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 Posted: Sun May 02, 2010 9:45 am
The Host: Adam Wood
The Cavalier: Andonis / Deiphobus
Background / ETC
What I am looking for?:
Another virtue and flaw for Adam Wood and another virtue and flaw for Andonis / Deiphobus.
Also normal critique would be awesome.
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Posted: Sun May 02, 2010 9:46 am
Name: Adam Wood
Nicknames: -
Gender: M
Age: 17
He failed grade three after the death of his mother. He was unable to handle the stress of her death and didn't do any work or pay any attention to anything the teacher said. He went to school, smashed his face into his desk and stared off into the green depths of the chalkboard until the bell rang for him to leave.
Birthday: April 4
Sign: Aries
Gemstone: Carbuncle
Blood Type: O-
School: Hillworth Grammar School
It was a miserable rainy afternoon when Adam was eight. His parents came to pick him up early from his fencing class because he lied to them and told them he was feeling ill, and then begged them to come get him. The rain was pretty bad, and an incoming car smashed into their vehicle. He survived the crash with a few minor cuts on his arms and one serious cut over the bridge of his nose, and his father with a broken arm but his mother was not as fortunate and did not make it out of the car alive. Ultimately, he blames himself for the death of his mother. Frankly, so does his father. This is the main factor in why they don't get along, so when a teacher at his school when he claimed Adam attacked him on multiple accounts his father agreed it was definitely in his nature to harm another human. Later that month, Adam was transferred to Hillworth Grammar School For Boys From Broken Homes.
Fav. Food: Curry Noodles
Hated Food: Potato Salad
Hobbies:
Observation -- He often can't bring himself to communicate properly with people so he'll often observe them. He can learn more about them and it often makes dealing with being around them easier. He finds it interesting to see how people react to certain things and actions. Who needs to watch birds when you can watch people? He finds them fascinating and wishes he were better at talking to them. It's not creepy or anything.
Singing -- Adam really enjoys to sing, even if he's absolutely. terrible. at it. It was an activity his mother used to do with him when he was younger. She'd often sing him lullabies or take him to the park to listen to the birds and join them in song. You can unfortunately hear him singing very loudly in the shower, and often when he thinks he's alone. It is a very relaxing thing for him, and it's something he does without even realizing. Of course, everyone around him realizes and wishes he would too.
Swordplay -- It started back when he was younger. His parents enrolled him into a fencing class. He wasn't very interested in it then but after the death of his mother he started to focus on it. His lack of interest in it was what made him lie and cause the accident. Now he is determined to be the best he can be at it. He still takes a fencing class every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. He's very serious with it, often practicing in the park with branches that have fallen from the trees when he does not have class. He finds it allows him to focus and block out the stress of the real world.
Track and Field -- Adam's favourite and best school activity. It's not really a defense mechanism to be able to run away from girls, not at all. Even if he specializes in long distance running followed by hurdles. Adam would love to win a marathon someday.
Virtues:
Diligence -- Once he starts something he won't stop until he finishes it. If one day he stops at the side of the road to assist a little girl in rescuing her kitty cat Mr. Snookums then he will stay there trying to get the cat until he finally does. After he rescues Mr. Snookums, he will stay until the girl has stopped crying and has left. He will make sure it's thoroughly completed before moving on. If he has to push the extra mile to finish something then he will do so with a stupid grin on his face. He will keep going until his body finally collapses from exhaustion if he has to. That's how you do a good job!
Honesty -- Ever since the day he lied to his parents about feeling ill so they'd come pick him up early, he has found out the consequences of lying. The severe consequences. He'll never know what would have happened if he didn't, so he has to assume it only happened because he lied. He likes to tell the truth, even if it can get him into trouble. Sometimes he struggles with making the choice to, but deep down he wants to be honest. He won't force the truth on someone's behalf, but he will try and convince them to do so themselves.
