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 Posted: Mon Mar 22, 2010 6:47 am
It had almost been a month since he had seen Dani. The last image of her was burned in his mind: cheeks red, eyes narrowed, mouth curved into a frown, shouting. This was not the version of Dani that he wanted to close his eyes and imagine, even if it was a part of her that he liked too. Her anger and competitiveness were just little pieces of the puzzle that created this person who liked him when no one else did and who he liked when most of the others gave him a headache. It was so easy for Parker to get down on himself and shut people out; it was a defense mechanism that left him friendless and reclusive for almost all of high school.
Dani was not willing to be shut out. She approached him when he was just a stranger, she came to the hospital to see him, she showed up at his school unannounced. If they were ten years older, this would seem crazy, but to Parker, it was just a sign of how they fit together. He was intense and obsessive about her in the same way that she was persistent and dedicated to him. In high school, everything can feel like the most important, most significant thing in the world, and for all of his nay-saying of high school bullshit, Parker was caught up in it too.
The path that he was walking was familiar. The suburbs surrounding Meadowview had brought him computer repair clients before. He once met Tate in the area after she left another friend's house. There was a book store that had a nice selection of used textbooks that Parker liked to visit from time to time. But today, Parker was going to the Rymner household.
The house was a single-story and painted pale blue, almost a similar shade to Dani's hair. A neat fence secluded the yard from the rest of the block, and as Parker approached, he could hear Dani's two chihuahuas yapping and chasing each other. They liked almost everyone, but it still made Parker smile to see them jump up as he slipped in through the front gate. "Hey, guys," he said, stooping to pet them. Normally he wasn't a big dog person, especially little dogs, but these two were well-trained and gentle. It helped bolster his nerves to have a warm reception, at least from them.
Parker got back to his feet and dusted off his hands on his pants. He had dressed up a little for the occasion. Parker knew Dani's schedule well enough to know that she should be home, but he also knew that her parents were there too. This would be the first time he actually saw them face to face. Usually he just met Dani at the fence. That afternoon, Parker wore a gray-blue sweater, dark jeans, and a pair of his best black Converses. It looked like he had gotten a hair cut recently, and his dark hair was neatly combed and pushed out of his face. Even looking his best, there was something hawkish and downtrodden about Parker.
It was probably his fear that this encounter was going to blow up in his face and steal the one person who meant so much to him away.
Yeah. Maybe that.
Swallowing hard, Parker walked up to the door and knocked. He could've texted Dani about this, but after so much time, he had to do something bigger. As his mother would have said, he had to make a gesture.
Well, here he was. At her house. Gesturing.
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Posted: Mon Mar 22, 2010 7:33 am
Dani was home. She was actually in her room, putting the finishing touches on her face. Not because she had anywhere in particular to be, but because she didn't feel like lounging around the house until dinnertime, and she had plans to find somewhere to be. Maybe she'd just go browse some shops, maybe her feet would take her past Hillworth... who knew. She didn't know. She knew what she wanted to do, but she didn't know exactly how she wanted to do it yet.
She also knew that it had been a month since she'd spoken to Parker, and she missed him like she hadn't missed anything else in her life. It was a little frightening, and it was almost a little lowering, to think that there was someone whose absence in her life could shake it up as badly as he had. She'd always prided herself on being capable and independent, and had looked at dating with the critical eye of a girl who saw herself above that nonsense, at least in high school. Boys were after one thing, right? She wasn't the kind of girl who would humor anyone's hormones, especially not when there was so much she wanted to do.
Still, as she smacked her lips, she knew she needed to see Parker. Soon. She didn't want to lose what they had, and even if it wasn't what she expected and the thought of needing someone as much as she seemed to need him made her panic a little bit, she knew she did need him. Parker wasn't like anyone else, Parker... Parker balanced her. She'd thought about it a lot, and though she had a steady routine, though she nearly viciously mapped out where she would be and when each day, Parker was the final element in her schedule that tied it all together. Prior to Parker, she'd just been Dani who went for a run, went to school, did her homework, worked out, made dinner, and went to bed. With Parker, she had a goal that she'd never really had before, a new reason to test herself: do all that faster so she could see Parker. Juggle things so that she could have lunch with him.
Sneak him texts in class, even though that wasn't the kind of thing she normally did, because getting and sending them made her smile. She'd been more than content with the typical pattern of her life before, but in the past month, when she'd tried to go back to it, it had seemed somehow... lacking.
She wiped her palms on her jeans, scowled when there was a knock on the door. "Can you get that? Mom? I'm busy!"
Busy being going to her closet and trying to find an actual shirt to put on. Dani did her make-up in her bra, and since her hair was just to be tied back into its usual pigtails that day, she wasn't overly concerned about that either.
"Fine," came the reply, and Madelynn huffed, setting aside the book she'd been reading.
