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Well, I guess I need a little background here first... My name's Cassandra... I'm 20 and I am pregnant... This is not my first pregnancy by any means. It's my third... possibly fourth ...but I will never know about one of them... It could have been a misscarriageor one really hellish period... the thing is... none of my pregnancies have been of consent... and this current one is no exception... this is where things get complicated. This is my english professor's child. I was stupid and fell for the stereotypical trick of "needing to discuss a paper" He gave me back a paper I wrote with no grade and asked me to meet him in his office later, which I did, stupidly... and that is why I'm here now. I have not reported him.... part of me is so fearful that I'd lose everything I've worked so hard for in school... I have a 4.0gpa... and I just applied for transfer. I just don't know... anyway... I found out I was pregnant a week after finals... there are so many things I am unsure about... such as.. what I want to do. At one point I had an appointment to have an abortion...I went in. I talked to someone for a half hour then it all seemed fine.. I felt relieved... then the doctor came in and... I just couldn't do it... Whatever relief I had felt that it was going to be over went away in an instant and I paniced.. I just... couldn't do it... so one way or another i've decided to carry my baby to term. I just don't know if I should keep it, or put it up for adoption, and if I do put it up for adoption, what type? then what about my professor? do I tell him? should I report him? could reporting him backfire and screw up my college plans? What about keeping the baby? I told myself I wouldn't get attatched... I swore to myself that I'd try not to... and yet... I find I already am. Thinkingof giving my baby up makes me start to cry... but then I do have my future to consider... and yet... do I really? I am financially stable... I can support myself... I just don't know. I don't even know what it is I'm looking for... I guess... if any of you have been here before... what course of action did you take and how did you feel about it?

Things are rather unclear here, but I'm going to take a crack at this. I'm assuming your professor assaulted you and YES you should report him. Both to the college and to the authorities in your area. I don't know how long after the fact this is or what they can really do now, but you can still try. There's no reason why it should affect your GPA or your transfer. And if you decide to keep the baby, you should definitely make sure he's paying child support.

[Now if this is more of an "I did something stupid and slept with my teacher and shouldn't have," sort of a deal--sorry, like I said what happened isn't the most clear and I'm just covering my bases--you can't really report him for anything as you're both adults. BUT you still can get support and make sure to have paternity confirmed, all that stuff. So if this wasn't the case at all, just ignore it.]

I'm not going to fill out your poll either as I really can't tell you what to do nor am I sure what I'd do in your situation. All options have benefits and consequences to them and up front I'd like to say that no matter what you choose, there is going to be hardship and pain of some sort as well as some sort of a payoff. If you thought any of the options would be 'easier' then the others, sadly that's not going to happen. Though lobbyists for any option will try to convince you that what they think is right is the easy and non-painful way to do it. And being pregnant myself, I'd like to point out that you really can't have a baby growing inside of you and not feel attached. The pro-life adoption camp doesn't tell you this part or how painful giving that baby up is going to be. =(

Ok, so the options you have given in the poll are:

[+] Closed adoption. You sign away all parental rights and once your baby is gone, they're gone and you won't know what happened to them. You'll hurt to let your baby go and wonder what happened to them, but at the same time you can be pretty sure they found a home and are being provided for. You'll never have certainty on it.

[+] Open adoption. This gets pushed for young mothers alot as an option and due to the attachment issue mentioned, about 30% end up backing out at the last minute. Which then causes pain for the adopting family as they find out they actually won't be having a baby. If you choose this and follow through, you would still have visitation rights and have a chance to have a relationship with your child but you're not going to have much of a role in his or her life. But you get some peace of mind.


**Now I honestly don't know a ton about adoption or the processes, that's about all I know, so I can't give you more information then that.**

[+] Keep the baby. You've said that you're financially stable and I'm not sure exactly what that means, but you've made it sound like you can provide for yourself. And while it's going to make some people throw things at me, babies aren't quite as expensive as they're made out to be. -waits for objects to start flying-

The older your child gets, the more expensive s/he will be to raise. But in terms of an infant, the worst part is 'start-up' costs [crib, car seat, stroller, other large necessities] and if you have family and friends that hold a shower for you, a lot of that can be avoided. For children under the age of one, the biggest costs are diapers and formula if you choose to formula feed.

I'm going to see if Nopenname will come in here and tell you her story of having her first child at 21 while she and her husband were both in college and low-income. She can give you a much better idea of what it's like to really have a child and be in college on a budget.

