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 Posted: Sun Jul 11, 2010 12:42 pm
Name:
Fredrick Wilson
Age:
He is around 247, but had stopped physically aging when he was 46. At that time he would have appeared to be in his mid-thirties except for how thin he was at that time. ((He is old, but looks 36ish.)))
Gender:
I have boy parts.
Appearance:
Fredrick has small eyes, with a brown iris. His nose is a big large and squished in appearance. His chin it rounded, but his jaw line is prominent. He has lost the gaunt look he had when he was still aging, but he is still a bit thin. It isn't obvious that he is thin, since he is a large man. He is muscular without having a body builder look. He stands at 6' 4" and weighs 173 lbs.
He is usually wearing a collared shirt and trousers, that fit in a way that he can move freely. On both hands he wears fingerless gloves with metal over the knuckles, and on the back and palm of the hand. His forearms each have a weapon strapped to them under the shirt, as well as is calves under his trousers.
Personality:
Fredrick doesn't go out of his way to expend effort, which even as an adult irritates his father. When escaping duties, if found, he will usually be playing a strategy game, or teaching children to play it. While he does still occasionally request a game with a family member, he usually seeks out guests with a preference to regular customers. He has a strong sense of hierarchy, and along with duty is surprisingly strict about it. Fred often uses relaxed parenting methods that upset his wife and father, but they have long since given up on expecting it to stop.
History:
Fred is part of the Wilson family, and therefore has always lived in Wilson Manor. He was raised to be a good heir to the Manor and its activities. The Manor is a place where wealth vampire families vacation and gamble. They gamble on the battles of lowly vampires in a ring.
Fred catered to guests and sat still for his studies when asked, but without instruction he would wander the manor grounds and be difficult to locate to request something of him. Growing up, one of his favorite pastime was playing strategy games with guests. Guests that returned every-so-often were his favorite because he could learn that person's style and counter it. Overall, he did well in his studies, apart form taking little interest in them.
Fredrick is now in charge of many aspects of the manor, but his father still oversees all activities. He has a wife, Patricia, and a daughter named Karianne. He hopes that one day his daughter will learn to sit still long enough to play a game of chess with her old man.
Combat experience:
A portion of his studies included some fighting techniques and quite a bit of muscle building. Strengthening his muscles before he stopped aging was important because once the aging process stops, so does the ability to grow muscle mass. It was mostly lean muscle, from repetition of labor chores and fighting practice. Another reason these skills were part of his lessons was that he would need to be able to sedate rowdy patrons and deal with the fighters. Apart from leaning, his experience is almost entirely that of a bouncer and referee. It takes a lot more skill that those careers would usually need, but it is effectively just that.
Other:
He's a vampire. For a description on how his 'type' works, click here. Fredrick is rarely without armored gloves, knifes, and a sedentary poison with something to inject it such as a dagger or syringe.
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Posted: Tue Jul 20, 2010 2:27 pm
Maybe you should space out your different ideas. I had a bit of a hard time reading it and processing it. Try organizing it into paragraphs or something of that sort.
If he's a vampire, then it seems odd he had so many weapons. It may just be your type, but the ones I know of (not Twilight) usually rely on vampire mind tricks and powers more than they do weaponry.
I liked how the personality was done. It was very original in the fact that he is so laid back. Your descriptions were all very well done. It was not over the top, but not lax either.
However, if he doesn't go out of his way to "expend effort" then why would he train to fight? Was it necessary for him? If so, why? I think you answered these two questions, but maybe you could elaborate a bit more on it.
Otherwise, great job. I look forward to seeing this guy in action.
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Posted: Tue Jul 20, 2010 3:13 pm
Frankly, I haven't read enough of vampires to have thought about mind tricks. sweatdrop I also liked the idea of how human they turned out to be, compared to what I expected. It seems to make sense for them being a predator of humans, but not likely to diminish their food supply to the extend that they die off. Okay, let's see if I can fix this up some.