Rising, her mother pushed her dark hair over her shoulder, padding softly to the front door. Dani resembled her mother in the face; both had round, friendly faces, and the exact same nose and mouth, prone to both the same smiles and the same scowls if provoked properly. Her eyes, too, she seemed to take from Madelynn, if only the shape, but the resemblance seemed to end there. Madelynn was short and soft, not nearly as toned or fit as her daughter was, though she wasn't exactly out of shape.
She opened the door, dark brown eyes blinking at the boy who stood on the stoop. She'd never seen him before, but from what she'd heard from Dani, she assumed it was Parker. There was surprise on her face for a moment before she smiled, opening the door wider and stepping back.
"Hello. You must be Parker, aren't you? I'm Madelynn, Dani's mother." She began to wave him in, not thinking for a moment that he might want to just stand on the stoop and talk to her daughter. "She's busy at the moment, but she'll be out soon. Aren't you handsome," she added, not bothering to hide her perusal and approval of him.
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Posted: Mon Mar 22, 2010 7:26 pm
There was shuffling behind the door, and Parker tensed. Would it be Dani? What would she look like? Would she scowl, or smile? The doorknob started to turn. The dogs noticed too. They both began yapping and bounded over just as the door cracked open. Parker didn't realize he was holding his breath until it came rushing back out at the sight of an older woman with dark hair.
It was Dani's mother. Parker recognized her from a photo Dani had shown him once. It was on her cellphone, and the quality was poor, just two faces squished together and smiling. In person, she looked much more like Dani than Parker had originally suspected. The hair color and eyes were different, but the shape was the same, familiar. It was almost as if she was preparing him for seeing Dani. This was a version of Dani, a version whose opinion he was actually less afraid of -- at least now. It didn't hurt that she called him handsome, even if it threw him for a loop. "Oh, um, thanks, Mrs. Rymner," he said, smiling vaguely. She was short, and Parker had to look down to meet her gaze.
The dogs bounced excitedly when Mrs. Rymner answered the door. The smaller of the two wove between Parker's legs and landed a paw on her shoe. The other tripped over Parker's foot, two legs sprawled on either side of his shoe. It paused, raised its chin, and then started panting, tongue lolling out of its mouth. "It's nice to meet you," he said, scooping the fallen chihuahua off his shoe. It kicked its back legs and licked at his chin, yapping each time he turned away, until Parker set it safely back down on the ground.
Straightening, Parker cleared his throat and looked around. He had very little experience at interacting with parents, and he was nervous enough already just at the thought of seeing Dani. Mrs. Rymner had complimented him. Should he compliment her back? It seemed awkward to tell her she was pretty.
Her sweeping hand bid him inside, and Parker followed. There was a place for shoes by the door. Parker recognized Dani's scuffed tennis shoes immediately. His eyes lingered on them. It made his stomach drop. Jesus, if a pair of shoes did this to him, how would be react when the girl who wore them came to see him?
Lingering in the hallway, Parker kept his hands at his sides, careful not to bump or touch anything. This place was a museum to him. It was a testament to a happy family. Photo frames lined the walls with picture after picture of happy, smiling people. There was one of a much younger Dani (maybe 7? 8?) on the beach, nose wrinkled, holding a fish at arm's length from her body and frowning. Another had Dani hanging over her father's shoulder beside a tree, both laughing. A large photo of Mr. and Mrs. Rymner sat on a small table. Was it a honeymoon photo? They were tanned and in a tropical location.
It occurred to Parker that he had fallen silent. "I like the pictures," he said, struggling to maintain eye contact. What had Dani told them? What if they hated him? What if they thought he was a loser who was wasting their daughter's time? Mrs. Rymner didn't seem to feel that way, but Parker was paranoid. He held up a finger and pointed to the picture of Dani with the fish. "Where was this taken?" That was a good conversation piece, right?
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Posted: Wed Mar 24, 2010 8:18 am
If Madelynn noticed Parker wasn't at ease, she didn't comment or indicate it. She simply closed the door behind him, brushing her hands along the thighs of her jeans, and watched him. The dogs bustled down the hall, ears perked and tails wagging, headed for Dani's room. Along the way, they intercepted her husband, who groused at them good-naturedly while he adjusts the cuffs of his shirt.
"That was... oh, gosh, we were staying with my parents, I think." Madelynn grinned. "Dani wanted to fish until she touched one, and she hasn't picked up a pole since."
Eyes flicking to the hall, she called, "Vincent, hon, we have a guest."
He wasn't in the habit of yelling across the house like his wife and daughter, so Vincent rounded the corner, expression curious. He was a tall man, much taller than his wife, who possessed a thin, bony frame that suggested he'd never really actually been anything but tall and gangly. He'd managed to grow into his looks somewhat, but he still obviously looked like he had been a nerd in middle school, high school, college, and later life.
