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The Last Daughter

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GreenEyedMonster000

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PostPosted: Sat Apr 03, 2010 8:37 pm


The Last Daughter


It's not yet finished, but I will add more as I get more. It's rather long as it is, but let me know how I'm doing so far. I changed the title from The Covenant to The Last Daughter. Edit: Anything in black is the changes I have made based on suggestions.
__________

Wake up. A voice rang through a young girl’s head. Come to your senses, Aione, and embrace your fate.

The young girl stirred in the soft bed she was in. Her eyes opened and she found herself in a well-lit, sunny, white room. The white-lace curtains were billowing inward from an open window that was inviting a gentle breeze to flow through and create a more soothing atmosphere. The girl sat up slowly, letting the blankets covering her fall to her lap. She looked around, unsure of where she was.

Are you finally awake, Aione?

She turned to her left and saw a strange creature that was very out of place. He was wearing all black, his hair was jet black and he had leathery wings protruding from his back. Compared to the inviting room, his presence in the room was foreboding. Despite his ominous aura, she was not afraid of the creature. She nodded at him and he walked forward, stopping beside the bed. He placed a hand over his chest where his heart would have been if he were human.

My name is Janus. Do you understand? His mouth didn’t move when he talked and his eyes never left hers. She nodded and his mouth turned upward into a smile. Very good. Do you know your own name?

The girl looked down at her hands, clenched them into fists and then unclenched them again. She looked back up at Janus and tilted her head. “You said Aione before. Is that my name?” she questioned in a clear voice.

Janus nodded and his smile widened a hair. Good. Do you know what I am? She shook her head. I am a demon and I am here to kill you.

Aione’s eyes went wide and she shied away from him, remaining under the covers. Janus’ smile faded into a frown and he crossed his arms.

Oh come now, I go through the trouble of creating this beautiful scenery and you won't even let me devour you willingly? He sighed and placed his fingertips of one hand on his forehead. What’s a demon to do with ungracious humans such as you?

Aione slowly got to the edge of the bed before getting to her feet--or so she had hoped. Her legs, as if they had never been used before, gave way beneath the weight of the rest of her body. Janus was instantly by her side and caught her before she hit the hard floor. He then picked her up and placed her on the bed gently.

Honestly. If any of the other demons were to see this, they would never let me live it down. He then glanced up at Aione. Well, if living is what we do.

“W-Why are you going to kill me? W-What have I done to you?” She asked, her eyes wild with fear and her lip quivering just a hair as she gripped the blanket to her chest tightly.

He smirked and let out a subtle snort. You live, that is your sin. Humans are merely toys for us creatures of the night. She pulled the blanket up to her nose as a child would and he frowned at her. Does it bother you that much, Aione? He cupped her cheek. I promise that I will kill you quickly.

She snapped her eyes shut as he leaned closer to her, baring his sharp teeth at her. She shuddered when she felt his breath on her neck and jumped when the room suddenly became unbearably hot. Janus snapped his jaw a few times and turned towards the window, appalled by what was standing in its billowing curtains. Another demon with a much darker appearance was standing amid the beautiful scenery. Aione opened her eyes one at a time and her breath caught in her throat. Despite his frightful air, he was a very beautiful creature. The new demon was at the bed in a few long strides and had Janus in the air by his throat.

Not only is stealing from your superiors a big mistake, stealing from me may be the deadliest thing one of your low status can do. His eyes flicked to Aione who looked away immediately. He turned his deadly gaze back to Janus. Be gone, you vile savage.

With a tightened grip on Janus’ neck, the demon disappeared, a wisp of smoke the only reminder he was ever in the room. The new demon clenched and unclenched his hand a few times before waving the smoke away completely. He turned to Aione and grabbed her wrist.

You shouldn’t be here, human. You’re coming with me.

She yanked her wrist away from him and crawled backwards away from him. “You’re just going to kill me like that man tried to.”

The new demon rolled his eyes and picked her up. She began hitting him with all her strength, but the demon didn’t feel a thing. Janus is not a man. He never was and never will be, so there is no point trying to compare him to one. I have no reason to kill you as of yet, but if you give me one, I will not hesitate. He looked down at her. I would advise not giving me a reason, human.

Aione swallowed hard and looked away from his gaze. His eyes were bright red, the color of blood or hell-fire, and it frightened her more than dying at the hand of Janus the demon. "W-Who are you? What do you want with me?”

You have no reason to know; therefore I am not inclined to tell you.

