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Alright guys, I get a TON of jokes from my grandparents through my AOL e-mail and I thought this would be a good place to put them.

These are copied and pasted as they are.

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A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter,
and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests,
you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus.."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks,
"What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less,
and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth.
You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex.
You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot!
I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is.."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can..
Tears stream down both cheeks
-- but he doesn't make a face --
and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.
Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight
-- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar.
His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.
He drunkenly says,
"Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

Little Girls Fire Rig


A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides & a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter' s helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog & her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.

"That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration.

"Thanks", the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer & noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar & to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner," the firefighter said "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster..."

The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

Smarter than a Third Grader

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms.. Brooks he would give the boy a test.. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and heagreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know..

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms.. Brooks says to the principal,'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man=2 0steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling..

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'

Confucius say...

Virginity like bubble, one p***k, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behindcar get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch assshould not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

I have more but this post is already long as heck.

tl;dr