Welcome to Gaia! ::

Hey, guys. Yeah, it's been a while. I'm really sorry for disappearing without a warning AGAIN, even sorrier for not coming back before now to explain what was going on. I was kind of messed up for a while, and then I wasn't sure exactly how to explain everything and to top it off I was afraid of how everyone would react.

(Shoot... I'm not even sure I know who "anyone" is anymore. I'm sure there are newer people here who probably don't know me - nice to meet you if you're there.)

Geeze... I make it sound like somebody died or something. Nothing so horrible, but it left me pretty confused for a while there. I don't want to blow things out of proportion, so I'll try to make this as drama-free as possible.

Anyway, it started last October (six months ago... wow, I can't believe it's been that long already) when, on another avatar site I found, I joined an LGBT thread. I'd recently sort of come to grips with my own low-grade bisexuality (long story - just to say, if that freaks you out you probably don't want to read the rest of this), and in any case I wanted an opportunity to hang out with some members of the queer community, just kind of get to know them and what they're all about. It all stems back to the bit where I got out of a crazy fundamentalist Christian faith and had to rethink all of my values and stuff - again, long story.

Anyway, so at this point I'd actually been poking around the internet for a while, and I'd come to identify as a "girlfag" - a straight girl who identifies more with gay men than with other women. I figured, hey, that's me to the core. It was a little awkward trying to introduce myself that way - the word alone is Not Safe For Television - but, well, it fit.

So I was looking at some of the resources linked to from that forum, and for some ca-RAAAAYZEE reason I decided to read up on transgenderism. (AKA transsexualism. AKA the feeling that your brain is wired for the gender that doesn't match your physical sex.) I was... uh, intrigued, I guess, so I started searching, doing some more reading and stuff. I came across this one great site that mentioned a lot about various aspects - about gender dysphoria, in particular - and I realized I'd run into a few problems.

More specifically, I'd run into something that explained a lot of my problems.

Just to sum up my life: I've always been something of a tomboy. I've never identified that way, because I didn't really have a lot of normal girls to compare myself to, but that's the way I was. In between the Barbie dolls and cute little dresses, I loved to play with hypermasculine action figures and wear boys' clothes for pretty much EVERYTHING. Paradoxically, it got worse as I got older - instead of growing out of boyish things, I actually grew out of some of my more feminine tendencies. My instincts were totally messed up. Everything/everybody I knew told me I was supposed to be a girl - and I was totally going with this - but I just wasn't getting into it. I kept identifying with guys, looking to them for role models, etc. I always felt like my body was somehow screwed up and it would be better if I had a man's body. It was kind of frustrating, because everyone kept telling me how great it was to be a woman and I just couldn't understand why anyone would like it that much. Especially the dress-wearing part. Seriously, I could never look at myself in the mirror in a dress without wanting to cry. Actually, just looking feminine pretty much EVER made me angry, and I never understood why.

All of this was thrown into pretty sharp relief when I started reading about other transgendered people, their experiences, and the concept of gender dysphoria (a feeling of depression or frustration when you see yourself cast as a specific gender). I realized that, as much as I'd love to go on seeing myself as nothing more than a very unique woman, it's been driving me nuts to do so. I hate my breasts, I hate looking female, and every time I turn around I see another man whom I'd love nothing more than to be like.

So, long story short, I'm transgendered. It really isn't what I thought it would be. I don't necessarily feel like I'm a male brain trapped in a female body - though that's close enough sometimes. Mainly I feel like I'm a guy who, through some freak of nature, was born with the sex organs of a girl instead. It's pretty awkward, especially in real life, where people continue to treat me as a girl for everything.

I don't really know if this is supposed to change anything. I feel like I'm imposing on people if I ask them to start treating me as a guy, but it feels dishonest to go around as a girl. I guess all I really wanted to say was that this is what happened, this is why I haven't been around in a while, and... well, I'd like to talk about it, answer any questions you might have, and (hopefully) reinvent myself on this forum in a way that'll be a little closer to the way I feel at this point in time.

The first thing I'm going to do is change my username - not really for gender issues, but to protect my identity from my fundie mom, who has Internet access and still pops by Gaia from time to time. She would totally flip if she knew about any of this, so I've got to take steps to protect myself.

So... yeah, that's it. Like I said, I'd like to talk and answer any questions anyone might have. Or just talk. It's been a while since I was here last.

Edit: Changed username. My old username is still in my signature, just to avoid confusion.