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POE:Luna and Cruithne

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Ethereal_Talaseda

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PostPosted: Tue Mar 30, 2010 11:51 am


Two sisters sleeping, rotating. In the cosmos.
Their souls are colder than the frozen evening frost.
Only able to meet once every three hundred and eighty five years.
Sol shall evaporate the solitary tears.

Cruithne is sought by a dark, powerful entity.
It wants to tear her soul apart with its torturous gravity.

It finds her. She screams, but it is in silence.
Her celestial spirit is combusted in the transference.
Her soul is now hotter than the burning lava.
It is now lost forever.

There now remains only one sister. The lonely Luna.
The oh so lonely Luna. Alone for all of forever.
For all eternity.
But what is eternity?
Only thirty four billion years.

One sister sleeping, rotating. In the cosmos.
Her soul is colder than the frozen evening frost.
She will no longer meet her sibling in the three hundred and eighty years.
Sol can no longer evaporate the solitary tears.
--
I do hope you enjoy my poem. 3nodding If you don't know what Cruithne is, it's an asteroid that orbits the Earth once every 385 years. wink
PostPosted: Tue Mar 30, 2010 10:56 pm


Ethereal_Talaseda
Two sisters sleeping, rotating. In the cosmos.
Their souls are colder than the frozen evening frost.
Only able to meet once every three hundred and eighty five years.
Sol shall evaporate the solitary tears.

Cruithne is sought by a dark, powerful entity.
It wants to tear her soul apart with its torturous gravity.

It finds her. She screams, but it is in silence.
Her celestial spirit is combusted in the transference.
Her soul is now hotter than the burning lava.
It is now lost forever.

There now remains only one sister. The lonely Luna.
The oh so lonely Luna. Alone for all of forever.
For all eternity.
But what is eternity?
Only thirty four billion years.

One sister sleeping, rotating. In the cosmos.
Her soul is colder than the frozen evening frost.
She will no longer meet her sibling in the three hundred and eighty years.
Sol can no longer evaporate the solitary tears.
--
I do hope you enjoy my poem. 3nodding If you don't know what Cruithne is, it's an asteroid that orbits the Earth once every 385 years. wink


Very nice. The wording is both catchy and deep, and there seems to be a symbolic story behind it, yet I can't place my finger on it. I'd rate it a 4/5, only because some of the wording could have flown a bit better, but very nice.

I would also like to add that the title is labeled incorrectly. I prefer when titles say things that label them. The correct name would be "POE: Luna and Cruithne"

Muse_of_the_Soul
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Ethereal_Talaseda

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PostPosted: Wed Mar 31, 2010 11:01 am


Thank you very much. 3nodding I'm always happy to improve, so could you please suggest in what ways my word flowing is a little 'off'? I will gladly recieve constuctive critisism biggrin (sorry if that's spelt incorrectly sweatdrop ).
PostPosted: Wed Mar 31, 2010 11:09 am


Ethereal_Talaseda
Thank you very much. 3nodding I'm always happy to improve, so could you please suggest in what ways my word flowing is a little 'off'? I will gladly recieve constuctive critisism biggrin (sorry if that's spelt incorrectly sweatdrop ).


Lol well, this is kinda vague of an answer for you, but this is the best way to put it:

The word choices were excellent. But the main thing I'd change is how wordy you get with it. Anyone can use big words, and a lot of them. Try to cut down on the number of large syllabled words, and I only say this because while I understood what the poem was saying, and the word usage, there may be people who join who see that many big words and go, " burning_eyes talk2hand " because unfortunately, a lot of people have short attention spans.

Was that helpful at all?

Muse_of_the_Soul
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Ethereal_Talaseda

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PostPosted: Wed Mar 31, 2010 11:28 am


Thank you very much. This was most helpful. 3nodding
PostPosted: Wed Mar 31, 2010 12:03 pm


Ethereal_Talaseda
Thank you very much. This was most helpful. 3nodding


No problem. I'd like to add a side note here: Don't dumb it down too much though, or you'll lose the people who prefer the longer worded stuff. Find a good medium between the two, and you'll master poetry to the closest possible extent.

Muse_of_the_Soul
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