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M o r n i n g ╪ B e l l s (In need of critiques!)

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Jackadelia

PostPosted: Wed Jun 23, 2010 8:24 pm


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M o r n i n g ╪ B e l l s



This is a project I've been working on for a while now and I feel like sharing with you guys since I figured I should put up something that has more than one chapter at the current moment. (explanation: I have a lot of ideas and I like to write down beginnings to work off later) I don't know if you guys really want to read it though so I'm just going put up the prologue to test the waters. wink

If you want to read on just vote to move forward in the poll. Really simple, right?  
PostPosted: Wed Jun 23, 2010 8:25 pm


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Ye Old Table of Contents


Prologue ---------------- pg. 1
 

Jackadelia


Jackadelia

PostPosted: Wed Jun 23, 2010 8:26 pm


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Prologue

It is a strange thing to want to move to the town of Wilterfield. There are no attractions to trap tourists, and absolutely nothing interesting about the homes for sale except, perhaps, the view. There are more livestock living in the town than people and the school looks more like a tool shed super sized. Above all, the weather is just plain dismal. So what would possess a young couple to move to this little town in the middle of no where? That was the very question on the lips of the few residents of Wilterfield.

A group of neighbors had gathered at a nearby home and watched as piece of furniture after piece of furniture was unloaded from the moving truck. The newly wed couple stood next to each other, holding hands and talking in each other’s ear. The two looked picturesque with her in a simple dress and a small jacket to keep away any unwanted chill and him in a pair of simple jeans and sweater. They couldn’t be past their twenties and were both still very attractive. All of which only served to condemn them more.

“Something isn’t right about those two…” Mrs. Lexington muttered rather loudly. There was a murmur as the rest of the small group agreed. No one shifted their speculative eyes from the lovers.

“I saw the girl in the supermarket the other day; I was looking for Smitten’s favorite cat n**, you know, the one that’s shaped like little fishies? Bless her little heart, she won’t eat anything else. Anyway, as I was passing the canned section I saw her stocking up as if there were a third World War on the way.” Mrs. Richard piped up as a dining table was unloaded from the truck. “I had half a mind to remind her that gluttony is a deadly sin.”

“She told Cassie she was holding an introduction party later this week.” Jenny Williams replied. She gave Mrs.Richards a hard look, causing the gossiping old woman to shrink even more than she already had over her many years. “I don’t see what you guys are so worked up about. They seem perfectly normal to me.”

“It wasn’t normal when the boy bought five rifles from the gun shop yesterday.” A gruff voice rumbled, as it’s huge owner pushed his way into the center of the group.

“Perhaps he likes guns or hunting. Don’t be so quick to judge, Rufus. If I recall correctly, you’ve got at least ten different guns stored throughout that dumpster of a house of yours.” Jenny retorted with a small triumphant glimmer in her eyes as muscles tensed in Rufus’s face. He spat on the ground next to him and muttered under his breath.

“Well it’s easy for you to welcome them with open arms! You’re leaving in a month for college.” Mrs. Lexington said, looking slightly flustered. Jenny caught sight of her mother’s sad eyes glancing in her direction and sighed.

“That’s true but I’d rather have you guys get off to a good start with these people than a bad one. After all, they do have five new rifles now.” A few people laughed and more smiled. Even Rufus’s lips curved ever so slightly. Jenny was the type of girl who always managed to bring even the most bitter enemies at least within talking distance of each other. She wasn’t exactly pretty, nor was she ugly, in fact she was plain in just about everything but her smile. Her smile was as contagious as the plague to anyone who became victim to it. It was so sweet and genuine that it was near impossible to forget. And it was what the residents of Wilterfield would miss the most about her.

“So then, shall we introduce ourselves, Martha?” Mr. Richards asked hobbling his way over to where his wife stood, still gazing in the new couple’s direction. Mrs. Richards tucked some of the loose gray strands blowing in the breeze behind her ear and nodded reluctantly.

“I’m not baking them muffins though. Heaven knows they’ve got enough food as it is.” Everyone smiled and watched as the elderly couple began to make their way across the street. Spidery fingers curled around Jenny’s shoulder and she looked over to see her mother standing behind her.

“You should introduce yourself, dear,” She suggested gently. Around them the crowd was beginning to disperse as neighbor after neighbor remembered chores that needed to be done.

Jenny laughed and said, “What’s the point in introducing myself? I’ll be leaving in a month, if even that. Besides, no matter what I said, those two give me the heebie-jeebies…” Her mother smiled and took another step so they were standing side by side.

“I know, but don’t you think they should know the girl who saved them from neighborhood exile?” Ms. William’s voice was steady and calm but Jenny could sense some intention behind it. She stuck her hands in her oversized sweatshirt and clenched them nervously.

“Fine, but if I end up dead you can blame yourself,” Jenny finally answered. She had decided it was best to bite her tongue and not ask her mother what she was thinking.

“Thank you, Honey.”

