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 Posted: Mon Jun 14, 2010 7:56 pm
Ok, lame subject line, but it gets the message across.
I've never been that good with introducing a story to a reader. I try to go with the "smack in the middle of things" approach, but I'm not sure just how effective it is. This blurb may wind up as a full-fledged story at some point, but I'd like input on how I did as far as getting you as readers hooked.
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What was it that gave him away? It could have been the killing intent swarming him like killer bees on the attack or the blood-red eyes that were swirling malignantly beneath the black chaos atop his head. No--the first thing Katalina noticed was the fact that he had not approached her in a normal fashion. This 'creature' was hovering a few feet above the ground, suspended by a pair of black, leathery wings. They had an appearance similar to bat wings and though they were torn and covered in blood, they held him aloft as if he were weightless.
He didn't remain airborne much longer and toppled the short distance to the ground as he seemingly lost his control. He collapsed in a heap and the leathery wings vanished, a stream of smoke emitting where they had been. Katalina placed her bagged groceries on the ground--she didn't want to have to go back to the store--and she rushed over, kneeling down beside him. When she touched his arm to shake him, the jacket he was wearing began to singe, outlining her small hand perfectly. She pulled away quickly, afraid she was harmed and examined her hand for burns. She was unharmed and took a closer look at his jacket.
The skin beneath the leather was pale, but had no burn marks or damage done at all. With a heavy sigh, Katalina leaned over him to look at his face. His eyes were shut and she wasn't sure she had really seen his fierce eyes. She knew she couldn't just leave him there so she grabbed both of his arms and pulled on him, trying to get him to his feet. The jacket singed beneath her hands, but with miraculous ease, the creature was hoisted off of the ground and was slung partially over her shoulder. To her surprise, he wasn't as heavy as he appeared to be. She pulled him over to a nearby bench and sat him down, checking the new singe marks for any wounds. To her relief, only the jacket reacted to her touch. Looking over at her abandoned groceries, she knew she would have to make a choice: come back for the bags or come back for the creature.
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Posted: Tue Jun 15, 2010 2:41 pm
I love to start smack in the middle sometimes. It's so much fun to bombard the reader with so much information that they don't understand what's going on to the point their head explode. Well, that's what I like to do...have I ever done that?...
Well back on track, those are some killer descriptions you give. It leaves me wanting more! What happens?! Who is he? Who is she? What happens from there? I WANT TO KNOW IT ALL! twisted
I really do wonder who that woman is, who seems to act calm to what just happened. Does she deal with that kind of stuff everyday? burning_eyes As far as getting someone hooked in the introduction you did a good job on that. Thumbs up for your awesomeness.
I can't really think of a damn thing on how to improve it at all. I mean, I've never been one good at editing really. I found no grammar errors so feel proud of yourself on that. 3nodding
Congrats and keep up the good work.
pirate
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Posted: Wed Jun 16, 2010 7:56 pm
Thank you so much for the positive review! I love having people tell me they like my writing. Makes it so worthwhile to keep at it. Anyway, here's the next bit that I typed up, so anyone who wants to read it, have at it. It isn't as descriptive as that part up there, but I think it works. Input is always welcome; good or bad.
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With another sigh, she knew her decision. She grabbed her bags and began trekking to her apartment, her footsteps heavy. She paused and looked back at the creature, feeling guilty about leaving him there all alone. From the distance she was, a few yards, he merely looked like he had fallen asleep in a strange place. A small smile leapt to her lips and she turned back again, making her way to her apartment.
The small brick building was in a quaint area of the city and didn’t see much trouble. There were only three floors and each had six apartments. Katalina realized another problem she was going to face. Even if the creature was still on the bench when she got back, how was she going to get him up a flight of stairs? She couldn’t possibly throw him over her shoulder! She’d fall down and hurt them both. Shaking the thought from her head, she quickly unlocked her door, 2-E, and placed the groceries on the floor near the refrigerator. It would take her a few minutes to reach the man and another bit to figure out how to get him upstairs. Anything in the bags that may spoil would have plenty of buffer time. She tore out again and ran right to where she had left the creature.
Her heart leapt to her throat when the creature was still on the bench, but he had company. A policeman was standing in front of him and was shining the flashlight in his eyes.
“Hey buddy? You can't sleep here.” The policeman kicked the creature’s foot. “C’mon pal, wake up.”
Rushing over, Katalina tapped the police officer on the shoulder. “I apologize, my cousin had a few too many at a party. I told him to meet me here so I could watch him tonight. He just broke up with his girlfriend and he tends to do crazy things.” She sat down beside him and grabbed his arm, getting to her feet. “C’mon Alex, let’s get you home.”
The officer gave her a harsh look, but said nothing. He walked away and Katalina sighed deeply. “That was a close one...”
The creature wasn’t heavy and she managed to get him up the stairs with only a small amount of difficulty. Once he was inside her apartment, she placed him on his back on the couch and tossed a blanket over him. She then proceeded to take all of the groceries out of the bags before heading over to the medicine cabinet in the bathroom.
Just before she could grab it, however, a loud crash caused her to jump and bolt back to the living room. The creature was awake again and his gaze shot to her in a flash. He crouched on the arm of the couch and spread his wings out, looking much like a cat when frightened or angry. His red eyes were swimming with rage and terror and his gaze never shifted from her, though his pointed ears would swivel towards the slightest noise.
“Who are you?” he growled, a slight accent lacing his tone.
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Posted: Thu Jun 17, 2010 7:32 am
Is it necessary to say that I'm interested?
Your writing is good - no eye-popping grammar mistakes - and your word choice helps the reader get what you want them to get... I think. If you want the reader to feel that the woman is not afraid to help this thing, feels a little comfortable with it all, and is curious about the whatever-it-is, then your writing gets that across.
And you don't need this segment to be as descriptive as the part above it. You're shifting from introduction and familiarity to the actual action of the story. It isn't necessary to paint a portrait of your characters' noses and hair color in every chapter, you'd lose the reader's interest.
I'm interested to read more."Sometimes I wonder who's luckier: the people who don't have to fight, or the people who have something worth fighting for."
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