|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Tue Mar 16, 2010 5:51 pm
Author's Note;;
I kind of got this idea out of nowhere... but it's not as bad as I thought it would be. I know it's way shorter then what some of the great authors here write. sweatdrop My bad. I'm really anxious to see what you guys think when you read it. X 3
Thanks ♥♥
Update;;
I don't know, but, nobody is reading my work.
Well, maybe you guys just haven't gotten the time or something...
If anybody wants to read it- it's gonna be here X 3
And probably with many more installations-
Even if nobody reads it, I enjoy writing this.
Thanks... heart
Table of Contents;;
Intro- Page One
Chapter 1- Page 1
Chapter 2- Page 2
~
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Mar 16, 2010 6:02 pm
IntroductionThe winters in Pennsylvania are not a fun time for me. I mean, they used to be, when I was little and clung to my friends and my home, and the small population of my family living in the city, and the snow. I loved the snow.
This year the snow bothered me, however. I loved missing school and being able to finally spend some time with the parents, but I hated the cold and the way I felt so round because I was always so bundled up when I was going outside.
Today wasn't really one of those days. It was warm and my parents said they had a suprise for me and my little sister Angela. my mom kept us guessing until my dad got home.
"Tell us at least what it starts with mom, that's all we want to know." Angela is two years younger then me. I am sixteen and she is fourteen, still in love in love with animals, like she's always been. My mom sighs. "A 't'."
"Twix!" My sister erupts with things that start with the letter t.
"A tiki torch, toys, King Tut..."
My dad finally walks in holding a paper in his hand through the garage door. "Hello family."
"What's the suprise?" Angela is about ready to go insane.
He hands the paper to me. "San Juan? This doesn't start with a 't'."
"Read some more."
I do. "Travel Tickets!" I smile, were going to San Juan, Puerto Rico. My mother is from Puerto Rico and were going to stay with my abuelita.
***
[Three Weeks Later]
We finally arrive in the airport at San Juan at 3 PM. It's a bright colored airport that has lot's of plants, and windows revealing the planes taking off, and the brilliant greenery outside.
I was wearing a shirt that I said "I adore you" In French across the front, and all my other random articles of clothes. My hair is straigtened, my bangs were shiny, which was a nice thing to see once in a while. I had my purple ipod's headphones in my ear. I was listening to Madonna's "La isla Bonita"
"Tropical the island breeze
All of nature wild and free
This is where I long to be
La isla bonita
And when the samba played
The sun would set so high
Ring through my ears and sting my eyes
Your Spanish lullaby"
There was a young guy, about my age selling newspapers around the gift shops. I noticed him pretty much because he was yelling it in spanish, which was a little hard for me to understand. He was tanned, with brown hair that was smoothed back, an average height, wearing a black tee shirt and a golden necklace. His eyes were big and the shade was a little darker then a hazel. He also had on a pair of black converse with, now that I looked at them a little better, looked like he had drawn pictures of Bob Marley on them with Neon Sharpies.
After a minute, I finally, and pretty foolishly, noticed that I had been staring at him this whole time like an idiot, and that my sister had already driven my parents away to one of the gift shops and that he was waving to me with an awkward look on his face.
I bit my lip and started walking elsewhere to go find my mom, dad, and Angela. After all, this is a huge airport. Chapter 1
We drove for about an hour until we finally reached my abuelita's house. It's very small, one floor, painted white. It has flowers growing from every crevice of the place, and when I was young this house used to be a crazy sort of heaven for me.
As I walked in, I saw all of the school photos that my mom had been sending of my and Angela. There was one from when I was just three years old, I was sitting in a basket of sunflowers, one of them in my hair. I was a little bit more pale back then, My hair was always straight, with tendrils of curls in my face. There weren't as many pictures of my sister as there were of me. I was guessing that was because I've always made an effort to learn spanish and try and communicate with my grandmother, while Angela tried her best to ignore her, and was pretty rude to her most of the time.
We decided to go to the beach the first day. My mom's friend, Lourdes, brought her two sons, and her oldest showed me around the beach and the stores that circled around it.
He spoke english, not fluently, and he was pretty bad at lying, but it was nice of him to try and speak.
We walked along the side of the beach where they weren't many people, but there was yet another scream coming from the water about another shark.
"You want to get out of here?" He asked.
"To where?"
"I got the keys to my mom's car, you want to go to the water park in Arecibo?"