Karma -- Adam will help just about anyone, even people who have wronged him before. Treat others how you wish to be treated. He wants to gain as much good karma as he can and to do so he will put aside his own needs to help someone else and gain that one small drop in his karma jar. Doing good deeds makes Adam feel like he's making right with the world for his mistakes and makes him feel less inept at everything else. If he can help someone else, he can certainly help himself.
Flaws:
Indecisive -- Would you like your eggs soft, medium or hard? Would you like peanut butter or jam on your toast? Would you like to go home early in the rain because you're not feeling well and cause the death of your mother? Emotionally traumatized, Adam has a hard time making a clear decision out of fear it'll be the wrong one. You can tell him a dozen times it is only an egg and it really doesn't matter how you eat it but he'll still spend an excessive amount of time choosing, and even after he sends his order back he'll be thinking "Maybe I should have gotten it the other way." He doesn't want to have regrets with his choices anymore.
Withdrawn -- Adam is more withdrawn emotionally than he is physically. He doesn't mind being around people. All his favourite activities involve other people and although he's often awkward around others he loves to observe them. He is quiet but not so quiet that he will not speak up when necessary, he just won't speak needlessly. The less needless words the less questions there will be and the less he has to explain. He certainly doesn't talk much about himself, and is very aloof in his disposition. Adam fears the past will repeat itself and he will once again be the leading cause of harm to a person he cares about. To help prevent this Adam is withdrawn, especially to women, so that he doesn't hurt them like he hurt his mother. He is afraid if he loves something that it will be once again taken away by his own hands. If he becomes too attached to a girl he tends to push himself away from them, or if that doesn't work, manipulate them into pushing him away.
Doesn't Trust Own Judgement? Self Conscious? (writing idea here so I don't forget)--
--
PHYSICAL DESCRIPTION
Eyes: Amber, neutral.
Hair: Ivory, medium: bangs to one side, messy.
Face: Boyish, soft complexion: a large scar over the bridge of his nose.
Body: Fit.
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Posted: Sun May 02, 2010 9:47 am
Cavalier: Deiphobus, Cavalier of the Outskirts
Challenge:
Weapon: Rapier
Name: Andonis
Nicknames: -
Gender: M
Age: 16
Birthday: April 4
Sign: Aries
Gemstone: Carbuncle
Blood Type: O+
Fav. Food: Pork Stew
Hated Food: Gruel, and anything with the consistency of gruel; Oatmeal; Porridge
Hobbies:
Gaia -- IS THE MOST AMAZING THING EVER. Both the land and the senshi, but mostly the senshi. He loves the way her beautiful hair blows in the wind. His eyes are perpetually on her, often watching her from afar. His strong exterior can be easily be turned into a pile clay from a single look from her beautiful violet eyes. He certainly doesn't deserve to touch her though, despite how much he wishes to. He gets as close as he needs to be, often sometimes against his will. The outskirts and the clay are often found hand in hand, and he hopes that maybe someday he'll be able to take hers.
Fencing -- A passion, a skill and a distraction. First and forth most, fencing is Andonis' passion. He loves everything about the art down to the sound the weapon makes when it cuts through the wind. After that it is a very important skill that helps him do his duties with utmost confidence. Last but not least fencing has become a distracting from the cruel workings of the world from the hell his father put him through to passing time on a boring day.
Observation -- He often prefers to be at the outer edge, his position on the very boundary of the area he's in since he can see everything from this vintage point. It gives him a good understanding of his surroundings and he finds it very interesting to see how people react to certain things and actions. Of course, all the cavaliers know his favourite thing to observe is Gaia. He's just hopes doesn't she know yet.
Tracking -- He's become very adept at understanding the landscape during his time spent there. He has observed animals and he's able to figure out what went through an area and what it did by their signs, tracks, path taken, sounds and scents and other animal behaviourism. So if a bunny ran off with your ribbon? No problem, Andonis can help you with that! He'll track down that bunny and retrieve your ribbon for you before you can say "hippity hop". It's no trouble at all. It doesn't have to be a bunny either! Feel free to spice things up. Find that crocodile that took your bunny? No prob--what? I'm sorry miss but there is no finding that bunny anymore...
