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 Posted: Mon Mar 29, 2010 7:34 pm
A place of mystery and wonder, a place of magic, a place were the moon and sun do not exist, were the dusk and dawn are one, a place that has never been found and there for never lost, a place whose purpose is about to run out, a place whose bond with the last of its children, a child born from this place who has yet to enter it, with this purpose gone the bond broken, and with the death of this child does this place of mystery and wonder, a place of magic, a place were the moon and sun do not exist were the dusk and dawn are one a place that has never been found and there for never lost will die. Now I will tell you of the journey this child must take if he ever wants to know where he belongs.
The cling of glasses hitting the tables the sound of forks and knives scratching against the plates and the sound of horrid singing from the drunks came from down below. For the fifth time that night Karce woke form his soundless sleep. With this he gave up. Slowly he rose out of his cot and got dressed in a long sleeve tunic, followed by pants and boots, he left his long silver white hair down he didn’t bother to mess with it. So with his hair in a few knots he descended down the creaky stairwell into the bar. There standing like she did every night stood the owner, the landlord, and his foster mother, Mrs. Krink. Her name did not match her for she was the most beautiful, charming, and irresistible woman that you could find for miles. “Karce”! With this single word an angles voice broke the crowds voice just to hear her in an instant the men of the bar stopped and waited anxious to hear more. “Didn’t I tell you to go to bed?! Fine if that’s how you want it you take care of the dishes but before that get the sleeping drunks out of here, if they are asleep then what money do I make they just take up room.”
Without another word Karce got to work he preferred it that way. You see Karce hated to dream, always the same one. Always about a place that he had never seen let alone heard of. He knew from the beginning that he was different so did Mrs. Krink. Actually the only reason Karce lived in Mrs. Krink’s house was because the orphanage wanted him gone quick fast and in a hurry. So Mrs. Krink got him for free she needed the extra set of hands ever since her husband found the rope and a sturdy beam. But ever since Mr. Trew applied for the job she wanted Mr. Trew alone so she had to wait for all the other men to get drunk so they wouldn’t notice because as soon as they noticed who she fancied they would either leave the bar or kill him Mr. Trew out of jealousy so by the time they all got drunk it was late so she used this accuse to send Karce to bed. So that is how Karce ended up in this house and in his room. After a few hours of hard labor the bar finally closed and his work was finished, and Mrs. Krink went upstairs to slip into something comfortable.
Mr. Trew had not yet left when he slid onto one of the bar seats. “Karce, can I ask you something?”
“Who am I to stop you?”
“Leave this place.”
“Ha-ha that’s not a question.”
“You need to go to her.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Go or she dies.”
“Who?”
“I …don’t …know. But even I can feel that you are different from others even if its not a physical difference cant you hear her calling you?”
“How do you know this who are you?”
“I am too old and never been here tonight I will die although I may not look it but im much older than I appear. We have short lives you and I my white hair is almost gone and you are the last of us.”
Karce did notice the slight white that was slowly disappearing before his eyes. The more he thought about his dreams the more he realized that there was a voice. With this he left and Mr. Trew had died. As he ran he realized that this was not himself that something someone took over. No! He thought to himself nothing took over he was no longer caged and shackled. Soon with this new freedom the world no longer became the world he knew, with his new freedom came new questions, and the world he knew became
a place of mystery and wonder, a place of magic, a place were the moon and sun do not exist, were the dusk and dawn are one, a place that has never been found and there for never lost.
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Posted: Tue Mar 30, 2010 12:30 am
My edits/comments in purple motnaf-chan A place of mystery and wonder ; a place of magic . A place w here the moon and sun do not exist ; w here the dusk and dawn are one . A place that has never been found and , there fore, never lost . A place whose purpose is about to run out ; a place whose bond with the last of its children, a child born from this place who has yet to enter it, with this purpose gone the bond broken, and with the death of this child does this place of mystery and wonder, a place of magic, a place were the moon and sun do not exist were the dusk and dawn are one a place that has never been found and there for never lost will die. Now I will tell you of the journey this child must take if he ever wants to know where he belongs. Personally, I think you need to revise sentence structure and pace. I amended the beginning as I felt it was needed. I think the last half doesn't really make sense with or without amendments.