The icy blue hair swept over his forehead didn't help. It had probably been the source of much of his childhood angst; he had dyed it once, he'd confided to his wife, but that had ended poorly as well.
"Hello, then." His voice was crisp and a little cool, and it was obvious by the way his chin jutted out just a little bit that he was Dani's father, and he wasn't exactly impressed. Fathers were always the hardest, so they said.
"This is Parker." Madelynn said it cheerfully, and rested a hand on his shoulder. From behind Parker, the look she gave her husband made him scowl at her. It said, be nice.
He was forever being bossed around by the women in his life.
"Good to finally meet you," he said at length, going back to fussing with his cuffs. "Madelynn, can you give me one good reason in the world why this won't button?"
Maddie rolled her eyes, swept past Parker to manage the cuff herself. Helpfully, she said, "Dani is in her room -- I'd knock, though. She just got back from a run, so she probably showered and changed, so she might still be picking out a shirt."
Vincent's scowl deepened. "I could get her."
"Oh, hush. You know why it won't button? Because you have no patience."
Apparently, Parker had been dismissed.
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Posted: Wed Mar 24, 2010 8:30 am
Parker smirked at the story of Dani and the fish. It didn't precisely sound like her. Nowadays, Dani would probably claim to be totally fine with touching the gross fish, even if it bothered her. Parker actually liked fishing. He'd only done it three times, but it was always relaxing. Just him and his parents, when he was about Dani's age in that photo. Parker didn't often think of his parents together. There was Marcus, and then there was his mother. They existed in different worlds.
Dani's parents, however, lived in the same one. As Mr. Rymner rounded the corner, Parker braced himself for impact. He knew that fathers were notorious for disliking boyfriends, and Dani had mentioned her father's comments on how much time they spent together. Judging from the coolness in Vincent's tone, Parker's suspicions were well-founded. "Hello," he started to say, but was cut off by Vincent's issue with the button. Just as well. Parker's mouth tended to get him in trouble.
The mention of Dani freshly showered and potentially topless did little to make Parker more comfortable. "Oh, okay," he said. From talks with Dani, Parker knew the direction of her room. "Nice meeting you." He waved dumbly and walked slowly to Dani's room. Each step felt heavier than the next, his breath catching in his throat.
What was about to happen when he opened that door? Would she look happy? Relieved? Or would she scowl and demand to know what he was doing at her house? These were questions that Parker didn't know the answer to, not yet.
He came to a stop in front of a door with a plush pink pillow hanging from a tiny hook. It said The Princess is in! In spite of his nerves, Parker almost laughed at it. When had she gotten this thing? When she was six? The smirk fell, and the anxiety returned. His hand raised, slower still, and Parker offered two short, half-hearted knocks. Oh, what was that above him? The Sword of Damocles? Sure hope it doesn't fall...
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Posted: Fri Mar 26, 2010 2:39 pm
Dani's hand was skimming over the shirts arranged in her closet, and she chewed her lip as she tried to decide on one. It wasn't actually a matter of serious importance what she wore, considering her parents were going out for date night and she was not invited, but she still wanted to look cute, even if that meant she looked cute long enough to walk her dogs to the park and back. Not that she was trying to impress or attract anyone, but a girl wanted to look good, all right? She definitely wasn't hoping to run into Parker at the cafe where they'd met or anything.
Even in her own thoughts, she couldn't convince herself she didn't want to just talk and make up already. She had no idea what she wanted to say when she saw him, and was kind of avoiding rehearsing it, anyway. She was the kind of girl who tended to fly by the seat of her pants, and was hoping it would just come to her when the moment presented itself. Not the best plan, but it had worked for her in the past, so she didn't see why she should deviate from it. Besides, everything with Parker had been spontaneous so far, so...
Frustrated, she slapped a hanger, watched it shake as a knock sounded on her door. She hiked a brow, glancing toward it, and said, "Just a minute."
She assumed it was one of her parents, and as she wasn't in the habit of talking to them in just her bra, randomly selected a shirt. It was a pink button-down, and she shrugged it on, glancing down the line of buttons while she did them up. All that thought, and she picked one at random. Ugh, whatever.
Shirt properly situated, she pushed her pigtails over her shoulders, opened her door with a half-exasperated look on her face. The what was half-formed, but died before any sound could actually be made; she just stood there, mouth in a small circle, eyes a little wide at the person standing on the other side of her door.
It wasn't one of her parents at all.
The hand that had been propped up on her hip slipped, catching against the denim of her jeans. For a long moment, she simply stared, closing her mouth slowly as she searched his face. Parker had never come into her house. Parker had never actually gone beyond the fence outside, if she recalled correctly, and she was pretty sure she did. In order for him to have made it to her room, there was no doubt he'd met her parents, however briefly.
