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 Posted: Tue May 04, 2010 9:18 am
I have this on another site (link is the picture in my sig) and I want some other input on here. And if you don't believe me, I can prove it somehow. There is some language and suggestiveness-be aware.
________________
Title: The Breeding Center
Genre: Life/Horror
Prologue: The Beginning
A clanging noise echoed through the dark room I call a prison cell. "Alright ladies. You behave properly and you will get as much pleasure as you like."
The door to the cell was opened and light flooded the blackness in a rectangular shape. A silhouette appeared in that rectangular light with the stature of a man with something over his shoulders. He chuckled sadistically and stepped inside, his heeled boots echoing loudly. He brought the rifle to his front and aimed it at the group of women I was among.
"We don't have all day now, ladies. You know the drill."
The other women began filing towards him, a few looking eager. In disgust, I scoffed and turned away, leaning against the cement wall I was near. If I ever got out of this damned facility, I vowed to kill all men that ever came too close to me. They all think they're high and mighty just because of their size and how history tended to treat us women. Men were lucky in this place: they didn't have to worry about being violated like we did.
"Hey, rebel! You'd best be on your way," the man with the rifle said loudly.
Looking over, I saw he was talking to me. I smirked slightly, but didn't budge from my position. "Oh really? And if I refuse?"
He crossed the small room in a few strides and had the barrel at my temple in a matter of seconds. He smirked as well and chuckled slightly. "You refuse and this room will be newly decorated with your pretty little brain." He shoved the butt of the rifle into my side and I keeled over. "Get your a** out there with all the rest of your kind."
The way he said 'your kind' made me want to punch his face in, but he had a rifle and I could guarantee that there were a few other men just outside the cell. With my arm around my stomach, I glared up at the man and staggered towards the light. The sunlight was always appreciated, but its intensity made me shield my eyes. The man shoved the butt of the rifle against my lower back and pushed me forwards towards a cement chute. With a slight groan, I made my way forward, following the other women in my group.
The walk was only a few minutes long, but it was almost unbearable in the scorching heat. Sweat was running down my temples and the hot sand under my bare feet was rather uncomfortable. We were monitored by men walking along the top of the high walls and each man held a rifle like the man who came to retrieve us. I glared at them wishing that one day our positions could be switched. A metallic groan rang out and I turned my attention forward. A large steel door that was probably twenty feet tall was opening much like a garage door would. Most of my group had stopped walking, but I shoved my way forward. They were playing with their hair or whispering excitedly to each other about what was to happen and I hated it. For women being kept against their will by men, they should be angry about the procedure, not excited.
At the front of the group, I found four men standing across the large gap that the door normally occupied. Each--of course--had his own rifle and was standing at the ready. They nodded slightly and stepped aside. Those in the front--well, everyone except me--went running forward, screaming in excitement. Hesitantly, I walked forward and followed the cement wall. The barren area we were in was completely open and surrounded by high cement walls. In the middle of the furthest wall was a large chain-link fenced area. It was completely close, like a wrestling cage and inside the cage were five men. None of them were wearing shirts; an action done to promote reaction among the women. They were called Teasers due to the fact that they teased the women to get the correct reaction.
Leaning against the cement wall as I usually did, I watched in disgust as most of my group rushed the fence, clawing to get to the men. One of the men inside climbed up onto the fence and leaned back slightly, his hair falling towards the ground. Some of the women screamed and jumped up as well. With a laugh, I watched as one woman grabbed one who had climbed and pulled her down. A fight broke out among the two and three men rushed forward, grabbing the women by their hair and pulling them apart. Other men grabbed some of the women and started escorting them to a smaller steel door. Those women were going to get bred and they all looked pleased by it. I shuddered and looked away.
I had been in this place for three years now and still refused to show a proper reaction. The women who showed proper behavior were taken to that room and were allowed sex. Most maiden girls whom were brought didn't know what was beyond the door and would go willingly. By doing so, they get raped. Most don't want the sex; they just want the reward of pleasure and find out that the pleasure the men talk of is not what they expected. Being clever, I found out ahead of time what lay beyond the door and was able to behave appropriately. At first, I warned new arrivals of the fate that would befall them, but none ever listened. So instead, I lean against the wall and watch as maidens and non alike were taken to the room to receive their pleasure.
I would never stoop to that level. I planned on surviving this hell as a virgin; my children will never be raised into such brutality.