Arecibo is about half an hour away from here. I turned around to see how far away we were from our parents, and seeing that they were all the way on the other side, taking pictures, I said yes and we snuck over to the car.
As we started off form the beach, he turned on the radio really loud. "You listen to reggaeton?"
I shrug. I know what it is, i's like rap or hip hop music but spanish. "It's alright."
"You like Daddy Yankee?"
"Yeah, Daddy Yankee, I was watching him on the latin grammies." I say, turning from him and looking out the window. My phone started vibrating and I took it out, only to see that I had about fifty messages from my best friend, Chloe.
"HEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYY SHAREBEAR CALLL MEEE HALEIGhh'S SiKK!!!"
And that's what pretty much all of the messages said.
I texted her back:
"Hey Zachloe, what's wrong with your lover Hal's?"
She texted me back almsot immidiately.
"Hahahaa shes throwing up!! : O
I'm borrrredddddd
U no wht I sjkdhguklserh..."
I texted her back:
"Chloe--- whyss she throwing up and why do u sound like your wasted??? > : S"
Reply:
"I wassss silly billyy. I waasssss.
And hal drank 222 muchhh so she sick now heheedsakgha"
This whole time Jose (Lourdes's son) had the music up so loud he pretty much forgot I was in the car with him.
"U DIDNT" Was my reply
"Hehe I didsss!!!! dontt beee a nerddd"
"talk to me later when your nottt wastedd
KK gotta gooo ♥ >: (" We finally were at the water park, I had thirty dollars in my pocket, which I hoped was enough.
When we finally got to the front of the long line, Jose wouldn't let me pay, so when he went into the changing room and left his pants on the bench next to me, I put fifteen dollars in the right pocket just before he came back out.
"Which ride you want to go on first?" He asked.
"Whatever you want,"
He shrugged. "You sure?"
I nod. "Waterslides."
We run up the stairs, both of us holding a gigantic air filled tube that we have to use when we go down the massive slides.
We finally reach the top.
"s**t, this thing is huge."I say.
"Want me to hold you hand?"
"No thanks, I'm good." I hop onto the big tube and he hops on too. "Ready?"
"Yeah, let go of the railing," He let's go and we ride the gigantic thing a couple times after that, laughing when we hit the pool that waits for us at the bottom.
We walked around the park some more and found this boat ride that runs out the be a roller coaster where you get shot with water at every corkscrew, which Jose loved.
We got off the ride and he took off his towel and gave it to me.
"Uh, thanks." He smiles. "Did you have fun?"
I nodded, grinning. "Yeah, thanks for taking me."
"You know it's my spring break too, we could do this again tomorrow."
I smiled and remembered that we werent't even supposed to be here in the first place.
"Jose, can you take me back to my abuelita's house?"
He looks around for a clock. "Oh, oh man, sorry."
On the way back, he stops and buys some Puertorican water-ice from a stand on the side of the road next to another stand selling fruits. "You want anything else?"
"No I'm good, but, you don't need to be so nice to me, Jose. Remember this?"
I tickled him a little bit, and he laughed and chased me all around the fruit stand until we almost knocked a couple of baskets of fruit over. We used to play tag and chase each other the last time I came to Puerto Rico, when I was eleven.
He laughed and told me he would be right back, he went to the car to put what he'd bought in there.
I stood there, waiting for him to get back, when I saw somebody walking down the street with a handful of newspapers in his hands. It's the guy from the airport.
"Hola Senor Garcia," He drops the newspapers on the table inf ront of the guy that just sold us the ice cream.
"¿Qué quieres Estefan?" (What do you want Estefan?)
"Quería saber si desea adquirir alguna de estas,"("I wanted to know if you wanted to buy any of these,")
He answers. I walk over to Jose's car. "Hey, you ready to go?"
Estefan turns around and looks at me. "¿Quién es ella?" ("Who is she?")
"Sólo un turista," ("Just a Tourist,")
He nods, picks up his stack of news papers, and walks over to the car. "Hola, ¿hablas español?" ("Hey, do you speak spanish?")
"Un poco," ("A little bit,") I replied.
"And my english, I know a little bit too." He smiles. Jose gets out of the car. "No queremos que comprar nada," ("We don't wanna buy anything,") "Estoy pidiendo a la niña," (I'm asking the girl.")
"I'll buy one," I say.
He grins. "¿Cuánto es?" ("How much?") I ask.
