Perhaps... he looked around, eying the darkened walls for something to use as a weapon. At last his eyes fell upon Mr. Watres's old walking stick. He grabbed the weapon without a second thought, brandishing it before the group of them, and stowing his knife in a pocket on his cloak.
Levi stepped forward, laughing, “Well come on now. You aren't going to just stand there, are you?”
Wyatt gritted his teeth, rushing forward with his weapon brandished, ready to strike at Levi. The boy jumped out of the way as Wyatt advanced and at once the rest of the boys filed in around him. He spun around, swinging his staff and hoping to catch one of the boys off guard. Instead his attack was stopped by Dalton, the other Raddison brother, who grabbed Wyatt's staff out of the air just as it came around. A smile spread over his features as he pulled the staff out of Wyatt's hands, and whirled it around, knocking Wyatt in the back of the head with it. He fell to his knees dazed, only to be grabbed from behind and hoisted to his feet once more. In a second Levi Raddison had him in a headlock with a knife to his throat.
“Now, you're going to be a good boy and stay quiet for us, aren't you Tellerman?” Levi said softly, a sadistic smile on his face, “I'd hate to see what would happen if Mr. Watres woke up to find his apprentice split into two halves.”
Wyatt gave a small grunt, struggling to pull himself out of Levi's grip, but the boy was too strong. He held him back almost effortlessly. The cool touch of steel against his neck sent a shiver down his spine, and he looked up at Levi with fear in his eyes.
“Y-you can't do this.” Wyatt protested in as loud a voice as he could muster, “When the rest of Layne hears of this your names will all be tarnished. You won't get off of this charge so easily. You'll all be driven off for this. Banished.”
For a second a hint of fear flashed into Levi's eyes. The rest of the group faltered, for a second seeming to fear the words of the otherwise helpless young boy they'd caught. One of the boys backed away, as if intimidated, and a rush of pride filled Wyatt for a moment. That pride was crushed when all at once a frighteningly cool smile worked its way onto Levi's lips. A cold rush of fear flew down Wyatt's spine as the knife began to dig further into his neck.
“So, you're not going to cooperate, are you?” he asked, “Well then I suppose we don't have much of a choice now. It would be better for you to be found dead to an anonymous killer than for you to go about spewing out your filthy bile to tarnish our names. We'd have to kill you for it anyway, so why not skip the middle man while we're here? We'll kill you now so we don't have to clean things up later.”
Wyatt felt a wave of horror sweep down his spine. They're going to... to kill me? At once he grabbed a hold of Levi's hand's forcing the boy's knife away from his neck.
“Mr. Watres!” he cried out in desperation, “Mr.-...”
A hand clamped tight around his mouth, muffling his cries and pulling him back. Wyatt gave a grunt, struggling to free himself when another pair of hands grabbed his wrists, forcing his hands away. Levi had caught a hold of his hair pulling his head back to reveal his throat. He was breathing hard now. His head was spinning with all the confusion. He could barely tell what was happening. On top of that he could barely move. He struggled to get out of the way of Levi's knife, but what felt like one million hands held him in place and pinned him down. The world was spinning. Already he couldn't breathe, even though his throat was still intact. He had to imagine that if this kept up that wouldn't be the case for long.
With one last flailing struggle he managed to free one of his hands. Immediately he grabbed his knife once more and made a quick swipe at one of the boys that was holding him down. The boy gave a sharp cry, dropping Wyatt, who immediately tore himself from his captor's grasp in the moment of confusion and scrambled to his feet, brandishing his weapon. The boy he'd struck at grabbed his calf protectively as blood trickled down his leg.
“Well, it looks like he's got some fight in him after all.” Levi noted, twirling his own weapon in his hand, “This could prove pretty exciting really. Come on Tellerman, why don't you show us what you can really do with that weapon of yours.”
“I'm not going to fight you.” Wyatt shook his head, “If my Master finds you here he'll...”
“He'll what?” Levi laughed, “That old man could barely pick up a sword, let alone wield one. You think we're afraid of some haggard old wretch like him? Or are you really useless enough that you'd rely on your half-decaying master to pull you out of a situation you're too weak to handle like a man?”
The blacksmith's son looked over his weapon, smirking, “And if you don't think I'd cut down an old man like Watres, you're sorely mistaken.”
“You wouldn't dare.” Wyatt cried at once, rushing forward with his weapon brandished.
Levi quickly stepped out of the way, letting Wyatt swipe at the thin air.
“Now there's what I'm looking for.” he commented, “Good to see that you've at least got some fight in you.”
A smile spread out upon the boy's lips, as he struck back at Wyatt. Wyatt stumbled back out of the way, cutting down to try and catch his arm, but Levi was too fast and pulled his hand out of the way. He came around with his unarmed hand and drove his elbow into Wyatt's chest, driving the air from his lungs. Just in time, Wyatt managed to raise his arm and catch Levi in the hand before he could manage to drive his knife into Wyatt's neck. The boy let out a cry, drawing his hand back as a thin line of blood formed across the base of his hand.
Levi's eyes narrowed as he glared up at Wyatt, his free hand balling into a fist. With a feral cry he launched himself at Wyatt knocking him back to the floor, his weight pinning him down. Wyatt caught Levi's hands, struggling to keep the boy's knife away from his neck, but his strength proved too great. He could see the weapon inching closer every second. Ye gods, I have to do something. He looked around. No other weapons were to be found. Only the one in his hand. He gave a grunt, pushing back against Levi's hands, desperate to fight back against him. At last he couldn't hold him any more. He let his unarmed hand relax. Immediately Levi tumbled forward caught off guard, his knife only just missing Wyatt's neck. Immediately Wyatt reared up with an attack of his own, and caught the boy across the face with his knife.