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Posted: Tue May 04, 2010 9:19 am
Chapter One: Fate
My head was slammed against the hard wall of the Warden's office. With a groan, I shut my eyes as blood oozed from a fresh wound. My vision was blurry and the pain was swimming in my head, but showing it would only make matters much worse.
"You're quite the rebel, little b***h," the Warden's son growled at me. "You're lucky Father is out on break for a while. If he found out, I'm sure you'd be shot."
Risking another hit, I scoffed. "If I'm so useless, why not just let me go? You'll never get a kid outta me."
His foot connected with my jaw and the back of my head was reintroduced to the wall. The son grabbed my short ponytail and lifted me off the ground. "You're right; we won't get a kid out of you. At least not willingly we won't."
Terror waved through me as I looked up at him, blood dripping from my chin. He was smirking down at me sadistically. My eyes narrowed slightly as I tried to appear sinister and not afraid. "The Warden doesn't allow that kind of treatment."
He laughed curtly. "Father isn't here to defend his precious livestock."
I gritted my teeth at the terminology, casting my gaze back to the floor. My blood was dripping all over the floor in chaotic drops. Had I been in isolation, I would have been drawing pictures in the ooze to avoid boredom and resist the temptation to cry. My vision blurred slightly and the blood was soon joined by hot tears.
"I hate it here," I muttered, wiping my eyes on my bare arm. "Why do I have to be here?"
The Warden's son chuckled darkly. "You were chosen among several women to join this fine program."
More tears mixed with blood as I began crying harder. He laughed loudly and let go of my ponytail. His foot connected with the left side of my face and I fell backwards towards the door. My head hit the door gently, but it was opened moments later and slammed hard into me. The person seemed shocked and kneeled down next to me, lifting me slightly.
"I didn't mean it! I didn't know you were there, I'm so sorry!" he said, completely flabbergasted. His attention turned upwards. "Christ, Kyle! You shouldn't be treating these women so horribly."
The Warden's son scoffed and walked towards the large desk that occupied the back of the room. He sat in the desk's chair and propped his feet up. "She was sent here to be punished, so punish her I did."
The guy leaned me against the wall and glared at the son. "This place really needs to be shut down, Kyle! Don't you see how horrible this is?" He threw his arms out wide. "Women are getting raped, beaten and forced to have children just so your father can entertain himself!"
The son scoffed and his feet fell to the floor. He leaned across the desk with a smirk on his face. "Damian, he's your father too." He leaned back, linking his hands together behind his head. "Too bad you despise this business so much. Father had you lined up for the inheritance."
The guy in front of me clenched his fists. "He's my step-father, Kyle. And even if I had been first in line to take this dump over, I'd never do it."
Kyle laughed loudly. "That's why you're stuck being a Teaser, Damian. You won't help willingly, so we force work out of you." He frowned slightly. "Unfortunately, you do such an inadequate job that most of the other Teasers get frustrated with you. Have you any scars yet?"
Damian's fist slammed into the wall beside him. "What do you care anyway, Kyle? You sit here on your father's throne acting all high and mighty as you watch over women get violated!"
Kyle didn't appear to like that much and shot up from the chair, toppling the furniture over. His face was bright red and his expression was dark and angry. "You are my brother, Damian! I care about you more than you think!"
A knock on the door made Kyle's face pale and Damian jump. I looked upwards at the door and saw a shirtless man leaning against the doorframe.
"I'm not interrupting something, am I?" he asked, stepping into the room.
Kyle took a deep breath. "Just some brotherly bonding...Come on in, Aksel."
I watched as the man walked towards Kyle, smiling at Damian as he passed, but not even glancing at me. He stopped to the right of Kyle. "You called me here for something, right?"
Kyle's eyes flicked to mine and I looked away. Though I was never an obedient or submissive person, his word was law and lashing out in this situation could be deadly. A hand cupping my uninjured cheek made me jump in surprise. The man named Aksel was squatting in front of me with his hand caressing my cheek gently. That gentleness melted away quickly as he began tilting my head in all angles.
"She's not even cute and she's covered in blood. What did she do to deserve this?" His tone was unsympathetic as he turned to Kyle. "What do you want me to do with her?"
Kyle shrugged and walked towards us. He lifted my chin with his foot. "I could care less, man. I called you here cuz I can't kill her, but I also can't take her to that room. Father likes her for some reason and wants to keep her clean until he figures out why."
My eyes widened and I looked up at Kyle. "Your father likes me?"
