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 Posted: Sun Jun 13, 2010 6:47 am
After leaving Sultan, how odd it was to think of him as such after all these years, when he could remember when he had been simply Aali, Nav'hian had let Fura settle in the den wherever she wished and laid himself near the mouth of the den. IT was not that he feared she would run, in fact, he seemed barely to acknowledge her presence, instead staring out towards the pride's grounds. He could see Banu, Pads, cubs he had no recognition of. It was...utterly crazy.
The whole pride had changed, and now Nav'hian wondered if he was expected to change as well, to suit this new pride. Was he an old-fashioned Pad, would he still be welcomed? The thoughts flooded his mind in a dizzingly fashion and he rested his head against the den wall, a heavy sigh slipping from his mouth almost without him noticing.
The den, the one he had grown up in, seemed small on his large size but it would be adequate to take care of himself and his only banu, and perhaps one or two more should he take on more females, though the idea was a worrying one. More females? His only female, his beybanu even, hated him...or at very least, severely disliked him. Why take on more females when it was likely they would come to dislike him too? No, he decided, it was best to keep one. Perhaps, if she liked him, he would take on more. No more hunting outside the pride though, not for a long, long while.
He felt terrible for what he had put Fura through, but did not regret it. It had been necessary for him to return home, and now he was safely within the arms of the pride, he felt it was perfectly justified, his actions. He wanted the safety, the comfort, the sheer presence of being wanted, he wanted those feelings again and the pride supplied them. Would Fura ever come to feel the same? He didn't know, but at least he was home.
Home.
The den he grew up in.
It was dusty, and dirty, and generally in shambles from lack of use. He didn't know if other people had used it since his family's abrupt departure but it was messy now. He would have instructed Fura to clean, but with her paw, it would do her no good, and the cleaning could wait.
Or so he had first thought.
Sitting at the mouth of the den, every time he flicked his tail, it stirred more dust and he felt his ire growing.
After moments of frustrated contemplation, he launched himself to his feet with a swift movement, and without second guessing himself, began to clean. Just generally, cleaning up a few broken sticks which had collected, brushing away some of the dust and cobwebs.
Fura would be required to do a more thorough job later, when she was well, but for now, Nav simply wanted things different.
No, not just different, he wanted things better.
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Posted: Sun Jun 13, 2010 4:39 pm
She gritted her teeth together as her uncharacteristic ire rose once more. As he moved around her, not saying a word as he cleaned the den in irritation, she finally couldn't stand it anymore. "What is wrong with you?!" she cried, her voice breaking. "Or do all the Pads treat their females as slaves, like they are merely objects to be brought home, plunked down and made to serve?" She would have stopped there, but the tears came unbidden, and she couldn't seem to stop the flow of words.
"Why do you never talk to me? Why did you not tell me what it was like here? Why didn't you offer to help me on the way here? Why do you hate me so much?" For all his slight changes in attitude, all she could think was that he despised her most of the time and would rather tie her to a tree and be done than to treat her like a lioness of any worth at all. "Why did you only bring me here to ignore me?" With that last soft wail, for she had not said any of this terribly loudly in the first place, she buried her face in her paws against the dusty floor.
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Posted: Thu Jul 29, 2010 5:01 am
When Fura had begun to speak, Nav had been prepared to yell at her, justify his own views as to why he was doing what he was doing, but as she continued, her voice shaking and her questions sharp, he couldn't bring himself to yell. She was justified to be angry, she was right to hate him, he knew, for everything he put her through.
Damn it. He was just like his father. Driving people to hate him, and ruining all chances of happiness he might have. He cursed inwardly, the familiar voice speaking up, and taunting him.
Useless.
When she buried her face in her paws, giving him the opportunity to speak, he didn't speak immediately, and drew to a halt in front of her. Hesitating, just for a moment, he settled himself there, shoulders hunched so as to not tower over her, though he was much taller in his sitting position over her laying one.
"You don't understand...I need you here," he said quietly, purposely staring at a spot over her shoulder. "Or else I can't be here...and this is my home. Without it, I am nothing. Without you, I would be lower than pathetic in this pride." He closed his eyes, and knew he should tell her that he was sorry, that he didn't mean to hurt her, but the words stuck in his throat.
"You have every right to hate me, and I understand if you do, but please..." please what? He didn't even know. Don't leave? Don't hate him? Don't blame the pride for what he had done?
He launched himself to his feet, feeling restless. He hated relying on other people! He hated it, they only let him down, time and time again.
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Posted: Mon Aug 09, 2010 8:49 am
She raised her head slowly, tears tracking through her fur around her whiskers, so she could look at him as he hunkered in front of her. Oddly, she had a desperate ache for him to touch her, to soothe her, to rub his cheek against her damp on in affection. But he did not touch her. At least he talked, however.