In the next moment Levi reared back, howling in pain and clutching the side of his face. Wyatt was released, and he stumbled back to his feet. By now he couldn't stop himself. Lunging forward he gave a feral cry, knocking Levi to the ground and diving on top of him, his knife poised to spear him in the chest, or the throat, or any vital area he could hit at this point. A hand grabbed him at once from behind and hauled him to his feet. The dull, heavy sound of Dalton's laugh rang heavy in his ears. Levi righted himself immediately, brandishing his own weapon as he approached Wyatt, a smirk on his face.
Wyatt gave a whimper, struggling to free himself from from Dalton's grip, but the boy was a giant, nearly twice his size and triple his weight. He already knew any struggles he could make were futile. Dalton could probably crush him with one hand. However, it was Levi's turn to deal the final blow as he approached Wyatt with malice in his eyes.
“Well now, I suppose you think you're pretty impressive eh?” Levi sneered, “I'll admit, I didn't expect you to be able to draw blood. Bravo, Tellerman. I'm impressed.”
He gave a chuckle, drawing close to Wyatt as he placed the cold tip of his knife against the boy's neck, “Now here's your reward.”
Wyatt whimpered, pressing himself against Dalton in an attempt to get as far away from Levi's knife as possible. Of course, he couldn't escape, he knew that well enough.
“L-Levi, you don't want to do this.” Wyatt stammered, fear in his eyes, “Don't be a murderer, don't do this.”
“You weren't thinking that when you were trying to kill me were you?” Levi accused, his eyes narrowing.
Wyatt's voice caught in his throat.
“I didn't think so.” with that Levi pulled his arm back, his eyes shining. Wyatt looked away, unable to watch any longer as what might have been the last moments of his life flashed by.
“What in the five hells do you think you're doing?”
Wyatt blinked, looking back up to see Mr. Watres catch Levi's hand and twist it forcefully behind his back. Levi gave a sharp cry, dropping his weapon, and arcing back, his face contorting with pain. For such a feeble looking old man, he certainly did have some fight still in him. The lines of age etched into his face and the tufts of fine hair that floated before his eyes only seemed to make him more menacing as he subdued Levi Raddison.
“Levi!” Dalton gave a cry, dropping Wyatt at once and making a grab at Mr. Watres.
Wyatt reclaimed his weapon, lunging for the giant as he lumbered towards the fragile old man, but a single sweep from Dalton's fist was enough to send Wyatt flying back. He landed hard, slamming into the wall, and for a second could only watch in a daze as Dalton stomped towards his master.
“Mr. Watres, look out!” Wyatt cried, struggling to right himself.
The other two boys were gone now. Presumably they'd fled when Mr. Watres appeared, but of course, Dalton would never abandon his brother. Instantly alert Mr. Watres shoved Levi to the ground, grabbing one of the wooden canes in the corner.
“What're you going to do with that, old man?” Dalton laughed as he advanced upon the old man.
“Wyatt, run while you can.” Mr. Watres cried out. He twisted the cane's head, sliding the knobby head away from the rest of the wooden body to reveal a sword housed inside. Dalton's face seemed to fall “Get help! Quickly now! I'll take care of things in here.”
Wyatt nodded, turning at once to dart out the door. He could hear footsteps behind him following closely. Ye merciful gods. Levi. He looked around, I have to lose him somehow. It won't help Mr. Watres much if I'm slaughtered in the middle of the street before I can get help. I have to lose him somehow.
Mr. Watres's house lay near the edge of town. They were surrounded on all sides by thick forest. Their entire town lay at the edge of a deep valley that seemed to sink deep into the earth. It was rather dark out to begin with, and Wyatt was rather confident in his abilities to get through the woods on his own. Perhaps I'd be able to lose him if I went through there.
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Posted: Mon Jul 26, 2010 7:51 pm
“Get back here Tellerman, you coward!” Levi's voice came from behind, “Face me like a man, Tellerman!”
Wyatt winced, at once making a bee-line for the forest. Ye gods, I hope this works.
He darted into the densely packed trees, wading through knee high brush and pushing his way through bushes and thistles. He winced as thorns and branches picked at his face and his arms as he pushed through the thick forest. All of a sudden he felt his leg fall through the air. He faltered, his arms flailing and grappling a nearby tree branch as he came to a halt before a huge cliff. The road simply stopped before him, dropping off into a large cliff that had to be at least ten feet to the ground. Wyatt took a step back, his heart pounding. For a second he gazed down the ledge, his eyes settling on the hard ground below. He couldn't help noting the sharp, jagged rocks that jutted out from the side of the ledge, each one threatening to break bones and spill blood. Wyatt swallowed hard.
“So, what, you wanted to take things to trickier ground, Tellerman?” Levi's voice came through the brush. Wyatt spun around, his heart in his throat.
“You didn't really think a little brush would stop me, did you?” the boy came into view now, his mouth drawn up into a winning smile as he pushed a tree branch out of his way. Wyatt took a step back, “Come on now, really Tellerman? You need to try a little harder than that. Get creative for once.” he brandished his knife, a smile on his face, “Ah well, I suppose it's a little late for that.”