Name:
Fredrick Wilson
Age:
He is around 247, but had stopped physically aging when he was 46. At that time he would have appeared to be in his mid-thirties except for how thin he was at that time. ((He is old, but looks 36ish.)))
Gender:
I have boy parts.
Appearance:
Fredrick has small eyes, each containing a brown iris. His nose is a bit large and squished in appearance. His chin is rounded, but his jaw line is prominent. He has lost the gaunt look he had when he was still aging, but he is still a bit thin. It isn't obvious that he is thin, due to his large stature. He is muscular without having a body builder appearance. He stands at 6' 4" and weighs 173 lbs.
He is usually wearing a collared shirt and trousers, that fit in a way that he can move freely. On both hands he wears fingerless gloves with metal over the knuckles, and on the back and palm of the hand. His forearms each have a weapon strapped to them under the shirt, as well as is calves under his trousers.
Personality:
Fredrick doesn't go out of his way to expend effort, which even as an adult irritates his father. When escaping duties, if found, he will usually be playing a strategy game, or teaching children to play it. While he does still occasionally request a game with a family member, he usually seeks out guests and has a preference to regular visitors to the manor. He has a strong sense of hierarchy, and along with duty is surprisingly strict about it. Fred often uses relaxed parenting methods that upset his wife and father, but they have long since given up on expecting it to stop.
History:
Fred is part of the Wilson family, and therefore has always lived in Wilson Manor. He was raised to be a good heir to the Manor and its activities. The Manor is a place where wealthy vampire families vacation and gamble. They gamble on the battles of lowly vampires in a ring or pit. Being a good heir entails, not only being capable of managing the business from the desk to finances, but also to be capable of breaking up riots or other trouble amongst the fighters or guests. Trouble is most simply dealt with using force or sedatives, but diplomacy, especially when attending to unruly guests, is sometimes imperative.
Fred catered to guests and sat still for his studies when asked, but without instruction he would wander the manor grounds and be difficult to locate to request something of him. Growing up, his favorite pastime was playing strategy games with guests. Guests that returned every-so-often were his favorite because he could learn that person's style and counter it. Overall, he did well in his studies, apart form taking little interest in them.
Fredrick is now in charge of many aspects of the manor, but his father still oversees all activities. He has a wife, Patricia, and a daughter named Karianne. He hopes that one day his daughter will learn to sit still long enough to play a game of chess with her old man.
Combat experience:
A portion of his studies included some fighting techniques and quite a bit of muscle building. Strengthening his muscles before he stopped aging was important because once the aging process stops, so does the ability to grow muscle mass. It was mostly lean muscle, from repetition of labor chores and fighting practice. Another reason these skills were part of his lessons was that he would need to be able to sedate rowdy patrons and deal with the fighters if any problems were to arise. Apart from learning, his experience is almost entirely that of a bouncer and referee. It takes a lot more skill that those careers would usually need, but it is effectively just that.
Learning, or more directly his games, have taught him well and in practical ways. For instance, if he has a reason to not just play around with his opponent, he is very capable of devising a strategy that would destroy an opponent in any way he choose. If someone was cocky about chess skill, he would take out enough of the opponent's pieces to break and demoralize him or her to the extent that the opponent would forfeit. At the manor this is most useful for diplomacy, by exchanging the pieces for carefully chosen words learned from his tutors.
Other:
He's a vampire. For a description on how his 'type' works, click here. Fredrick is rarely without armored gloves, knifes, and a sedentary poison with something to inject it such as a dagger or syringe.So, is it any better?
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Posted: Tue Jul 20, 2010 3:36 pm
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Posted: Wed Jul 21, 2010 9:10 pm
Thank you so much for your help!
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Posted: Thu Jul 22, 2010 6:16 pm
Somehow, I am not surprised that you wanted your own to be first at the firing line. I do have to give you credit for that. So let's get started.
