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 Posted: Sun May 09, 2010 10:33 am
Introductory
Captain Saydie "Isabella" Dayanita was born in the year of 3009. Electricty was still around those days and the ocean was now acid.
Many lives were claimed by this ocean from the trial and error of making an acid-proof sail boat; Including Isabella's father's.
She swore that she would never die like her father, but as an air sailor.
When she was 9 she was given the chance to design her own AirShip and captain it herself. With this magnifigant chance, she took it and designed the first AirShip ever.
These journals are from Captain Isabella's journals from when she was 18.
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Posted: Sun May 09, 2010 10:43 am
May 17th
My first journal. My first log in my whole life. My mother had only given it to me last month and it gathered dust for a while. Now I found it! And as Captain of the darned ship, I'll write! Besides, this is the first AirShip and I might as well just record what happens around here. I'll sit here, in my quarters, in my AirSuit, with my journal, and I am going to write.
Welcome to the Nightingale.
I have new crew! And its great and all, but I have to teach them! Its annoying when someone messes and and nearly kills us all! But anyway , I've got names to list.
Navigator Navi. Even though he is 13 years old, he has a brilliant mind and can guide us through any storm.
Weaponmaster Rina. She has better experience with weapons than me and the whole crew together. We always need one, just in case.
AirSailor Kau. He's been though all the training to get on this ship and eaisly got on. I've noticed he has a fancy for Rina.
We still don't have a medic. That's very bad, but I think you know that.
As Captain of this first AirShip, I am to set an example for the future. I cannot let anyone touch the acidic oceans at all.
My father may have died in a test ship wreck but he was a respectable ship builder that had dreams of making a ship. His crew- I mean my crew, now grieves for him as I do.
My crew...
I've lost so much last year during the storm.
A hurricane blew in and killed half of them. Now I'm stuck with newbies that have no idea what in the world they are doing.
I wish my father was here today. To see my progress for humanity. But he died ever so suddenly in the accident. Why did he have to go on that test ship? Why did he have to be the one to show me the air, how we can use it for transportation, like a spaceship. But to keep the ancient art of ship making, and in honor of my father,
I've made the first AirShip.
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Posted: Sun May 09, 2010 11:04 am
May 18th
My second entry.
Everyday is threat,
EVERY SINGLE DAY.
But today was some what good.
One new crew member. His name is Wesley.
He just is the medic.
But he'll be in good use.
Really good use. Some of my crew, including me, are sometimes stupid enough to take off our helmets outside.
And the only times we do that is if it is suicide...
Or if your inside with PURE oxygen.
It will kill you, the air. Its like a deadly war between the human race and Earth. A war neither of us will win.
Yesterday, after my last entry, someone dived off the AirShip to save me. I was falling, while I was trying to fix the AirCleaner hooked up to the left side of the ship.
It was beyond terrifying.
And goodness am I greatful for my rescuer.
And guess who it was.
Wesly.
The medic saved me.
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Posted: Thu May 13, 2010 11:23 am
Chinni102 IntroductoryCaptain Saydie "Isabella" Dayanita was born in the year of 3009. Electricty is still around these days and the ocean is now acid. (You jump between past and present tense "was" and "is".)Many lifes ("lives") were claimed by this ocean from the trial and error of making an acid-proof sail boat.. (Ellipsis should be three dots but should only be used if a phrase or words are absent. In this case I'd just use a semi-colon ";") Including Isabella's father's. She swaers ("swears") that she'll never die like her father, (Why is this separated on a different line?)but as an air sailor. When she was 9 she was given the chance to design her own AirShip and captain it herself. With this magnifigant chance, she took it and designed the first AirShip ever. These journals are from Captain Isabella's journals from when she was 18.
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Posted: Thu May 13, 2010 11:30 am
Chinni102 May 17th My first journal. My first log in my whole life. Heck! I've just last year learned how to write and read! Its different now. The world of litterature ("literature") has entered my life and at this rate it'll never leave. And I sit here, in my quarters, in my AirSuit, with my new journal, and I am going to write. (She appears to have advanced an awful lot in one year. Maybe have a more realistic time frame. It would also help to address the question of why she has only just learned to write and read.)Welcome to the Nightingale. Each breath I take is through a gas mask. And evreything ("everything") I touch is covered with a protective glove. (Is she wearing gloves or does everything have some kind of sheeting on it?)It's too poisonus ("poisonous") now 'a days. Even as Captain of this first AirShip, I am to set an example for the future. ("Even as" implies that this is unrealistic, that she is of a lower rank but she's Captain. People should follow her example.) I cannot let anyone touch the acidic air at all. (Why would anyone want to? Is the air and ocean acid now?)My crew... I've lost so much last year during the storm. A hurricane blew in and killed half of them. Now I'm stuck with newbies that have no idea what in the world they are doing. I wish my father was here today. To see my progress for humanity. But he died ever so suddenly in the accident. Why did he have to go on that test ship? Why did he have to be the one to show me the air, how we can use it for transportation, like a spaceship. (Didn't he die in the Ocean?)But to keep the acheint ("ancient") art of ship making, and in honor of my father, I've made the first AirShip.
