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It started off like any other day.
I dragged myself out of the warm, comforting bed that seemed to sing my name in the form of a soft lullaby, tempting me to return to the land of dreams. I sighed and refused to listen to the soothing thoughts of sleep. I groaned as I looked at the clock. Like everyday it read 5:30 A.M. And like everyday, I grabbed a tank top, a pair of jeans and a random zipper sweatshirt, and walked into the bathroom. Like everyday, the water pouring out of the faucet took forever to heat up, and when it finally did, I was already done with my shower. Like everyday I burned my bagel on accident, and like everyday I would think I would be more thoughtful and actually take the bagel out of the toaster at the right time. Like everyday I walked down the street and to the corner of Smithdale Avenue and Opal Road and waited for my bus. As I waited there, like everyday, I thought about school, tests, fencing practice, my friends and him. Devon. My x-boyfriend that I still was in love with. He broke up with me out of the blue; the day after a date we had and he had told me it was the best night of his life.
“That was two weeks ago, Danni,” My friend Alison had told me yesterday, “You gotta let him go. He’s obviously a jerk who can’t see how great you are, and he doesn’t deserve your tears.” I just smiled and gave her a hug in thanks. But I still felt worthless. I felt like I was a horrible person who did something so horrible to Devon that he had broken up with me; and I didn’t even know what I did. That’s the worst part. I had no clue what was wrong. And the way he did it. The way he ended it; it killed me. It hurt me more, not that he broke up with me, but the way he did it. I was in the middle of English class when I got his text message.
Meet me in the cafeteria, it had said. He had lunch that period. So, I did what he asked. I walked down that hallway with a bright smile, unable to wait to see him. His soft brown eyes, messy black hair and Italian tan skin. And he had this smile. This smile that made anyone fall in love with him with a first glance. But once I got there, he walked up to me with a rare, serious face.
“Hey Dev,” I greeted warmly, reaching up to give him a kiss on the cheek. But he took a step back. That step back dug a sword of ice into my veins, “What’s… What’s wrong?”
“Sorry, D,” He said flatly with no emotion, “We’re done.” Devon gave me one last look, and walked away. No explanation, no reason, no evidence of emotion at all. He just walked away.
I sighed as I though about the break up, and I forced the tears back. Golden blonde hair whipped into my eyes as the wind blew around me, wrapping my body in a cold blanket. But I didn’t mind. I didn’t really feel the cold now a days.
Like everyday, I got onto the bus and sat in the same seat; third one on the right. I waited until the bus got to Alison’s stop before I actually spoke any words.
“Hey, Danni,” She greeted with a smile. I smiled back.
“Hey there.” She sat down next to me and brushed the snow off her dirty blonde hair.
“Ughh, why can’t summer kill the winter already?” She complained and gave a small shiver.
I chuckled, “I’m pretty sure spring comes before summer, anyway.”
“Always gotta be the smart one, huh?” She laughed.
I shrugged, “It’s a gift.”
“Hey did you hear about the new kid?” She asked with a spark of excitement surging in her bright blue eyes.
I shook my head, “Nope. Who is it?”
“I think his name is Seth,” Alison started to explain, “But according to Madison, he really cute!”
“According to Madison half the 10th grade guys are really cute,” I laughed.
“Well, I can’t argue with that,” Alison shrugged and smiled.
“Why do either of you care, anyways?” I asked curiously, “You both have a boyfriend.”
“Yes, but youdon’t,” Alison smiled. Half the smile was excitement, while the other half was a little devilish.
“Ohh no,” I shook my head, “I’m not ready for a guy. Not yet. In fact, not for a while,” I said firmly.
“Oh, come on, D,” Alison pleaded, “You know you miss going on dates and having a boyfriend. Don’t let… him turn you into a social rock.”
“I am not a social rock,” I said flatly, “I’m…I’m just not ready to date. That’s all.”
Alison gave a short sigh, “Well, you’re way too stubborn to change your mind any time soon, so I won’t bother.”
“Hey, I’m not stubborn!” I complained, but laughed. Alison laughed along as we pulled up to the high school.
Like everyday, I went to math for first period. After that was history, then English, then science. It wasn’t until sixth period where “Like everyday” changed.
“Class,” My teacher, Ms. Volie said. This period was music. But its not like band or orchestra. We didn’t play concerts or practiced for them. We got to play whatever instrument we wanted and practiced song writing and creating. “We have a new student to our district.”
I then noticed a boy, my age, standing behind her. He was taller them me buy two or three inches, I guessed. He had a light coloring to his skin, which was covered by a white T-shirt with paint splatters in various colors across it, and blue jeans that half covered a pair of black sneakers. I thought he must have been and athlete, because he had well built, broad shoulders with strong arms attached to him. His hair was a sandy blonde coloring that just reached his eyes. His eyes. They were a strange coloring…but not in a bad sense. They were a shade of blue…but a different shade. Not like a blue you would normally think of. They were a light, bright blue with an icy touch that didn’t give you a cold feeling. They were very… angelic.
“This is Seth Winters, everyone,” Ms. Volie announced, “I’m sure you will treat him nicely and respectfully.” The class nodded. I looked over to a group of girls who included girls named Kaitlyn, Lauren, Caroline, and Vanessa. They all starred at this new boy with eyes of interest and exploded with feelings of wanting.
“Desperate idiots,” I muttered softly to myself. I had to admit that, yes, this new boy Seth was very good looking. But looks didn’t matter at all in my book. In fact, I normally don’t like great looking guys off the bat. They have to prove to me that they aren’t jerks or players, and that they are somewhat caring in someway.
“Ok, so Seth, which instrument do you play?” The teacher asked her new student.
“Um a couple,” He answered in a smooth voice, “Drums, piano…mainly guitar, though.”
“Alright, well there’s an available acoustic guitar back there,” Ms. Volie pointed. I thought she was pointing to me, but I looked behind me to see the guitar propped against the wall, waiting to be played. Seth nodded and walked to the guitar. I shook my head, lost in my own thoughts. I opened up my case, and pulled out a blue crescent bass guitar. I couldn’t help but smile as I carefully felt the stings with eager fingers, waiting to play the beautiful string instrument.
“That’s a nice bass,” A voice said. I looked up to see Seth standing beside me with a smile. His smile…it reminded me of Devon’s.
“Umm, thanks…” I said, waiting for him to fill in his name.
“Seth,” He chuckled, and sat down beside me, “And you?”
“Danielle,” I gave a slight smile back, and took the cord and plugged it into the nearest amp.
“So, how long have you been playing?” He asked me with curiosity.
Without looking at him, “Eight years,” I replied, and started tuning the four stings to their correct tone.
“Wow, that’s impressive. You must like it a lot.”
Something in me felt compelled to yell at this boy to go away. I didn’t want to, but I didn’t feel like talking to him. “Yeah, I love it. But actually, I don’t wanna seem rude or anything, but can we talk another time? I want to concentrate on my music.”
Seth didn’t look hurt or taken back, which is what I wanted. He simply smiled and nodded. “Sure, I respect that.” Even if he didn’t seem upset, there was a small sound in his voice, for a split second that suggested he didn’t want to leave. But Seth got up and walked away. I sighed, and started playing a random song that came to mind.

