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Folks, Ceribri put me up to posting this:
The Fan-Fic of the Damned . . .

(Or, Angela’s Grand Unification Theory, subject to change w/out notice)

A long time ago, in Johns Hopkins Hospital, I was born. Then I learned to talk. Then I learned to create fanfic. And no cult SF series has been safe since. This is the current iteration of my dual universe, combining Doctor Who, Star Wars, Star Trek, and anything else I can get my grubby mitts on. Read ‘em and laugh. Or weep. Your choice. Just don’t point out the inconsistencies. I already know about ‘em and don’t care . . .

In the Space-time continuum I will refer to from now on as "Prime," in the year the Old Republic fell, an 11-year-old Han Solo discovered a newborn baby girl abandoned in an alley behind a Corellian shopping mall. No one knows who her parents were, though they were probably Force-sensitives on the run from the Emperor’s Great Purge. Han brought the baby back with him to the pirate ship he was crewing on, and gave her to the Wookie cook to raise (no, not to barbeque, I said Wookie, not Androgum!). The child was named Anja Solo, and grew up to have a more than passing resemblance to Lara Croft (hey, it’s my fantasy!).

Knowing that, since she was a hottie, the pirates would be after her virtue, at the age of 14 Anja allowed herself to be caught committing armed robbery and went to juvie. At the age of 16, as a ward of the government, she became a student at the Corellian School of Science and Math. There she met Wedge Antillies, son of a space fuel-station owner and an Alderaanian painter. (Why would a sensitive, talented painter fall for a guy who ran an deep-space truck stop? Wait and see . . .) Anja and Wedge became best friends, because they had two things in common: 1. They were unpopular with the other kids, and 2. They were both fans to the point of obsession of a holographic serial about time travel called Doctor Who, a series they believed, at least intellectually, to be fiction . . .

Then one day when Anja was about 17, she ran into the TARDIS while jogging. Literally. It landed in front of her, she careened into it, and fell on her shapely a** into a mud puddle. Doctor #4 and K-9 came out to ask directions and where they could pick up some jelly-babies and ginger beer (and what the heck, Mary Whitehall’s probably dead, non-ginger beer too!). Once she decided she wasn’t being punk’d, Anja led them to the local gourmet market. The market’s surveilance tapes were the last place anyone in the Prime universe saw Anja for several years . . .

Anja had many adventures with the Doctor in his universe. They freed the mining world of Taquseem from its Dalek overlords (finding time to make mad, passionate whoopie in a cave during a slow plot point. Hey, like I said, Whitehall’s dead. And she was 18 by then. And she initiated it). They spent a wonderful, Bohemian summer in a garrett overlooking the Seine in 1890's France (lots of whoopie and nude portrait-painting). And they prevented an army of Cybermen from hijacking the Hyperion II. During this last adventure, they met a time-agent whose real name escapes me, but whom we all know as Jack. He hit on Anja. She demuured, saying she was with someone. He said he didn’t mind a threesome. She pointed out the Doctor. He backed off. He doesn’t do ugly. Silly, silly Jack.

Anja was very clever in this adventure–realizing that when the baddies started pulling folks’ gold teeth that they must be working for the Cybermen, she swallowed her earrings and then masked their scan signature by stuffing the Doctor’s watch down her blouse. Later, she vomited up the earrings–instant weapons! Only problem was, she felt queasy for the entire rest of the adventure. Secretly, she borrowed a pregnancy test from Jack. When it came up positive, she blurted out "Paris!" Jack said that sounded like a good name . . .

The TARDIS found its way back to Universe Prime, but not into a nice neighborhood. They landed in an Imperial prison camp, at the point of revolt because they hadn’t been resupplied in several years. One of the inmates was a rather dissilusioned would-be Rebel named Biggs Darklighter, who was forced to eject from his starfighter in his first combat, was picked up from the debris field, and has spent the entire war in prison. The Doctor helps the inmates escape in the TARDIS. Then they do battle with alien lizard dudes whose name escapes me (quick, John, Truce at Bakura . . . ). The former inmates triumph and, re-naming a captured alien ship the Homeward Bound, begin a journey back to civilized space. The Doctor returns to his own universe. Anja chooses to stay on the Homeward Bound. She doesn’t tell him why, but six months later she gives birth to a son with two hearts. She names him Parys Solo. He’s an ugly little mug, but she loves him anyway.