There are some discrepancies in your plot which you would need to read through the pointers above.
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Posted: Thu May 13, 2010 11:35 am
Chinni102 May 18th My second entry. Everyday is threat, EVERY SINGLE DAY. But today was some what good. One new crew member. His name is Wesley. He 's just is the medic. But he'll be in good use. (Would be better to say "he'll come in handy" or "he'll be useful".)Really good use. Some of my crew, including me, are sometimes stupid enough to take off our helmets outside. And the only times we do that is if it is suicide... Or if your inside with PURE oxygen. ("your insides are full of oxygen". How would this be possible though? Isn't the air acid?)It will kill you, the air. Its like a deadly war between the human race and Earth. A war neither of us will win. (The likelihood is that the Earth is winning as it's killing people easily.)Yesterday, after my last entry, someone dived off the AirShip to save me. I was falling, while I was trying to fix the AirCleaner hooked up to the left side of the ship. It was beyond terrifying. And goodness am I greatful for my rescuer. And guess who it was. Wesl ey. The medic saved me.
Again, syntax issues.
The story has the potential to be really interesting but there's still work that needs doing. <3
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Posted: Fri May 14, 2010 4:03 pm
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
I had an original story called "The Nightingale's Song" but it was about like 1600s or 1700s.
So I'm new to this plot for this story. sweatdrop
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Posted: Sat May 15, 2010 12:55 am
No problem, glad it helps. <3
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Posted: Tue Jun 08, 2010 1:52 pm
elementalWITHIN Chinni102 IntroductoryCaptain Saydie "Isabella" Dayanita was born in the year of 3009. Electricty is still around these days and the ocean is now acid. (You jump between past and present tense "was" and "is".)Many lifes ("lives") were claimed by this ocean from the trial and error of making an acid-proof sail boat.. (Ellipsis should be three dots but should only be used if a phrase or words are absent. In this case I'd just use a semi-colon ";") Including Isabella's father's. She swaers ("swears") that she'll never die like her father, (Why is this separated on a different line?)but as an air sailor. When she was 9 she was given the chance to design her own AirShip and captain it herself. With this magnifigant chance, she took it and designed the first AirShip ever. These journals are from Captain Isabella's journals from when she was 18. ' I think that would be better "swore" than "swears" unless I'm reading your tense incorrectly
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Posted: Tue Jun 08, 2010 1:55 pm
The plot seems strong to me and it has potential, but I think you need some basic training with grammar and diction. It's not something that's hard to learn so you shouldn't have a difficult time with it. Hope this help a little.
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Posted: Wed Jun 09, 2010 1:50 am
xXxRoisin DubhxXx elementalWITHIN Chinni102 IntroductoryCaptain Saydie "Isabella" Dayanita was born in the year of 3009. Electricty is still around these days and the ocean is now acid. (You jump between past and present tense "was" and "is".)Many lifes ("lives") were claimed by this ocean from the trial and error of making an acid-proof sail boat.. (Ellipsis should be three dots but should only be used if a phrase or words are absent. In this case I'd just use a semi-colon ";") Including Isabella's father's. She swaers ("swears") that she'll never die like her father, (Why is this separated on a different line?)but as an air sailor. When she was 9 she was given the chance to design her own AirShip and captain it herself. With this magnifigant chance, she took it and designed the first AirShip ever. These journals are from Captain Isabella's journals from when she was 18. ' I think that would be better "swore" than "swears" unless I'm reading your tense incorrectly Thanks, yes as I highlighted earlier she jumps between tenses but it's really a case of here deciding which tense she wants to write in before I can say which word would be more appropriate.
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Posted: Wed Jun 16, 2010 3:52 pm
You don't address whether starting careers so young is normal in your world. And again with the jumping around with verb tenses.
You're also doing a lot more anecdotal relating of events than storytelling - you might want to check out Tamora Pierce's Terrier for something in a somewhat similar narrative style.
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