Virtues:
Honesty -- He doesn't lie. Period. He doesn't even like white lies. Or lies that make people feel better. If you ask him what he thinks of your new hair cut it better be THE MOST AMAZING THING EVER or you might be in for an unpleasant shock. He's really thankful that Gaia has the most beautiful hair he's ever seen and can honestly tell her so. Perhaps he just likes to face reality, no matter how dark it is. How else can you over come the shadows of the moon? As awful as hearing the exact truth can be, it is much better than having someone beat around the bush. You cannot fix something if you are unaware, you cannot become better if everyone tells you you're great.
Down to Earth -- The sky is falling, the sky is falling! Don't panic. It'll be okay. Let's go stand somewhere a little more safe and we'll figure this out calmly. He's a very realistic person and keeps a level head in any sort situation from the falling sky to a hot Gaia calling his name. He's not the kind of person who will float off into the air if you don't tie him down. His feet are heavily planted on the Earth right where they should be.
Strong Willed -- Andonis has become adept at being strong willed. Whether is was standing tall and still as a tree, climbing that tree, hiding from his father, confronting his father, protecting his mother, keeping a distance from Gaia, or just withstanding idiots in general, he has had plenty of practice at stopping himself and saying no. If he has a task to attend to then he will set aside everything else to do it. He is determined to do it, and do it better than everyone else. He will look you down right into the eyes. He will not yield, he will not back down.
--
Flaws:
Easy to Read -- Andonis practically wears his heart on his sleeve, which just isn't very safe when you're running around with a rapier. Whether he's happy or he's sad it's going to be very easy to tell. Here is a happy face "(:" and here is a sad face "):". If he's annoyed then it's really going to be easy to tell because he's probably trying to shove his rapier down your throat to get you to shut up. If he's upset, run. He's in no mood to play humour the idiot.
Judgmental -- There's a reason Andonis keeps a distance from people and watches them and that's mostly because he's extremely judgmental. People are idiots and you're just not going to change his mind. That person has filthy shoes. That person needs to iron their pants. Are the princes really doing that? Why won't those kids shut up? Once his mind is set on something it's nearly set in stone and you're going to need a bulldozer or maybe a meteor to break that.
One Track Mind -- Your attention please, next stop Gaialand. Please be careful not to fall head over heels on the way out. If he's not doing something worth anything, or productive at all then he's probably thinking of her -- or better yet, watching her to make sure she's safe. She's truly his Achilles heel. Oh man, her in heels? That's just amazing. Other than his thoughts on Gaia, he tends to focus on one thing at time. He is fighting, he is eating; he is not doing both. Goodness, he might choke if he doesn't pay attention. Needless to say he can't juggle.
--
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Posted: Sun May 02, 2010 9:48 am
Miscellaneous Information:
Adam and Andonis
Although the two are different in some areas of personality, I think they are in just the right position to mingle successfully while not being the same. They have similar interests which they can relate to and a lot of what you notice about someone is what they do throughout the day. Adam would go along with Andonis' goals as his desire for good karma would perk his ears up at the thought of helping someone.
Over time I'd hope as the two souls merged they would become better. Adam would slowly become a little more decisive with his choices as he begins to realize from Andonis that his choices aren't always going to turn out badly. Andonis would relate to Adam but at the same time try to convince him that just because he tries to hide what happened in the past and lie about it that it will not go away, and soon Andonis would come to realize that although the truth is usually the best policy, it can often do more damage than good and even hurt someone.
Parallel Court
Deiphobus' Observations (I wrote these from Andonis' perspective it seems...):
Cavaliers
Prince Alexandros
Despite what questionable things he may do, he's still my prince and he has my loyalties, even if by a preferably far location.
Captain Hector
An honourable man with questionable tactics. I know in my steed he'll keep his brother safe though.
Laocoon
He talks a lot, maybe too much, but he's not questionable.