Name:
Very generic, but not painfully so. As long as the name fits the culture, it isn't a problem.
Age:
This is a major issue, and I will explain why at the end.
Appearance:
Is he bald? Does he have long hair? Blonde, redhead, or blue? You have no information at all about his hair. And if your types of vampire can't grow new cells after they have been feeding on human blood then how did he lose his gaunt look? He would have needed to either grow new muscle tissue or fat tissue. You also spelled 'his' wrong in the very last line.
Personality:
So he likes strategy games, prefers new people over familiar ones, and is lazy but still strict about social status and duty. Is that all? The juiciest part, the conflict between his laziness and supposed strictness, is completely gone. It lacks any depth.
History:
You don't need the comma after entails. You missed the comma after desk. Should be 'to being' and not 'to be'. How are sedatives going to affect vampires if they are immune to disease? If their white blood cells can kill diseases, they can kill chemicals that act like diseases. Your biggest issue here, though, is that you tell us more about what he does at the manner then you do about his history. How was he turned and why? How did he meet his wife? Why did they choose to turn Karianne? Why does he use the weapons he does? Why has he chosen to help his 'father,' instead of rebelling against him? You have left so much out.
Combat Experience:
You have a lot of errors in the last sentence of your first paragraph here, and it might help to just rewrite it. Might choose, not just choose. And you still have that enormous flaw. While I do value consistency, you need to address it. It is the same flaw that causes the age error.
Other:
Again, if these vampires are immune to disease then poison won't do anything. Both kill cells, and both need to travel through the blood stream. If their hearts still pump, then you need to have some specific reason for why disease doesn't touch them but poison does.
I'm going to ignore the fact that you are using vampires, because you have created your own subgenre of them. So let's get down to that vital flaw. You said that these vampires can't create new cells. While this idea does have some merit, and thus great potential, it is currently killing your vampires. As bodies age, cells die. It's why hair and nails grow, and why our bodies heal. New cells are being born and are replacing the old ones. What I'm getting at, is that if the bodies of your vampires can't create new cells, then how do they still exist? Why aren't they rotting away? And why don't your vampires die when they give blood to someone else? If they can't grow new cells then how do they replace what they lose? It just doesn't add up. Another part of that is that you say that vampires are 'born' by giving blood to a stillborn. How is that possible? Stillborn babies are dead. Their bodies aren't functioning, so that vampire blood that goes into them can't circulate through their blood stream. They can't swallow it, either. And why would drinking vampire blood allow them to keep growing? What makes it so different from human blood?
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Posted: Fri Jul 23, 2010 12:48 pm
Wow, I can't believe I missed the cells thing with the gaunt to not piece! >_< I was thinking about him eating more, not about why eating changes appearance. I'm super-glad you caught that, it would be embarrassing!
Name:
Fredrick Wilson
Age:
He is around 247, but had stopped physically aging when he was 46. At that time he would have appeared to be in his mid-thirties except for how thin he was at that time. ((He is old, but looks 36ish.)))
Gender:
I have boy parts.
Appearance:
Fredrick, a vampire, has small eyes, each containing a brown iris. His nose is a bit large and squished in appearance. His chin is rounded, but his jaw line is prominent. He is a bit thin, but not quite gaunt. It isn't obvious that he is thin, due to his large stature. He is muscular without having a body builder appearance. He stands at 6' 4" and weighs 173 lbs, topped with a mop of medium-brown hair, just long enough to cover the tips of his ears.
He is usually wearing a collared shirt and trousers, that fit in a way that he can move freely. On both hands he wears fingerless gloves with metal over the knuckles, and on the back and palm of the hand. His forearms each have a weapon strapped to them under the shirt, as well as his calves under his trousers.
