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 Posted: Mon Jul 26, 2010 3:48 pm
The night was cold and crisp. Silence was everywhere; no alleyway could escape it. There it was, the light footsteps of the girl running. My breath hovered before my mouth as I ran after her.
Suddenly the footsteps stopped, she'd come to a dead end. She trembles in the corner. Fool, how dare she think that she can hide from me! I am a force of nature that cannot be stopped.
I walk up to her, eclipsing her body in my shadow. She begs and pleads before me. Her whimpers drive me forward. Her fear is intoxicating.
“Pleading is of no use. You cannot stop me from my greatest desire, to see the life seep out of your eyes,” my voice seems loud compared to her silent sobs, though I’m positive that I’ve spoken just barely above a whisper.
Her frame shakes as I begin to speak once more. She knows that an interruption will only quicken her fate. “Nobody will know the fear that you have faced. They will only see your body drained of blood from the slits they will find on your wrists. Suicide, your friends and family will be shocked wondering what had caused you to take your life. And I, I will roam free to rid the streets of young girls such as yourself. What are you, sixteen? Maybe my next victim should be a little younger.”
She shuddered, turning her face from my gaze.
“Any last requests, girl? You only have one, think wisely.”
She turned her eyes to mine and there I saw a spark of resignation. “Answer me one question.”
“Yes?” I know the sound of satisfaction comes through.
“What is your name?”
Such an odd question she has just asked of me. Most beg for their life. Oh well, I see no harm.
“Jack.”
“Good, then I can save you a place.”
“A place? A place where?”
“A place in hell.” With that she reached forward, grabbed my dagger, and slit her own wrists. Anger flooded my veins. I had worked so hard, yet I would not be the one to end her life. Even in death her eyes mocked me.
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Posted: Sat Aug 28, 2010 2:23 pm
I read this once a while ago but didn't think of anything to write at the time: specially because it's a very short piece, there wasn't much in my mind to point out without being excessive about it. The one thing I would have mentioned alone was that I think you can make the ending stronger; even by adding something like a comma after "Even in death," you could make it a bit more...dramatic, but not overly so.
However, I did want to say this: I love the idea of this piece. I remembered it even after I'd read it. I think the short style makes it a lot easier to have an idea stand out that much.
Good job.
♥
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Posted: Fri Sep 24, 2010 8:05 pm
Chigotsa I read this once a while ago but didn't think of anything to write at the time: specially because it's a very short piece, there wasn't much in my mind to point out without being excessive about it. The one thing I would have mentioned alone was that I think you can make the ending stronger; even by adding something like a comma after "Even in death," you could make it a bit more...dramatic, but not overly so. However, I did want to say this: I love the idea of this piece. I remembered it even after I'd read it. I think the short style makes it a lot easier to have an idea stand out that much. Good job. ♥ Thanks, and I'll definitely look into adding that comma.
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Posted: Sat Sep 25, 2010 4:57 pm
I love this. In fact, I like this so much that I think it's too short. I don't suppose you're considering doing more with this?
Please do. I wouldn't consider making this section your beginning, though. I'd put this somewhere toward the middle.
Nice job.
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Posted: Thu Sep 30, 2010 3:29 pm
Aloysia Bloodfur I love this. In fact, I like this so much that I think it's too short. I don't suppose you're considering doing more with this?
Please do. I wouldn't consider making this section your beginning, though. I'd put this somewhere toward the middle.
Nice job. Yeah, this is just a short blurb that I wrote for my Creative Writing class for Halloween last year. I might start adding on to it though. Thanks for compliment.
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