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 Posted: Fri Mar 12, 2010 5:47 pm
Rating: I suppose PG-17
Criticism: Sure, but please go easy I'm new at this, it's the first poem I've ever made public...
The veil of death has many purposes;
Abyss lies in wait within the dark hood.
You need to clean filth from its abuses?
Grasp the veil, purify your soul of blood.
You need to erase unholy arson?
Thrust down the veil, smother the inferno.
Struck and tortured by some other person?
Hide within the veil to mask the sorrow.
Need shelter upon which you may depend?
The veil drapes you and conceals you in shade.
When the bell tolls and you wish it to end
Don the veil, let it fade away your life.
The veil of darkness drains out your lifeblood;
It conceals only lies under its hood.
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Posted: Sun Mar 14, 2010 11:22 pm
I love the hardcore violent tone twisted
It makes my blood boil
I feel like rioting the streets
too bad it's 1am
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Posted: Wed Mar 17, 2010 12:28 pm
✖It's always best when your emotions reflect in the words
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Posted: Thu Mar 18, 2010 10:04 am
Repetition is a powerful, tried and true poetic device. I love the repetition of asking a question. It's a great rhetorical device.
I read this one (in my head) and then gave it a read aloud. The poem really benefits from being read aloud. It's more aural than visual.
The only suggestion I could make is that you have some really distinct imagery, but it could be extended. You sort of vacillate between really tactile images and abstract concepts (Hide within the veil to mask the sorrow).
I would recommend trying to eliminate the abstract ideas. It would make your poem more immediate and visceral.
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