Personality:
Fredrick doesn't go out of his way to expend effort, which even as an adult irritates his father. When escaping duties, if found, he will usually be playing a strategy game, or teaching children to play it. While he does still occasionally request a game with a family member, he usually seeks out guests and has a preference to regular visitors to the manor. He takes pleasure in solving puzzles, and the most practical ones he gets to deal with tend to be disputes; they aren't his favorite, but they are part of his job and still difficult puzzles. Although he isn't fond of doing more than needed, he knows the line well and will make sure to get what is needed completed. Fred often uses relaxed parenting methods that upset his wife and father, but they have long since given up on expecting it to stop.
History:
Fred is part of the Wilson family, and therefore has always lived in Wilson Manor. He was raised to be a suitable heir to the Manor and its activities, and never considered not doing so. The Manor is a place where wealthy vampire families vacation and gamble on fights. His studies to make him into a good heir taught him how to manage the business from the desk, to finances, and his training taught him the skills needed to be capable of breaking up riots or other trouble amongst the fighters or guests. Trouble is most simply dealt with using force or sedatives, but diplomacy, especially when attending to unruly guests, is sometimes imperative.
As a child, Fred catered to guests and sat still for his studies when asked, but without instruction he would wander the manor grounds, making it difficult to locate and request something of him. He did well in his studies, apart from seeming to take little interest in them. Then and still, his favorite pastime is playing strategy games with guests. Guests that returned every-so-often were his favorite because he could learn that person's style and counter it. There was one family, with two children, that visited about 6 times a year, for a long weekend each time. It was put to little Fred to entertain and watch the girl and boy. It took quite some years before the three could get along without a fight or argument at least once in the weekend.
However, as the three settled down the siblings found themselves closer, and even looking forward to their weekends at the Manor. Fredrick became a lot more willing to greet them and to spend the weekend escorting them and keeping the group out of trouble. Patricia and her brother Daniel weren't fond of the games Fredrick preferred, but they found their own games for just the three of them. With time these three became great friends. They grew up together, and when it was time to be adults Fredrick asked Patricia to marry him, and Daniel to be his best man.
Patricia moved into the Manor, and began helping out. As the two became even closer, and spent more time together, they both began to realize that they were taking quite a bit of interest in the children. It started as an off-hand comment, and evolved into planning and culminated in Karianne, their daughter. Just like the two parents, their daughter was considered a 'pure' vampire, by being a turned still-born.
Fredrick is now in charge of many aspects of the manor, but his father still oversees all activities. He has a wife, Patricia, and a daughter named Karianne. He hopes that one day his daughter will learn to sit still long enough to play a game of chess with her old man.
Combat experience:
A portion of his studies included some fighting techniques and quite a bit of muscle building. Strengthening his muscles before he stopped aging was important because once the aging process stops, so does the ability to grow muscle mass. It was mostly lean muscle, from repetition of labor chores and fighting practice. Another reason these skills were part of his lessons was that he would need to be able to sedate rowdy patrons and deal with the fighters if any problems were to arise. Apart from learning, his experience is almost entirely that of a bouncer and referee. It takes a lot more skill that those careers would usually need, but it is effectively just that.
Learning, or more directly his games, have taught him well and in practical ways. For instance, if he has a reason to not just play around with his opponent, he is very capable of devising a strategy that would destroy an opponent in any way he choose. If someone was cocky about chess skill, he would take out enough of the opponent's pieces to break and demoralize him or her to the extent that the opponent would forfeit. At the manor this is most useful for diplomacy, by exchanging the pieces for carefully chosen words learned from his tutors.