She was torn between being relieved and embarrassed, and the latter wasn't because he'd finally met her parents. It was mostly because it had taken them this long, and in the end, Parker had been the one who had come to her. Normally, she'd say, that was exactly how it was supposed to be. Dani wasn't a girl who scraped and groveled for anyone, and she definitely didn't make the first gesture of apology. It shamed her a little that she still felt that way, a little bit, even about Parker -- she hadn't quite been able to bring herself to take the first step, go see him, spill everything she'd been thinking and feeling over the past month.
Even now, for once in her life, she was speechless. It was really not like her.
She shifted her weight, clenching the hand at her side into a loose fist. In the past, such an act would have meant she was about to slug him, companionably, but that day, it was just nerves -- something else that wasn't quite like Dani.
"Hi," she said finally, unable to tear her gaze away from his face. A few more beats of silence passed between them, when she asked, abruptly, "Do you want to come in?"
And she gestured behind her, to a room that was full of all the girlish things Dani denied in every other part of her life. There was her bed, covered in down blankets and piled with soft, comfortable pillows in shades of purples. Her vanity had make-up lined all around it, a few bottles of perfume, pictures stuck in the side of the mirror. Friends and family, moments that she didn't want to forget. There was one picture of her and Parker, up near the top, but he looked tight-lipped and uneasy; he hadn't wanted the picture taken. Still, it held a place of almost prominence on her mirror.
The room was tidy, and tucked up against the corner, there was a hamper full of laundry. It was obvious that it was almost time for her to haul the laundry away, because one bubblegum pink sleeve was dangling out of the side, the lid clamped over the top of it. Her closet was open, a myriad of colors and different fabrics, and there were a few pairs of shoes lined up inside. There was no television in her room, but on the other end of the closet was a set of weights and a mat to work out on.
Definitely Dani's room; a meeting of the soft and the athletic, organized but still bright. To date, she hadn't actually invited anyone else in. Her room was her sanctuary, a safe place, a place that her parents didn't even come into unless they knocked first.
She wasn't smiling, but her face wasn't set in harsh, angry lines either. As she looked back at him, she seemed almost uncertain.
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Posted: Sat Mar 27, 2010 11:24 am
The door opened, but Parker did not feel the rush of relief he hoped for. The knots in his stomach formed another kink, his palms condensing like a glass of ice water left out on a porch railing. She looked the same. Had he expected that? The time apart made Parker feel different. Maybe he thought he'd see some of that change in Dani too. Instead, he saw only the icy blue hair, the piercing sea foam green of her eyes, and the bright pink of her shirt. She was an Easter egg basket to his black puddle of tar, even then.
The look of shocked surprise that pulled her features into unfamiliar angles was strange to him.
"Hi," he said, fumbling. "Am I... allowed to...?" Having just met her parents, Parker didn't exactly want to get on their bad side any more than he assumed he already was. Then again, her mother had sent him back to Dani's room with the full knowledge that her daughter was getting dressed. Was that what parents did? Parker hadn't had his own set in so long. He didn't know.
After a few pregnant moments, Parker said, "Okay," and followed Dani into her room. Her room, wow. It was a place he had pictured in his head a thousand times. She described bits and pieces of it to him before, but actually seeing it in person was another thing. The color scheme was too bright for him, but he knew it would be. To the uniformed eye, it might look like two girls shared this room together, but wherever Parker glanced, he saw only Dani and all her Dani-ness radiating outward.
The speech that he had practiced over and over on the way over here slipped from his head. Parker took a few steps forward, looked around. It was quiet, too quiet. He half expected she would just start screaming, but she hadn't. That was good, right? Parker still felt like she was wrong. But he was willing to be the bigger person if it meant getting her back.
His hand slipped into his pocket, and Parker remembered his excuse for coming here. "Oh, I needed to tell you something..." He turned and held out a hand. The broken mirror lay there. It looked fine, except for the missing shards in the mirror face and the thick cracks that split the reflection. "I'm sorry. I was at the beach with Tate, and she... well, it fell. It broke." No need to air Tate's weird mirror-episode now. They had more important things to discuss. "I tried to find someone to fix the mirror part, but it was a custom job, and they said they'd have to just make a new one, or something." Parker passed the mirror to her.
Would she be upset about that too? He didn't know. But that broken mirror gave him the courage to come here. "I'm sorry I broke your mirror," he said, glancing up to her. It was an unsure stare, but there was a certain intensity behind it, a need to say all the other things that he was sorry about too, as well as the things that made him mad.
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Posted: Sat Mar 27, 2010 11:40 am
He walked in, and she shut the door behind her. Though her parents weren't the most unrestricted pair of people in the world, they knew and trusted their daughter enough that she could have someone alone in her room. Probably. She stared at the door a moment, wondering, before turning back around.