Senshi
Queen Nehelenia
Belongs to Alexandros.
Captain Aphrodite
I approve of her tactics. She's very realistic and logical. From what I've seen she's a good leader.
Gaia
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3
Ares
She seems to like to fight, a lot. She's very aggressive. Remind me to stay out of her path if she gets angry.
Adam Wood
Jonathan Wood (Father) [ALIVE]
Adam doesn't get along with his father since his mother's death. His father blames him for Katrina's death and often strikes Adam due to that feeling. He has caused much more emotional trauma to Adam than what could have been avoided. Jonathan is also the underlying cause to Adam's transfer into Hillworth Grammar School. While he may be living, he died a long time ago.
Katrina Wood (Mother) [DECEASED]
Katrina was a beautiful and loving woman. She loved to take Adam to the park and sing songs with him. She died in a car crash when Adam was eight.
Andonis
Andonis' Father [DECEASED]
His father could have been called an awful man, but he wasn't always. He was a honored man in his right. He was a man who was always right, even when wrong. It was either his way or no way. When his wife met an untimely death, he went to avenge her and died an honorable death. Regardless of his temper and strict behaviour, he was a good father to Andonis. He took him hunting and taught him many things about the world. He showed Andonis how to rely on your senses and see things that other people normally miss.
Andonis' Mother [DECEASED]
A sweet woman with a bit of a strong opinion that eventually lead to her death. She taught Andonis many things about plants that he now uses in his tracking skills.
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Posted: Sun May 02, 2010 3:41 pm
*tries her hand at a crit*
The Student
Out of curiosity what made Adam get into swordplay? I can see from the write up that it's something he's really into, but would love to know what made him get into it in the first place.
With regards to the flaws for Adam - those all flow quite nicely. I'm curious to find out how Adam deals if someone stumbles across the truth of one of his lies.
Adam comes across to me as having self esteem issues, does he suffer from a lack of confidence out of curiosity?
On the virtues side how far does Adam's empathy stretch for example is it just young children or animals he's able to empathise with? Or does it cover adults?
I'm curious about it as to me it kind of clashes with the compulsive liar flaw - kind of like how can he empathise with people if he's so ready to lie to them.
It's 11:40 pm over here, so I'll stop for now, but I'll look through the rest when I'm more awake.
I like what I've read so far though 3nodding
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Posted: Sun May 02, 2010 3:47 pm
I imagine the abuse from his father is what sparked the interest in swordplay. Probably an excuse to get out of the house and protect himself. I'll have to go more into that.
Hm, perhaps I'll change it from empathy to something more along the lines of "a helping hand" because he doesn't really understand how people feel so much and is more or less feels responsible to help EVERYONE because he's such a horrible person who killed his mother (in his opinion); Added to these.
And yes, he probably does have self esteem issues, if something wrong happens he'll immediately blame himself. I am not sure if it stems into confidence, it might. He did fail grade three, he probably thinks he's pretty dumb too.
Thanks for the crit! I'll have to give this stuff some thought and see how it works.
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Posted: Sun May 02, 2010 4:21 pm
I really like Andonis and Adam; however, both of their pasts seem . . . iffy to me. Like, I'm not sure if having such a past would make them an ideal candidate to be a parallel. I think you're using the past to make them both seem lonely/outsiders, though? So whether you choose to keep the history you have now or not is up to you!
Adam: Nice hobbies. He comes off as a quiet person to me overall, but he has a couple hobbies that can be used for future RPs! That's good.
Diligence That last sentence threw me off. I know his mother died and it affected him, but the sentence just seemed so out of place in the description.
Karma More description on karma and how it's positive for him and such. You have one example (which doesn't give much about karma, I think) and a few sentences. Try to have more solid explaining rather than a long example? idk if that makes sense. orz
Stamina Elaborate on his stamina and such. Does he ever get tired? If so, what kinds of things makes him tired? Particularly, how does he get exhausted mentally?