"Cincuenta centavos," ("Fifity Cents.")
I hand him a dollar. "Gracias," He hands me fifty cents back out off his pocket. "Keep it," I say.
He gives me the money and the newspaper anyway. "Like Puerto Rico?"
"It's beautiful here," He smiles.
"This time your first, yes?"
I shake my head. "My mom is from here,"
"What town is she from?"
"Moca," I say. "And you?"
"San Sebastian." He replies.
"Alexa, let's go." Jose chimes in and starts the car, patting the seat beside him. "Oh, well see you." I say as I reluctantly get in the car. He sighs and waves, I roll down my window.
"I'm Alexa by the way,"
"Estefan." He tells me his.
"You go to the beach in Arecibo alot?"
I say. "You do?" He asks.
"Estaré allí mañana," ("I'll be there tomorrow.")
Jose speeds away before Estefan can say anything else.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Mar 16, 2010 6:29 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Mar 17, 2010 5:59 pm
Gaaah;
Nobody is reading it gonk
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Mar 20, 2010 8:35 pm
Chapter 2
Jose struggled to keep me up on his shoulders as we played chicken at the beach with two other friends. The girl pushed me down and I finally fell off of Jose's shoulders, tumbling into the water. We were both laughing hysterically, even though there wasn't much that was funny about us losing.
"Let's play again?" I said as I got up.
"How about we do something else? I kinda just want to sit down."
I shrugged. "Alright,"
I laid on a big towel for a couple of minutes, Jose went to go get himself some ice cream.
I plugged in my ear phones and let Madonna sing to me.
I started to fall asleep, when I felt someone a tap on my shoulder. "Jose?" I mumbled.
"Who's Jose?" He said in spanish.
I took my glasses off, and saw that it was actually Estefan, with a stack of newspapers in hand, as usual.
"Oh, hi." He smiles, and then turns away, a shy look on his face.
"Hola,"
It's quiet for a second, and then he says something in spanish, and then in english. "How the beach?"
I shrug. "It's nice, You come here a-lot?"
"To sell things to tourists? Yeah, kind of a-lot."
"You sound like you don't really like it," I say.
"Well, I should be happy that I even have a job."
I nod.
"You wanna sit down?" I pat the space beside me on the beach towel, he shrugs, puts his newspapers down and sits.
"So, you mind if I ask you, who's Jose?" he asks.
"A boy,"
He bites his lip, looking down, and then back up at me.
"Just a friend though. My mom's friend's son."
"That's cool,"
"Yeah, he's nice."
"So, I guess he's been driving you around?"
"Yeah, he's taken me to a couple of beaches, a waterpark."
"I bet I could find a nicer place to take you."
"Really?"
He smirks. "Hell, yeah. Those water parks are crap compared to the other stuff we got around here."
"Uh, Hey Alexa, what's this guy doing here?" Jose kneels down beside me and hands me a popsicle that's beginning to melt.
"Oh, um, I don't know if you guys met officially yet... Jose this is Estefan, Estefan this is Jose."
They glare at each other for a couple of seconds, and then Estefan says: "Hey, man."
"Hey," Jose says.
"You guys know each other?"
"Yeah, this guy goes to my high school." Estefan says.
"Oh, cool." I say, but I'm still getting the vibe that they dislike each other.
"I need help with something Alexa, come with me for a second."
Jose says, taking my arm and walking me all the way to the ice-cream truck, where we can see Estefan in the distance, kicking sand and waiting for us to get back.
"How do you know that jackass?"
"Jose, I just met him yesterday. And why is he a jackass?"
"He's not a good guy, Alexa. Please, I want you to believe me."
I shrug. "What does he do drugs? Is he an addict? A rapist?"
Jose rolls his eyes. "Just leave him be,"
"If your not going to tell me what's so wrong with him, then I guess nothing is that wrong, is it?" I started running to the side of the beach where Estefan waited, Jose starting walking, far behind.
"What was that about?" Estefan asks.
"He's being a-"
"Jackass?"
"How do you say it in spanish? Culo?"
Estefan bursts out laughing.
"I'm sorry, but you sound like a freaking gringa..."
"Shut up,"
"Ahaha, sorry. How you Americans mix it up makes me crack up."
I shrug. "You talk pretty funny when your speaking english,"
"Yeah?"
"You sound like an illegal immigrant,"
He rolls his eyes, defiantly, but teasing.
