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SamuraigirlAlex

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 25, 2010 12:34 am


Alex never did like vampires. She was always frightened that one would suck her blood dry. But it never stopped her from being friends with Ian and Loui. She always loved going to Barton Boutique and looking at everything. One day she walked in. "Hey Rufus what's up?" she asked. He layed there with a flower pulling petals off and mumbling like a drunken idiot.
She walked over to the cat. One wiff of the air and she knew.
"Where's Ian?" she asked. There was catnip in the air ,most people wouldn't smell it ,but most people wren't born like Alex. She was born ill. The doctors said there was a low chance she'd live. Her heart was failing and her lungs weren't recieving the right amount of oxygen. She almost died ,but her parents believed she would live. It was the third day after birth when the doctors were given a surprise. Alex was breathing normal her heart beating perfect. But her hair went from brown to black. Her brown eyes now green. What could've done this?
Turns out no one ever found out and most likely never will.
Rufus layed there and looked up at Alex.
"He went through the magical door of wonders and hopped on a rainbow all the way to Gambino Outfitters! He said he went to so the princess of uincorns Sasha!" he said.
'The catnip definately got to him.' she thought.
"Rufus don't hurt yourself I'm going to go get Ian." she said.
"Alrighty beautiful angle of Gaia." he said.
She sighed before putting the closed sign up and going out the door.
She hid by a tree and watched Ian talking to Sasha.
"So are you sure he likes you?" Ian asked.
"Yes I'm sure Gino does. Okay ,but maybe if Liam would stop coming here or around me maybe I'd give Gino a chance. Ian you should really get back to your shop." Sasha said before going into her store and slamming the door in Ians face.
'I cab't believe her! She did not just act like a total ***** to Ian!' Alex thought.
Ian walked off and was about to pass where she was hiding. Right as he passed her Alex tapped his shoulder.
He turned around looking like he was gonna get murdered.
"Cool it Ian it's just me." she said.
"Sorry Alex you scared me there. What are you doing here?" he asked.
"Because I found a very high cat laying on your desk saying some pretty wierd stuff." she said.
Ian looked down.
"Why'd you give Rufus catnip? You know how much it effects him." she asked.
"Because I knew he'd start yelling and probably call you, or Edmund that I was going to talk to Sasha." he said.
"So you thought catnip would keep him quiet. Well he told me where you went." she said.
Ian smiled faintly trying to get out of trouble.
Alex just shook her head and laughed.
"Man you're an idiot Ian." she said.
"Not as much of an idiot as Liam is." he said.
"Yeah he's about as smart as a pansie!" she laughed.
She looked over at Ian and noticed he was blushing.
She blushed at seeing this.
Then all of a sudden something jumps out and attacks Ian.
It's-!
To be continued.  
PostPosted: Tue Aug 10, 2010 2:56 pm


Some criticisms here.

The humor is very out of character and it's unlikely Rufus would ever become "high" on catnip, let alone touch it in the beggining. Also, Ian's reactions are very out of place. I don't know if you've noticed this but the tense changes. At first it was in the past tense- "She laughed", etc- and then it becomes present tense "Something jumps out".

The backstory of the "you" character is very reminiscent of a Mary Sue. If you are unaware of what a Mary Sue is, I'll give you a quick recap- a character that is perfect in every way, often with an overly dramatic and tragic backstory.

Your character Alex has the very sad, heart-wrenching backstory of "She was born ill. The doctors said there was a low chance she'd live. Her heart was failing and her lungs weren't recieving the right amount of oxygen. She almost died ,but her parents believed she would live. It was the third day after birth when the doctors were given a surprise. Alex was breathing normal her heart beating perfect". This makes your character look amazingly lucky and as a result extremely special; the first sign of a Mary Sue is making them amazingly special or lucky in the first place.

Then you say that, as if by magic, "her hair went from brown to black. Her brown eyes now green". Black hair by itself is rare, and so is green eyes. Put the two together and the minority is shocking. Your character gained these suddenly from her tragic illness. It's unrealistic and gives her a stereotypical "Gothic" look, as a result setting her up to be Ian's "dream girl", as it's another Twilight-esque stereotype that the broody Goth gets the broody Vampire.

Then there's the finale with all the blushing. I take it you're an anime fan, as blushing between mutual crushes has been done so many times to the point of abuse.

Just some things for you to think about if you continue this story.

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SamuraigirlAlex

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 17, 2010 2:55 am


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Some criticisms here.

The humor is very out of character and it's unlikely Rufus would ever become "high" on catnip, let alone touch it in the beggining. Also, Ian's reactions are very out of place. I don't know if you've noticed this but the tense changes. At first it was in the past tense- "She laughed", etc- and then it becomes present tense "Something jumps out".

The backstory of the "you" character is very reminiscent of a Mary Sue. If you are unaware of what a Mary Sue is, I'll give you a quick recap- a character that is perfect in every way, often with an overly dramatic and tragic backstory.

Your character Alex has the very sad, heart-wrenching backstory of "She was born ill. The doctors said there was a low chance she'd live. Her heart was failing and her lungs weren't recieving the right amount of oxygen. She almost died ,but her parents believed she would live. It was the third day after birth when the doctors were given a surprise. Alex was breathing normal her heart beating perfect". This makes your character look amazingly lucky and as a result extremely special; the first sign of a Mary Sue is making them amazingly special or lucky in the first place.

Then you say that, as if by magic, "her hair went from brown to black. Her brown eyes now green". Black hair by itself is rare, and so is green eyes. Put the two together and the minority is shocking. Your character gained these suddenly from her tragic illness. It's unrealistic and gives her a stereotypical "Gothic" look, as a result setting her up to be Ian's "dream girl", as it's another Twilight-esque stereotype that the broody Goth gets the broody Vampire.

Then there's the finale with all the blushing. I take it you're an anime fan, as blushing between mutual crushes has been done so many times to the point of abuse.

Just some things for you to think about if you continue this story.

Umm I'm not sure if that was a compliment. Alex actually isn't goth. I'm not trying to make it anything like Twilight, I wrote that Rufus got high on it because I wanted to put him in the story. I'm sorry about how I wrote it in past and present I'll have to try to stop doing that.Would it help if I described her clothing?
PostPosted: Mon Oct 04, 2010 1:08 pm


SamuraigirlAlex

Umm I'm not sure if that was a compliment. Alex actually isn't goth. I'm not trying to make it anything like Twilight, I wrote that Rufus got high on it because I wanted to put him in the story. I'm sorry about how I wrote it in past and present I'll have to try to stop doing that.Would it help if I described her clothing?


It wasn't; it was constructive criticism. Seriously, describing the clothing isn't going to help with the character at all. See, she's already a Mary Sue to begin with. You've not actually taken in what I've said, so reread my first comment and then read your story.

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