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Well-versed in sexual debauchery after having been the victim of so many Gaiaaah monthly special vids, Telamichious had the perfect term in mind for this silly, silly creature:

c**k-mongler

Despite his delayed reaction, which could be accounted for as the result of his relatively short attention span outside of battle, he was sure it wasn't too late. He articulated this thought in the form of a world-shattering scream that carried throughout the ballroom. "c**k-mongler! Omi Barsait, the c**k-mongler!"

It was as such that Telamichious discarded his absurd purple hair, an object of Final Fantasy fanaticism on behalf of many disturbingly nerdy Gaians. A nearby starry-eyed teenage girl might have caught the wig, thinking it a bouquet of stringy violets rained down upon her.

"RAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" One might have expected Telamichious to spontaneously grow a head full of butt-length golden hair that defied the questionable gravity that Gaia projected.

In a random outburst of anger and weirdyface hulk-crushing, Telamichious grabbed his tourist garb and ripped it to ribbons. By this time, Spencer was a twitching mess on the floor, occasionally defecating in his undergarments and sobbing to himself while he waited for the inevitable heart attack to come. That would have been a blessing for our dear Spencer, but it would never come. Anyway.

Telamichious grabbed the table next to him, oblivious to the protests of other guests and even to the occasional naked infant that was crawling on the tablecloth, and hurled it through the air. Bitches weren't gonna crash no party of that stone man's. "I challenge you to a duel!" he yelled from behind the food-receptacle-turned-speeding-projectile. His immense strength allowed him to flex granite biceps for onlooking pretty ladies. "If you can't have your precious debacle with Jocasta, you can have it with me." He winked one milky eye, looking like some sort of ******** up crossover between Doctor Manhattan, a Decepticon of some sort, the Jolly Green Giant and the Tin Man and also the Hulk.

"Now let's get groovy," Telamichious murmured. By then, the descending table, cutlery and all, would probably have landed and either crushed Omi or have been deflected.

1/10, put yo game face on!

Doing this post by post, page by page. Each post will be a page, and I'll chip at it as I feel like it. Writing this as I read, so it'll probably seem pretty damn random, but I assure you I am a master.

Mostly doing this because I keep getting told this fight's horrible and I was sure it couldn't be that bad. I'm reading the fight as I write this, first time through. Won't read unless I write, won't write unless I read.

[Cracks fingers.]

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+[Opening Thoughts]: Alright, ******** look like Marshal Law versus ADHD stoned Naruto, but I can't really fault you for this. Damn you Vintrict.

+[Fierach 1]: "and and his head throb," narrator stuttering?! What a travesty. Apparently, James is the guardian, which is fitting giving he looks like ******** Marshal Law- no, I'll stop that. Calls his opponent a moron in narration, and expects us to go to YouTube to play his spiffy music. Get a domain like real fags! (Chest pump.)

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+[Acropilis 1]: Alright you crackhead orange ninja, let's see. The crowd, hot dogs.. what? How did he taste the stand hot dogs, did the fatass go "I'M GONNA GO FIGHT THAT GUY BUT FIRST A CHILI DOG, HERE'S $2?" What a fatass, not only is your character Naruto but he's obese and stoned. Oh, his name's Cyrus, Chrono Trigger. Alright, that's redeeming.

He stretched inside.. of his neck and arms.. little iffy, MORE YOUTUBE BULLSHIT. GET DOMAINS AND GET ON MY LEVEL.

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+[Fierach 2]: James' music drowned out Cyrus' music. That's a d**k move, I don't think the sound team prioritizes music volume on who's theme it is, especially since each fighter could be better known in their respective geographic region or whatever. I and Omi both personally don't know who the ******** either of these people are, neither would we expect the sound team to go "well let's blare Omi's s**t and turn down theirs. biggrin "

Canaan. Dammit, I know the judges cry about long text and I'm gonna get my s**t jumped for my pictures, but paraphrase the back story on this s**t in a quote or something so I know who the hell this is and why I care. Wrong use of "then," is looking like Keanuu Reeves now, and some fire. Alright, I like fire.

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+[Acropilis 2]: Alright, Cyrus is all "I'm a soldier," sporting his bling. Apparently, the music played for like 3 seconds and the crowd gets quiet when you mutter under your breath, so Cyrus could hear everything James said. Doesn't end a sentence with punctuation, I'm glaring, I'm glaring, doesn't put an image in IMG tags but rather links to it so we have to exit the page or open it in another tab, I'm glaring harder.

At least he's preparing two arms' worth of electricity no one can see.

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+[Rhoslyn 1]: Whuhr? A judge? I appreciate the ambiance, but holding up signs saying "******** CYRUS" while giving poor James a band of merry homosexual stomp-noise musicians seems pretty weird. I'm not sure if I'd feel complimented by that or not.

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+[Fierach 3]: James really doesn't like Cyrus. He mad. Six foot guard split, now I know they were walking but the arena isn't that tiny, I ******** hate vague distances at the start of a fight.

Beyond that point I can tolerate it and it's usually good to use rough distances so the fight works more fluid, but when I have no idea where you start and you apparently poke my character in Post 2 because you're magically 6 feet away, that s**t is annoying-

FLASH STEPPING?