Wyatt shook his head taking another few steps back as Levi advanced. His foot paddled the air after a few seconds, and he looked behind him only to realize that he had nowhere left to go. There was nothing but air and a long fall behind him. Levi was coming closer, and Wyatt could do nothing more than inch away as slowly as he could, trying to put as much distance between himself and the knife wielding boy. At last his feet faltered. His arms pinwheeled back as he tried desperately to regain his footing but gravity proved too great for him, and dragged him down into the air. He gave a sharp cry, his hand shooting out to try and grab a hold of something that would break his fall. Instead he found the wind once more knocked from his lungs as he was dashed against one of the rocks that jutted out from the side of the drop off. For a second, he managed to make contact with the side of the cliff and proceeded to tumble the rest of the way down before hitting the ground, hard.
Stars passed before Wyatt's eyes, and pain arced down his arm, and the lower portion of his back. If nothing was broken, he would be incredibly surprised. He closed his eyes, wincing from the pain. He couldn't move, he could barely turn his head enough to glance back up the small cliff at Levi, but at the very least he was alive. Levi was staring down at him, looking amused.
“Good job, Tellerman, you've managed to prove your just as dense as you are cowardly.” Levi smirked, “Go on, try to run away. We don't need a blasted idiot like yourself in our village. Maybe your corpse will keep the wolves busy for a few days.”
Levi turned at once, smirking as he disappearing back into the woods, and Wyatt was left alone, quite immobile on the forest floor. For a second he lay still, not sure if he should try to move or not. The distant hum of the forest's nightly creatures rang around him for a few seconds, washing over him like a wave. I can't just lie here waiting for something to happen. Levi's right, I'll be killed if I stay here. He stood, moving as gingerly as he could.. He still couldn't move his left arm, and a small rivulet of blood was trickling from his forehead. He staggered on his feet for a second, suddenly dizzy. I guess I must have hit my head on the way down. he put a hand to his brow, Ye gods I need to get out of here. I need to help Mr. Watres. Levi probably went back to finish him off with Dalton. Ye gods I have to hurry.
He burst into a sprint for a second or two, but his legs wouldn't carry him. His body ached too much from the fall, and no matter how fast he wanted to go, he was reduced to a snail's pace, making his way back along the edge of the ridge he'd fallen from. He couldn't climb it, even on his best days he knew he couldn't and certainly not now. He would either have to walk until he found a path back up, or an area that was shallow enough to climb up.
The dark of night enveloped him, seeming to wrap him in a veil. He could barely see three inches before his face, and the deep sounds of the evening's many creatures made him wary to say the least. He could hear the howling of wolves, the hooting of owls and hissing of snakes. He couldn't help fancying that every sound he heard was out to get him. He would jump when he heard a stick break behind him, always wary, his mind spinning with the possibilities or who or what might be lurking in the shadows.
They were soft voices, whispered, as if trying to conceal the fact that they in fact were there. Wyatt couldn't pick up on the exact words but he was sure they were there. Perhaps it's Levi Wyatt thought, backing up, Perhaps he's come back for me. He started walking faster now, picking up speed gradually until he was moving at a jog's pace. The next thing he knew he was sprinting, running through the forest as fast as he could. Branches whipped at his arms and stung his face, but he couldn't be bothered to care about that. He needed to get back to safety, back to Mr. Watres to ensure he wouldn't be killed by the Raddison brothers.
A low growl stopped Wyatt in his tracks. His feet seemed to turn to lead as he glanced to the side, laying eyes on what he perceived to be the largest wolf he'd ever seen in his life. The creature's hackles were up, teeth bared with foam and spittle dripping from the beast's snarling lips. Wyatt's throat seemed to close as he backed away, his uninjured hand shaking as he grabbed hold of his knife, knowing it would do him absolutely no good.
He took a step back carefully, his movements slow, and meticulous. No sudden movements, right? That's how you deal with animals, just move slowly. He settled for that slowly inching himself away from the creature. He held his breath, not daring to breathe. Maybe it will just go away. He tried to justify himself, Maybe it will forget about me.
The wolf, however, had other plans. Its snarling teeth and beady yellow eyes seemed to gauge Wyatt's movements as he crept along the edge of the ridge, his back nearly pressed against the rocky wall. He felt his foot falter as he stepped on uneven ground, and he stumbled back, giving a small cry as he fell to the ground. That was the beast's cue. It lunged forward, it's teeth bared and Wyatt could only stare in horror as the gaping mouth of teeth descended upon him.
All at once he heard a cry come from nowhere. A burst of light flashed before his eyes, and at once he found the beast lying dead before him, its head cut clean in two. Wyatt gaped at the now dead beast, and then up at the man who had saved his life. He held no sword and he wore a hooded robe that covered his face partially. Wyatt stumbled back to his feet, drawing away from the hooded man carefully. Ye gods what happened? What is that man?
The man seemed to give a start, taking a step forward as Wyatt stepped away. At that Wyatt turned tail and made a sprint to the right, hoping to lose him before the man had the time to do to him what he'd done to the wolf. His flight was short, however. Just as he turned to run he was caught off guard and slammed into yet another hooded figure.
Wyatt fell to the ground, and gazed up at the man he'd knocked into, aghast and trembling. The man before him looked down at him, his mouth pulled into a sour scowl. His expression was one of pure hate, perhaps even disgust as he stared down at Wyatt, as if daring him to breathe a word.