Both Kyle and Aksel frowned at me, Aksel shoving me sideways by the side of my head. As if I didn't have a big enough headache already, my head slammed into the cement floor and I groaned.
"Seeing as you have entrusted me with her, I shall teach her some manners." He rose from his spot and grabbed my arm, pulling me up as well. "Maybe she'll be a perfect, obedient, angel by the time your father returns."
Kyle smirked widely and I glanced at Damian frantically. He had remained silent throughout the exchange and had a look of pure shock on his face. It melted quickly and he grabbed my free arm.
"You can't do this, Kyle! Just because Aksel is your friend, you can't give him this girl and expect her to come back clean!"
I shuddered violently at the images that flooded into my head. A tug on the arm Aksel was holding caused me to fall towards the door. Damian was forced to let go by Aksel's fist and staggered back slightly, clutching his cheek wide-eyed.
"Your brother gave her to me to do as I please," Aksel said as he straightened his posture. "Don't interfere where you don't belong."
Damian gritted his teeth and looked like he was about to lunge at Aksel, but Kyle threw his arm around his brother and waved at Aksel. "Go on, now. I'll handle my little brother."
Aksel's arm wound around my shoulders and he turned to the door, leading me into the hallway leading away from the Warden's office. "Let's have some fun, shall we?"
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Posted: Tue May 04, 2010 6:56 pm
Very good start. I really like the premise so far, actually. Your views as an author are clearly present here, which is a good thing. But I noticed you have a lot of word padding. A lot of words you could easily ax, and it would sound a lot better: Quote: The way he way he said , 'your kind' made me want to punch his face in, but he had a rifle and I could guarantee that there were a few other men just outside the cell. vs. Quote: The way he way he said 'your kind' made me want to punch his face in. He was the one with the rifle, though, and I could guarantee that there were a few others armed much the same. Or: Quote: Men were lucky in this place: they didn't have to worry about being violated like we did. vs. Quote: Men were lucky in this place; they didn't have to worry about being violated. "[L]ike we did" is rather implied, so the word padding there is unnecessary, as well. Even "in this place" is pretty obvious, too. You made it clear already that they were in a special prison facility. Wordy =/= better. It's a common mistake, but oftentimes, simplicity is best, especially in prose like this. In general, you should think about using more interesting verbs, too. Passive voice is also a bit problematic here, too. E.G. "We were monitored by men" takes a few extra nanoseconds to comprehend than, "The men monitored us like hawks," or something. Passive voice makes it harder to understand what is doing the action because the actor is not the subject. (The classic example is, "Mistakes were made," to which some would reply, "By whom?") It has its purpose, don't get me wrong, but you should watch how much you use it in prose. It's more fit for speeches and legalese than descriptive fiction. I rather liked your opening sentences, though. They both come in with a bang, especially in chapter one. Very enjoyable start, I must say. Don't be discouraged because of my potentially jackasserous comments. XD
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Posted: Thu May 06, 2010 9:08 am
"Jackasserous comments"? No way, just honesty smile
Thanks for the suggestions and the explanation. It helps a lot to know what people are really thinking. For the most part, the site I have this story on, the people just say "oh I really like it, update!!!" and it's not very informative.
So again, a big thanks mrgreen
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Posted: Thu May 06, 2010 9:17 am
Scraps 2-point-0 - there's nothing "jackasserous" about a good critique biggrin
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Posted: Sun May 09, 2010 8:43 am
Haha, good to know. Sometimes I do worry about what I say, though. XD
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Posted: Sun May 09, 2010 8:47 am
Scraps 2-point-0 Haha, good to know. Sometimes I do worry about what I say, though. XD As do we all. Ultimately though, if someone wants a good and helpful critique they need to accept it's not all going to be positive. Personally, I'd rather a harsh critique so I know where I'm going wrong rather than a p***y-footed "Yeah it's alright, keep at it" kind of response. The latter helps noone.