"¿Es esa chica derecho estadounidense?"
("Is that right American girl?")
I nod. "And you say your Puerto Rican?"
I nod again.
"Well then, you need to know more about your culture."
"Well, then show me."
"I have the day off tomorrow, you want to come to San Juan with me?"
"I would love to, but, I don't know if my parents-"
"I have an idea for that."
"Yeah?"
"Tell them that your with your little amigo Jose. If Jose calls, tell him your sick,"
"What if my parents call him to ask where I am?"
"Leave it to me."
"Alright, pick me up at the water park?"
"How you going to get there?"
"Leave it to me."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat May 08, 2010 12:33 am
CRITIQUEabove the eiffel tower IntroductionThe winters in Pennsylvania are not a fun time for me. I mean, they used to be, when I was little and clung to my friends and my home, and the small population of my family living in the city, and the snow. I loved the snow. (I wouldn't change font size in a written piece. Just write, it's a good opening though.)
This year the snow bothered me, however. I loved missing school and being able to finally spend some time with the parents, but I hated the cold and the way I felt so round (Try using something a little more descriptive than "round". I've often commented on feeling like "the abominable snowman (yeti)") because I was always so bundled up when I was going outside.
Today wasn't really one of those days. It was warm and my parents said they had a suprise for me and my little sister Angela. my mom kept us guessing until my dad got home.
"Tell us at least what it starts with mom, that's all we want to know." Angela is two years younger then "than" me. I am sixteen and she is fourteen, still in love in love with animals, like she's always been. My mom sighs. "A 't'."
"Twix!" My sister erupts with things that start with the letter t.
"A tiki torch, toys, King Tut..."
My dad finally walks in holding a paper in his hand through the garage door. "Hello family."
"What's the suprise?" Angela is about ready to go insane.
He hands the paper to me. "San Juan? This doesn't start with a 't'."
"Read some more."
I do. "Travel Tickets!" I smile, were going to San Juan, Puerto Rico. My mother is from Puerto Rico and were going to stay with my abuelita. (What's an abuelita?)
***
[Three Weeks Later] (Rather than stating the jump in time. Try writing about it, "The next three weeks felt like they would never end; I was fit to burst from the excitement that continued to build. Finally, the long awaited date arrived")
We finally arrive in the airport at San Juan at 3 PM. It's a bright colored airport that has lot's "lots" of plants, and windows revealing the planes taking off, and the brilliant greenery outside.
I was wearing a shirt that I said "I adore you" In French across the front, and all my other random articles of clothes. My hair is straigtened, my bangs were shiny, which was a nice thing to see once in a while. I had my purple ipod's headphones in my ear. I was listening to Madonna's "La isla Bonita"
"Tropical the island breeze
All of nature wild and free
This is where I long to be
La isla bonita
And when the samba played
The sun would set so high
Ring through my ears and sting my eyes
Your Spanish lullaby"
There was a young guy, about my age selling newspapers around the gift shops. I noticed him pretty much because he was yelling it in spanish, which was a little hard for me to understand. He was tanned, with brown hair that was smoothed back, an average height, wearing a black tee shirt and a golden necklace. His eyes were big and the shade was a little darker then "than" a hazel. He also had on a pair of black converse with, now that I looked at them a little better, looked like he had drawn pictures of Bob Marley on them with Neon Sharpies. (Rather than giving vague ideas, try being more certain with your descriptions: "chocolate brown" for example, rather than "a little darker than hazel")
After a minute, I finally, and pretty foolishly, noticed that I had been staring at him this whole time like an idiot, and that my sister had already driven my parents away to one of the gift shops and that he was waving to me with an awkward look on his face. (Narrative needs a little tweak, try something like: "I suddenly realised I'd been caught staring at him; I awkwardly withdrew my gaze as the boy waved uncertainly at me.")
I bit my lip and started walking elsewhere to go find my mom, dad, and Angela. After all, this is a huge airport.
The main points really are:
You need to look at your grammar - you've been using words like "then" instead of "than".
Syntax - mainly just a regig or your wording so that the sentences flow better. I've given you a few examples in the piece.
You clearly have a good eye for describing people and settings but you just need to polish up on the actual words you use. Again, I posted a couple of examples in the piece.
Another point to mention is the tense - there seems to be some jumping to and fro with past and present. Just have a read through and see what you can catch.
Have fun biggrin
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
