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Moonlit Journey (Critiques Please!)

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-GracedWithPoetry-

PostPosted: Sun Jun 27, 2010 11:19 am


The moon's light shone unwillingly on my face. I laid in my bed, on my side, my face away from the only window. My breathing was slow and rhythmic. My chest rose and fell to the night's song of crickets and wind. My eyes fluttered open and I licked my lips. Something was wrong terribly wrong.

Something was calling my name in a soft, shrill voice. It was melodic in a strange way. I look towards my door. It was cracked open a a flickering light shone through it like a candle. I sat up and glanced towards the mirror of which the moonlight hit. It was aimed towards me.

I hear the voice again. “Minah... Come dance with us...” I slowly climb out of the bed, uncontrollably. What power does this voice have on me? I took silent steps in my socks as I went down the hallway. There's a light in front of me, guiding me to the back door. My mom's asleep on the couch and the TV's on to a low setting.

The door opens with a little help from the wind. I catch it before it hit the wall behind it. Its squeaks a little as it shuts behind me. I took a forced step forward into the soft grass. It rustled a little in front of me, teasing me a little.

The voice calls to me again, beckoning me to the right. “Minah... Come dance with us... Come...” The voice was louder and it sent shivers down my spine. The moonlight shone on me from behind, like a quiet stalker. I feel it's cold hard stare on my back, wanting me to run.

I walk faster, my pace picking up into a run. Every step I took, the voice grew louder, ringing in my ears. I felt the urge to dance, to twirl in place and jump. What was this? The grass had turned to a purplish color and I couldn't see my home anymore. I closed my eyes and allowed myself to dance without worry.

As I open my eyes there are little lights flitting around my in the air. I stop for a moment and observed them. It was then that I noticed that my actions weren't forced any more. The voices were singing now and laughter filled the air. Was this a dream? Just my imagination making me delusional?

“Hear the silent voices... Capture it in your heart... Let the fairies guide you... Dance with them, you will... Follow them to another place... marvel at their grace...”
PostPosted: Sun Jun 27, 2010 11:21 am


Hey guys... I'm Graced and this is one of the first short stories i had written in a long time...
Comments can be as harsh as they can be and I want them.
I want to know how I can improve my writing stratigies.
Really badly.

Thanks for reading,
GracedWithPoetry

-GracedWithPoetry-


Aloysia Bloodfur

PostPosted: Sun Jun 27, 2010 4:10 pm


Interesting.
I'm new to your planet but a friend of mine tells me that the concept of fairies and their leading you to dance, ensnaring you if you will, is a fairly mystical, entertaining, and popular topic. Based on what she tells me, I think you've caught that: the mystery of the capturing of the characters, the entertaining of your reader, and the consistency with the legends.
I think the majority of your grammar mistakes you'll find when you go over it again. And I would recommend going over it again. This story has quite a bit of potential, but if you mean for this segment to stand on its own... I think it's a little too short to be by itself. Edit, add detail, and of course have fun with the story. I think you could really take this somewhere.




"Sometimes I wonder who's luckier: the people who don't have to fight, or the people who have something worth fighting for."

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PostPosted: Sun Jun 27, 2010 4:43 pm


Er... Thanks!

-GracedWithPoetry-

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