“I-... I'm sorry sir, terribly sorry.” Wyatt managed to choke out at last. His voice sounded high, and forced, “I.. I must not have...”
“He didn't see anything, did he?” the man ignored him, turning to his hooded companion without so much as a second glance at Wyatt.
The man's face was pale and sunken, nearly corpse-like in the dull light of the moon, and though the garment he wore entirely hid his body, Wyatt could tell that he was not much more than skin and bones. Unlike his companion the first hooded man had a rather full stature. His face was round, and his chin was coated with stubble, and though Wyatt couldn't see the man's eyes, he was sure they would be rather rounded as well. He seemed nervous, shifting his weight from foot to foot.
“I... I don't think he...” the man other began. He sounded anxious. Judging by the countenance of his companion, Wyatt didn't blame him much.
“Good,” the thinner of the two abruptly cut his companion off, turning to stride away from Wyatt without so much as a second thought about him, “Now come on. We don't need you to cause us any more trouble, you understand?”
“B-but I...” the first man watched as his companion drew away, struck dumb. He stole one last glance at Wyatt, before rushing to catch up with the man, “Hey, wait!”
Wyatt could only watch as the pair drew away, unsure whether to be relieved or frightened. He watched the two draw away until their outlines could no longer be seen in the forest, and Wyatt was left alone. His mind was blank. Somehow he couldn't wrap his mind around what he'd seen, it didn't make sense. Of course, there were other, more important matters at hand. Namely, getting back to Mr. Watres before he was too late. Perhaps he already was.
He stood, thinking nothing of the two strange men he'd seen, and bolted along the path. He felt alert now, his heart pounding in his ears. The dark of the forest seemed to close in around him, he could barely see a foot before him. All of a sudden he felt as if he was running in place. The forest seemed endless here, stretching on forever before him, and forever behind. His legs were starting to ache, partially from fatigue and partially from his fall. At last he found he could no longer run, and for a second rested up against a tree, panting and gasping for breath as his legs gave out beneath him. Ye gods, I'll never get back at this rate. Mr. Watres will be killed before I even get close to getting out of here.
“There you are, Tellerman.” Wyatt froze, a shiver arcing down his spine. Levi Raddison stood before him, staring down at him from the top of the ledge. It was much more shallow here, less steep and less of a drop, and there was no longer anything preventing the boy from jumping down to meet him.
Wyatt stood now, taking a step back, trying to create as much distance as he could between himself and the youth. Levi, however, had other plans. With a running jump he leaped from the small cliff, landing before Wyatt deftly with a devilish smirk on his face.
“I'm surprised. I all but thought you'd be dead by now. Well now, I'd say it's high time we've finished what we started.” Levi said casually as he circled around the boy, “Wouldn't you say?”
Wyatt tensed watching Levi carefully. The boy chuckled, as he brandished his weapon, urging Wyatt on.
“I'm.. I'm not going to fight you.” Wyatt backed away. He knew that if he did anything to harm Levi, he'd have Levi's father after him in a heartbeat, and with him quite a few from the man's tight knit circle of friends.
“If you won't I assure you I will.” Levi replied casually, “You do realize that I could easily kill you here, and nobody would know. There's no one around. By the time anyone found your worm eaten corpse it would be morning, and no one will have to know about our little run in, now will they?”
Wyatt swallowed hard, backing away as Levi advanced upon him. He was cornered. He couldn't flee back up the hill with his arm wounded the way it was, and he couldn't dart to the side. Surely Levi would catch him. He'd broken out into a cold sweat.
“I.. I don't want to fight.” Wyatt said again, his throat feeling tight all of a sudden. He couldn't breathe.
“What now, are you stupid?” Levi asked, “Is that the only thing you can say?”
Wyatt averted his eyes. Suddenly he couldn't bring himself to look at Levi any more.
“I'm... I'm not...”
His own weapon, his carving knife, glistened in his hand. Sharpened to a deadly point, it could cut through the boy's flesh in an instant. It would be rather fulfilling, he thought, to see Levi dead. After all he's done, he'd deserve it, wouldn't he?
“...not going to...”
Out of the corner of his eyes he could see Levi rushing towards him, his weapon brandished, poised to strike.
“...to...”
All at once Wyatt whipped around, a glutteral cry irrupting from his throat as he flicked his knife out just in time to catch Levi's. He lunged at him swiping wildly with his blade in an attempt to pierce the boy's flesh. Deftly, Levi stepped out of the way, a sneer on his lips.
“Ahh, that's what I wanted to see Tellerman.” he said at once, a mischievous glint in his eyes “There's the fight from before.”
Wyatt didn't pause for a second. He turned once more, lunging at Levi, only for the young blacksmith to sidestep his attack. He grappled at Wyatt's wrists, and pulled him in, wrestling him to the ground.
“So anxious now Tellerman?” Levi asked, “I thought you didn't want to fight.”
Wyatt gave a slight cry as Levi wrapped his arm around Wyatt's neck, crushing his throat in. His knife fell from his hands, bouncing out of his reach before he could reclaim it, and at once he found himself at the mercy of the cruel, knife-wielding youth before him.
“It's too bad Tellerman,” Levi sneered, “I would have liked to toy with you for a bit longer.” his knife glinted in his free hand.
Wyatt whimpered, his hands tugging at Levi's arm as he struggled to free himself. The attempt was for naught, Levi was far too strong for him.