Parker was.. in her room. It was surreal, but at the same time, she was glad. Really glad, really relieved, and really nervous. She'd told herself that when the moment came the words would just come to her, but they didn't seem to want to. She clasped her hands in front of her, watched him as he pulled out a mirror, frowned faintly at it. So that was where that had went -- she'd left it with Parker. Well, that explained why she couldn't find it.
She'd bought a five dollar one to replace it, and it was cheerful and pink, but it wasn't quite the same. After a second, she accepted the mirror, running a finger across the unbroken part of it. He'd come to bring her back a... mirror.
At face value, that was disappointing. But Dani knew that it wasn't just the mirror. He wouldn't have come if it was just the mirror.
So, she crossed to her vanity, set it down carefully next to the bottles of perfume that lined the right side. She turned again, bracing her hands against the edge of it, and looked at him again. Slowly, she nodded, and a smile tipped up the corners of her mouth.
It really was good to see him. "It's okay. It's just a mirror, Parker. It's just a thing."
She looked down at her feet, at the sensible socks she wore, read Adidas a couple of times. Then, she peeked back up at him, exhaled, and her shoulders relaxed a little.
"I've missed you." It wasn't just that she missed him, but that she missed him, and she hadn't meant to say it. Still, looking at him from across the room, barely six feet between them, it was all that came to mind.
Her mouth tightened, lips pursed, and she added, "A lot."
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Posted: Sat Mar 27, 2010 12:04 pm
Parker felt weird being in a happy house filled with loving family members and parents who trusted their daughter enough to leave her behind a closed door with an older boy. He hadn't had his own happy home since he was eleven when his mother died, and even then, it was touch and go depending on his father. But his mother? She made it loving. She made it home.
In all of the dreaming Parker did about Dani's room, it was never like this. He wished he could be there under different circumstances. But he wasn't. Parker had learned very early in life that you can never expect life to be what you want, but that you can try to make the things that you want exist in spite of it. Going to Hillworth was not conducive to becoming the philosopher that he had always dreamed of being, but he made it work by hiding books and holing away in courtyards and behind buildings. This thing with Dani, too, he hoped to will into existence in spite of the wall stacking up between them.
When Dani took the mirror, Parker read the disappointment on her face. Was it about the mirror? Or was it about him? He never could read her precisely, even if he could pick out the emotion. It bothered him then, and it bothered him now. She walked away, and he fought the urge to trail behind her like some stray dog. Instead, he tucked a hand into his pocket and pulled at the line of lint filling the bottom of his pocket.
Dani stared at her socks, and Parker frowned. Did she want him to leave? He couldn't leave until he said what he wanted to... could he? The idea of Dani rejecting him now seemed more painful than if she had just slammed the door in his face at the start. By letting him in the room, she had given him hope, she had made his chest swell, she had made him believe that---
Wait. What did she say?
It took Parker's brain a few lagging seconds to catch up with his ears. The words flew out of his mouth before he could catch them back. "I missed you too." It was very hard for him not to close the distance between them. He really wanted to close the distance between them.
Parker just needed to know that he would be allowed to hold her again, but if he held her now, he would never say the things that he needed to say. He glanced down. "I need to talk to you. About what happened. And why it wasn't okay with me." He looked up to her. "It still isn't okay with me, Dani." His hand freed itself from his pocket and hung limply by his side. His fingers rose with his words, but Parker seemed unsure of moving much, as if moving might roll him out of bed and wake him up from this dream.
"My family is not like your family. My life is not like your life." How could he say this? Where were the clever words he practiced before? Parker touched at his hair line. "I... I thought of how to say this earlier." Exasperation rang in the words, but he pushed on, as if stopping now would mean stopping forever. "You cannot understand my family dynamic, or what it was like for me growing up. You just can't. And when you dove into my privacy like that, you violated something bigger than a letter. I have told you some things, but you don't know everything. And I don't... I don't want to feel like you have to know. I care about you, but that doesn't mean you are going to know everything about me all of the time, and you aren't entitled to know all of that either." Would she understand this? Could she understand this?
He let his hand fall back down. "You're used to getting your way, and most of the time, I am okay with that. But this was not one of those times. I grew up... I lived..." The words swam through his fingers. He didn't know if he was saying the right thing, but this was what he wanted to say. "I went through things that you didn't go through. And those are my things, my things to handle." Parker stared hard at her. He had more to say, but for now, that was all that could force its way out.
Now the question: would she stay, or would she go?
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Posted: Sat Mar 27, 2010 12:26 pm
He missed her too, and that made her heart swell. Despite the fight they'd had, which was a bigger fight than she could have imagined, especially in such a fledgling relationship, he'd missed her. There they were, two people who really didn't want to be apart, and the practical side of her said so stop being apart, but something still held her back. Even if she didn't like it, even if she didn't entirely understand it, she felt like they'd needed to have this fight. They needed to set boundaries, because no matter how much they cared about each other, they were still two distinct people with places inside of themselves that the other couldn't quite touch yet. Maybe they never would be able to.