Indecisive The last few sentences sounds more like paranoia than indecisiveness. Maybe add an ending to justify it? Like say because there're bad and good things to something, he can't decide what to pick.
Withdrawn A bit more on how he's distant? Is he a loner? Does he not talk often? Does he act aloof?
Andonis:
Gaia LOL. I love it when people put in a hobby like this to their parallel quest. xD heart
Tracking Curious, but how is he good at tracking? How does he track? etc.
Honesty It's coming off as a flaw to me, actually. Because you make it sound like he's blunt and harsh, not just honest. Try to explain why his bluntness is good and not bad.
Down to Earth I have no idea what virtue this is explaining. ._.;;
Strong willed Explain how he's strong willed. Does he not give up until he achieves his goals? Is he passionate about what he does? etc.
One Track Mind It seems like he only ever thinks about Gaia or something. rofl. Will he solely think about things that aren't Gaia? xD
I can feel that these guys suit the Outskirts. C: Keep it up! <3
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Posted: Sun May 02, 2010 4:30 pm
Well, Adam's past is a big part of him and it's a key reason why he's avoidable of people. Andonis' past though isn't supposed to be bad like Adam's. He just doesn't like people because they're idiots. I'll give it some thought though, it's why I put him up here for crit after all.
He's hard working, trying to collect karma for his wrong doing I suppose? I was majorly editing when you posted this. xD
I was thinking of giving him paranoia actually at one point.
Down to earth: adj.
1. Realistic; sensible.
2.
1. Not pretentious or affected; straightforward.
XD Basically he's realistic but I though Down to Earth was cuter? I'll touch it up some.
He's slightly obsessed with Gaia. >_>; Just slightly. He's got a major crush on her. D:
Thank yoooooooooou, lots of think about. I can't reply to it all here because I am like hm!
I added and changed a lot. I hope it helps!
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Posted: Sun May 02, 2010 6:12 pm
Yessss. It is better! C:
I'd like some more elaboration in certain parts, though.
Adam:
Diligence Most of the description is the cat example, I'd like some more plain description about his diligence and not just an example of his diligence. Will he stay up late to accomplish something? Does he stop at nothing to do his task? Does he put 110% effort into everything?
Karma Again, mainly the example. I want to see more on describing this trait in general and not in a specific situation. Does this mean he's nice to everyone? Is there a limit to his kindness/helpfulness? Treat others like how you'd like to be treated?
Withdrawn You're talking a lot about how he feels and why he's withdrawn, but there isn't much about how he's withdrawn. Like I previously said, is he quiet? Does he act aloof and like a loner?
Andonis:
Down to Earth Focus more on the fact that he is able to remain calm and be rational in times of panic and has his feet firmly planted on the ground rather than using examples as the core of the description.
Btw, you don't have to force yourself to make a 4th virtue/flaw for your chars. It's nice to flesh out your char, but if your char only has 3 virtues and flaws, then they only have 3 virtues and flaws. C:
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Posted: Sun May 02, 2010 6:16 pm
Well, I'm sure I could find some, I like four. I'm in no hurry at the moment.
I am going to say he's nice to everyone, and withdrawn hm... I'm probably going to say it's not so much that he's quiet. He'd probably not be someone to speak out unnecessarily. He's probably more aloof, mysterious since he has that wall up to stop people from getting emotionally connected.
I will work on what you said there. Very good suggestions to consider. Thank you again.
All right. I think I covered everything there! >w< /excited.
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Posted: Mon May 03, 2010 1:43 am
Hi Appeal, here's my attempt at critting again now that I've woken up had my morning dose of caffeine.
Adam's flaws and virtues are looking good now. There was just one thing that tripped me up a little:
Under the flaw Compulsive Liar/Compulsive Denier the line 'He will try and stall the lying as long as he can, hoping the person will give up.' confused me a little since it came across as meaning that Adam tries not to lie unless he feels he has to, whereas compulsive lying to me gives the impression of it being easier to tell a lie instead of the truth.