“I'd imagine Dalton's made quick work of the old man.” Levi commented passively, “Times are tough you know, Tellerman. Not everyone gets to live in a nice home with a warm fire every night, or eat a good meal every supper time.” he smirked, “It goes to show you. In times like these some people live and some people die. Tough break I suppose.”
Wyatt didn't respond. He couldn't, not with so much of his breath gone already. He was starting to get dizzy. Looking around, he managed to spot his weapon, lying on the grass a few inches from his grip. He stretched his hand out towards the weapon, reaching out to reclaim it. His time was ticking down now, and his discarded weapon was his last hope. Come on now, it's not that far. I'll.. I'll make it.
With one last stretch he felt the cool wooden hilt of his blade in his hand, and at once he grasped the weapon, driving it hard into Levi's arm. The boy gave a startled cry, releasing Wyatt and clutching his wounded arm. At once Wyatt descended upon the boy, driving his elbow into Levi's jaw. He sprung upon him, beating him across the face with the blunt end of his knife, and then drawing his arm back he prepared to make his final cut, driving the knife into the boy's throat. A look of sheer terror crossed Levi's face as Wyatt reared up. Wyatt barely noticed it. His mind was blank. All his could think about was ending the boy's miserable life as quickly as he could. He would deal with the consequences later. For right now, he just wanted to see him bleed.
“Wyatt!”
A hand caught Wyatt around the wrist, stopping the decent of his knife into Levi's throat, and Wyatt spun around pulling his weapon back, ready to strike at the man who had thought to stop him from taking Levi's life. Almost immediately he stopped dead as he realized who he was standing before.
“M-.. Mr. Watres?” Wyatt stammered, his weapon dropping from his hands as the rush of energy he'd felt before left his body. He felt numb all of a sudden staring up at not only his master, but at two other figures: Fredrick Tarem, and Thomas Nockten.
“What in the name of the gods do you think you're doing, Tellerman?” Mr. Watres growled, “Get over here.”
“Y-... yes sir!” Wyatt stammered scrambling to his master's side.
Levi Raddison had righted himself by now, his face white with terror.
He looked from Tarem to Nockten a few times, his eyes wide. He looked around, licking his lips thoughtfully.
“Thank the gods, you've come to rescue me!” he cried, falling to his knees as if in reverence, “That.. that brute ran me down out here. He tried to kill me!”
“Save your words, Levi.” Mr. Tarem took a step forwards, looking upon the boy with rage and disgust, “If there's anything I won't have, it's you and your ruddy brother running amok like rogues. Our village is a peaceful one, not to be disturbed by the likes of thieves and liars. ”
Levi took a step back, his face going pale as the rest of the town, well armed with swords and clubs filed in behind Tarem, their grim, gristly faces illuminated in the dim torchlight. Levi seemed to shrink into himself, taking a few steps backwards before turning tail and darting into the woods as fast as he could. The old man's face seemed to grow even more crimson as he watched the boy take off into the woods, and the old man took off in a sprint after him, Wyatt and Mr. Watres following closely behind.
Levi darted out of the forest, scrambling up the hill into the village, breathing hard. By some trick of fate, the boy faltered on his feet, and stumbled, falling to the ground with a harsh thud. Suddenly a third figure rushed out from the shadows, intercepting the boy, standing out in front of him. He was a man of huge stature, seeming to tower over the rest of them.
“You'll get away from my boy.” the man growled, his beady eyes hard and narrow, and his pudgy face red with rage. This was the one they called Red Raddison. Levi's father, and the town's local Blacksmith.
“Out of the way, Raddison” Mr Tarem shouted, “Don't try to defend the boy, he knows what he's done wrong. He'll be hearing from Lord Dersinna before this is over.”
“I said you'll get away from my boy.” Raddison shouted once again, “Unless you'd like to settle things out with me.”
“Don't you defend that filthy rogue.” Mr. Tarem growled, taking a step forward, “Have some honor for once Red.”
“That rogue is my son.”
“And it amazes me you'll still call him that after...”
“Gentlemen, please.” Mr. Watres stepped forward now, his eyes forgiving. He looked to Mr. Tarem, “I understand what you're trying to do, and I thank you. But I'm not about to condemn a boy to death for trespassing. No one was hurt, no one died. This doesn't have to end in tears.”
All of a sudden Levi looked away, his eyes going even wider than they had been. He looked terrified; shaken after all that happened. Wyatt could relate, he was starting to feel a bit ill, and could barely stand up straight. Somehow, the terror seemed uncharacteristic on Levi's face, though. It was out of proportion, as if he'd seen a ghost or some phantom off in the distance, for his eyes were fixed on one spot on the horizon, his pale form shivering with fear and awe.
“What's the matter with you, boy?” Raddison snapped at his son, but the boy didn't dare look over. He barely even acknowledged the man's words.
Instead, he raised a shaking hand, and pointed with trembling fingers off into the horizon. At once all eyes followed the boy's pointing finger, and looked to the horizon as a giant plume of smoke rose above the trees. The tower of black soot seemed to float up into the dark sky in waves, but that wasn't what shook every man and boy in that crowd. What did was the tall, once grand tower that stood at the base of it. At that moment, the group of Matrian men all at once wittnessed a sight they'd never thought they'd see in a thousand lifetimes. The Grand Castle Matria was in flames.
