|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Fri Mar 19, 2010 2:18 pm
(Because I don`t write many texts in English, I decided to do a kind of patchwork. I will now and then write parts of a story and post them here in this topic, so that the story becomes more and more complete. This is just the first part I wrote today and I don`t know how it will go on...)
Slowly night had crawled across the sky.
Dante set on the windowside of his apartment and watched the approaching storm.
Dark clouds were drifting northwards and had formed a black carpet that hid moon and stars.
„Dante, tell me what you see.“ The voice was gentle and calm.
Dante did not turn around. He knew that noone would be there and that he was the only one who could hear it – the keeper`s voice.
„Storm is coming.“ He did not want to speak at the moment. He did not want to think about the things happening outside.
„What do you see, Dante? Are you sure that it is just a storm?“
Dante sighed. „No, someone has freed them. The things you have forseen are happening now.“
Soft laughter filled the air.
„You know what you have to do. Go, Dante, go...“
He stood up and, with a last glance out of the window, he left the room.
Hunting had begun.
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Mar 30, 2010 5:52 am
my comments and amendments will be in purpleDecendantOfTheRose (Because I don`t write many texts in English, I decided to do a kind of patchwork. I will now and then write parts of a story and post them here in this topic, so that the story becomes more and more complete. This is just the first part I wrote today and I don`t know how it will go on...) Slowly night had crawled across the sky. Personally, I feel that "crawled across" wouldn't be accurate as the sun tends to go up or down and the sun tends to be fairly predictable. Maybe something like "As dusk decended, the darkness appeared to cloak the world" or link the first and next sentence "The sun appeared to slowly set as Dante sat at his window to watch the storm roll in." (Just examples)Dante set sat on the window sidesill of his apartment and watched the approaching storm. Dark clouds were drifting northwards and had formed a black carpet that hid moon and stars. „Dante, tell me what you see.“ Dialogue: "(same speech marks either side)". Some word documents open and close marks for you but they're both at the top of the sentence, not the bottom and top. The voice was gentle and calm. Dante did not turn around. He knew that noone would be there and that he was the only one who could hear it – the keeper`s voice. „Storm is coming.“ He did not want to speak at the moment. He did not want to think about the things happening outside. „What do you see, Dante? Are you sure that it is just a storm?“ Dante sighed. „No, someone has freed them. The things you have forseen are happening now.“ Soft laughter filled the air. „You know what you have to do. Go, Dante, go...“ He stood up and, with a last glance out of the window, he left the room. Hunting had begun.
Just minor tweaks needed really, like being clear on the imagery so that it sounds accurate (as mentioned above).
Hope you keep it up! <3
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Apr 02, 2010 3:42 am
elementalWITHIN my comments and amendments will be in purpleDecendantOfTheRose (Because I don`t write many texts in English, I decided to do a kind of patchwork. I will now and then write parts of a story and post them here in this topic, so that the story becomes more and more complete. This is just the first part I wrote today and I don`t know how it will go on...) Slowly night had crawled across the sky. Personally, I feel that "crawled across" wouldn't be accurate as the sun tends to go up or down and the sun tends to be fairly predictable. Maybe something like "As dusk decended, the darkness appeared to cloak the world" or link the first and next sentence "The sun appeared to slowly set as Dante sat at his window to watch the storm roll in." (Just examples)Dante set sat on the window sidesill of his apartment and watched the approaching storm. Dark clouds were drifting northwards and had formed a black carpet that hid moon and stars. „Dante, tell me what you see.“ Dialogue: "(same speech marks either side)". Some word documents open and close marks for you but they're both at the top of the sentence, not the bottom and top. The voice was gentle and calm. Dante did not turn around. He knew that noone would be there and that he was the only one who could hear it – the keeper`s voice. „Storm is coming.“ He did not want to speak at the moment. He did not want to think about the things happening outside. „What do you see, Dante? Are you sure that it is just a storm?“ Dante sighed. „No, someone has freed them. The things you have forseen are happening now.“ Soft laughter filled the air. „You know what you have to do. Go, Dante, go...“ He stood up and, with a last glance out of the window, he left the room. Hunting had begun.
Just minor tweaks needed really, like being clear on the imagery so that it sounds accurate (as mentioned above).
Hope you keep it up! <3 Thanks for your help! heart I`m so happy about your try to help me with my English, because I really know that it needs some kind of practice... The speech marks are a problem. I know that they have to be at the top of the sentence, but my word documents do it wrong (maybe because they are German and not English). I don`t know whether I can change it or not. I will keep on practicing and sometimes post something here... Hope it will get better... 3nodding
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Apr 02, 2010 2:39 pm
DecendantOfTheRose Thanks for your help! heart I`m so happy about your try to help me with my English, because I really know that it needs some kind of practice... The speech marks are a problem. I know that they have to be at the top of the sentence, but my word documents do it wrong (maybe because they are German and not English). I don`t know whether I can change it or not. I will keep on practicing and sometimes post something here... Hope it will get better... 3nodding
With practice your English will definately improve, there's no doubt about that. Particularly when you write pieces for forums like this and people can give you advice on how to do it better.
Personally, I think it's harder for you to learn to write creatively rather than just to write to be understood. This being because you have to both write clearly AND structure your sentences properly, use interesting words as well as make sure it all sounds interesting.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