Flash Stepping?



This? Is this what you mean? Also, ".." - why is one ellipse underlined and the other not? WHY? ANSWER ME GOD DAMN IT.

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+[Acropilis 3]: Better not ******** disappoint me, that last post got me mad. Let's see. I see the acronym "MP" at the bottom, great. Great. Magic points? Mana points? Military Police, what the hell is that? Anyway, I'd think when someone lunges at me, magic woowoo-Flash Step or no, chuckling then is probably not smart. I'd take that opportunity to do something useful, like .. anything.

Dodged the punch James threw by ducking, why am I not surprised. See, I catch s**t for all the busy work I put in my posts, this is why. James' punch path wasn't really clarified other than being "straight" and towards Cyrus' "throat," but not really telling us where on the throat. This makes a "i dodge" moment very easy for Cyrus.

I digress, god damn it man, all these stances. I don't know the ******** Crane Style, give me a visual, and-

DID CYRUS REPLY TO SOMETHING JAMES -THUNK-? IT WAS IN HIS HEAD, IS CYRUS PSYCHI- wait, I bet he is psychic, alright. An electric Shoryuken from a weird angle, and again external links the image, I'm getting mad. I download at 1.9 MB/s when I pirate things, I don't have that kind of connection so I can be turned aside by s**t that would phase dial-up fags, put it in THE THREAD.

So, each MP gives him an Electric Shoryuken that lasts until it hits something? Fair enough.

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+[Miana 1]: Surprisingly alright. Called the crazy James fetishists girls, told Cyrus and James to shut the ******** up and fight - good charisma, 10/10 and would read again.

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+[Fierach 4]: I dislike quoting the opponent in quote boxes unless it's like.. a past event. But Fierach took it up a notch by either quoting before Acropilis edited it in which case -1 to Acropilis, or ******** up Acropilis' BBCode in which case -1 to Fierach.

Ah, the "I interrupt your sentence and punch you" clause. Classic. Personally, I can multitask, and I make a point your characters can too. But, since it -did- seem like Cyrus was just droning on and rubbing himself, +1 to James for shutting him the ******** up and punching him.

But, as quick as he gets praise, Fierach sets out to get rid of it by immediately and without adjusting his posture whatsoever shoulder checking his opponent. Now another interruption, I call Omi the [artist] or the [Serpentine Manipulation Artist] because they're typically unique terms that make it clear he's who I'm talking about, so I don't just go "and so he, then he, but he, and NOW he" a thousand times.

"the martial artist" however, given they both appear to be martial artists, makes no ******** sense by itself. Yes, it's clear he's referring to James, but c'mon.

And alright, the Path of Violence, the ******** is that? Is that a metaphor for his personality or is that like, a stance he goes into, or is that a power? I really can't tell at this stage.

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+[Acropilis 4]: Weight and height difference is important.. but going "huhr 30 lbs difference your shoulder check did NOTHING" is completely absurd, right off the bat. Also, very little fat? You lying sack of s**t, Cyrus was plopping hot dogs into his fat ******** mouth right before this fight!

Also, weight classes in sport, while applicable, aren't -as- applicable in tournaments like these simply because of the diversity in character race and thus, qualities/durability/etc.

Anyway, Cyrus falls over like a dumbass. "He immediately off his shoulder," what? Got something off his shoulder, got off his shoulder, which shoulder, I ******** swear I'm going to bring up the hot dogs again. Also, while I think James' FLASH STEPPING was retarded, I think if he was anywhere near you, he could probably punish you as you got up.

Also,

"When he was in range (which would be sooner for Cyrus since he had reach)"

Something tells me you're not even sure if that's true or not and are just assuming it because. Which sounds like faggotry.

"towards the left and force it to flow with electricity flamboyantly."

Whole inner monologue earlier about not using it "flamboyantly," then you use it "flamboyantly," dag nabbit.

Dag ******** nabbit.

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+[Fierach 5]: First couple lines should've never been in the post. "huhr so far James haz raeped Cyrus jaems good cyrus bad" - thanks for the update Ertai.

Ah well, at least he made good on what I said. I doubted James was just gonna chill there watching Cyrus get up. I mean man, aside from the faggish introduction, this is my favorite Fierach post by far thus far because it didn't involve garbling male mayonnaise.

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+[Acropilis 6]: Zig-zagging does not give you bonus speed, and whoever told you this needs slapped or their hand shook. Also, my god, here it is. Electric shocking Jame's d**k. Cyrus is not only a morbidly obese ninja, he's apparently homosexual and has two arms of lightning now. Overall, this post was too short/vague, and reeked way too much of "NO U," so as much as Fierach has failed, I'm leaning towards him being in the lead [right now]. I'm sure he'll lose my good graces somehow.

I mean s**t, one paragraph of "I ZIG-ZAGGIN' THEREFORE I SHOCK YO FOOT AND ******** BLAST YOUR s**t," the other paragraph pronouncing victory and talking about future injuries as well as murdered semen James has. That's just a mixture of poor presentation, poor sportsmanship, and poor play.