She listened, but it did not reassure her much concerning her position here with him. It did, however, soften her heart towards him. He sounded more lonely and lost than she. Could that be why he was so cold, so distant? It didn't make it right, but it could explain some of it.
Quietly, as he stalked away from her, she replied to his spiel. "I am not the object of your salvation," she said sternly. "And neither do I hate you." She let that sink in, trying to draw from her sunny nature to find the balance between outrage and sympathy. "I am not a leaf to be placed on your wound. I could be the friend that tends it for you, though." She hoped her point was clear enough to make an impact. "I can't help you if you keep treating me like a... a... thing." Her voice cracked a little on the last word. She might have endured her mother's scorn, but at least she'd never been treated as inanimate. "I have feelings too. I have needs too." She eyed him intently. "And I don't think you'd want to make yourself into a somebody in the pride if it meant relegating someone else into the same non-entitiy you'd be otherwise." It was a hazard on her part, but his flashes of what could only be described as guilty looks seemed to contrast sharply with his surges of selfishness.
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Posted: Mon Aug 23, 2010 5:56 am
Nav'hian hated to see her crying. The tear tracks on her cheeks were not an easy sight to bear. He did not find hapiness in making a female weep or cry out in pain, and he never would. How could he have driven her to such an extent? Had he truely been this cruel? Yes, he knew he had been. He had never meant to. He had simply...needed this.
He was startled to hear she did not hate him and sneered inwardly that she should. She should hate him for what he'd done but he couldn't help but be thankful that she didn't. He didn't want a female who would resent their life together - and they would have a life together. He would not accept anything less from her.
He wanted to sneer at her, yell at her for her words, but he saw no deceit in them, no desire to hurt him with those words. "You are right," he told her softly, not looking at her. He stared out the door of the den, seeing bland figures moving in the distance. The pride he had left. "But I will not appologise for my actions. I did what I thought I had to do." He looked at her, his gaze serious but that guilty look still lingered.
"You will have all freedom that this pride can allow," he told her. "But if you disobey me, or the pride, you must understand that there will be punishment. Worst of them; death. I do not want that, but I will be powerless to stop it if you step too far out of line." Perhaps he wanted to scare her a little, but she had to understand. She couldn't do whatever she wanted. Most Pads may have hit her for her words already, but he was not like that. He wasn't. Or so he told himself.
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Posted: Mon Aug 23, 2010 7:33 am
She pinned her ears and curled her lip at his repsonse. This was impossible. No matter how hard she tried, she remained a stranger to him, a possession, an innanimate object to be cuffed and put in place. "There's that word again, disobey." She gave a soft hiss. "I'd like to know what rules I've broken knowingly so far? How have I proven to need threat of death?" She was indignant all over again. "You warn me about these rules that carry penalty, but you fail to tell me what those rules are! The impression I get is that I am not allowed to be myself, not allowed to be an individual with desires, needs, and feelings."
She glared at him. "Is this true? Am I supposed to keep my mouth shut, a bright smile on my face, and die on the inside?" Ears still pinned, she rose and limped to him, her movements entirely unaggressive... carefully so, in fact. Heavens knew she didn't need another injury to infuriate him all over again. "What of love? What of... affection?" She gulped down a sudden knot in her throat, reminded of her dreams of having a mate and what it would be like. "Are we not allowed to be kind and gentle to each other? Are we not allowed happiness?" Her eyes searched his for hope. "Can you not give me reason to love you, or must you keep trying to make me hate you?" For that was exactly what it seemed he wanted, here and now.
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Posted: Mon Sep 06, 2010 4:55 am
Nav'hian knew she was speaking the truth in her accusations, but it didn't make her words any easy to bear. He hated being wrong, and even more, he hated being so obviously wrong. The only comfort he could draw from the situation was it was only himself and her that knew what was going on, what he had done that was so horrendous. His guilt would not be exposed to the rest of the pride, or rather, he hoped they would not be.
But his worry over the rest of the pride knowing of his shame would have to wait, because she was waiting for an answer. “I will not lie to you, giving you false promises or reassurances that I love you from first sight,” he told her bluntly, his shoulders hunching over and he still refused to look at her. Out of his own guilt, or fear that she would not like what she saw in him, if she truly got to see who he was. “I didn't. And I don't.” He bit down on the inside of his cheek, the pain a stinging reminder that he was still accountable for his actions. “But...I am willing to try.” He looked up now, meeting her eyes for only a moment, before shying his gaze away, staring this time at a particularly -not - fascinating spot above her shoulder.