She'd had a lot of time to think over the month, and a lot of time to come to terms with that. It was near overwhelming for her to want to know everything about Parker, for her to want to take his problems and his hurts and fix them for him, but she couldn't. Not because she was incapable, she didn't think she was incapable, but because they were his hurts. He was right that she didn't understand that fully, because she'd always had loving parents. She'd always had a mother and a father who looked out for her, did what was best for her even when she didn't like it, and she took that for granted. Meeting Parker's father, she knew she took that for granted.
He had a right to be angry with her. She had a right to be angry with him, too, because he'd lied to her, and if their situations had been reversed, he would have never forgiven her for something that big. Because she hadn't experienced what he had, because the world hadn't been as unkind to her as it had him, she was expected to both accept and forgive that. It had been a bitter pill to swallow, had left a lump in her throat and a burning in her stomach, but she'd swallowed it.
She would get over the lie. She would get over the lie, even though he wouldn't be able to do the same for her, because things were different for them, and she understood that. She hadn't understood it before, but she did now, and that was what was important. Still, as much as he needed to say things to her, she needed to say them to him, too.
Surprisingly, she didn't get angry at his words. Surprisingly, when he was finished, she nodded. She wanted to walk over to him, could have no idea that she wanted it just as badly as he did, and take his hands. Just a simple gesture, a link between the two of them that she'd missed, but she couldn't yet. They had to clear the air between them, and they had to make it right before they progressed forward again.
She believed they would progress forward again.
"I understand that... now." She exhaled, and brought her hands up, talking with them. She'd always talked with her hands. "I didn't before. I thought... why did Parker lie to me? Why doesn't Parker trust me? Or, does he just think that I'm not important enough to tell the truth to?"
There wasn't censure in her voice, and she shook her head. "I realized that it wasn't those things. It took me a while, but I realized. It's not me, I'm not the reason for that, it's... you know, like you said, it's your issue. It's your life. I don't have a right-" and this grated, but she met his eyes, made him see the seriousness in hers. "-I don't have a right to shove into that. It's not my place. I'm sorry."
She pressed a hand to her chest, leaned forward unconsciously. "I care. That's a lame excuse, but that's why I got so worked up, that's why I haven't called or texted or -- it's because I care, and it hurt a lot to think that I cared more, you know, or that... that maybe I'd cared too much. I know I went about it the wrong way, and at the core of it, I really do care, but I still really only thought about myself and how hurt I was. I'm selfish."
She fisted that hand against her heart, thumped it once. "I'm a selfish person. We all are, you know, but I see now that I was really, really selfish, and only thought about me. But, you know, Parker, if I'd lied about something that big... I've thought about it, and you wouldn't forgive me. I don't think you'd forgive me," she amended, and before he could speak, she hurried on, "But that's okay, because maybe right now it doesn't really matter. We both did what we did, and we were both right and we were both wrong."
She was talking fast, just talking, and desperately wanted to stop, but she couldn't. She was afraid that she'd lose what she wanted to say, even though she didn't know what she was going to say next, and even though it felt like she was digging herself a deeper hole as she went, she couldn't stop now.
So, lamely, she said, "And I'm sorry for the parts of what I did that were wrong. I don't need to know everything, Parker, and I understand that now. I just... I just don't want any more lies." She breathed in. "If you can't tell me the truth, then just tell me that you can't. Okay? And I won't ask. I won't dig, and I won't ask, and I won't push you for what you can't give me."
Even if she wanted to.
"I'm done," she said suddenly, even though she wasn't. She was done for now. She still had to tell him that she'd met Marcus, because that was important, and that had to be out and between them before they mended things completely, but she was done just then.
One hurdle at a time.
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Posted: Sat Mar 27, 2010 12:48 pm
Dani said she understood. That was good. That was a start. It was something that Parker could work with. The words that followed her initial admission were more difficult to swallow, but he would, he would because he could forgive her, even if she didn't think so.
Parker sighed. He ran his hands through his hair, he always did when he was anxious. "You are important. I care about you a lot. I've already let you... I've..." The struggle it took for him to phrase his thoughts was evident on Parker's face. It wasn't often that a relationship lasted long enough for him to have to have this conversation at all. The territory was new for him. "I've already told you more about me than I have anyone else. I know you are an open person so maybe it doesn't seem like it to you, but I have. I never meant to hurt your feelings when I told you my dad was dead. I was trying to spare my own." He kept his hands in his hair, resting on the top of his head. It helped distract him.
The words came easier then: "I lied to protect myself. I told a lie because I felt like I had to, and I felt like it would be easier that way. It isn't fun for me to have to spill out every dark turn of my family history at the drop of a hat, Dani. A question as simple as 'How are you parents?' could take me an hour to explain." His hands fell back to his sides. "So instead I say they are dead. I have done that for a long time because it is easier than the truth." This part had not been practiced, but after he finished saying it, it felt more true than any of the words he sketched out in his notebook.