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Posted: Wed May 12, 2010 12:26 pm
CRITIQUEGreenEyedMonster000 I have this on another site (link is the picture in my sig) and I want some other input on here. And if you don't believe me, I can prove it somehow. There is some language and suggestiveness-be aware.________________ Title: The Breeding Center Genre: Life/Horror Prologue: The BeginningA clanging noise echoed through the dark room I call a prison cell. "Alright ladies. You behave properly and you will get as much pleasure as you like." (Good opening, sparks lots of questions from the reader.)The door to the cell was opened and light flooded the blackness in a rectangular shape. (Too wordy, try: "As the door to dark cell opened, light flooded the entrance.") A silhouette appeared in that rectangular light with the stature of a man with something over his shoulders. (Again too wordy.) He chuckled sadistically and stepped inside, his heeled boots echoing loudly. He brought the rifle to his front and aimed it at the group of women I was among. "We don't have all day now, ladies. You know the drill." The other women began filing towards him, a few looking eager. In disgust, I scoffed and turned away, leaning against the cement wall I was near. If I ever got out of this damned facility, I vowed to kill all men that ever came too close to me. They all think they're high and mighty just because of their size and how history tended to treat us women. Men were lucky in this place: they didn't have to worry about being violated like we did. "Hey, rebel! You'd best be on your way," the man with the rifle said loudly. Looking over, I saw he was talking to me. I smirked slightly, but didn't budge from my position. "Oh really? And if I refuse?" He crossed the small room in a few strides and had the barrel at my temple in a matter of seconds. He smirked as well and chuckled slightly. "You refuse and this room will be newly decorated with your pretty little brain." He shoved the butt of the rifle into my side and I keeled over. "Get your a** out there with all the rest of your kind." (Her comments make me think she's been there for a while so she should know the consequences of her actions.)The way he said 'your kind' made me want to punch his face in, but he had a rifle and I could guarantee that there were a few other men just outside the cell. With my arm around my stomach, I glared up at the man and staggered towards the light. The sunlight was always appreciated, but its intensity made me shield my eyes. The man shoved the butt of the rifle against my lower back and pushed me forwards towards a cement chute. With a slight groan, I made my way forward, following the other women in my group. The walk was only a few minutes long, but it was almost unbearable in the scorching heat. Sweat was running down my temples and the hot sand under my bare feet was rather uncomfortable. We were monitored by men walking along the top of the high walls and each man held a rifle like the man who came to retrieve us. I glared at them wishing that one day our positions could be switched. A metallic groan rang out and I turned my attention forward. A large steel door that was probably twenty feet tall was opening much like a garage door would. Most of my group had stopped walking, but I shoved my way forward. They were playing with their hair or whispering excitedly to each other about what was to happen and I hated it. For women being kept against their will by men, they should be angry about the procedure, not excited. At the front of the group, I found four men standing across the large gap that the door normally occupied. Each--of course-- (this distracts from the action and is unnecessary) had his own rifle and was standing at the ready. They nodded slightly and stepped aside. Those in the front--well, everyone except me-- Parenthesis or commas would work but I think it would be better to rephrase: "Everyone but me ran forwards, screaming with excitement.")went running forward, screaming in excitement. Hesitantly, I walked forward and followed the cement wall. The barren area we were in was completely open and surrounded by high cement walls. (You've mentioned cement walls a couple of times already...) In the middle of the furthest wall was a large chain-link fenced area. It was completely close, like a wrestling cage and inside the cage were five men. None of them were wearing shirts; an action done to promote reaction among the women. They were called Teasers due to the fact that they teased the women to get the correct reaction. Leaning against the cement wall as I usually did, I watched in disgust as most of my group rushed the fence, clawing to get to the men. One of the men inside climbed up onto the fence and leaned back slightly, his hair falling towards the ground. Some of the women screamed and jumped up as well. With a laugh, I watched as one woman grabbed one who had climbed and pulled her her? down. A fight broke out among the two and three men rushed forward who fought? Adjust structure using punctuation so we know who is involved and who does what.), grabbing the women by their hair and pulling them apart. Other men grabbed some of the women and started escorting them to a smaller steel door. Those women were going to get bred "going to breed" and they all looked pleased by it. I shuddered and looked away. I had been in this place for three years now and still refused to show a proper reaction. The women who showed proper behavior were taken to that room and were allowed sex. Most maiden girls whom were brought didn't know what was beyond the door and would go willingly. By doing so, they get raped. Most don't want the sex; they just want the reward of pleasure and find out that the pleasure the men talk of is not what they expected. Being clever, (This sounds very arrogant.) I found out ahead of time what lay beyond the door and was able to behave appropriately. At first, I warned new arrivals of the fate that would befall them, but none ever listened. So instead, I lean against the wall and watch as maidens and non alike were taken to the room to receive their pleasure. I would never stoop to that level. I planned on surviving this hell as a virgin; my children will never be raised into such brutality. (Earlier in the piece you say you hate men and want to kill them but here you say you actually want children...) Also, take into consideration Scraps comments on addressing lengthy sentences when the shorter versions would sound better.
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