On to the Cavalier
I wasn't sure if Deiphobus is supposed to be a year younger than Adam (not a crit, just something that made me curious - it kind of amused me Adam sharing space with a soul a year younger).
I also liked that having read his hobbies it made me picture someone with a one track mind - especially where Gaia is concerned and found that to be one of his flaws xd
Looking at virtues & flaws:
I'm curious about what's made him so honest - since honesty seems so important to him. I'm also curious about how that would interact with Adam's Compulsive Liar/Compulsive Denier flaw as the two traits clash.
I'm curious about how Deiphobus' strong willed virtue would play against Adam's indecisive flaw - do you picture Adam maybe becoming more decisive over time or something? Would Deiphobus strong will mean he was the one in the driver's seat so to speak mostly?
To be honest both the Student and Cavalier flaws and virtues read very well, but it would be interesting to see something about how the two personalities interact as they're quite different personalities.
Hope the crit helps somewhat smile
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Posted: Mon May 03, 2010 11:43 am
Hey, thanks for coming back!
I think I'll fix the wording on that sentence. Crit is good since I worked in a lot of new stuff yesterday while running on no sleep.
Andonis is exactly a year younger, yeah. But Adam failed a grade so if they were in the same school they'd be classmates. o:
I wanted to make the two a lot the same in a few aspects and then give them something a little different that while still similar would give them something to help perhaps make them both less stick in the muds as they over time beame one I suppose?
You're right to assume I'd hope that Adam would become a little more decisive, or realistic about how his choices aren't going to always turn out so badly if he were to become a host for Andonis.
Honesty is not really because he doesn't want to lie, but because it's easier on everyone if the truth is out in the open. He'd relate with Adam on waiting to hide what happened but probably be trying to convince him that it's NOT GOING TO GO AWAY just because you lie about it.
I definitely plan to write some stuff about the two in the Miscellaneous Post but I was so tired I'll probably do it today. o:
I am going to go work on some of this to make it easier and then add some interaction posts!
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Posted: Tue May 04, 2010 10:54 am
Added some more stuff, some information between the two, fixed up a few little things here and there.
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Posted: Sun May 09, 2010 8:55 pm
Hey Appeal! :] I told you I’d get to you. <3
First, on a little side note: In Marushii’s quest handbook sticky, she asks that all quests are written in size ten or above. I checked your small font (because it was making me squint, rofl) and you might want to alter that so they don’t look over your quest because of teeny font. X3
On to the actual crit~
The first thing that sticks out at me, before we actually get to his personality, is the explanation for his enrollment at Meadowview. Why did Adam -attack- a teacher? Especially at age eight? Your explanation has left me reeling a little. While the fact his father seems to blame is believable (sort of, I’m having a hard time buying that as well, but not quite on the same level), the idea that this kid randomly attacked a teacher on multiple accounts…I’m not buying it. Why did it take multiple accounts for someone to do something about it?
Okay, on to the virtues! I don’t really have any complaints about diligence, except I’m not entirely sure where it’s coming from? You’ve explained the trait itself well, but I find myself wondering why a teenage boy is so motivated to follow everything through so thoroughly. I’m wondering what other situations this trait applies to. Homework? A job? Does he always display this much diligence, or is it limited to certain situations?
Karma, I’m not really sure I understand this trait. It sounds selfish, but if that’s what you were aiming for, than that’s fine. I suppose I don’t understand the bit about ‘if he can help others, he can help himself’. Does he honestly believe in karma to that extent? Does this trait ever lead him to moral crossroads? What if the ‘right thing’ goes against something he really wants, or what if it requires a great sacrifice of himself? How far does this good boy go?
You haven’t sold me on stamina, unfortunately. I reckon the average person has enough stamina to go an entire day, to be honest, so I’m not sure I’d qualify this as a virtue, especially when you talk about his short-comings in mental fatigue. It’s a little bit of a shot to your own foot, I believe; the mental fatigue really weakens this virtue. I’d suggest splitting this in half, into a flaw and a weakness, or cutting out the mental part entirely. I’d also suggest elaborating his stamina a little more, because being able to run track is interesting, but that’s a physical trait, not a personality trait.