Wyatt felt his entire body give a shudder as he wavered on his feet. Images of the two strange men from the forest entered his mind. They had been headed towards Matria Castle, hadn't they? Was that the way to Matria Castle. Wyatt couldn't be sure. His head throbbed, sending a jolt through his spine. He opened his mouth to speak, to tell someone about the men he'd seen, but at once he found that the words wouldn't come, he couldn't speak. He gave a slight gasp as his legs gave out from beneath him, but he never felt himself hit the ground.
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
It was an otherwise still and quiet night. A strange, peaceful, calm feeling drifted over the castle, veiling the walls with a perpetual silence. No one could have honestly guessed that such a peaceful night could usher on such chaos. At only a bit past midnight there was a loud bang that could be heard for miles around. In a time of peace the attack took everyone by surprise. No one quite knew what to expect when out of the debris and smoke five figures drifted into the castle walls. There were only five, no more, no less, unarmed, not a plate of mail on a single one of them. They held small, shabby looking weapons, and each was as gangly looking as the next, and the most skeletal and gangly of them all stood at the front of the group, a satisfied smirk on his face.
That smirk only wavered once as his enemies came into view from behind the veil of smoke. The small ragtag band was outnumbered terribly. An entire battalion, one hundred men strong met them head on, armored, shielded, all trained in combat and armed with the finest weaponry that gold could purchase. In front of them stood a general clad in gilded armor, one of the king's finest men. He was a middle aged man with a firm, shaven chin and piercing eyes, his stature looming above all of the invaders at once. Still, the man at the front of that small band of men seemed unafraid, almost belligerent.
With a casual bounce in his stride he approached the man, his sword remaining sheathed at his belt, and his sunken, sickly eyes met with the general's as he approached.
“Halt!” the general drew his sword, “What... what business you do have here? Speak!”
The man only smiled more, his eyes unnaturally calm. The general recoiled taking a step back as the man approached.
“State your business now, or we will be forced to attack.” the general said again, “Halt! Stop there, in the name of his majesty.”
The young man again paid no heed. At last he grew close enough to reach out to the man, and at once dropped to one knee as if in honor or reverence. The general stepped back, startled.
“What is the meaning of this?” the general cried both growing flustered and annoyed, “What is your business here? Speak!”
Strangely enough the young man did seem to be speaking. His lips moved slowly, and his voice was low. Even so, he didn't seem to be speaking in any language that they could understand.
“Stand, or we will be forced to fight!” the general insisted, “At least speak your name, your kingdom, where do you hail from? What brings you here?”
At this the young man looked up, a glint in his eyes and a chilling smile once more on his lips. At that he stood, his skeletal form seeming to tower above the general as he drew himself up, his dark, limp hair falling around him like tattered shawl.
“They call me, Ratio.” the young man said taking another step forwards, “It's a pleasure, to make your acquaintance.”
With that he thrust a hand out letting his fingers stop inches away from the general's chest. All at once the general gave a start. He staggered back, his eyes growing wide and his face growing pale. His hands flew to his chest, and he gave a weak gasp, his legs giving out from under him as he fell to the ground, blood trickling from his mouth.
For a second there was silence in the room. Fear seemed to wash over the room like a dark cloud stunning all the soldiers in the room dead, and the one called Ratio only stood and smiled.
“Open fire!” one of the soldiers at last gave a cry, and at once a shower of arrows rained down upon the five figures. A flurry of swords were drawn and all rushed upon the five figures that stood in the middle of the room, closing quickly around their leader first.
For a second he was there, standing motionless at the middle of the crowd, and in the next he was gone, and had reappeared behind him, his red cloaks swirling around him. A flurry of fire rained down upon the men, melting armor and crippling swords, clinging to flesh mercilessly. All at once there came a cracking sound like a bolt of lightning from behind, and a cloud of dark suffocating smoke enveloped the battalion, slowly sucking the life from their limbs and the drive from their minds.
All at once a second shower of arrows came from the balcony. A group of the remaining troops had assembled, all armed with bows, and a third row of infantry had filed in behind them, closing off any route of escape they may have had. For a split second fear flashed over the face of the group's leader, his confident stance faltering for only a second. He drew his small sword, with a flourish, the blade glistening with a light. He cut the air with his weapon, and sent a streak of white light towards the second battalion. About ten men fell from the single cut, sheared in two from the force of the blow.
The young man stood back, looking satisfied with his work as another one of his team, a young man clad all in white, rushed in like a flash, both out maneuvering and out fighting about five men at once. A young woman clad in black had released a second cloud of smoke, and at the same time, a long gaping shadow ran from her feet, curling at the ankles of unsuspecting soldiers and dragging them down into the abyss below. The two others, a young man in burgundy and a young woman clad in green stood side by side, unleashing bolts of lightning and streaks of fire around them.
Against individual men, the five strangers seemed to have no match, but despite their efforts, the blows kept coming. An arrow shot out and struck the burgundy clad one in the shoulder. The one clad in green turned to him, when a swordsman intercepted her. She only managed to raise her own blade in time to spare her own life. A group of soldiers worked the white clad one into a corner, while the one clad in black was subdued by the sword. The smirk was gone from the leader's face, replaced with a solemn, worried look.
“Quickly, now.” the leader mage cried, “We'll stall here for now. Seven, you know what we're here for. Retrieve it!” the one in white cloaks nodded, and almost immediately he was gone.
