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 Posted: Thu Jul 22, 2010 9:31 pm
Lela had always wanted children. She loved the very thought of waking up to the pitter patter of little paws, loved the idea of being squashed up with her babies to sleep, loved the feel she would get from licking them clean, feeding them, caring for them, loving them... Lela wanted children. It was hard on her that she was still so very alone. Yet, she couldn't stop the thoughts that pushed her to be so solitary. It was almost like her own ways were out to get her, to put a stop to her happiness.
She was sure it wasn't good for her, but she had taken to spending long, lonely nights staring up at the moon and wondering why she had ended up this way. Without a loving mate and without a litter of cubs. On this particular night, she was doing what she always did now. She was sitting back on her haunches, her tail wrapped protectively around herself, staring longingly at the moon and all the stars around it. If the moon was allowed to have stars to keep for company, why wasn't she allowed her own stars?
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Posted: Fri Jul 23, 2010 10:31 am
The times Thoth was alone were usually like this, while he was on patrol. And, also like now, they rarely lasted as he sought out the company of the other guards on patrol at least sporadically throughout the day or night. When he could manage it, anyway.
He wasn't expecting to run into anybody but Badiri that night, and when he spotted the priestess sitting out on her own, he was a little bit surprised. She obviously hadn't noticed him, she was busy staring up at the sky.. but he still felt the desire to go and chat with her. He could pretend it was his job to remind others not to wander too far away, to wonder what they were up to.. but part of him was really just curious. He hadn't really spoken to Lela since his cubs all had to go through their initiation. He'd been so worried when Amalthea woke last and late, he hadn't even spoken to her afterward, occupied with his distressed daughter.
All that would stop him was the respect her class and rank demanded, but he didn't see much harm in at least saying hi. So he kept on walking closer until he was near enough to be heard.
"Hello," he said casually, still moving- though slower- in case she didn't actually want to chat. He did have somewhere to go tonight, eventually.
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Posted: Fri Jul 23, 2010 11:05 am
Lela sighed lightly. She liked how a quiet night like this one gave her time to run away with her own thoughts. The only problem, though, was that lately her thoughts worried her. It worried her that she wanted to be alone so much. It almost contradicted the family life she craved. Maybe she should arrange to visit her brother. She had been guarding her feelings about his happiness and her self imposed solitary lifestyle. Maybe it was time to share these thoughts with someone. She couldn't think of anyone she was close enough to do that with but her sibling. There was a time when she was a more social creature, when she had friends in the pride whom she was concerned with and they were concerned with her. Over time, though, she'd slowly been loosening ties with them, letting them move on in their lives and letting her move no where fast.
Her mind was wrapped up so tightly in her swirling thoughts that she almost hadn't noticed a lion approach. Being so far from the others wasn't very wise this late at night, but then again, when wasn't it late night? She was hardly ever awake during the day. The most sunshine she saw was usually sunrise and sunset. So, she'd gotten used to trying to watch out for herself when she wasn't near any guards. She knew it wasn't really the safest way to live, but it was working so far.
When Thoth was close enough that she could hear the gentle thud of his paws, she flicked an ear, coming back to reality from her self-absorbed thought process. His casual greeting made her turn her gaze from the sky to him, almost a little startled. "Oh, hello. It's only you." She tried a smile but it turned out to be less than a half smile. So much for an attempt at friendliness. "How goes the patrol?" She was unsure if she wanted him to go into much detail. She preferred to be alone, but sometimes it was nicer to have a little company. And, in the interest of safety...
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Posted: Fri Jul 23, 2010 11:45 am
Thoth came to a complete stop at the greeting he got, it was only him- there were plenty of others it could have been, someone dangerous (except that he was heading out from the central pride lands so that seemed unlikely) or someone she was waiting for, which seemed a tad more likely. It would be impossible to keep up with the entirety of the pride and the things they did. So he brushed off the potentially disappointing greeting and smiled, even despite her half-smile.
"Are you waiting for somebody?" he asked curiously, daringly, "Patrol is going very well, nothing much to report so far tonight." He smiled.