Now, on to the flaws! First we encounter compulsive lying, and my immediate reaction is ‘wait, isn’t he worried about getting bad karma?’ You describe him as very aware and worried of getting good karma, so this seems a lot like self-sabotage. While you can argue it’s compulsive, Adam would still be aware he did it, so I’d want to know how he feels about this. Does he ever try to stop himself? And, on that note, you mention not wanting to be close to girls. It feels random, because at least the letters from home fit what I know about him. Is he as skittish around males? Why is he so worried about girls? And what if they don’t even want to ask him out? It seems a bit presumptuous to think every girl that approaches him wants him, or something of the like. XD
Indecisive, I like this flaw. It’s well rooted into his personality and well explained. I also like that it has the potential to harm both Adam and those around him.
Withdrawn, unfortunately, the first thing I thought of reading the first few sentences was ‘creeper’. The idea that he loves to be around and observe people does set off inner alarms. You also immediately weaken this flaw by stating he will speak up if it is necessary. Remember, these are flaws! It’s okay for them to be harsh if you don’t mind playing that, but on that note: you will have to play Adam if you win this quest. How will you handle RP with a character who would rather watch than interact? You don’t want to dig yourself into a hole, right? While I can sort of understand where your coming from given the background and explanation of this flaw, I think it’s important he still have some ability to interact. It’s no fun to play by yourself all the time!
That aside, I’m having a hard time seeing Adam being concerned with doing good deeds and rescuing kittens from trees, staying with people, making sure they’re okay if he’s so withdrawn he’d rather just watch and say nothing. This also plays into the indecisive: if he’s so indecisive, how does he know if he’s doing the right or wrong thing when it comes to karma? If you intended that, great, but it does seem like it opens a big opportunity to give the boy a meltdown. How does he handle it? The withdrawn trait would give him the ability to just flee the situation, I think, instead of being forced to make a decision.
Overall, I don’t think these traits are bad! I just think they’re just a little muddled, and I’m having a hard time seeing how they would mesh well. I understand the intention (I hope), but I just can’t see this as a whole picture yet.
On to the hobbies! I like to do hobbies after personality, so I can look for what I know about this guy. :] Observation, I still find creepy, to be honest. I can’t tell if your last remark is sarcastic, haha. I’m really curious, though. If he sees this as a learning experiment…does he take notes? Does he hide so he can observe? Does he try to imitate what he sees?
Singing, I like. I think it’s cute and a nice little tribute to his mother. I also like that he’s not good at it, haha. Has he ever thought about lessons? I like Track/Field as well, but I’m curious, how many events does he run? I think you’ve mentioned distance and hurtles. How much does he train for this? How much of his life does this consume?
Swordplay, now, this one, I have an issue with. Earlier, you mention Adam attacked teachers, and also that his father would label him ‘dangerous’. How on earth does he get his hands on a sword? Who teaches a dangerous kid how to wield a sword, never mind give him one in the first place? If his father neglected him, how did he pay for this? And now that he’s at Meadowview, for violence, why are his lessons continued? Again, how does he pay for them? We’ve mentioned no jobs.
And that brings us to the abusive father. At the risk of sounding callous, the relationship sounds very, very cliché. If this kid is being beaten, especially in a world really sensitive to domestic violence, why didn’t any school officials say anything? Why didn’t Adam say anything? Neighbors, other family members? I’m having a really, really hard time buying this, especially in this day and age.
Which brings me to Adam’s childhood violence. Where did it go? After you explain his transfer to Hillsworth, it never comes back up. I’m curious, after the death of his mother, why didn’t Adam get any sort of counseling? How did he deal with his anger? They way you’ve written his personality, I didn’t really see any sort of anger or anything that would lead me to believe this guy had violent tendencies, so you might want to reconsider your Hillsworth reasoning or at least explain that situation a little more.
