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This is a story that was co-written by me and a friend at school. Most of it was by me, but a few parts (So far) are by him. A large portion of this is subject to change. The writing is in no way complete, and this is a mere rough draft of the beginning.

Once upon a time the world was in chaos.

A great king said "No money for you peasant!" And went on his merry way, slaughtering, maiming and murdering those who could not pay his exorbitant fees.

Rodgarr der Barbarian saw the dark castle and exclaimed "I want NOW!" and with his gargantuan arms he single handedly bashed the door in. He then said "All out now!" and tore the head off of a passing guard to prove a point.

Guards rushed forwards to stop him, but Rodgarr said "No can touch me!" and let out a bloodcurdling battlecry. He promptly ripped them apart with his bare hands and began roasting them over a fire. "Yum, good eats," the Barbarian muttered.

Far, far away in a high wizards tower sat the great mage Bigillus, ruler of all things magical. In his hands he held a glass of wine and a staff. Sipping from the glass, he stared pensively into his crystal chandelier that hung above him, displaying images of the barbarian's flesh feast.

The wizard set down his wine glass and picked up a magazine on his night table, hurrying off to the castle.

As Rodgarr finishes eating more guards come around the corner heavily armed, this time with archers. The archers shot volley after volley of arrows at the Barbarian.
Enraged, Rodgarr yells "Twigs no hurt Rodgarr! Rodgarr hurt twigs!" he then ran at the guards and started bashng their skulls in with his bare hands.

Bigillus arrived at the scene fo the flesh feast and frowned, the various mutilated bodies and charred remains seemed quite fresh and the many smashed skulls missing their respective bodies were still leaking brains and various fluids related to the head area.

The Barbarian seemed as fierce as Bigillus had hoped, maybe he could take down the ferocious dragon that was holed up in the basement of the mages' wizard's tower.

His tower was owned by the great mage Phallus before ownership was passed down to Bigillus. Unfortunately,Phallus had protected his great trove of treasure and knowledge by summoning a great dragon to defend his stash.

Bigillus dropped a gold chalice upon the floor and backed up, knowing that the clink would be heard by the Barbarian and the alluring shine of the gold would attract him to it.

In the distance Bigillus hears a rumbling voice say "What 'dat?" and the sounds of heavy footsteps moving his way.
He grinned and waited, the Barbarian seemed strong but stupid, even more useful to his cause.

Rodgarr sees the gold and exclaims "Shiny!" he ran towards the gold, but the mage drew it to him via magic.

"Yes, very shiny," The Mage said. "You want the shiny, don't you? Ah ah, you have to do something for me first." he idly set the magazine upon an unbroken wooden table.and waved the chalice in the barbarians face.

(From here onwards the story is written entirely by me, and is the least concrete of the tale, as my co-author may or may not approve of my additions to the tale.)

Rodgarr stared at the chalice and said, "What you want?"

"Only a small favor for one of such might," the mage said through grinning teeth, "Only to kill a ferocious fire breathing dragon."

"Draggun'?"

"A dragon indeed," Bigillus exclaimed, "Maybe it is too much of a challenge even for a warrior of such magnitude as you, hm?" he needled.

Rodgarr stared at the chalice, seemingly deep into whatever semblance of thoughts he may have. Finally he spoke, "Me kill draggin', I get shiny gold cup?"

"Yes, and there should be much more of itafter you slaughter the foul beast!"

The Barbarian nodded, "Will do. Deal." He held out a giant hand to shake.

The wizard shook the hand, wincing slighty as he heard all of his hand bones pop and crackle. "Yes! Deal indeed! You can keep the cup, just think of it as an advance pay."

Rodgarr placed his new treasure in his "Swag Bag", beside a preserved head in a jar, and a photo of his mother who lived way back in the barbarian lands of Kentucky.

He then eyed the magazine while Bigillus had his nose in his Pouch of Infinite Space Unless You Want to Put the Kitchen Sink in It, rooting for some undetermined object. The Barbarian couldn't resist and picked up the mag,thumbing through the flimsy pages.

The foolish Barbarian found he couldn't understand a damn thing in the magazine and there were no pictures. "Stupid paper," he muttered, tearing it into bits.

Bigillus, hearing the sound of magazines being torn, looked away from his PISUYWPKSI and made a mortified shout of terror.

"You fool, you brute, laggard, asshat!" He yelled, punching the barbarian's broad back with his flimsy fists with every word, "My Spellcaster's Digest! I haven't read the final spell, you imbecile!"