Had Dani ever lied to him? Parker didn't think so. Even if she had, he had never detected it, and accusing her now would be useless. It would only annoy her and shove any progress they had made in these past few minutes backward. "I'm sorry I hurt you. I didn't mean to do it. And I know you think I couldn't forgive you, and maybe I couldn't, but I'm a logical guy. If you explained to me why, and the reason made sense, I would forgive you." Parker believed this to be true, even if he didn't have the track record to back it up. It was easy to say she was wrong when there was no specific incident for her to use against him.
His hands started to raise back to his hair, but Parker stopped them. "I would do a lot to keep you in my life," he said, fighting the bubbles in his stomach. "I don't care about anyone but myself. Or at least I didn't. But I care about you. A lot. Probably too much," the last part was muttered, "And I don't always know how to deal with it." And I am constantly terrified that you will abandon me. He couldn't bring himself to say this, but he knew it was the crux of his insecurity over the issue.
Then, if it would help, Parker swallowed his pride and said it again: "I'm sorry."
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Posted: Sat Mar 27, 2010 1:13 pm
He'd had a turn to talk, and she'd had a turn to talk. Neither had interrupted the other, and she thought that was a good precedent to set, so she listened carefully while he spoke, too. Dani wasn't used to listening exclusively to someone else; she generally took bits and pieces of it and jumped the gun, strung them together to something that made sense to suit her own purposes, and went with it. Even now, part of her was trying to do that, was threading his words to make her seem a little more right, a little more justified. She had to stop herself, and it was hard, but she managed.
We were both right, and we were both wrong was a mantra running through her head. She had to remember that she'd already said that, admitted it, and knew it was true. Just like she knew that Parker really was doing the best he could, telling he all he felt that could, even if it grated and it bothered her that he had to hide something that big from her.
She hid something big from him, too, but that was to protect him just as much as it was to protect her. Maybe it was just her justifying it to herself, and maybe she still felt a little bad, especially since she was dragging out this honesty thing between them, but she couldn't tell him. Just couldn't.
Even though she wanted to, she also hoped there never came a day when she had to henshin in front of him, because that would mean he was in immediate danger, and she didn't want that for Parker. Hell, he'd almost had his starseed stolen once already! She definitely couldn't tell him, because it would just make him a target.
So, she smothered the guilt she felt, and nodded. She started to step forward at his last apology, hands inching up, but stopped. Stopped, because there was one more thing, one more thing that really needed to be said.
"I care about you, too. I never thought I'd care so much about someone." She sounded a little awed by that, briefly. "It surprises me, but... you know, it's true. So, I need to be honest with you."
Her fingers curled into fists, and she looked him in the face, even though she didn't quite want to. "I met your father. We talked for... about a half an hour."
And this was probably the one thing that would make or break them. She wondered, even as she braced herself for the worst, what he would make of it. Would this change his mind entirely? Would it not matter that he cared about her as much as he said he did, because she'd taken all of this one extra step, had gone to meet him herself?
They'd both apologized, and they'd both accepted each other's apologies to a point. This was something else on the table, though, and she found herself holding her breath.
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Posted: Sat Mar 27, 2010 1:24 pm
At first, Parker did not move. He just stared at her, as if suddenly the world would skip backward a few seconds and replay the moment over. He heard her wrong. He had to have heard her wrong. Only the most meddling, insensitive, manipulative person would do that, right? Only someone who wanted to hurt him. Someone would wanted to dig the knife deeper into his chest.
His lips parted. Parker could not look away from her. A million feelings and thoughts whirred through his head, and for an instant, Parker was afraid he might explode in a flurry of screams. He could picture it: Dani turning red and crying, her father bursting through the door and dragging him out, her mother pointing a finger and yelling, the two dogs yapping their heads off, gnawing at his ankles. Then that would be it, the kiss of death.
Her bed was beside him, and Parker took a seat on it. He propped his elbows up on his knees and held his face in his hands. This was no longer an awkward silence; it was pained. Dani went to the rehabilitation prison to visit his father. His father. She had talked to him. What had she said? What had he said? If reading the letter was bad, then this was like pouring gasoline over everything and lighting a ******** match.
His head was still in his hands when he spoke, words bouncing off the floor. He said, "I'm sure he told you what a colossal mistake that was." Marcus Damhnait was a terrible father, but he knew his son well enough to know that. Dani should have known it too. This need to interfere with his privacy -- why did Dani feel so vindicated in it? In that moment, she was ugly to him, meddling. It was a brief glimmer of a part of her he didn't like. Good thing there was the rest of her too.