Now, on to Dei and his virtues. You write honesty more like a flaw, only describing it as harsh and how it hurts people. How does this help Dei? What are the good things this trait brings to the plate?
I like that he’s realistic, and that he’s stubborn. You don’t usually see stubborn as a virtue, so kudos! On that note, you’ve piqued my curiosity again. What does he do when Alexandros or Hector gives him an order he doesn’t like? When something doesn’t go his way? What if Gaia told him to buzz off? Just some food for thought!
Now, on to the flaws. Just because his emotions are easy to read doesn’t mean he’s violent? He can be angry without trying to kill someone! Did you mean for it to be like this? Perhaps you should separate his easy to read and this acting so violently on his emotions.
I find judgmental interesting, simply because this is the first time you mention Deiphobus being an outsider. I had no idea he kept his distance, especially the way you were writing his virtues. He didn’t come off that way at all! I like the flaw, but I just find it a bit out of left field! If you intend for him to be an outsider, perhaps you should integrate that information elsewhere? I can’t find a problem with his one-track mind. I like this flaw too, and it sounds like something that really has the possibility of driving someone up a wall!
For the most part, his hobbies look good. He sounds almost a little creepy-stalker, but I think it’s cute! Aww, he has a crush. I’d just be careful, because at one point, you mention Gaia is unaware of this. You probably don’t want to be telling other people how to play their characters! Remember, these are all speculations, and some people don’t like being told how their character will react. Otherwise, I can see his personality in his traits, so good job! (I especially like how observation leads to tracking.)
Finally, on to your last bit. I’m missing the ‘why Adam’ bit! This is your chance to sell yourself! I looked, and I couldn’t find it! I think that’s really important, you need to convince the owners, essentially, why Adam is the right choice! Why should Dylan/Alex chose Adam as a host? What are his special qualities?
Alright, Adam/Dei. I have to admit, I’m a little concerned about Adam’s compulsive lying and Dei’s absolute need for the truth. This screams major strife to me. How would they be able to exist in anything situation deemed ‘uncomfortable’ without some sort of self-destruction? Adam is really self-doubting where Dei is strong and determined. Dei is calm and collected, Adam isn’t. None of their virtues or their flaws seem to match up, and I definitely think one, or maybe even two should! You don’t want to have a third character by the end of this, after all. No one should be twisted that far, or the host will eject the soul like a bad organ, as one the staffers so eloquently put it. In your explanation, you haven’t convinced me. ‘I hope’ doesn’t sell me. Why would Alexandros put his cavalier in a host that might alter Dei too far?
I have to admit, I find it a bit odd you wrote your prospective relationships from Dei’s opinion as opposed to analyzing the potential, but that’s a personal preference.
So far, I think you have a good start! I like your cavalier, it seems like a lot of thought really went into these characters! I hope this crit helps. If anything I’ve said seems unclear or doesn’t make sense, feel free to ask me to explain myself. Good luck with your quest! :]
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Posted: Sun May 09, 2010 9:55 pm
First off, it's size 11. :3 Just like your font size. Unless Oh you mean the size 9, which was placed there as "information" that isn't really on the form so I wanted to make it not so noticeable.
Adam /didn't/ attack a teacher, and this didn't happen AT eight. Maybe I should make it more clear. He was SET UP by a teacher, and his father decided to believe the teacher instead. I suppose this handles a few issues further down. Adam isn't a violent person. XD I rewrote him a bit so some stuff might have gotten jumbled as I got rid of stuff and so forth.
I'll have to rewrite some stuff I suppose if they're not coming off as I intended.
Anyways, his karma is related to actions to other people physically. Not what he says to them I guess.
As for the Gaia not knowing thing, it was supposed to be written as "he thinks she doesn't know" I guess.
IF anything, they are supposed to have some stuff in common, that's why there is still a virtue and flaw open on each of them. And they do have very similar virtues. I mean, from just looking you'd see very similar people between the two.
Anyways, taking stuff into account I'll be going to check over stuff bit by bit.
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