--Seth’s Point of View--
Wow. I can’t believe it. She turned me away…that’s…new.
I sat across the room from Danielle, mindlessly strumming at the guitar. I watched her concentrate on her bass. She had light skin, lighter than mine. Her hair was a rare, sun-kissed golden that fell halfway down her back. Her chin-length side-bangs covered part of the left of her face, which contained two blue eyes that were mesmerizing. They were an ocean blue with a touch of green around her pupils, unlike any other I’ve seen. She was gorgeous, yet, acted like she was just some other cute girl. I looked to the other corner of the room to see a group of six or seven girls giggling and staring at me with smiles and various colored eyes of interest. They were all pretty; but the problem was they acted like it. They acted pretty, in other words, they were probably snobby. I gave them a small smile and a wave. A small squeal of happiness came from each one of them, followed by more giggles. I let out a small sigh and waited for the end of the period to come. I noticed that I was watching Danielle for most of the time.
And not once did she look over at me.
The only other classes I had with Danielle were chorus 9th period and lunch 8th period. I attempted to talk to her, but she walked away like she hadn’t seen me. And maybe she didn’t. Danielle seemed to get very caught up in her thoughts, oblivious to her surroundings. Then again, maybe she had seen me. Maybe she didn’t like me, for some reason. Or perhaps she was nervous or scared of talking with me. Maybe she wasn’t a huge social person. Yet, every time I’ve seen her in the hallway, she was with a new face, but with the same amount of enjoyment. All these thoughts buzzed in my head as I walked home, squinting as the snow fell into my face and eyes. Though, I shouldn’t care about her. I could get any one of those girls in that school. I knew I could. But then again, I wasn’t really suppose to be involved with love. That wasn’t my job, after all.
I turned the corner and to the second house on the right. It was a nice house, I suppose. The two story house covered in a dark green paint stood in front of me, and the dark brown wooden door was cracked open. I guess Kwela noticed I forgot my key…again.
“I’m home,” I called as I walked into the house, shaking the snow out of my sandy hair. I heard footsteps coming from upstairs, and then on the stairs as someone walked down them. I saw the tall man with short brown hair styled neatly with a light layer of gel. Two brown eyes looked at me, with a welcoming smile underneath them. “Hey, Kwela,” I smiled back and greeted him.
“Hello, Seth,” He said, and grabbed my coat, putting it in the closet across the room. “How is this new school?”
“Its good,” I said simply, and put my backpack on the table in the next room; the kitchen.
“Anyone interesting?” Kwela asked, still in the other room. I stopped and blinked.
“No…why?” I asked, disguising my nervousness.
“Its why your there, remember? To search for others,” Kwela replied walking in to the kitchen and giving me a confused look.
“O-Oh, right. Um no, not that I’ve noticed,” I’d forgotten about the mission.
“Well, don’t get distracted,” Kwela warned, “You’re there to find others and deliver the message.”
“Right…no distractions,” I nodded, and walked over to the fridge to open it and grab the carton of milk.
“I say you get the job done quickly,” Kwela said, grabbing a bag of chips, “There wasn’t a strong presence of them here, anyways. Just use the Harp.” I stopped and looked up as him.
“You sure? With all those Mortalises around?”
“Well, a few of them aren’t. The Harp will only draw the ones we're are looking for to you. The search will be quick and easy, and then we can move on,” Kwela answered with confidence.
“And it won’t draw any Evertos?”
“Well, there was no reports of them even here…but I don’t think the Angel’s Harp with attracted them.”
“Then I’ll try it,” I looked at Kwela and nodded.
“Good,” Kwela replied, satisfied, “Oh, you should head to the mall when you get the chance.”
“Why? Evertos?” I asked, suddenly interested in what Kwela had to say.
He nodded, “Yes, a strong presence of them.”
“Well, it’s a mall,” I pointed out, “They are still teenagers; Evertos or not.”
“I suppose,” Kwela sighed, “But you should still keep an eye on the mall. The Daemns may be allowed to roam there, but if they cause the slightest bit of trouble – especially to Angeluses – then you need to take action.”
I felt an uncontrollable smirk form on my lips. “Will do. I just polished Ensis.”
Kwela let out a small laugh of amusement, “You and your weapon.”
“For now and forever,” I smiled.

