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 Posted: Tue Apr 27, 2010 6:23 pm
~greetings!
So, as many of you may or may not know, I am a writer. I am currently writng a story about a team of super heros, which is a totally new topic to me. I will post it here, bit by bit. Can you guys give me your opinion and tell me anythign I shoudl improve on?
~Thanks!
((oh, also, I don't have a name for the story yet, I could use some help with that too....))
~Thanks,
~captain kissel
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Posted: Tue Apr 27, 2010 6:31 pm
I'll try to divide them into parts. So, part one, I guess:
Night Nero was too tired to move. How long had it been? Almost an hour, he was sure. Mayhem had said to stand there with the buckets of water for an hour as punishment for failing the team assistance test. Night had given up after a half hour and had made the buckets float next to him using his telekinetic abilities. His current skin was a sky-blue with sunset-orange clouds.
Night Nero, more commonly known as the silent, unseen hero, Jedi Knight, was a mutant. He was human in appearance except for his ever-changing skin. He had pure white hair that wasn’t too long, and wasn’t too short and was always neatly brushed, a strong but thin build, and brilliant blue eyes, that could never be seen under his headset that at first glance looked like headphones attached to a beam of light across Night’s eyes. Night had the ability to change the texture, color and composition of his skin, as well as telekinesis. Night was thrown out of his house at the age of 14. Deemed a monster by his own parents, Night tried to get along on his own. His twin brother, Dante Nero, had followed him, disgusted at their parent’s actions. A year or so later, the two split up for their separate training. Night as a Jedi Knight and Dante as…..Night had forgotten what Dante had left to train as. Four years after training, Mayhem had come along and took Night in. Mayhem further trained Night, and made him a part of his team of “Supers.”
Mayhem was coming along the hallway now, clearly pissed off at someone. Most likely Night. “Night, I told you to hold those buckets, and I didn’t mean telekinetically!” Mayhem said sternly.
Chris Carson, more commonly known as the brilliant leader of Team Ruach, Mayhem, was also a mutant. Changed mysteriously by an alien crystal during a mission years ago, Chris suddenly discovered he was a shapeshifter. Chris Carson was clad in his purple and black suit that included armor, a helmet and a jetpack. His dark skin matched well with his black, never-neat hair and his deep brown eyes that burned with passion.
Night merely grunted. He knew Mayhem was trying to be patient with him. (And he must have been trying hard, for Night was not easy to be patient with.) His patience completely used up, Mayhem smacked one of the buckets and spilled the water on Night, completely soaking him. “Night! You need to get your act together! I understand you’re still recovering from our last mission, but you have to snap out of this mood you’re in! You’re hurting the while team!” “What does the whole team care?! If they cared they wouldn’t have left Dante!” Night stood up and snapped at Mayhem. “Night, you know we had no choice and” “’You had no choice’? What kind of an excuse is that!?” “Night, you have to understand it’s what we expected from the beginning and” “SHUT UP! Just shut up, Chris! You left him! He could be dead! My brother! And you expect me to just forget it?!” Night yelled, tears rolling down his cheeks. “Night….Night, you’ve gotta listen to me…” Mayhem reached out a hand to put on Night’s shoulder. Night slapped it away. ‘Don’t touch me!” Night cried and ran to his dorm, while Mayhem cried, “Night, wait,” behind him.
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Posted: Wed Apr 28, 2010 6:00 pm
Since no one is posting, I'm gonna post another part:
“Ah, damnit!” Chris growled and kicked the wall, making a dent. “Why does he have to be like this?!” “Well, he did just lose his brother, and it was your fault. What do you expect, Chris?” Chris whirled around and glared at the Joker. Kevin Samuels, although a member of the team, was not a mutant. He had an extraordinarily high I.Q., and was therefore an asset to the team. He had based his alter-ego on the Joker, from Batman. He usually had green-dyed hair, long and shaggy like the Joker’s, and sometimes even the makeup. Not this time however. Although he did have green hair, he was in a black business suit, with his hair neatly brushed. His blue eyes shone with compassion and understanding for both Night and Chris.