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Posted: Fri Jul 23, 2010 1:58 pm
She felt a tad bit bad about her greeting. After the words and reaction had come out, she quietly hoped that it wouldn't come off as... well, stand-offish. At least, a part of her hoped that. At this point in her life, Lela was a tangle of who she was. She was no longer sure if she longed for the company of others or for the solitude that she so often found now. The fact that he smiled back, though, seemed to mean that he didn't think she was on a mission to chase him away. She wasn't exactly sure how long he'd be here, and she honestly wasn't sure how long she wanted him to stay, but for now things seemed alright. Or at least, polite.
"Oh, no." Did she seem like she was waiting for someone? She quickly glanced around them, then looked back at Thoth. Maybe he had seen someone nearby? That was somewhat unsettling. Lela hadn't picked up any scents or heard any sounds until he showed up. Maybe she shouldn't be so far away from the others... "I was just... sitting." She looked at her paws awkwardly, not really wanting to delve into her life problems with the poor guard. She was sure he didn't want to get into it. "Sitting and watching the sky."
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Posted: Sat Jul 24, 2010 3:03 pm
It hadn't been that long since Thoth had seen Lela, but.. it hadn't been very recently, either, that the girls and Atlas had been officially places. However long it had been, she seemed very different.. especially from before those particular interactions when she wasn't working. Something just didn't seem right.
"Just sitting and watching the sky," he repeated quietly, looking up at the moon and then back down to her, still smiling- but trying to hide a look of concern behind it, "Is everything OK?"
Maybe it wasn't so odd but.. still.
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Posted: Sat Jul 24, 2010 6:55 pm
Lela looked away again, fidgeted her paws. Did she want to shoo him off? She could, very easily. She could say something mean, like he was out of line. But that wasn't really Lela. Don't get her wrong, she was proud of her lineage. She was proud of who she was, who she was related to, and her class. But she wasn't one to outrageously flaunt it. And Thoth only meant well with his question. And it'd been so long since she'd really talked to someone... But could she talk to him?
"Oh, sure, yes. I'm fine. Everything is OK." She swallowed and tried to meet his eyes confidently, but she was rapidly losing ground. Or at least, that's how she felt. She could feel the pressure up to her ears, shooting steam out the sides like she was about ready to burst from all the thoughts in her head. "OK. Maybe not. Maybe everything ISN'T okay! But y'know what, maybe I don't want it to be okay. Maybe I like to be alone. Maybe... maybe..." Her voice had gotten louder and louder, but finally stopped. "I..." She looked at Thoth, slowly regaining composure. "I'm sorry. I don't know where that came from." She cleared her throat and awkwardly stared at at some space next to Thoth's head, as opposed to in his eyes.
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Posted: Sat Jul 24, 2010 9:03 pm
Thoth was half-expecting some class-related reprimand in response to his prying questions but he did only have good intentions. Lela knew him, they were around the same age, they had grown up around the same times, he had trusted her with the information about his new family when he first returned home..
He met her eyes, looking neutral-concerned, almost able to just feel the hesitation in her voice. He was taken aback when suddenly she was shouting.. and he just stared at her, even when she pulled herself back together. He wasn't sure she was completely all right but he hadn't quite been expecting an outburst.
"Do- do you want to be left alone?" he asked hesitantly though he was suddenly more keen to stick around. They didn't have to chat, perhaps he could just.. sit around for a while. But he definitely couldn't if she specifically asked him to go away.
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Posted: Sat Jul 24, 2010 9:49 pm
Lela sniffled. She wasn't really sure how to completely recover from what had just happened. She shuffled her paws a little more, flexing and retracting her claws to buy herself time. "I don't know." She finally was able to muster out a simple sentence, though it was very quiet. If it hadn't been such a quiet night already, it might've been unheard.
After another awkward beat, she finally managed to look up at him, and look directly at his eyes. "I don't know anymore. I don't know if I want to be alone, or if I want to be around others, or if I want both." She let her eyes trail away, but this time it wasn't because she was scared to look at the other lion. She looked back up at the moon and sighed, relaxing her tense muscles. "Sometimes I think I'm losing myself. And sometimes I think I'm finding myself." She chuckled darkly. "Does that mean I don't know who I am?" She looked back at him with maybe just a hint of hope in her eyes, but mostly a storm of confusion and sadness.
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Posted: Sat Jul 24, 2010 10:04 pm
Her indecisive answer was sadder than the outburst and Thoth decidedly sat down right where he was. She didn't have to talk to him but he was around that way, he could spare a bit of time to keep a priestess company.. that was kind of part of the job, wasn't it? Keeping an eye on those who wandered too far from the central lands..