Aione frowned and glanced up at him, relieved to have him staring straight ahead. His walk was brisk, but it hardly felt like they were moving at all. With a sigh, Aione leaned against him, too tired to tempt him into talking further. She was startled to find that he wasn’t breathing and there was no indication of a heart beating. She looked up at him about to question it when he chuckled darkly.

All humans react the same way when they realize we are not living things. He glanced down at her with a smirk playing on his lips. We are demons, dear human. Unlike you, we are created by a more evil God who does not require his servants to be living.

She shuddered slightly at the thought of a large scale undead army. He chuckled again and shook his head.

Humans are so intriguing, but I have to be honest with you. He looked down at her with an odd twinkle in his eyes. You are the first to catch my attention so readily.

For the second time, Aione swallowed hard. She couldn’t understand what he found so intriguing; she couldn’t even remember anything about herself. She tried to get away from his fire-like gaze, but found herself unable. The demon’s smirk widened and he placed her on the ground in front of a large cast-iron door. He knocked twice, paused for half a second and then knocked three more times. Without any help, the door swung open, drawing in the cool air from the hallway as it did. The demon hit one knee and crossed his right arm over his body, placing it where his heart would have been.

“Master,” he said in a dark voice, making Aione jump. It was the first time she heard his real voice.
__________
I will add more tomorrow at some point.
PostPosted: Sun Apr 04, 2010 2:44 am


GreenEyedMonster000
The Covenant


It's not yet finished, but I will add more as I get more. It's rather long as it is, but let me know how I'm doing so far.
__________

Wake up. A voice rang through a young girl’s head. Come to your senses, Aione, and embrace your fate.

The young girl stirred in the soft bed she was in. Her eyes opened and she found herself in a well-lit, sunny, white room. The white-lace curtains were billowing inward from an open window that was inviting a gentle breeze to flow through the room. (I've noticed through the start of this piece you use "room" quite frequently. Try to either omit this word completely or find another word) The girl sat up slowly, letting the blankets covering her fall to her lap. She looked around, unsure of where she was.

Are you finally awake, Aione?

She turned to her left and saw a man who was very out of place. He was wearing all black, his hair was jet black and he had leathery wings protruding from his back. Compared to the inviting room, his presence in the room was frightening. (Frightening to who? Try and describe it more as an ominous presence rather than just telling the reader they should be frightened) But the girl was unafraid ("she was not afraid" sounds better) of this man. She nodded at him and he walked forward, stopping beside the bed. He placed a hand over his chest where his heart would have been if he were human. (You referred to him as a 'man' earlier, consider changing. "being" or "creature"?)

My name is Janus. Do you understand? His mouth didn’t move when he talked and his eyes never left hers. She nodded and his mouth turned upward into a smile. Very good. Do you know your own name?

The girl looked down at her hands, clenched them into fists and then unclenched them again. She looked back up at Janus and tilted her head. “My name is Aione,” she said in a clear voice. (He called her that in the first paragraph)

Janus’ smile widened a hair. Good. Do you know what I am? She shook her head. I am a demon and I am here to kill you.

Aione’s eyes went wide and she shied away from him, remaining under the covers. Janus’ smile faded into a frown and he crossed his arms.

Oh come now, I go through the trouble of creating this beautiful scenery and you won't even let me devour you willingly? He sighed and placed his fingertips of one hand on his forehead. What’s a demon to do with ungracious humans such as you?

Aione slowly got to the edge of the bed before getting to her feet-or so she had hoped. When she placed her weight onto her legs, she immediately crumpled to the ground. (the use of "immediately" seems a little redundant in the context of the sentence. Try something like "her legs gave way" or just leave the word out) Janus was by her side in a flash ("instantly by her side") and caught her before she hit. (hit what? just be careful not to repeat too many words or phrases) He then picked her up and placed her on the bed gently.

Honestly. If any of the other demons were to see this, they would never let me live it down. He then glanced up at Aione. Well, if living is what we do.

“Why are you going to kill me? What have I done to you?” She asked in fear, (describe her voice or expressions/reactions rather than saying she was in fear) gripping the blanket to her chest tightly.

He smirked and let out a curt chuckle through his nose. (through his nose?) You live, that is your sin. Humans are merely toys for us creatures of the night. She pulled the blanket up to her nose as a child would and he frowned at her. Does it bother you that much, Aione? He cupped her cheek. I promise that I will kill you quickly.