Out of the crowd one, brave looking young man with a sweat stained face broke from the crowd, his sword raised high though part of his face was singed badly. Ratio brought his own blade up just in time to intercept the blow. The young man's sword fell away in two pieces as Ratio's blade sheered through it, but his victory was short lived. The twang of arrows only just reached his ears, and a second later, a sharp burst of pain exploded in his back. He gave a cry, collapsing to the ground.
A smirk crossed the young man's face as he approached the stranger, grabbing a small side arm from his belt, a little dagger. He raised it high, a look of triumph on his singed features. Just before the blow struck, Ratio's head shot up, a determined glare in his eyes, that lingered as he summoned up a great burst of energy and knocked the boy away.
A great surge of heat and light seemed to swirl about the stranger now as he stood, his cloaks billowing with as the heat wafted around him. All at once the stone floor seemed to ripple like water, and up from below came a giant taloned hand. A surge of heat and light came from the terrible portal, as the horned specter of a beast with a wolf's head rose from the depths below. A wave of heat reduced any men within a few feet of the creature to ash, and a swipe of the beast's great paws killed any man it touched on contact. The young cloaked man stood behind the beast, watching the destruction it wreaked with a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his lips, his arms stretched out as if in testament to his control, his power.
“By the gods...” there were a couple of cries.
“What in the name of all that is good is that thing?”
Even the men on Ratio's side seemed confused, scared, a little worried.
“By the gods, what have you done?” the one clad in black asked.
“Don't worry about what I've done.”
“You're insane.” the girl breathed, “Ye gods, we must... we must flee while we can. We can't pursue this...”
“This is our only chance.” the man said, a desperate look on his face, “Just stick to the task at hand. Don't question. This is under control.”
“There may be another battalion, this might be our only chance to escape with our lives.” she cried “There are too many of them. This isn't how you said it would be.”
“Ah, and we'll take them on all the same.” Ratio shouted, “I'll take on an army, no, the world if I must!”
All at once the young man faltered on his feet. He sank to his knees, and as he did, the giant monster he'd brought forth crumbled into ash before him, falling dormant at his feet. A look of horror and fear crossed the young man's face.
“Come on, we must leave.” the man in white appeared in a flash once more, He hoisted his leader to his feet, and then turned to the rest of the group, “Run! The rest of you go ahead. We won't be far behind!”
The young woman's eyes seemed to contract with fear, but at length she nodded, joining her two other companions. The white clad man grunted, hoisting his leader's arm over his shoulder and pulling a long beaded chain from his belt. He twisted his fingers about the small thing, chanting softly.
“Why haven't you gone ahead?” the leader asked, “You shouldn't linger.”
“I'm saving you.”
“I don't require your assistance.”
“You can barely stand.”
“You could be saving yourself.”
“I know.” the white clad man looked up, his eyes going hard as he locked eyes with another archer, taking aim, “But today, I'll save us both.”
“Seven...”
The man in white looked up, “Yes?”
“Did you get it?”
A smile worked its way across the one named Seven's face.
“As a matter of fact.” he said, drawing the intricate, leather binding of an ancient looking book from the folds of his cloaks, “I did.”
There was a bright flash just as the twang of an arrow leaving a bow rang out. A second later the shaft clattered to the floor uselessly flying right through its fatal mark. The marksman stepped back, his eyes going wide and his breath growing short. He staggered back a few steps, his mind unable to wrap itself around what he'd just witnessed. At last a word reached his mind. A mind boggling word that seemed to chill his soul and ensnare his mind as he whispered it through trembling lips.
“Magic”
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Posted: Mon Jul 26, 2010 7:54 pm
Okay, I'll definitely get started on this tomorrow! <3 I'm looking forward to it~ I'm just sort of busy this week, and slow by default, so please give me some time. =)
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Posted: Tue Jul 27, 2010 4:00 pm
Alright, it's all good. =3 I'll post around a bit here too. Looks like a neat forum. =D
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Posted: Tue Jul 27, 2010 4:10 pm
Yeah, mostly (this week) it's been Char, me, and Jellybean working between the top four threads. XD (I'll see if I can redirect them to yours, maybe to supplement my lazy?) I'm working on reading Therizinosaurus' right now, and she says hi!
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Posted: Tue Jul 27, 2010 4:54 pm
XD Well, that's cool. I'm not that great on really fast forums. I like ones that I can walk away from and know that I won't be lost when I come back. =3
Ohh, and tell Therizinosaurus I said Hi back! =D
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Posted: Tue Jul 27, 2010 4:58 pm
It used to be that way--and then Jellybean Disaster came along. True to her name, our pace was destroyed. XD
I am so trying to get her to come over and party with us~
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Posted: Tue Jul 27, 2010 5:38 pm
Haha! Well, it's always good to have some stuff happening. =3
You definitely should get her over here. That'd be awesome! =D
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Posted: Thu Jul 29, 2010 8:58 am
Hey, just wanted you to know that I'm part way through, and I'm really liking it so far! heart 3nodding
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Posted: Thu Jul 29, 2010 10:16 am
Okay! Chapter 1 - (through the first post)
"and the dim light of a candle, was the only light for miles" The comma is unnecessary.
I like your wording in this first paragraph! Love the imagery. =3
"and flipped" An extra space there, and the sentence becomes something of a run-on with this addition. The change of tense is a bit awkward and the clause starting at 'flipped' would be better suited to its own sentence, instead of being tacked on.