“I fear I have not explained anything well, or at all in some situations.” He took a deep breath, wanting her to at least understand what position she now held in his life. “It is commonplace in our pride for male to take many females, 4-5 for the sultan even. We call those female Banu, but you...” He felt awkward, having to explain this. Females in the pride already knew this, he would not have to explain to them the honour of beybanu. “You are my beybanu. We take only one lead female, and you are mine. I will take other banu, as no self-respecting male will have only one female in his harem, but they will never be a beybanu like you.” He looked at her, wanting to see her reaction. “I cannot say that I will give you my love-” he wasn't sure if he knew what love was enough to give it to her, even if he wanted to “- but you will always hold a special place in my life. If that means anything to you.” Did she even want a special place in his life?
He hated being this uncertain.
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Posted: Sun Sep 12, 2010 8:31 pm
She couldn't deny that it hurt. Oh how it hurt. It pierced her to the heart to hear him say he could not give her love. Or was it that he wasn't sure he could? Either way, it cut her deeply. But this time she did not weep or cringe. Though the pain stood starkly in her eyes, she bore up under it. This was to be her life, it seemed... possibly a loveless one. But it was her life to live, and she would make the best of it, She always had before.
She held her shoulders straight, maybe a little stiff, but straight. Her head remained high, though she couldn't quite keep her ears from wilting unhappily. And she did not avoid his eyes, though her heart ached to go and hide. Instead, she swallowed the lump in her throat and took a deep breath.
"Now tell me why." It was phrased as a command, but her eyes begged, pleaded for him to tell her. "Tell me why you will give me this honor if you do not love me." She felt it was a valid question. The way he'd put things seemed to imply a beybanu was chosen, not just whichever female came first. She needed to hear from him why he wanted her to be special, to gain some sort of comfort after the devestation of his refusal to love her. Her whiskers quivered with emotion, but still she did not break down into tears. She had a feeling she'd have to be stronger than she'd ever been before in order to thrive with this male.
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Posted: Sun Sep 12, 2010 9:32 pm
He hated seeing the devastation on her face but he refused to lie to her. He couldn't - and wouldn't - give her false dreams to think of one day he'd fall in love and they'd live happily ever after. He just wouldn't do that. He had grown up thinking of happily ever afters when he was younger, and they'd accounted to nothing. To this. And this...wasn't a happily ever after.
"Every Pad needs a Beybanu," he said stiffly. "You are likely the only banu I am likely to claim." He had little hope of ever getting another female. He would not leave the pride and who would give their daughter to a pad who could not even come back before adulthood on his quest? Pathetic. Truly pathetic. He didn't even deserve her but he had her now, and he would not give her up.
He got to his feet, and moved towards the door of the den but did not step out. Instead he stared out at the pride around him. The pride was so different now, and he just didn't know if he fit in anymore. But he would make a place for himself, and for Fura, if she let him.
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Posted: Sun Sep 12, 2010 9:43 pm
She heaved a great sigh of resignation. So it was to be like this. She watched him move away from her, fighting down the urge to feel hurt by his distancing of himself, physically and emotionally. She lay down where she was, stretching out her forepaws and giving the sore ankle a rest.
"Well, you have me now," she said as calmly as she could. "So long as you can manage to be civil to me, I won't mind... so much... not being loved." Her voice caught, but she managed to keep it steady. "And I can't promise I won't love you," she added as a counter for his not promising to love her. She wasn't entirely sure if she would, but those glimpses she got, the brief flashes of unguardedness, showed her a lion she could possibly come to love. She wished she knew why he hid that tenderness, that vulnerability. Was life so hard for males here that he had to encase himself in emotional rock?
She sighed and laid her head on her paws. "I just wish you talked to me more, and less at me," she concluded softly, almost not even meant for him to hear. It was indeed a conclusion too. Whether he got more females or not, whether he loved her or not, she accepted this as her life. She would not leave him, nor try to leave when her paw healed. She wasn't sure she'd like it here, in this odd pride with its odd ways. But she still stood by her assertion that good could come out of any situation, and that all places in life held something to be treasured. She just needed to find that something here. somehow.
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Posted: Sun Sep 12, 2010 10:01 pm
Nav'hian hated to admit it, but knowing he had her, and that she would stay, was a comforting thought. He wouldn't be alone anymore. Not with her around. He frowned. He had to stop thinking like that. He was always alone. Even if she was there, he was still alone. He sighed, heavily with his shoulders lightly slumped.
"I don't need your love," he told her quietly, half hoping she would not hear. Need. Not want. Did he want her love? "But I will make one promise, perhaps the only one I'll make." He refused to look at her. "I will try...to not take for granted any love you offer." He knew the importance of it, even if he didn't really believe in it anymore.
He looked back at her, a curious expression on his face, a mix of longing, confusion, and the familiar cold look on his face. "You should rest. I'll find us some food." His shoulders were still hunched as he left the den, without waiting for a reply. Love was not something he needed in his life, but he wouldn't deny that it was something he could remember wanting. Perhaps there was a part of him that still wanted that, but he was not prepared to ever offer it. That simply was not who he was anymore.
- f i n -
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