She snapped her eyes shut as he leaned closer to her, baring his sharp teeth at her. She shuddered when she felt his breath on her neck and jumped when the room suddenly became unbearably hot. Janus snapped his jaw a few times and turned towards the window, appalled by what was standing in its billowing curtains. Another man with a much darker appearance was standing amid the beautiful scenery. Aione opened her eyes one at a time and her breath caught in her throat. Despite his frightful air, he was a very beautiful man. The new man was at the bed in a few long strides and had Janus in the air by his throat.

Not only is stealing from your superiors a big mistake, stealing from me may be the deadliest thing one of your low status can do. His eyes flicked to Aione who looked away immediately. He turned his deadly gaze back to Janus. Be gone, fleabag. (it sounds like a really serious altercation but then you use 'fleabag'. Try and find another word or change the phrase - "Get out of my sight!"?)

With a tightened grip on Janus’ neck, the demon disappeared in a puff of black smoke. (Sounds comical - "disappeared, a trail of smoke the only sign of his departure"?)The new demon clenched and unclenched his hand a few times before waving the smoke away completely. He turned to Aione and grabbed her wrist.

You shouldn’t be here, human. You’re coming with me.

She yanked her wrist away from him and crawled backwards away from him. “You’re just going to kill me like that man tried to.”

The new demon rolled his eyes and picked her up. She began hitting him with all her strength, but the demon didn’t feel a thing. Janus is not a man. He never was and never will be, so there is no point trying to compare him to one. I have no reason to kill you as of yet, but if you give me one, I will not hesitate. He looked down at her. I would advise not giving me a reason, human.

Aione swallowed hard and looked away from his gaze. His eyes were bright red, the color of blood or hell-fire, and it frightened her more than dying at the hand of Janus the demon. “M-May I know your name?” (she's scared, would she be so polite? "Who are you?")

You have no reason to know; therefore I am not inclined to tell you.

Aione frowned and glanced up at him, half-relieved (why only half relieved?) to have him staring straight ahead. His walk was brisk, but it hardly felt like they were moving at all. With a deep sigh, Aione gave up trying to converse and simply leaned against him. (She only asked one question. Maybe a phrase indicating she wouldn't pursue the conversation) She was startled to find that he wasn’t breathing and there was no indication of a heart beating. She looked up at him about to question it when he chuckled curtly. (it's the second time you've used curtly in this piece and I don't feel you've used it correctly. Curtly is referring to speech or manner. I understand what you mean but it doesn't really sound right with chuckled, you're essentially saying he laughed merrily but it was rudely brief. Try other words like "sneered", "chortled" and various other synonyms just check that the meaning is what you want to convey.)

All humans react the same way when they realize we are not living things. He glanced down at her with a smirk playing on his lips. We are demons, dear human. Unlike you, we are created by a more evil God who does not require his servants to be living.

She shuddered slightly at the thought of a large scale undead army. He chuckled again and shook his head.

Humans are so intriguing, but I have to be honest with you. He looked down at her with an odd twinkle in his eyes. You may just be the first human to be such an entertainment to me. (is this foreshadowing why she's special? she's not yet done anything that makes her any different than another woman)

For the second time, Aione swallowed hard. She tried to get away from his fire-like gaze, but found herself unable. The demon’s smirk widened and he placed her on the ground in front of a large cast-iron door. He knocked twice, paused for half a second and then knocked three more times. Without any help, the door swung open, drawing in the cool air from the hallway as it did. The demon hit one knee and crossed his right arm over his body, placing it where his heart would have been.

“Master,” he said in a dark voice, making Aione jump. It was the first time she heard his real voice.
__________
I will add more tomorrow at some point.


ok overall the piece was really creative and there was a lot of good descriptions.

I think the main points really are to have another look at what words you do use and ask yourself "do they convey what I want them to?"

Don't tell the reader what they should be feeling, show them with visualisation using the 5 senses as well as how your character responds.

Hope this helped. have fun!

II Ele II


GreenEyedMonster000

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PostPosted: Sun Apr 04, 2010 8:25 am


Wow...Thanks for the input so fast. All of what you said is really helpful. I don't have anyone who can sit down and read my stories to give me input, so the information is highly appreciated, thank you.
PostPosted: Sun Apr 04, 2010 2:18 pm


GreenEyedMonster000
Wow...Thanks for the input so fast. All of what you said is really helpful. I don't have anyone who can sit down and read my stories to give me input, so the information is highly appreciated, thank you.


no problem biggrin glad it helps and i see the changes. looks good!

II Ele II


thomlina

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PostPosted: Wed May 12, 2010 5:18 pm


i like your story it would be even better if you conntinued it. any way great story and it is going somewhere so don't stop. biggrin biggrin
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