He met her gaze, frowning sympathetically at her as she went on. There were no easy answers for the things she asked him, he kept himself from wondering similar things by keeping himself near friends. His little family, however they had come to be his, were a blessing. They all were how he knew he didn't want to be alone, if he didn't have them he could easily imagine being in Lela's place.
"Nobody knows who you are better than you," he offered reassuringly, not sure how to proceed without risking offense, "You'd have to decide, you could wait forever for an opportunity that would decide for you." How long could one wait? How long had she been waiting?
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Posted: Sat Jul 24, 2010 10:27 pm
Lela couldn't help but feel a little relief that he was sitting down. She honestly STILL wasn't sure if she wanted him to spend too much more time here, but his standing had become somewhat unnerving. It made everything seem like it had to be done quickly before it all fell apart. The fact that he was sitting... It just seemed more casual. Less break down in the middle of the night, more two old friends, or at the very least acquaintances, talking.
"But I don't think I know right now." She paused to actually consider what he had said. "I'm not sure if I know who I am and I'm fighting it, or if I truly don't know." She lowered her gaze back to Thoth. "I feel like I'm lost." She half smiled. "And like I'm not making much sense."
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Posted: Thu Aug 19, 2010 10:26 am
"You're not making much sense," he responded honestly, but he was smiling at her. She was having some trouble, she was worrying about this kind of thing a little too much.. she had every right not to be making a whole lot of sense. And besides, acting like he understood perfectly could end just as badly so he went with the more genuine approach.
"Sounds like you're thinking too hard about it," he suggested carefully, pausing. Was there anything he could really do to fix that? She would have to consciously change things to make a difference, which meant more thinking. She wasn't really in any rank that could be bossed around, either.
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Posted: Thu Aug 19, 2010 6:51 pm
She half chuckled, but the emotion didn't reach her eyes. She apparently had a rambling habit. But what else could she do? She didn't have any idea how to express herself here. She had so little genuine social interaction these days she felt like she'd lost the ability to communicate. Anytime she ran into someone or was making an appearance at a pridal function, her greetings and smiles and words were auto-piloted. She was surprised she had already said so much to Thoth, though she was not at all surprised he was having trouble understanding her. Or at least he found her to not make much sense. Then again, she didn't feel like she fully understood herself, either. To Thoth's credit, he seemed to be keeping up with her.
"Maybe I am." She sighed, but this time it wasn't sad. She should take a break from thinking. She flicked her tail, becoming slightly annoyed with herself for dragging poor Thoth into all this. She was enjoying his company, though, somewhat to her surprise. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't ramble on like this. How are your little ones doing these days?" She smiled lightly. She was aware his adopted children weren't little anymore, but it was so hard to think of anyone's children as already adults. She often found herself thinking of her nieces and nephews as 'little', even though some of them had gone on and had their own babies.
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Posted: Thu Aug 19, 2010 9:00 pm
He nodded when she sighed, leaning a bit as he tried to read her reaction. She didn't seem so sad or panicked now and changing the subject was a good sign.. maybe. Either way, he was feeling more and more inclined to keep an eye on Lela now. Maybe he'd go talk to Unyezi, it was his sister, maybe he'd be able to help.
"They're all doing very well," he said, smiling at her, "Even Amalthea is getting better, more used to where she is.. but I'm not sure I'd say she's good yet." Poor Amalthea was fine but she wasn't really herself, not to anybody who knew what she was like before.
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Posted: Sun Aug 22, 2010 12:11 pm
Lela had a fondness for Thoth's cubs. Maybe she should have a chat with Amalthea. It might help her out, and honestly, it might help Lela out. She'd look into it later, though. For now, she'd just try to calm herself down. Maybe visit with her brother. Maybe even hunt down Thoth again in a couple nights. It helped to be alone and digest everything in your own time, but it also helped to talk. Or at least, it was helping her right now.
"I'm glad to hear it. I see them from time to time. I don't talk to them much, though." She didn't talk to anyone much, for that matter. "They're looking good. I hope you're proud." She smiled for real, that time. She couldn't imagine the satisfaction a parent must feel looking at their adult children, knowing they made it that far. She hoped to feel it one day.
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