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[Q] Sailor Albireo, Senshi of Swans [Crits?]

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Orangeish Sherbert

Rebel Millionaire

PostPosted: Tue Mar 16, 2010 4:26 pm


Name: Odette Matthews

Nicknames: Debt, Odie

Age: 16

Birthday: April 12th, 1995

Sign: Aries

Blood Type: A

Fav. Food: Funnel cake, or any other foods that you find at carnivals. She can’t get enough of them.

Hated Food: Peas; they're like little balls of disgusting.

School: Medowview

Eyes: Deep green
Hair: Light brown, pulled into pigtails with two strands of hair framing her face. The strands are slightly wavy. Bangs as well, covering her eyebrows. With her pigtails, she clips them to the sides of her head, making a round looped shape, and causing tufts of hair to stick up.
Appearance: Fair skin, freckles across her nose, always wears some sort of eye shadow, normally a smoky grey.

Hobbies:

History– While not a math genius, nor a science geek, Odette manages to scrape by with at least B’s in her classes, though she has never made below an A in any History classes. She loves learning about anything that has happened in the past. It is always so much fun to see the mistakes and triumphs that people have made. Odette loves to spend time in the library researching things on her own, and can be found in there on a school day almost as often as people can find her in the pottery classroom.

Pottery- Dirt is fantastic. The feel of the clay squishing through Odette’s fingers is one of the most amazing feelings in the world to her. After a year or so of begging, her mother got her a pottery wheel and a small kiln in order for her to continue her ceramics at home. She is very fond of replicating historical events with her clay and kiln, sometimes she builds whole sets of troops and reenacts battles with them, both for her own amusement, and sometimes for the amusement of whoever is watching her.

Improv- After a night of boredom, Odette was flipping through the television channels and stumbled upon a show that featured improvisational comedy. She found it quite amusing, though it didn't strike her as something she would be good at until one day during her drama class she found she was quite good at coming up with witty remarks, and making others laugh.
Her new goal, aside from trying to expand the historical fiction section in the school library, is to start up an Improv club, all she needs now is members.

Gemstone: Diamond

Virtues:


Just give me a moment, I’ll come up with something. – Odette has always been a quick thinker, a girl full of fast wit and ideas. They may not always be the best or most efficient ideas, but they work in a pinch. Something is always better than nothing, right? As her favorite elementary school teacher always said. It's better to have some points than to have a zero. Part of her quick thinking, is the ability to come up with wild excuses, some that have saved her in dire homework situations, or the situations where she 'forgets' that she has class and spends her day buried in the library.

Of course dreams can come true.– Odette has a very childish, romantic outlook on life. She believes that good things can happen, no matter what the odds say. She loves fairy tales, and always has hope for things to get better…seemingly against the odds sometimes. Even though there's not the excitement of the battles like there are in the time of the Civil war, Odette likes to learn about the Renaissance era, if only for the romance of it. Secretly, she does want to meet a prince, live in a castle and find her happily ever after, though she won't admit it. It's things like this, happy endings, that sometimes fuel her daydreams.

Need any help? I’m willing to listen and help out! – If a friend is having a problem, Odette will always lend an ear, wanting to be someone that her friends can count on. She is a venting post, someone who can listen, and nod and try to give advice, though, is mostly good just for listening. Most of her friends who do go to her for her advice end up going to her due to her knowledge of history. Odette has a habit of relating real present time problems to those of the past. Thinking of cheating on your boyfriend? Odette will launch into a story about Henry the Eighth and how he beheaded most of his wives, some for upsetting him, some for cheating on him and some for just not bearing him a proper heir. Sometimes her stories go a little off topic, but they’re normally good advice and relevant to the issue at hand.

Flaws:

Ah! Please…don’t distract me.– Odette has the unfortunate problem of her mind wondering very easily. She loves to daydream, and sometimes, this causes problems for her. She ended up almost breaking her nose while she was walking, due to daydreaming and running into a telephone pole that she somehow missed. To this day she doesn’t understand how she missed a concrete, large telephone pole. Sometimes this causes her to miss very important things that people around her say. Her mom told her to pick up bread at the store on her way home? Sure. She went to the store. She got ketchup instead, thinking her mom told her to pick up something red. Little mishears like that cause problems with her family and her friends.

Ugh. You people.– Odette has a very difficult time expressing things that are on her mind and bothering people when they do things that upset her. She lets it all bottle up inside, and by the time she does talk about it, she has a very short fuse and often ends up making a mountain out of what should have been a simple molehill.
Quite often, after letting her emotions fester, Odette can explode, saying anything and anything that she is feeling. This is often when the mountain that may have been made from not expressing herself, becomes an active volcano, breaking friendships, and leaving Odette quite alone at times.

Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll...? With almost always living in the past, Odette has a difficult time keeping up with the present. This tends to make her somewhat naive to terminology of the day, and has caused her to get into a few situations that she was uncomfortable with. One example that she can remember vividly was when she was walking with a friend from Hillworth, and he was talking about hemp and how much he liked it. The only hemp that Odette knew about was the hemp ropes which had been around for centuries! She was quite a bit surprised when she found out he had been talking about marijuana and not the ropes that were used on the first sailing ships.
PostPosted: Tue Mar 16, 2010 4:29 pm


Sailor Albireo


Senshi: Senshi: Sailor Albireo – Senshi of Swans User Image


Challenge: You’ll listen to the song of the swans!


Sailor Scout Attack: Honking Distraction!
Sailor Albireo clasps her hands together and closes her eyes, opening her mouth and letting out the strangest sound, like that of a Trumpeter Swan. This then echos around the battle, seeming to come from all around, giving the impression that there are more swans or more people around.
The effect can be confusing, especially if Sailor Albiero is not in sight of the battle. It lasts for fifteen seconds and can be used twice per battle.

Super Sailor Scout Attack: Ugly Duckling Diversion!
Sailor Albireo focuses on an enemy and lets out a soft cry, arching her neck, and opening her arms. A soft white light surrounds her, and if the enemy were in the middle of attacking another of her fellow senshi, so long as they were her rank or lower, they would end up attacking her in the place of the other. The power makes her seem out of place, and more like the true threat. Though, once used, this attack can not be used again in the battle. The effects last for thirty seconds.

Eternal Sailor Attack: Swan Storm!

Albireo opens her arms and a shrill wind picks up for a moment, followed by the sound of many trumpeter swans. The sounds then take shape, in something like a mist form, with the swans going after up to two opponents, trapping them in the middle of what seems to be a flock of very vocal, very angry swans.
This can give Albireo time to escape if need be, and the noise of the swans can cover most of the sounds that are going on outside of the swan storm.
The swans can last for a minute, unless attacked, in which case they dissolve into mist, though the honking only fades completely when the minute is up.This attack can be used once per battle.

Fuku Colour: ONLY IF SENSHI OR CAVALIER. Main and secondary. Give us a hex if you'd like. The bodices of senshi will always be white, except for in the case of parallel senshi -- those will be black.
Main Color: Pale blue
Secondary Color: Green
Color Chart
My ref.

Fuku: ELEMENTS TO THINK ABOUT FOR SENSHI, FEMALE AND MALE -- YOU DON'T HAVE TO HAVE THESE, JUST THINK ABOUT THEM

Collar – None
Bow – Thin blue bow
Bodice – Corset style bodice white, with blue ribbons threading through it. The ribbons tie off at the top and become her bow.
Sleeves – Blue puffy sleeves with green accents.
Brooch – Shaped like a white Swan.
Bottoms – Short ballet style skirt. See Ref D for ideas A green color, with a blue trim, perhaps? Or blue accents. Bloomers coming out from underneath, puffy and with a ruffle at the bottom, just below her knees.
Tiara – CC for this. I have no ideas, but…some sort of like…ballet tiara. Have fun with it!
Choker – Classic blue choker
Shoes – Pale blue ballerina style shoes with a very small heel and a strap at the ankle. X
Gloves – Wrist length lace fingerless gloves with green on the ends X
Accessories – CC, whatever you think is pretty! User Image

Orangeish Sherbert

Rebel Millionaire


Orangeish Sherbert

Rebel Millionaire

PostPosted: Tue Mar 16, 2010 4:30 pm


Family Life
PostPosted: Tue Mar 16, 2010 7:01 pm


Reserved

Orangeish Sherbert

Rebel Millionaire


Orangeish Sherbert

Rebel Millionaire

PostPosted: Thu Apr 14, 2011 9:55 am


Open for Crits~ =o
PostPosted: Sun Apr 17, 2011 8:02 pm


FOR THE CIVILIAN:

Her hobbies could definitely use some fleshing out. I think hobbies are one of the biggest opportunities we get to show how our character is special. I really enjoy her pottery hobby. It tells us that she is a bit creative, and it is also a good hobby to do an RP about. The history one is a little less multi-purpose. It tells us what her favorite subject is at school -- but what else can it tell us? Does she run a history club? Does she want to be a historian when she grows up? If you keep that, I would make sure that you let that hobby tell us as much as possible about Odette.

Here is a little guideline I wrote up for myself that might be helpful to you:

Quote:
Hobbies are probably one of the most undervalued parts on a character profile – and they shouldn’t be. The virtues and flaws are the skeleton of your budding creation, but the hobbies are the face and features. One of the most common mistakes people make when writing hobbies is making them too generic.

Take “writing” or “reading” as a hobby. Are these hobbies? Why, yes, yes they are. Are they boring and seen on every other profile from here to eternity? Why, yes! They are. There is nothing wrong with creating a character who loves writing and reading, but in stating it with those two generic, cookie-cutter terms, you may has well of written BLAH BLAH BLAH for the hobby.

Instead of keeping it generic, ask yourself – what kind of writing and reading would my character like? There is a HUGE different between someone who writes epic poems about ninjas and aliens in their attic and someone who blogs about fashion. Don’t have your character like writing; have them like writing mystery novels, roleplaying Harry Potter online, creating long moving poetry about the world around them, composing love letters to prison inmates, joining discussions on pet chat boards, or filling page after page of sheet music. In this way, you can say much, much more about your character with that one hobby. Someone who likes “reading science fiction” is infinitely more appealing than someone who likes “reading” – just like someone who enjoys “writing letters to the editor” is more eye-catching than someone who just likes “writing.”