OH my goodness, I absolutely love your imagery! To steal Jellybean's descriptor: It's just so lush.
He uses Nadie instead of Nadia at the beginning of the letter. 'Nadie' means 'no one', so, um, yeah. XD I can't believe he spelled her NAME wrong! It's cute and sad all at once. I like Wyatt already! D'aww, I want to hug him, even if he doesn't like it.
A bit redundant with the following paragraphs. Could stand to chop them down a bit. Example: "She'd be a woman now, no longer the child he'd last seen her as. She would probably be married by now, perhaps with children." The second sentence merely rehashes the first; it would probably be better to drop the first and keep only the second, since the first is rather telly.
'Course' should be 'coarse'.
"At last Wyatt felt himself beginning to drift off. Sleep was beginning to catch him away and allow him to rest at last." These two are definitely the same thing reworded.
Oh noes! Thieves!
A lot of telling in here. Most is of the bad kind, and I'm sure Wyatt's feelings could be portrayed a little better than just saying them.
I can assume he does know them, since he knows their names.
...This 'are we being followed' exchange is funny. XD
This isn't going to end well. I just know it. XD
Ouch. Fail. I almost facepalmed there.
Levi's 'you'll throw us out' speech sounds a little stilted.
I think this could be cut down a little--action scenes are best done with short, to the point sentences. This is starting to drag.
I knew it. Wyatt NOOOOO!
This is INTENSE. 8U *sits quietly*
God, Wyatt, they're trying to KILL you. You're going to have to cut them up or SOMETHING!
ZOmigaH the INTENSITY
Oh my. That last part was awesome. I was actually really eager through it. You've got a nice style, really good imagery, and I honestly felt a sense of danger there. That said, there were some pacing problems at first--a bit too much detail where it wasn't necessary. A good bit of telling, as well, not always good--it's usually best to avoid. Some lines, like Wyatt's thoughts, sound a bit out of place, perhaps because a few aren't italicized. The very last line, for example, isn't really necessary to say, if he just runs into it.
Overall--zomg reading more~ I really like your voice. =3
Edit: Also I totally edited a space between Brotherhood and of in your title. It was KILLING me. If you don't want the space, well, MOD POWERS ACTIVATE. 8U
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Posted: Thu Jul 29, 2010 3:52 pm
I made an awesom post and gaia crapped out. FUUUUU-
Anyway, hi everyone!
I'm gonna rehash what Reed said basically. You've got a good voice, write some pretty intense action scenes, and have some good imagery going o here. Definitely feeling the tension here, which is really great.
There's a few issues with telling vs showing. For example: when you explained Nadia was literate. Most people will assume that if they're being written a letter.
This might be my personal preference, but I felt things might be too fast paced for a first chapter. There's so much going on that it's hard to tell what's the big issue right off.
But overall a very enjoyabe first chapter. Keep it up.
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Posted: Thu Jul 29, 2010 8:20 pm
=D Thanks so much you guys. I'm so glad to get your feedback, first of all. I've been really nervous about this chapter.
One of the things I struggled with in the beginning was that I thought the beginning was too slow. It really dragged the first time I wrote it, and I wanted to make it interesting, but now I'm afraid that just throwing the reader into the action is going to make the pace seem a little too rushed, like Therizinosaurus said.
Awwright, now it's time to bust out the revisions *cracks knuckles*
It's weird how much you miss when you're writing out drafts. A lot of things sound really good in your head and when you read them again they just really... aren't. XD I guess I have a lot of cuts to make *gets out scissors*
Nadie is Nadia's nickname, kind of like a child's name. Maybe I didn't make that clear enough. =P Actually I kind of like the idea of having him misspell her name XD That'd be cute.
I was kind of worried that Levi/Dalton's intentions wouldn't be very clear in this chapter. I'm still not really satisfied with the way they turned out, but they make a lot more sense than they did before. Oh, and thanks for editing the title. xD I Honestly didn't notice I was missing a space, but no, I'm glad you put it in. I would have realized like a week later and went: "Aww crap!"
Anyway, I'm glad you liked. Will be editing soon. I downloaded that yWriter thing that you or somebody posted on this forum. Hehe, it's so much fun. It makes me kind of excited. =3
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Posted: Thu Jul 29, 2010 8:27 pm
I'm not through the second post yet! crying I'm SO SLOW! XD
Oooh, I'd forgotten about yWriter... Maybe I'll download it... I recall being extremely excited!
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Posted: Thu Jul 29, 2010 8:31 pm
Ah, that's fine. =3 Take your time, I'm a really slow reader too. (It takes me a long time to read everything. I get distracted really easily.)
yWriter is so much fun. It is really exciting. XDD First thing I did was I went and put in all of my characters, locations, and themes (and chapters). Oh it's so cool. Keeps track of all of your points of views, each chapter and its contents. My GOD this thing is so cool. XD
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Posted: Thu Jul 29, 2010 8:33 pm
It wasn't so much rushed. I know I personally like starting in an action to get readers involved. There's just so much at once. First you start off with emotional tension with the letter,which was a good start (I like the idea of him misspelling her name), the you got the breaking in, then the chase, then those guys in the woods, than an epic showdown, then a little bit of a calm down then wham-o castle's on fire and it just got real.
But this is a very solid first draft, all things considered. I'm intersted to know what's going on.
Edit: I just remembered I really appreciated you didn't just make literarcy a common thing in a high-fantasy story like yours. THANK YOU!
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