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 Posted: Mon May 31, 2010 3:05 pm
This is just a little something I spent four hours this evening working on. I put my heart and soul into this, and I hope you enjoy it and can give me some positive feedback? I personally am proud of it, because I wrote from an opinion different than my own. I don't believe in the existence of Hell and suicide leading to a place that isn't Heaven.
Enjoy. <3
Oh, btw, if it's not obvious, it's a monologue.
The Horror of Heaven
tech:[No one is on stage but the man, John, and there are no props. lights are dim until the door]
scene: [man, 60 years old, Caucasian, walking along a dirt path with a black robbed guard]
ACTION
John:
````` Don’t touch me! I can do it myself. (Slowly walks a couple of inches, then stops) I didn’t even do it. I don’t deserve this punishment. I did nothing to deserve this! I’m innocent! (walks more, stops) Do you even care? (shoves guard) No. You’re just here to make sure men like me get to their eternal damnation. (walks…. Walks…. Stops suddenly) What’s the rush, anyways? (flicks hands in air) I’m going to be in freaking hell for all eternity, let me tell my story.
`````( John moves to lower center stage, stands still for a movement, then plucks a leaf from above) I don’t understand how you have Maple trees in this heat. Why don’t you sit down while I educate you on my innocence? (gestures to left center stage) Oh, I’m sorry, or would Lucifer not like you resting on the job?
(Faces audience) I never even touched her. Not once. She would ride her bike past my house every afternoon and I would wave while I was on my front porch reading my paper. She vanished one day, I remember because I was reading about the Phillies winning against the Braves and she didn’t ride past my mailbox like usual. Two days later I woke up to police on my doorstep and here I am, ten years later, dead and on my way to meet my doom. They had this BS evidence that I could, and did, explain, but no – I was a murderer and that was that. I didn’t do anything! I don’t even know what color eyes she had! They never found her body. No one knows what happened to her, so they just assume that I killed her, and now I must be killed too. Well, here I am, dead by a lethal injection straight into the arm!
`````(Sighs and goes back to dirt road, upper right stage) Okay, let’s go meet Satan. (points) Is that the door up there? It looks to white to be the door to Hell. (walks to upper center stage) You open it, my arm still feels funny. (the door is open, John’s eyes grow wide and he grins, as he swirls around left stage with arms in the air)
`````Heaven?! This isn’t Hell? This isn’t Hell! This is Heaven! Holy S- oh my goodness. Wow. (Turns to guard, slugs him in a friendly manner) Hey, nice one, buddy, you had me going there for a minute. (pause) So, God believes that I didn’t do it? Of course, he saw what really happened, and how I had nothing to do with it! But where is Katie? What happened to that little girl? (looks around) Hey, is Katie here? Is she even dead? Maybe she was adducted or…I don’t know. (looks around) Katie? (silence, awkward figiting on John’s end) (then… a wide smile) Katie! (hugs Katie) Oh, my, precious child! Your parents miss you so much, and did you know that they think I did it? That’s why I’m here, they killed me like you were killed by some evil person. Katie, how did you die? What happened? (John looks confused and worried) Katie, please say something… why do you look so scared? (Johns eyes turn to the guard) Hey, don’t touch her! What are you doing? (His eyes travel as they walk together, the little girl and black robbed guard) Why is she crying? Where are you taking her? Hey! (runs to upper left stage, smacks the guard) I’m talking to you! Where are you taking this precious little innocent girl?
`````(John listens, facing audience, and his face changes to scared/shocked. This takes about 5-10 seconds) Hell? You’re taking her to Hell? WHY?! (he listens, and his mouth drops in shock and horror) You…you killed yourself, Katie? Oh…oh my…and now you must spend forever in…in…oh, sweetheart. You’re only ten years old. And you did this to yourself? (He reaches out to her but they are at the door on upper left stage, while John is on center lower) Katie! No!
`````(John releases a big sigh, and he is visibly upset) Suicide is never the answer. Never. And this is what she gets for trying to end her pain, MORE pain. (they leave through the white door) Bye…Katie…(John waves)
`````(Nothing happens for several seconds, as John is sobbing and looking around for comfort) Heaven isn’t…fair. Nor is Hell. I don’t deserve being up here, and dear Katie doesn’t deserve being down there. (stares into audience) And to think, if she could have handled her pain in a better way…she killed herself, a sweet little bike riding 5th grader is dead by her own hand. Did anyone know?
`````I’m not going to enjoy Heaven. This is my Hell.
END SCENE.
[ i realized, after i posted in the poetry section, that maybe this is more of a story? ]
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Posted: Wed Jun 02, 2010 1:18 pm
First of, allow me to clap my hands. Bravo for giving it your all. But getting down to business on some things I think you should/could/would change. There's a slight grammar error here. Quote: (Sighs and goes back to dirt road, upper right stage) Okay, let’s go meet Satan. (points) Is that the door up there? It looks too white to be the door to Hell. (walks to upper center stage) You open it, my arm still feels funny. (the door is open, John’s eyes grow wide and he grins, as he swirls around left stage with arms in the air) That's really pretty much the only grammar error I found. I very much find it intriguing. There's no doubt about that. It's brief and maybe that's what's troubling my mind, but it seems like you can go into greater detail about why the girl committed suicide. The old man seems to just easily let her go. In my opinion it would have been great if the old man put up a fight for her. A way of saying that no matter what she is still a child, and innocence must be fought for and protected. And a way of showing that Heaven and Hell's justice can at times amount to be injustice and that you must fight for what you believe is good/right. Showing that a human's will if strong enough can break any chains. Also I very much liked the ending. Once again. Good job. Please keep up the good work.
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Posted: Wed Jun 09, 2010 2:33 pm
Thank you! I'm glad you liked it.
I think that I spent more time on getting to the unconscious level of the thought and subject matter, and trying to portray the message of the monologue, than I did in making the plot bigger.
I do agree that I could have went in more and explained a bit; but I think that it is a relatively long monologue, and since it is a monologue and not a mini-play, I was unsure of how long I should make it last.
My ideas on why the girl killed herself was because she was being abused. But then that would get into a whole different subject matter, and I was trying to keep the topic on one thing.
I do think I can make John put up more of a fight, though, thanks.
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