While en route back to the Corellian Sector, the crew of the Homeward Bound encounter–ta da!–General Wedge Antillies, commanding a re-commissioned Star Destroyer. They learn that the Empire’s been defeated (explains the "no supply ships to the prison" thing), and all the relevant rebel gossip. Sorry, Ceribri, I ain’t re-capping 3 movies here. Come over to my place some weekend and we’ll watch ‘em. Anyway, Anja is re-united with her brother, confesses the truth about her baby, and learns that he’d actually spent a few days in the Whoniverse himself, courtesy of a faulty dimention door at Lloyd’s Pizza. And Wedge tells Anja that his mother wasn’t really from Alderaan at all; she was from the future, part of some sort of time-traveling group calling themselves the Heritage Foundation, which is funded by some inter-stellar corporation called Industrial Light and Magic. Ceribri, I’ll explain later. Wedge’s birth turns out to have been what’s known as a "predestination paradox"–if his mother hadn’t married his father, the Rebellion would have lost, I’ll explain later, yadda, yadda.

Meanwhile, back in the Whoniverse, the good Doctor at least tells himself he ain’t broken up by Anja’s dumping him. After all, she was only human. Then he meets Lady Romanadvoratrelundar, and, once she regenerates into a little Lolita hottie, they begin about 100 years of mad, passionate love affair that burns across the stars. Yes, in my hands, Doctor Who becomes a soap opera. JNT better not dare to spin in his grave, though, or I’ll fly to England and pound a stake in him.

Anyway, the Doctor thinks, "This is it, true love at last, my soul-mate . . ." Then things start to go all pear-shaped. Are the events of the Whoniverse being manipulated by revoltingly sordid events playing out on the casting couches of the CBC (Corellian Broadcasting Company) in Universe Prime? Or are the events of the Whoniverse influencing bad decisions made in Universe Prime? Not even Anja knows. But she’s volunteered to hold the stake while I pound. And edit. My verb tense has slipped. Dammit.

Next Installment:
"I Left (one of) My Heart(s) in E-space," or,
"Hey, Look, Isn't that Haley's Comet?"

burning_eyes rofl

So, when we last left this Cavalcade of Corny, the Doctor was shacked up cosily with Romana, figuring that this comfy little arrangement was going to last the rest of his lives . . . Then they wind up in E-Space (sub-universe of the Whoniverse). First stop, they inadvertently pick up Adric. Second stop, Adric, having been suckered into joining a kooky cult with a crowd of Twilight rejects, plans to eat Romana. He decides against it at the last minute (yes, folks, there are things that will turn even Adric’s stomach, vampirism apparently being one of them), but Romana is still understandably distrustful. During an unsuccessful attempt to use Lloyd’s Interdimensional Pizza (note to newbs to my twisted world–Lloyd’s was created by freshmen at Rutgers U and brought to Duke by a transfer student, where I gleefully pounced on it)as a portal back to N-Space (the Whoniverse), the Doctor and Romana have a fight:
Her: “Take that nasty little swamp spawn home before he eats one of us!”
Him: “But Romana, he followed me home! And he’s so lost and all alone . . . Plus, he thinks I’m brilliant. I’m gonna keep him.”
While at Lloyd’s they run into Han and Anja, who, BTW, know EVERYTHING of importance that’s going to happen to the Doctor until halfway through his sixth incarnation. Awkward . . .
Anja does not tell the Doctor about the baby. He’s got enough problems.
When the Doctor at last gets out of E-space, Romana stays behind. Yep, she dumps him. And takes the dog in the breakup. Cue country song.
The Doctor, now with foster-child Adric in tow, meets Nyssa, Princess of Traken, a girl with dark, smokey eyes, frizzly hair, and enough brain power that Adric doesn’t think of her as “a girl” at all (females of his species being invariably ignorant, barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen). They also encounter the Master. Death and destruction ensue. They think they’ve beaten the Master and leave Traken. But the Master is impossible to kill–Heaven won’t have him and Hell’s afraid he’ll take over. See also “big gaudy ring labeled do not open until X-Mas 2009". So, in one insanely dramatic episode, which I did not make up . . .
–The Master shows up wearing Nyssa’s dad’s body like a cheap suit. Ew. Squick.
–The Mouth From The South, aka Tegan, shows up. Coffee, tea, or my bare shapely legs, anyone?
–Nyssa’s home planet gets fragged. She cries. Adric holds her. Big bonding moment.
–The Doctor falls from a radio telescope tower, and breaks his ribs and all his whiskers. And his little solar plexus. “Aie, Carumba!” cries the Doctor. And then he regenerates into Tristan Farnon, hard-drinking, skirt-chasing veterinarian . . . Well, that’s how it looked to me!
The Doctor and his newly-acquired Scout Troop spend the next several adventures trying to get Tegan and her big, loud mouth back home, until they suddenly find themselves in 1925. Now we all know that the first thing you do in 1925 is crash somebody’s big house party. Second thing you do is try to avoid being murdered. In the midst of the high-jinks (off camera, in my mind) two things occur:
Adric comes to the crippling realization that a)Nyssa is FEMALE and b)he is UTTERLY UNATTRACTIVE to her, ‘cause she’s crushing on the Doctor and he has pimples and smells of compost. Cue teen angst and poetry by T.S. Elliot. cheese_whine
In the fashion of Great Country House parties, the Doctor and Tegan end up in the same bed. Come on. Tegan’s been b****ing all season “Take me home!” In the ep. after this one, she’s decided to stay, no reason given. And the Doctor is now young, cute, and on-the-rebound. Things that make you go “Hmmm . . .” burning_eyes