Parker could not look her in the eye. He was too afraid of what he might say. "God ******** damnit, Dani. If I didn't love you, I would march out of this ******** house right now." Emotions were running high. So high, in fact, that Parker barely realized that he was cursing, let alone what he had said in the midst of that.
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Posted: Sat Mar 27, 2010 1:42 pm
Her stomach dropped, and she felt real panic for the first time. She'd known, part of her had known, that going to see Marcus was a bad idea. It was a part of her personality that she couldn't curb, couldn't stomp into submission even if she wanted to: if she cared, she meddled. If she cared, she pushed. If she cared, she had to be hands-on, she had to make every part of herself give her all to the person that she cared about. She said she was going to try to change that, and she meant it. She was really, really going to -- no, she was going to change that, because she knew it was important to Parker. But she'd still needed to come clean.
Even if she regretted it with everything she had, for those terribly long moments where he said nothing, she'd needed to tell him the truth. Her palms sprang damp, and she rubbed them on the tights of her jeans, licked her lips while she struggled to notice anything but the wild beating of her own heart. In the past, she'd ruined friendships by shoving too far, and she knew it -- didn't want to admit it, but she knew it -- and she was afraid that she'd done it again. Ruined her most important friendship, ruined the closest bond she'd shared with someone for as long as she could remember.
She remained rooted, watched his hands grip his temples, watched the tension in his shoulders when he spoke. Her heart twisted, and she steeled herself, saying that at least she wouldn't cry -- at least she'd man up and take her punches like she deserved -- but she couldn't help closing her eyes for just a second. He didn't even want to look at her. She'd really, really gone too far.
She'd gone too far, and if he didn't love her, he'd be marching right...
Her breath caught, and everything stilled, everything paused for just a moment. They hadn't said love to each other. They cared about each other, they liked each other, they enjoyed each other, but they hadn't ever said they loved each other. Love was a big word for someone who was only eighteen, bigger for someone who was only fifteen. It was a word that was tossed around, cheapened, a word used as leverage to get into someone's pants, useless after it was spoken. It was a word that, at their age, didn't really mean what it should mean.
It was a frightening word. It was a really, really big word, and he'd said it, even though he didn't seem to realize that he'd said it. Through the anger and whatever else he was feeling, through whatever was gripping him so tightly he couldn't even look at her, love had slipped out, and he hadn't even noticed to be able to take it back. Did that mean he meant it? Did that mean he really meant it?
No one aside from her parents had ever told her that they loved her. She would have rolled her eyes if a boyfriend said that, would have dismissed it as easily as it would have no doubt been spoken. She was too young to be in love. She didn't even want someone to love her, much less to think about if she loved him, if she really wanted to go there, if...
She remembered to breathe, and it actually hurt. She knew she cared, but did she love Parker? Did she? He'd said it, and there was no taking it back, and she couldn't just pretend she hadn't heard it. There was no way. Things were changing between them so fast that it was hard for her to keep up, and Dani was used to being the one to set the pace. It left her reeling.
She made it about a step away from him, feet dragging against the carpet, but stopped. She stopped, and stared at the top of his head, and couldn't bring herself to drop on the bed beside him, or touch him, or do anything, really, except say in a small voice, a careful voice, "Don't leave."
She'd never been good at hiding her emotions. Anger, amusement, happiness, they were always right on her face, bright in her eyes, obvious in her tone. She just didn't really have it in her to restrict herself. Just then, it was all naked in her expression, the uncertainty and the fear, the disbelief and the tiny, tiny sliver of something that might have been hope, when she asked, fingers brushing his shoulder, "Please, don't."
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Posted: Sat Mar 27, 2010 2:22 pm
Parker hadn't realized what he said. He took any uncertainty that Dani might be showing for apprehension over the repercussions of meeting his father. When she stepped closer, Parker stiffened. Her fingers brushed his shoulder. Instinctively, Parker reached for her hand.
A part of him wanted to stay mad so that she could understand the gravity of what she had done, but with her so close, Parker could only feel a need to keep her there. Goddamnit. She had that hold on him. "Don't do that again," he countered, slipping his hand away from hers. Parker glanced up to her face. This was a new thing, him having to look up. Usually, she was the short one.
"Don't make a habit of crossing these lines," he said darkly. Parker really wanted this to be okay, but Dani was making it pretty damn hard. She was lucky that this would take him a long time to process. His opinions were only half-formed, and his emotions were telling him to pull her down into his arms. Parker just sat there. "I'm not leaving," he said at last. "You should've figured that out when I knocked on your door." It wasn't mocking, but it wasn't playful.
Parker took pretty much everything in his life too seriously. Dani, more than anything. He believed that the only way he could make the things he cared about stay was to smother them with his attention. It was just lucky that Dani was capable of handling that. Would it be wrong to kiss her then? Sitting below her, glancing up, it was all he could think about, it was the only thing that kept him from getting angrier.
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