If you are stuck on hobbies, try to reference your characters virtues/flaws for inspiration. Did you write an “obsessive” character? Ask yourself what someone who is obsessive would enjoy doing.

Remember: getting a character is a contest. You don’t want your character to be forgettable. You don’t want to write Johnny Dime-a-dozen. When contest are judged or threads are perused for quest fairying, you want your character to feel like a person, not a fill-in-the-blank.


Moving on to virtues/flaws, I think you could use some developing across the board. Try to aim for a full paragraph on each of these, as opposed to a sentence or two. You want to show us how Odette is a unique, memorable character compared to everyone else. You don't just want her to be "devoted." You want her to have her own particular brand of devotion, whether that is to her own goals, her friends, or maybe just to causes. The more detail you add, the more we will understand Odette as a person.

For example, her first virtue reads like "decisive." So you might want to reword it to focus on all the ways that she is decisive in life. Has she known what she wants to be since she was six? Does she never have a hard time picking what movie to see? Is she the kind of person who is happy to make the hard decision when other people get hung up on discussing what ifs for hours on end?

The second virtue seems like "fairy tale outlook." I like what you have so far. Just expand on it. Is she willing to believe most things? Is she the type to declare herself madly in love after one good date? Is she the kind of person who looks for happy endings in every day situations? I'd explore this.

The "listener" trait is on a good 40% of the profiles that I critique. That doesn't mean that it isn't a good thing! But since I am just giving you straight up criticism, I would recommend trying to develop something a little less mundane. Maybe, because she is such a decisive person, she is actually a big advice-giver. So one of her virtues could be about how she likes listening to people because she likes giving them advice to fix their problems. It's up to you! I just think this one needs more development.

In terms of flaws, I really like her "daydreamer" one. It definitely fits with her "fairy tale outlook" virtue. I think you might want to add a sentence or two about how her capacity to let her mind wander hurts her relationships too. Does she sometimes tune out of a conversation? Does she forget things? Does she ignore her responsibilities sometimes because something shiny came by?

The second and third traits are more or less saying the exact same thing. I would just combine them into one larger trait about how she gets bent out of shape when people either ignore her advice or don't ask HER how she doing. I think that could be a well-developed trait if combined.

Then I would add in another flaw to balance the profile out. If you need some help coming up one, maybe look over this list and see if anything catches your eye.

FOR THE SENSHI:

In general, you need to go in and put time limits on her attacks. It's good that you say how many times per battle she can do it, but may sure you also include the duration of it (i.e. 15 seconds, 30 seconds). It's also important to include weaknesses to the attack, or the ways that someone might be able to deflect/dodge/avoid it.

We have a Senshi of Feathers who has feather-based attacks already so I would caution you against going the feather route when it comes to your ideas for Albireo. Your first stage attack is almost identical to hers, for example -- and she already exists!

Instead of using 'feathers' as a basis, I would try to pick something that is characteristic of swans, instead of just a random attribute relating to birds. It could have something to do with their gracefulness, perhaps. They are also able to call out vocally across a wide range. Some mate for life. You could do a spin on 'swans' in the context of The Ugly Duckling. Perhaps her ability has something to do with making her appear like a 'swan' amongst ducklings, drawing the attacks of the enemies at her instead of others. You'd have to tread lightly here and make sure it relates back to swans -- but it could be a cool direction to take her in.

I hope that helped get your creative juices flowing!

Akina Tokuwa


Orangeish Sherbert

Rebel Millionaire

PostPosted: Sat Apr 30, 2011 11:02 pm


All right! Did some major overhaul on Odette!
Changed her first two attacks, and gave a bit more detail of why her final attack would be relevant to Swans.
Combined the two flaws and added another, as well as expanded the first.
Expanded her virtues and tied everything in with her hobbies. =D
PostPosted: Mon May 09, 2011 2:26 pm


ON THE CIVILIAN:

Great revisions, looks good.

ON THE SENSHI:

I really adore where you took her first two attacks. I even think you could let her honking attack happen twice per battle, instead of just once. The eternal attack is still running into a few problems, unfortunately. Regular and super attacks are about distraction, which is great. Her eternal should then, I think, also be about distraction. Having the ability to lift herself and three others and fly a half-mile away is too strong. She would be able to get out of any battle very easily -- and take her friends with her.

Instead of going with this flight idea, I think you could possibly have her summon "energy" swans that swarm the battlefield (you'd need to define the total area that this would effect) and make honking noises for a short period of time, allowing herself and allies to escape. I'd make sure you specifiy that these are not real swans and do cause physical damage. This is just one idea though! I just think you should stick to these distraction-based attacks when it comes to eternal.

Akina Tokuwa


Akina Tokuwa

PostPosted: Tue May 24, 2011 8:14 am


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