You also need to look at the sentences where you have put things like "place whose". Whose implies that you're referring to a person but you're not; so it doesn't really make sense. In terms of the content, the short sentences will still create a fast pace which I'm guessing is what you want. It still sounds interesting and would still encourage me to read once the issues I pointed out were addressed.The cling of glasses hitting the tables ; the sound of forks and knives scratching against the plates ; and the sound of horrid singing from the drunks came from down below. For the fifth time that night Karce woke form his soundless sleep ; he finally gave up trying. Slowly he rose out of his cot and got dressed in a long sleeve tunic, followed by pants and boots, he left his long silver white hair down he didn’t bother to mess with it. So with his hair in a few knots He descended down the creaky stairwell into the bar. There , standing like she did every night , stood Mrs Krink who was many things, including the owner ; the landlord ; and his foster mother. Her name did not match her for she was the most beautiful, charming, and irresistible woman that you could find for miles. “Karce”! With this single word an the angelic voice broke through the crowds voice cacaphony;just to hear her in an instant the men of the bar stopped and waited all heads turned, anxious to hear more. “Didn’t I tell you to go to bed?! Fine , if that’s how you want it , you take care of the dishes but before that get the sleeping drunks out of here ! If they are asleep , then what money do I make ? They just take up room !”
Ok, the first thing I think you need to address (as I mentioned in first paragraph) is the structure. A lot of that can be addressed with correct use of punctuation. There's a guide in writing forum http://www.gaiaonline.com/forum/writers/fizzlesticks-grammar-and-punctuation/t.33122959/ which is quite useful or there are plenty of books on sale/guides on the web you can refer to.
In addressing punctuation, this will also help to correct the pace. If you want suspense or intrigue you shorten your sentences. If you want the pace to slow, you lengthen them (just not too long). The way I find useful is to think of myself reading the piece aloud. How does it sound? When you breath naturally add punctuation. The type of natural break dictates what punctuation. ie/ if it's a very brief pause, a comma should suffice. If it's a proper break in sentence and seems to be a natural break, then a full stop would be better. You then have semi-colons, colons and such to play with but you're best referring to the guides for a detailed description of correct usage. In using correct punctuation, it also helps the piece to make a little more sense as when I was reading the last half of first paragraph, I got a little lost as to where the story was heading there were so many fractured sentences but they didn't really tell me much as they were phrased. If you revise this, then that should make it a much easier read!
I've added above what I feel was needed but that doesn't mean you have to use it. Just my opinion!
In terms of dialogue, the same rules with punctuation apply. I'd also recommend start a new line or paragraph for every line of dialogue. In doing so, it makes it easier to work out who is talking. Again, I'd read up on some guides as to how best to structure dialogue (though I see later in the text you have followed that structure, just ensure you're consistent).
You may have notice some sentences struck through. These are sentences I couldn't revise or felt didn't work too well. I think some of them were unnecessary. eg/ "he didn’t bother to mess with it. So with his hair in a few knots" personally, I feel that these comments were unnecessary as you'd previously said he'd left his hair down. The latter part of the quote I also felt wasn't needed, I don't think it really added much to the story and most readers probably wouldn't mind his "hair in a few knots". If you liked you could work the description in with when he got up, such as "he left his long, silver white hair down and dishevelled"? At least then you're working the description in, and sounds more professional.
I hope this has helped and I look forward to seeing more of your work and how you develop as a writer. Have fun!
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Posted: Tue Mar 30, 2010 4:15 am
omg thankyou!!!! i will probably copy and past what you have done take it off revise it then repost. iwrote this a while ago so i knew there were going to be mistakes.
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Posted: Tue Mar 30, 2010 5:36 am
motnaf-chan omg thankyou!!!! i will probably copy and past what you have done take it off revise it then repost. iwrote this a while ago so i knew there were going to be mistakes.
Always strive for creating the best works you can by being as critical of your own work as you are capable of; in doing so you'll know what you need more practice with. <3
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