But depending on what your income is, you almost certainly will qualify for programs like WIC and you can get on them right now. WIC helps with grocery costs, and after the baby would come will cover your child and some formula if you formula feed, plus provide immunizations. There's a program in most states to cover mothers for pre-natal care too, but I can't think of the name.

That's kinda long, but that's about all I really know. Regardless of what you choose, they're all hard in their own way, but take some time, think about it and you'll do what's right for you.

First I'm going to say that if in fact you have been pregnant 3 possibly 4 times as acts of RAPE. You need to go talk to someone about that. Even if you don't feel as if you are affected by it all. You can start by seeing a school counselor (just about all universities have them for free...in fact I think ALL universities provide some sort of theraputic counseling for it's student body...you have less people jumping off balconies due to depression that way).


Now. Keep in mind I'm not trying to talk you into keeping the baby. You need to do what is best for you. However, I actually have experience in this arena. Since I was 20, low income, and a college student.

My husband and I chose to have a child in our Junior year of college, both age 20 (I turned 21 while pregnant). We were both full time students and our income was roughly 1000 a month. Plus 600 my husband recieved from the VA due to his father's status as a 100 percent disabled vet.

"Cost of raising" expenses that you see for children are always "until the age of 18" and infant...even a toddler is not as expensive as they are made out to be.

You don't even NEED a crib, highchair, baby bath tub, swing, carrier, etc. What you NEED are some weather appropriate clothing, diapers, a carseat (if you have a car or travel in one frequently), and formula if you decide to go that route. No, you don't even NEED wipes.

And honestly I didn't really blink when we had to buy diapers or wipes or formula, because it just worked into our normal grocery budget. We had an inexpensive stroller that she practically lived in the first 9 months of her life (50 bucks) and we bought a convertible car seat for 70 that she's STILL using.

Granted, I had my husband, we worked our schedules so strictly so that neither of us was in class at the same time. It takes a lot of work and planning but we did it and if you have a plan and something goes haywire at least you only have to deviate from the plan a bit.

Also, a note on WIC and state health care programs. A lot of people consider that taking advantage of the system. Well, Currently my girls are on Healthy Options which is Washington state health care. As a family of four we'd have to make nearly 4k a MONTH for the girls not to qualify. AND they cover children 19 and under. That's nearly 48k a year we'd have to make. These programs are actually CENTERED around the working middle class families that can afford food and clothing etc. but NOT medical insurance (which in the US at least is a TON of people).

And finally, I didn't have a 4.0 GPA before I had my daughter. But I had her in August, two weeks before my senior year and that year, both semesters I got 4.0. So the grades can BE maintained.

I realize there's alot of vagueness here. I guess I'm just not usedto talking about any of this... ever... anyway... this was a rape case and it ended with my teacher telling me that if I told anyone he would just tell them that I came onto him and wanted an A in his class. He said he would make it so the Dean would see me as the stupid whore of a student that wanted my A and then came back to cry later after having gotten what I wanted. It's not my GPA I'm worried about... it's what he can make this situation into... I know I can maintain my 4.0. I'm taking 20 units and I STILL have a 4.0 so I don't really think my GPA will drop that drastically. As for being financially stable, I have enough money to pay for myself and alot left over. I'm not worried about medical bills... once I pay 2000 dollars EVERYTHING else is covered. I pay for expensive insurance and right now I'm really glad that I do. I have money saved in the bank. I've been saving it my entire life, here's the problem: that money was meant for school. If I touch that money the chances of my being able to go to the university I want to go to would be... really difficult... even with the few scholarships I have... As for the money I have left over... it ends up being around 1,000 dollars extra... I'm not sure if that's enough to raise a child on... I'm sure I can manage it, it would just be difficult... I just don't know what I wantto do. I wanted to go for my MD... I don't see myself doing that with a child... but I suppose I can settle for the current job I have now (as a phlebotomist) and work towards becoming and RN or a PA at best... As for counselling... I've been to them before... and it seemed like after they ind out about my history with rape and everything that's all they want me to talk about... and I just can't... SOMETIMES I can talk about it... but... a good lot of the time I can't... what do they really want me to tell them? It started when I was 5, I got pregnant when I was 10 and that was the first indication my parents had that anything was going on, and it would continue to happen... It changed the person I am.. I know it did... I can't very well be the same person I was... no amount of talking will undo the damage that's been done... it's there... it always will be there and I've accepted things that way. I will probably always flinch when ANYONE touches me and I'll probably always be feargful of so many things... there's just so much of me that has been changed and it seemed like my counselor wantedto talk about that for hours on end and I just couldn't... and this is the reason I just never went back... Enough of that though... recently I've met with and talked to a few people who have put their babies up for adoption... the first was a closed adoption and the woman said that she always wonder how he is and where he is, if he's being treated ok. She wonders wht he looks like, when he took his first step, what his first word was etc and that it hurts her to no end to wonder and then know that the chances are that she will never meet her son. The second woman I talked to has an open adopton and she says that she likes being able to know and see her daughter but that it's still painful because in the end she goes home without her... so she likes knowing that her daughter took her first step... but it hurts her to know that she's not there.. she just gts visits every one in a while... she described it more like a torture.. and I am just completely confused now... I don't know what I want...