“Yeah. Yeah.” She simply said as she started across the street. God, how do I always end up in these situations? I need to start keeping my mouth shut… With a sigh she pushed her hair back, out of her eyes, which were fixed on the ground in front of her. Trying to distract herself from the growing airiness in her stomach, she made notes about the road like how worn down it had become with weeds growing in the cracks of the concrete. Of course that didn’t really help when she had finally made it to the driveway.

The couple was staring at her when she was finally forced to looked up. This is so awkward! “Hi! I’m, uh, Jenny. I live just a few houses down,” she mumbled with the best smile she could muster and jabbing her thumb in the direction of where her house stood. Her other hand was still in the sweatshirt pocket balled into the tightest fist she had ever made. The aura these two were giving off made her nauseous.

The man was the first to reply, he held out his hand and said, “Hello, Jenny. I’m Tom and this is my wife Lila.” They both flashed a dazzling smile as she shook his hand but Lila didn’t follow suit and instead just stood by his side, staring at her. Goosebumps ran up the length of Jenny’s arms. Lila’s eyes almost seemed menacing.

“Tell me, Jenny; have you ever been in the Chicago area?” Lila inquired, her voice sounding just as icy as her blue eyes were.

“No. If I have, it was when I was really young.” Jenny could hear the nervousness in her own voice, which only served to make her even more uncomfortable. This was going worse than she had thought it would.

Tom gave his wife a pointed look before turning back to Jenny and saying with a hint of an apologetic tone, “Would you like to come in for a glass of Lemonade? It would be much more comfortable in there.” Jenny saw Lila shoot him a glare.

“I should actually be going home. I’ve got preparations to make for college and-”

“Oh. College, eh? When are you leaving?” Lila cut in. She suddenly seemed to be in better spirits.

“About a month, now. Um, but really- I should get going. It was, uh, nice meeting you!” Jenny insisted backing away slowly before breaking out into power walking back to the house. Ms. Williams walked out to the front porch and greeted her daughter with a pat on the back. Then she sat down in one of the rocking chairs, staring at the couple who was staring right back. Jenny didn’t waste any time getting inside.

Tom and Lila watched the aging woman until Lila pulled on his sleeve. “Let’s go inside. We need to discuss some things,” She whispered, glancing in their neighbor’s direction.

“I know.” They hooked arms and walked inside to one of the bedrooms that already had all of the cardboard boxes stacked up against the walls. The little light that made it through the overcast didn’t even have a chance through the dusty glass of the window so the two stood in almost total darkness with the door shut.

“Tom, I can’t have our child while that girl and woman are here. I know you felt their discharge too, and you can’t ignore it like you tried in Chicago.”

“I know. I know, but it’s different this time. This is a small town and people will notice if someone goes missing. It’ll be dangerous for either one of us to make a move on the other. For now it’s best to hold a temporary peace. Let them make the first move if they’re willing to risk it.” He replied soothingly. Outside the door the movers were laughing loudly about something one of them had said.

Lila lowered her voice, “I don’t like this business about college. What is she planning?”

“I don’t know, but perhaps she can’t hold her farce anymore and needs to let go of the spell.”

Lila’s eyes widened tremendously.“You can’t mean she’s been holding that thing for eighteen years! My god! What kind of seer is she?”

“The worst kind. I have a feeling He’s got her on strings already. Make sure you avoid them at all costs and never look either of them in the eye. Who knows how much they already know…”

Lila bit her lower lip and looked down, breathing in sharply. She had forgotten how painful pregnancy was for her people. He wrapped his arm around her tenderly and pulled her closer to him, breathing in the scent of her perfume. The corners of his mouth went up slightly as he pressed his lips against the top of her brow. “I’m scared, Tom… I can’t lose this one too.”

“You won’t, darling. I promise you on my life.”
PostPosted: Mon Jul 12, 2010 6:39 pm


▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ a e i o u ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬
this is my critique of you, Morning Bells


Short-ish Critique!
KaylersBaylers,

I like how the story opens, as in the first paragraph. c: It reads almost like how a movie would begin when the opening credits are still rolling.

Some of your spelling/grammar things need to be looked over (small things, mostly) such as making "no where" one word, or saying "piece after piece of furniture" so that the sentence is not as clunky (unless you want to keep it that way.)

In your fourth paragraph, I feel like it would be more effective to say "Mrs. Richard piped up..." after one of the first clausses/sentences in her dialogue. Then we can know right away that it's Mrs. Richard who is a cat lady. ♥ Also, it makes it easier to keep characters straight when we don't know all of them yet, and they are all in the same place. Any one of the group could have been talking.

Your writing style is very nice and makes me want to read more.

Watch out for "its" vs. "it's" (sixth paragraph) and things like not capitalizing after ending dialogue if the sentence didn't end (twelfth paragraph).

The way you are writing makes it very easy to imagine what the atmosphere in the town is like. That's very good.

The prologue ends in a different way than what I was expecting; probably because the seeming antagonists are suddenly protagonists in a way.

If you want me to actually point out some of the grammar things I noticed, I will gladly. I did not want to bog you down with these comments, however.

Closing Optimism!
I definitely want you to post more.



♦ all critiques are subjective and of my opinion & education only ♦
▬ ▬ ▬ and sometimes why. ▬ ▬ ▬

Chigotsa

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