"We must get another," he continued, "We HAVE to get another. The problem is there are only two on the American Isle! The worst part is that it is owned by my worst enemy and ruler of the Untamed Sanctum of Anarchy, Broama Ackbar! The wizard of the black arts!"

Rodgarr only stared blankly, "Wut?"

Bigillus facepalmed and said slowly, "We need another magazine and the bad Mr. Ackbar is the only one who has another copy this side of Los Argos!"

Los Argos is an extremely popular city on the western side of the American Isle, located in the province of Kaliforna, as popular as it is, it's also a dangerous place with much looting and panic attacks. But, if fortune takes your hand, you can make it big there without having too many heart attacks..

"You cannot fight the Dragon until I get that magazine and learn the spell within it! It was a spell to ward off the dragons fire! The strongest fire of mortals, almost comparable to the flames of the gods! You'll be ashes unless I get that spell!"

Rodgarr nodded, Bigillus had said it in terms he could understand "I loot castle first," He said.

Bigillus nodded, "Go on then! Finish your conquest and let us be done with this place!"

And so Rodgarr killed king Notnilc, who, at the time, was making a public address about a certain scandal with a woman in his kingly office, where it is reported that she was doing something too inappropriate to be written in this narration.

Needless to say, the Barbarian had fun and filled his swag bag to near fullness. Near the end of his looting spree he found a beautiful maiden resting upon a stone tablet, her face bathed in moonlight from a nearby window.
Instantly he was enamored wit this woman, her plump lips, large bosom, and fair skin attracted him to herinstantly, and her long blonde hair set his heart afire.

The Barbarian knew he had to have this woman, so he shook her to wake her from her slumber. She didn't rise, so he tried something from the stories his mother told him and kissed her flush on the lips.

Didn't work.

Quite frustrated, he picked up the woman and smashed the tablet to bits with his free hand.

No time is better to describe our Barbarian hero than when he's carrying a limp, beautiful woman and showing his fury by smashing heavy stone tablets to bits with one hand.

Rodgarr is tall and wide, with large, rippling muscles and short brown hair. His face is so constantly contorted in anger that his blue eyes, calm and cool, constantly set one off guard. He is barely clothed, only wearing a simple pair of leather leggings and a swag bag slung over his shoulder.

Often times he uses his bare hands in combat, but he carries two short battle axes just in case. Those, and a bow and quiver of arrows are strapped to his back by a complex network of chains and straps on his back.

His body, the visible parts, that is, is covered in crisscrossing networks of scars from his many battles and already the arrow wounds from his previous fight were healing.

After smashing the tablet he felt considerably better and now thought to ask the wizard for help and promptly went to speak with him.

Bigillus was trying in vain to piece together the magazine, he sighed and sat against the wall, staring into the decapitated head of a guard. He picked it up and vaporized any fleshy parts, staring into the dead sockets with a furrowed brow.

Bigillus is your typical wizard, pointy and crooked hat, gray robes, and a long bushy and gray beard all accentuate the fact that he as as average as a wizard can get, and his big bushy eyebrows didn't help. The only thing that could be odd is that his pupils are different sizes almost all of the time, and even then some could say that's quite average for a group of weirdos that are supposed to be able to control the elements.

The only group of weirdos that are called weirder by the general public are the druids of stockwood, who say that they can become their "Spirit animal" and be one with nature.

Bigillus laughs at them, the damn hippies. Once they got over their tree-love and got into the metal age, maybe the Mage wouldn't laugh so hard. Taking a shower once a year would help their cases by much.

Anyways, Rodgarr arrived and Bigillus stood, "Are you quite done yet? We've got to get goin- what's that, are you taking corpses as prizes?" He said this last part exasperatedly after seeing the limp form of the woman.

Rodgarr glared at him and the mage shut his mouth, even though the great mage could kill the Barbarian in a fight, it'd be a very, very close thing, and he didn't want to take the risk. "She not dead," Rodgarr spoke, "I want her, but won't wake up. Fix it."

(There's more ((Much more, I think)) but now I'd like to stop and go to sleep. Hope you enjoyed so far. Later!)

Yeah, Rodgarr is pretty badass.

To be honest though, I'm thinking of scrapping him and getting a more intelligent character. It's quite difficult writing lines for imbeciles.

Thanks for the constructive criticism, I'm gonna work on details soon.