CRITIQUE



Ok, first off. A lot of the initial attractions and school relationships seem very reminiscent of Meyer and P.C Cast. Might be best to take another look at attitudes and reactions - you don't want it to turn into another teen angst novel/story.

Your piece would also benefit from having another look at how you describe people, settings and emotions. At present, I understand what you're trying to convey but the wording needs a rewrite.

There seems to be odd bits of information that you've thrown in, like the obsession with eye colour and all the random creatures later in the piece but it's not explained.

I'm also not a fan of abrupt view point changes just for the sake of making it easier to describe what he's thinking. Try and convey a lot of it with describing his reactions, how he speaks, how he carries himself etc. You get the point of who he is and that he's intrigued with her, purely from him approaching her, not the others.

I think it's a piece that has a lot of potential given the context - it's a popular topic at present. Try not to mimic another's work though.

Hope you have fun with it!

How have you gotten away from Twilight? lol. Do you live in a bubble? I think everyone I've met is aware of the story (if not read it) whether they like it or not...

Meyer is the author of twilight, P.C Cast is the author of a set of books about a school that's "marked" to be a vampire and she has to join "The house of Night" which is an exclusive vampire school.

It might be worth going into detail about eyes colours later on when it's mentioned about what eye colour signifies, at the moment it just seems like lingering on insignificant details. By all means, when they do look each other in the eye it's fine to describe what the narrator sees but it can be much more subtle... (link to a site that describes eyes, eye colour etc here )

Just to note that if you really have to change point of view (and you feel there is no way around it), make sure that the new narrator is placed in a separate chapter. I know at the moment you have them separated but I don't know if it's just divided in the one chapter or separate.

I think once you've got everything down (or most things) that you want to convey, you may very well feel like going back and cutting a lot of the day-to-day activities out. Always ask yourself, "what is this story about? what does this part of the story add to the piece? does it prove my premise or at least support/lead to my overall views about this story?"

Hope this all helps!

I was like that in school. I think I went about 4 years before I saw Lord of the Rings... I actually loved it though... I'm not a fan of hype - I'm usually disappointed.

Glad it all helped though! <3