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 Posted: Fri Apr 23, 2010 6:10 pm
To Sum it Up
The first day that I saw you,
My Heart stopped in its tracks.
The first day that I met you,
My Heart took one step back.
The first day that you held my hand,
My Heart fell to its knees.
The first day that you kissed me,
It flew above the trees.
The first day that you looked at her,
I knew something was wrong.
The first day that you talked to her,
I knew it wouldn’t be long.
The first day that you kissed her,
I didn’t even know.
The first day that you left me,
My heart took its first blow.
To sum it up, I loved you then,
And babe, I love you now.
You’re not even with me,
And I still wonder how.
After all is said and done,
I won’t be yours again.
‘Cause you can’t even talk to me,
Not even as a friend.
For more, see my journal, and please comment CONSTRUCTIVELY.
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Posted: Sat Apr 24, 2010 7:17 pm
Ah, the talented writer finally comes out of the shadows. mrgreen Glad to see you decided to join us here.
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Posted: Sat Apr 24, 2010 9:32 pm
[[To Sum it Up]]
I love the fact that My Heart is capitalized in every line. It was pleasing to the eye. The first stanza, brilliant. I wouldn't change a thing. Now as we get to the second stanza it starts off great. I Knew is capitalized following the pattern, but then you break it up after five lines and everything after turns a bit chaotic, only thing holding it together being "The first day". There is no longer order and pattern. Especially in the third stanza! Here's two things I believe you were trying to accomplish...
1) Perhaps disorder of the poem shows how your heart is slowly breaking. Very well done, to add to the look and make it seem as if you just didn't think about the pattern... word choice word choice word choice. If your making the poem look disorderly, make the word choice a bit more choppy. You have a unique voice you carry out through the poem. Break it. It's pretty it's awesome, BUT for the look and for the sense of it... chop those words make them feel like they have a bite to them. Also! I believe "The last day" Would fit well in this next stanza and take out "That you" and replace it with only "You" for both the first and second stanza.
Example...
The last day you looked at her,
I knew something was wrong.
The last day you talked to her,
I knew it wouldn’t be long.
The last day you kissed her,
I didn’t even know.
The last day you left me,
My heart took its first blow.
2) Perhaps you just forgot the order in the first stanza. I do it all the time and just allow myself to write out what I feel in that moment of time. This is where various rough drafts come into play. To help the third stanza with this...
To sum it up, I loved you then,
And babe, I love you now.
To sum it up, you’re not even with me,
And I still wonder how.
To sum it up, after all is said and done,
I won’t be yours again.
To sum it up, you won't even talk to me,
Not even as a friend.
Somehow this change alone makes the whole poem work, no longer needing those little bites and word changes. It becomes easier to the mind, because our brains automatically look for patterns and puzzles in everything we see.
And just to add a little spice to it, since it seems like you have a bit of a "In-your-face" attitude here, perhaps put the very last line in it's own stanza... "Just sayin'" Or something along those lines.
Overall I like this poem a lot. It has potential to be a fascinating work of art. Great job, keep writing and work on your first drafts a bit more.
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Posted: Sun Apr 25, 2010 5:57 pm
That was VERY helpful actually, thank you very much^^
I see what you're saying, I didn't really have time to think about it, I wrote it at around midnight, and posted it right before I left for school razz
You are right about the chaotic part, I wanted it to sound happy and thought out, and gradually become chaotic in the end, because really that's how the whole relationship was ^.^""
I haven't actually written anything at all for the last... 4 months I think, so I'm glad after waiting so long, I can still come out with something good ^^
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Posted: Tue Apr 27, 2010 9:28 pm
Stream of Conciousness
My boyfriend broke up with me today.
We'd been together for 17 months.
This is all I have to say.
I thought you loved me.
I thought you cared.
But if you did,
You wouldn’t have done this to me.
You left me.
You left me for every reason that I should have left you for.
None of which applied to me.
I told you everything.
I never bottled anything up,
Never kept anything hidden.
I gave all my time for you.
I gave up my friends for you.
You.
You never told me a thing.
You bottled everything up and took it out on me.
You hid everything.
You gave your time to be with your friends.
You gave up nothing.
You spoiled me with money.
But when did you ever actually try to love me?
With your heart,
I mean.
You wanted my body.
You wanted to buy my happiness.
In the end,
All you did was break my heart,
and keep it in your pocket.
Thanks.
I love you ******** you.
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