Other:
He's a vampire. For a description on how his 'type' works, click here. Fredrick is rarely without armored gloves, knifes, and a sedentary poison with something to inject it such as a dagger or syringe.Okay, here's what I have so far. I didn't do much with combat experience because I was unable to see some of the things to mentioned, probably because I spent too much time on this today. sweatdrop Vampirism isn't a scientific mutation, it is a magical difference, so somethings are just going to have to be accepted, but I did leave a lot out that didn't make sense. The still-borns work because they were never alive, and when the change is done correctly it has only vampire blood within it. The vampire blood isn't swallowed, it is injected. They gain movement the same way vampires in almost every story can be dead humans, then moving vampires (this is where magic comes in). Vampires are undead, so that explains the lack of new cells. However, cells includes blood and to get that they feed. They don't need nourishment, they are undead. When human blood is consumed, much like a food, the useful part is kept and distributed. This useful part is filtered blood, or vampire blood. Filtered, meaning that what preserves the body from aging is removed and used, disease and unneeded elements are either cleaned or disposed of. A child vampire uses the cells consumed to gain new cells, and thus can grow and age. An adult vampire's body uses something (this is where reality is stretched and some magic comes in) in human blood to preserve the corpse, preventing it from decay both as aging and as cell loss. The parent vampires either eat a lot more or use an artificial filter. This is also why I had the character extra thin as a child, but not when he ate on his own until you pointed out the flaw of eating more being able to fix that. Okay, did I manage to cover about everything?
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Posted: Fri Jul 23, 2010 2:02 pm
Okay, your thing about vampirism following the magical path shoots you in the foot. If you want to follow it that way, then you need to either use the whole magical path or none of it. If you want to make these vampires magical, then you need to trash all of your information and start over from scratch. Sedatives don't work on undead. Neither does poison, so you need to get rid of that. Vampires are actually the only undead that DO produce new cells, but the problem is that they can't do it on their own. It is part of the reason they need to drink blood. It's how they heal, grow more powerful, and manage to maintain their appearance. Your explanation about the stillborns makes no sense. It CAN'T work. If the baby's heart is not pumping, then the blood isn't circulating. Which means that no matter how you put the blood into the body, it won't do anything. You can't mutate or alter dead tissue. Your explanation of it is the same as saying that doctors can revive someone that has been dead for months. The cells are all dead, it won't work. Now, you are saying that they don't need to eat. That contradicts what you had earlier about their starvation, and still doesn't make any sense. It actually harms you. With the way you have it, every time they take damage, they lose mass. They get smaller. They are cannibalizing a portion of their own body to close the injury. And they will still rot away, because they have nothing to stop their bodies from aging. What it appears you are trying to get across is that vampires somehow turn human blood into vampire blood, which is fine but it means they would have to add something. Where is that additive coming from? It has to be produced somewhere, or they will use all of it up and either die or turn back into normal humans.
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Posted: Fri Jul 23, 2010 2:56 pm
Sedatives, that is what I forgot. With those, they stop the brain from sending signals to the muscles, shut the brain down, or forcibly relax muscles. Oh, and some diseases can harm them, but it just isn't all.
You said it yourself, the vampires are undead, if that is so, why can't a dead infant become an undead?
Starvation was referring to blood, while above I forgot to mention that I was referring to human food.
These vampires don't grow more powerful after they stop aging, except mentally at their choosing. They don't heal, but they can have existing cells seal back together. If a chunk is bitten out of an arm, it is going to stay gone.
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Posted: Fri Jul 23, 2010 3:17 pm
Sedatives won't work because they are dead. You can't sedate a corpse. Same with disease. They can cause it, but they can't suffer from it.
Vampires are undead. But to create a vampire you have to introduce vampiric blood into LIVING TISSUE. A dead infant can't become a vampire because they have no living tissue. You can still turn a dead baby into a ghoul or zombie.
Starvation is starvation. Doesn't matter what they eat.
And you are still missing the point that is killing your vampires. They HAVE to have some way to create new cells. Magic isn't going to hold them together, it will just animate them. What you currently have here aren't vampires. They are just sentient zombies that need to drink blood for some unexplained, nonsensical reason. The whole reason that vampires need to drink is because it stops them from rotting. It allows them to produce new cells and to heal.
Your explanation translates like this, "Sedatives work because I say so. Stillborns can become vampires because I say so. They don't age or rot because I say so. They drink blood because I say so."
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