Chris could usually put up with him, but not this time. “What do you want, Kevin?” He snapped. Kevin raised an eyebrow, but said nothing. He usually did this, feeling it safer to talk when Chris was calm. Chris took a deep breath. “What is it, Kevin?” He said, in a more even tone. Kevin said, “The new recruits are waiting sir.” Chris groaned. The LAST thing I need now is to deal with some new recruits. Kevin smiled a bit. “Sir, I could handle it for you.” Chris nodded. “Thank you, Kevin. Just give the basic overview, and assign them roommates.” Kevin nodded. He didn’t leave. Chris looked at him again. “Is there….something else, Kevin?” Kevin said cautiously, “You should try not to be so hard on Night, sir. He might be...defiant sometimes, but…Chris…” “Yes, what is it?” Chris snapped, his patience running out. “Well, sir, you are the closest thing to a father Night has. Many of the younger team members feel that way.” Chris didn’t know what to say. He hadn’t considered that. Maybe he had been a little too hard on Night after all… Chris looked at Kevin closely. “What about you?” Kevin smiled a bit. “You are a good mentor to me, sir. But, we are too close in age for me to consider you a father. My parents were…separated….My mother ignored me, and sometimes my father beat me. I got through it. I had friends to help me. Friends like you, sir.” Chris sighed. “I should probably go talk to Night now…” “I would suggest it, sir.” Chris sighed, but thanked Kevin and hurried towards Night’s quarters.
Night had shared his quarters with his twin brother Dante. Much of Dante was still in the room. Dante’s punk-rock CDs, which Night never really liked; Dante’s posters and weapons still hung on the walls. The two beds, so different from each other, stood together in the center of the back wall. Above the bed was the photo of the original Team Ruach, taken soon after Mayhem had found Night and Dante in the streets. The team had doubled since then, but it pained Chris to see that so many of the heroes in that photo were gone. Close friends of his, like a family, gone because he failed to lead them in the right direction. Night was lying facedown on his bed. Chris could understand his pain. Dante wasn’t the only one lost on that mission, and it had been Chris’s fault. Chris sat on the edge of Night’s bed.
“Night, we need to talk.” “Go away.” Night’s voice was muffled by the pillow. Chris sighed. “Night, look, I know you’re upset over your brother. I lost a lot of people during that mission, and I admit it was my fault. I’m determined to not let it happen again.” Night said nothing. “Night,” Chris put a hand on his back. “Night, I know Dante. I don’t think he’s gone for good. He’ll find a way to come back, Night; we just need to be patient.” Night hadn’t moved. “And, we can use the Physic locator to search for him too.” Night jumped up. “You’ll let me?” Chris hesitated. The Physic locator could only be operated by one with a high psyche level. That meant Night could use it. But the Physic Locator could also be dangerous. Usually, Chris didn’t give anyone access to it unless it was an absolute emergency.
“Yeah, I’ll let you.” Night cheered. “BUT! Not 24/7. You need to be careful with it, alright? Don’t overwork yourself. And remember to sleep at some point.” Night nodded vigorously. Chris smiled. Kevin had been right (as he usually was); Night was still a kid, and he needed a father figure.
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Posted: Wed Apr 28, 2010 6:10 pm
*claps*Hee hee!Long...................But I still like it!
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Posted: Wed Apr 28, 2010 6:13 pm
REALLY!? that's it!? Some help you've been.....
You votd for Night, correct???
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Posted: Wed Apr 28, 2010 6:14 pm
Lmao.Yep.
((Short posts.That's kinda my thing unless it's an advanced RP.))
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Posted: Wed Apr 28, 2010 6:17 pm
.....last itme I ask for your help with a story.
WHy do you like Night, BTW?
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Posted: Wed Apr 28, 2010 6:25 pm
Hee hee,I write my own stories.
Anyways,IDK.Just seems like Chris is scary because he could make a dent in the wall....That and I voted after Part one,so I didn't know about anyone else.....
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Posted: Wed Apr 28, 2010 6:27 pm
Awwwww. Chris is a nice guy! He just is under a lot of stress lately and has a very short temper sometimes. Kevin is awsome though.
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Posted: Wed Apr 28, 2010 6:31 pm
Lmao,I told you I didn't know about the rest of them!
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Posted: Wed Apr 28, 2010 6:36 pm
Favorite Characters
[1] Chris "Mayham" Carson
[2] Kevin "The Joker" __________
[3] "Aqua"
[4] Night Nero
[5] lol..... Tree Lady
Comments
[1] Duh, because he's me.
[2] He is alot like me in real life.
[3] He resembles Vann to me and it shows me the young side of Vann.
[4] He's like a son to me...
[5] She's got spunk.
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Posted: Wed Apr 28, 2010 6:38 pm
Liar, you just like Samantha cause she's hot. That's why you like her in teh story, anyway....
And yeah....you will stop likeing Aqua very very soon......
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Posted: Wed Apr 28, 2010 6:40 pm
Hey did Samantha and my romance idea come from when I was flirting with Syori in the original SOG?
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Posted: Wed Apr 28, 2010 6:44 pm
Chris_Mayham_Carson Hey did Samantha and my romance idea come from when I was flirting with Syori in the original SOG? .....um....um....*avioding eye contact* uh.....maybe???
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Posted: Wed Apr 28, 2010 8:04 pm
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Reply