I have a meeting with the dean in two weeks confused

I really don't think my history will come into play.... the people responsible were convicted and there was really no denying that it was rape in any of the cases... the "rough sex" argument was used in trail but... as far as I know people don't have their partner just about kill them in order to get off... so the jury rejected that concept... they might question why this has happened to me repeatedly but I really don't know. It's not like I dress skanky (as I've heard used with people that say 'she asked for it')... and it's not like a put myself in places where rape or violence of any kind is common. I don't party, or anything like that. Actually all of the times where with people I actually trusted and in my own home...

I think there's one other girl he did this to.. the same thing happened to her... I asked her what she got on her paper and she had the same message I had... about meeting him in his office later. After that she went to class two more days and then she must have dropped. I didn't see her again... and there's no reason, that I know of, that would have caused her to drop... she had As on the exams and the essays just like me.. but I guess I have no way of ever knowing what happened to her, if anything. I'm still confused about what I'm going to do exactly when it comes to my baby...

If you're still worried about what to do about your baby, try talking to your parents, or maybe a close friend whom you trust. You could also talk to your family doctor, a counsellor, or going to a Planned Parenthood clinic. There's also online information about adoption, abortions, and keeping the baby.

Well, my appointment with the Dean was moved up... He called the professor in and fired him basically on the spot. The professor did try saying that I wanted an A and came onto him for it, but the dean said even if that was the case, which he didn't think it was, he's still fired for giving in and that he'll see to it that he never works in another California University--or any other university--if he has anything to say about it. Either way the Dean didn't buy his BS and that was comforting. I think it's mostly because we've seen each other before. I've gotten awards for chemistry and biology and one time I talked to him and we both ranted about Indian territory in Nevada and the EPA and the US government... and I guess he remembered that conversation along with the awards. He asked to see copies of my essays and exams which I got to him later that day. He already had another teacher read them and confirmed that I did A work and would have had no reason to sleep with my teacher. Of course, poliece are now involved so they interviewed me and had me write a statement. It's exactly what I didn't want... I just wanted everything to go away as if it never happened... I know it's selfish but it's what I wanted... but I guess if this will help keep other girls safe then I'll just go along with it. I need to have a blood test done on the baby when it's born (naturally). They'd prefer it done now but it is not required because of risks involved... kind of like my doctor that wants me to do an amnio and I won't let them... they've done an Internal Ultrasound and everything appears fine... I'm not letting them stick a needle in there... I don't want that added risk. I already have a horrible history of premature births. I don't have a court date yet.. but it will be done and I'll just wait and see how it goes. As for my plans... I'm keeping my baby... I know it's alot of work. I raised my baby brothers, I've already done the diapers and the middle of the night feedings and the carrying them around and laying with them... what can I say? I have very uninvolved parents and I somehow ended up raising my siblings. I can handle a baby, I know that I can. I worked out my budget and I should actually be just fine without even touching the money I have set aside for college. Of course, it's no longer my college fund anymore, it's my baby's college fund. Realisitically, I can handle a baby, and also realistically... I can't handle medical school and a baby. And yeah it angers me... I sometimes hate the fact that my dreams are gone and not because I was stupid. Had I been stupid I'd accept this more easily because then it would be an action that I did and that I will be responsible for. The only reason I can accept that my dreams are shattered is because they've changed... they've become new dreams. So I won't be a doctor, but maybe I can be the most awesome soccer mom on the planet. LOL ok... I probably won't be... my life has changed but it's not over... just different...

That's what everyone says but I refuse to lie to myself. I know well that once I leave school it will be over. I won't be going back... not in a few years... not ever. I can say that I plan on it... but honestly... I never will go back and I definately won't have the energy for it 18 years from now. It's just not going to happen.