Meanwhile, back in UP (faster than typing “Universe Prime”), Anja has returned to the Corellian system. Biggs Darklighter, hearing from a SW novel that his parents got divorced and sold his family home to a guy who used to give him wedgies in middle school, decides not to go back to Tatooine. Besides, poor single mom anja needs someone to make an honest woman of her. So they marry. He becomes an interplanetary shuttle pilot. She writes song lyrics for pop artists and screenplays for holoflicks. She’d like to write scripts for Doctor Who, but it’s been on hiatus since the Imperial censors finally realized that the Daleks (and Cybermen, and Sontarans . . .) were a very thinly disguised metaphor for Imperial Stormtroopers. Hopefully, with the emperor dead, the show will get back on the air.
Wedge is having no luck keeping a girlfriend, because the novel-writers keep fighting over him. Same with Luke. Meanwhile, Wedge tells Anja everything he’s learned about his mother:
She was born (will have been born?) in the 22nd Century. Her family is heir to the vast IL & M fortune; they build transporters, replicators, warp drives, etc., for the United Federation of Planets. All techie stuff that doesn’t exist in Anja’s late-20th-Century. Yes, I see the inconsistencies. I started this when I was 11. Be glad I edited out the parts with Scooby-Doo. blaugh
Anyway, Wedge’s mum, Cassandra (no, not a trampoline–that’s really Michael Jackson rofl ) was sent back in time to Alderaan on a preservation mission (collecting seeds and DNA of local plants and animals) when she met Wedge’s dad and realized she was destined to become Wedge’s mom. Paradox. Lot of that about.
As far as her family in friends in the 22nd century were concerned, Cassie had vanished. When they used a piece of unreliable alien equipment (the “Guardian of Forever”) to send 3 time agents to find her, they’d ended up in the middle of the Rebellion, on a medical frigate, where they met Wedge (who was there to check on his buddy Luke, who had been beaten and maimed six ways from Sunday as well as sporting some exotic fungal infections). Tricorder scans confirm Wedge is Cassie’s son. Wedge and Leia Organa do not buy the time agents’ stories about being with Alliance intel–they confess to being:
Jay Jesson, Corellian historian, specialist in last 20th-early 21st century pop culture. Dee-Jay in his spare time.
Freddie Eirwynson, Jedi medic and chick-chaser. Yep, the Jedi have changed . . .
Gareth “Tiny” Oluwole, Starfleet engineer and cousin of Cassandra (therefore, related to Wedge and heir to IL & M).
These three clowns develop a habit of turning up every so often in the 20th Century to “keep an eye” on Wedge. One afternoon after the war, when Anja’s boy Parys is about 3 years old and has developed a habit of streaking whenever possible, Tiny, Freddie, and Jay turn up at a costume party Anja and Biggs are hosting for friends and family and say, “Hey, you wanna see a real party, come with us!”
They all find themselves in the 22nd Century, on a planet called Earth (what kind of planet name is that? Dirt? And yet it’s the same as the planet the Doctor hangs out in in his universe, since Corellia doesn’t exist there. Weird.), in an underwater facility called Center Neptune. A big Halloween party is getting ready to start. A bunch of guests are already there, mostly Starfleet personnel–officers and crew of the “Big E,” on which Tiny serves. There are other folks there, in masks, including one blonde lady who nearly falls out laughing when she sees little Parys streaking down the Center’s corridors.
One more group of guests needs to arrive, though, before Jay can start spinnin’ his stacks of wax. He, Freddie, and Tiny go topside, in time to see the TARDIS materialize. Out steps the Doctor and his scout troop.

Next Up: “Dead Man’s Party,” or, “We’d Tell You What’s Going on, But Then We’d Have To Kill You. Too.”