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+[Fierach 6]: Starts off logically sound. Where are you going to get me pissed at you, Fierach?

"Besides, fry a fire user? Not likely at all." - here it goes, BEING THE WOOWOO FIRE GOD DOES NOT MAKE YOU IMMUNE TO LIGHTNING OR HEAT ITSELF. Fortunately, given the logistics of Acropilis' last post are absurd, this isn't too glaring -yet- although Acropilis did specifically mention both of his arms were charged.

The ******** is "Dou," I ain't Googling it bro, better get to telling me soon or I'm gonna rage on my keyboard.

..Wait, you're going to go "yeah, he pumped electricity through me, I'll GRAB HIS HEAD AND GOUGE HIS EYES?" This seems like a counter "no u," id est: "MY ONE FOOT IS MORE POWERFUL THAN YOUR TWO HANDS' LIFTING STRENGTH COMBINED," although it reeks of Hokuto Shin Ken with the eye poking.

Sudden palm explosions. When was James charging up for this, between his narrator discussing how Cyrus was a stupid poopy-face as dumb as a butt and the crowd ejaculating furiously onto the marble floor for him? Also, why would God have dust, and why would it be fire? I not only dislike that name, but I in fact hate it because it makes no sense.

AS FAGGISH as Acropilis was with his electric double-arm technique, at least he used an MP system and made it clear it was there all these posts. Your s**t kinda sprung out of your balls, possibly literally, in one post with no forewarning of any kind. Also, an "overblast of pressure?"

The ******** are you saying? Literal pressure, like I'm getting pushed on pressure, or mental pressure, like "hey this guy's gouging out my eyes and putting fire on my face, I feel unfortunate?" Horrific burns? What degree, first second or third do you wager? How hot are these flames, how big were the explosions of fire, did they "explode onto the scene" explode or "BANG" explode, how far are they pumping out of his hands, is there anything unnatural about them, is James Ifrit, and again:

The ******** is Dou? Apparently you have powers under it, so it's like a skillset in Devil May Cry 4 or something.

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+[Acropilis 7]: More "no u." Literally, "PHYSICS AND SCIENCE SAY I WIN f**."

"and jump to then backwards" - backwards is not a location, it is a direction!

"he could easily get out of James’s rather short gripping range." - WHAT SUGGESTS JAMES HAS THE REACH OF A ******** HAMSTER THAT YOU'VE SEEN AND I HAVE NOT?

Cyrus proceeds to slap his fat a** in a taunt, again doing more faggotry since I doubt James would just sit there going "OW OW OW OW MY FOOT" and not, you know, do something else. Cyrus proceeds to discuss Taco Bell, which is definitely his highlight thus far in this fight, because Taco Bell sounds very good right about now. I then think back and remember Cyrus was gorging himself on wieners mere minutes prior, probably mustard stains all over his shirt, and my eyes narrow in a fury that he would dare imply [more] food related shenanigans.

Now, bending over and slapping your a** while saying "Cyrus was begging for it" ranks pretty high up there on the scale of f**. I mean, I'm no homophobe, but that's just overtly homosexual to a degree that combined with the ridiculous amount of eating Cyrus has done, it's atrocious.

Also, why did it only take 2 MP before to charge up Cyrus' arms, but now it took 3 MP to seemingly do the exact same thing in one arm? Apparently, an MP a limb had enough power to fry a man (or demon or whatever)'s balls and destroy his leg with the nerves within, so I'm pretty sure 3x that in one arm would kill someone.

I'm going to take this time to glare at Vintrict, because he always implies my character's ability is overpowered, and then always lets Raiden the ******** Ninja in every year who can herald thunder storms. Sick of the RACISM VINTRICT.
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[End of Page 1]

Well, wow. I was told this fight was a cluster ********, and I was not disappointed thus far. One page in, and I've read some silly s**t. Both fighters have done a terrible job IC and OOC, flash-stepped, choked on wieners, rubbed balls, slapped a**, and tried to have a "who can blare their stereo louder" contest with YouTube videos.

Fierach's OOC perpetual and constant s**t talk, his character's abilities and parameters not being clear -at all- IC, and how the s**t talk leaks into his character's actions slam him pretty hard. Also, he butchers post formatting.

Acropilis on the other hand, keeps linking to external images rather than posting them so I can take them in with his writing, initiated the "NO U" arms race by going from two kids throwing rocks to hurling an atomic bomb at James, can read minds and is forgetful of punctuation, and is being really inconsistent with his MP system so far. I'd worry that 3 MP would nuke James into another plane of existence with fairies mouth-raping him, if it wasn't for the fact I'm sure on page 2, Fierach has claimed because he controls fire, lightning burns do nothing more than give him a particularly long erection.

[Page I Verdict]: Fierach's ahead so far. But not by a whole bunch.

I have reason to believe that I will ganked after my fight by the NPC chars that Hael, KB, and Striker have/will bring/brought into my fight in order to godmod a death as they did to Gojira and King Ghidorah in the Exhibition thread. A preventivtive ruling would be appreciated, as I seem to be the target of trolling due to my char's beliefs and my personal preferences.

Thank you in advance.