Welcome to Gaia! ::

I've been lying on this guild..I feel like a total a** for doing it. It's just I felt what I've been saying was better then the truth.

First I like to say my Mom doesn't hate my weight..Actually she is big herself and she doesn't mind it at all. She actually supports me and says nothing is wrong with me. My parents don't hate me..they do everything to make me happy, it's me that screwed everything up. It's my fault why I'm not happy, I have no self-esteem.

A couple of years ago my life wasn't that amazing. My parents were thinking of getting a divorce, I was getting F's in math straight through, and well the male race was assholes. I would go to school and things were written on my locker by boys and they weren't nice things. Boys would hide snowballs or water ballons in there jackets and would peg them at me. They really liked hitting me with things when I was in a play or in a talent show singing. They would ask me out and get all pissed off and spread tales about me when I said no. Or like the first boy who asked, I said yes..He stood me up and his girlfriend came over (who I didn't know) and punched me in the face and we got into a fight.

I was depressed..more then depressed. I don't know what I was. I always wore black, you found myself writing these awful poems about killing myself, and death, and pain. Though one day I just couldn't stand it. I listed things which were good about myself and bad, but found the good to be ridiculous and not true. So went to my parents bathroom and found this pill bottle. I opened it and took one. Thought why stop there? I'll take two, three...eight....sixteen..Damn, why not take the whole bottle!? So I did..and I was told by my Mom she found me on the floor out of it. I had to get my stomach pumped and it turns out..of course as you can tell, I'm fine.

At first I was not fine with it being ok. I just tried to kill myself! How could I get a ******** second chance..I was a awful person, who should not live on this earth. I am one of those selfish a*****e..Though my Grandmom had this talk with me and then my cousin was born and I spent every second with her. Then time went by and I saw a Shrink..and we did that list again..and the good things didn't seem ridiculous anymore. My sense of humor grew back and I started to wear brighter colors. I was still upset about my weight, but then I joined here..and now I'm actually finding a bit more confidence in myself.

I'm sorry I lied. If you want me gone, then it's ok. I just felt that what I said before with my mom and all..was better then saying, "Hey guys, I tried to kill myself with pills!" Though I do apologize and I'm very sorry.

I know some people are not going to trust me now, but I understand. I shouldn't of lied and I should of just came out with it. It was just really hard to talk about..that's all. I don't like to lie and it was really hard to lie on her for it sort of killed me. I just didn't want pitty. I felt I should just tell the truth now, intill more lies spilled out. I swear I will be honest with everything..I really do hate to lie.

It's perfectly understandable that you said what you did in my opinion, you are right. It is VERY hard to talk about sttempts at suicide, or even thoughts of it..... At least it's off your chest now, and you don't have to worry about it anymore. 3nodding

Everyone has their own means of defense. I've had the same thoughts, and I've sat before with a big bottle of pills and a big glass of water, but never managed to get enough courage to take more than 10 pills at a time. I've sat and stared at knives and such, and started choking myself a few times.

Like Jinarri said, it's not stuff that anyone's proud of.

Haven't been here in a while, but I remember your posts from when I came here regularly. What you did was wrong, but it's also understandable. It's very brave of you to have come out and told everyone in here. 3nodding