Welcome to Gaia! ::

This is my second attempt, because the other didn't get even 1 crit. crying snif snif SO please crit if theirs anything wrong with anything.
1.Jerry Timblex
2.Sailor Dionysus
3.Family
4.Myth and what not.

Plz visit my other quest :]Amblygonite

Senshi: Sailor Dionysus, Senshi of Agriculture (or Dion, for short.)

Challenge:

long: In the name of the Pince/Princess and the power invested in me by Dionysus, I command you to Halt You Bad Seed!

Short: Halt you Bad seed!

Fuku : Go crazy!

Attacks:

#1: Earth's Might
He puts his hand in front of him and yells PLOW! Then, the earth will appear as if it has just been plowed, leaving it muddy and dirty. It will throw the ennemy of track and trip. Can be used 3 times a battle. Can be dodged if the foe is quick on their feet. But, it can hurt allies cuz Dion can't control where it goes.

#1b: Earth's Shoot
Same activation as above. Except is plows 3 rows and goes in a straight line. Some crops grow sometimes too. Can be used 3 times.

#2: Earth's Drawing plow
He claps, winks, and twirls his finger around. Then, Plow marks starts appearing, according to where he points his finger. The maximum lenght of the Mark is 3 feet. Random Crops will grow. If he surpasses the maximum lenght, the staring lines will dissapear and new lines will appear. Lasts 1 min. and can be used once. Dion can use it 2 times more, but it will be weaker.

Dionysus or Dionysos (pronounced /ˌdaɪ.ɵˈnaɪsəs/; Greek: Διόνυσος or Διώνυσος) is the ancient Greek god of wine, the inspirer of ritual madness and ecstasy, and a major figure of Greek mythology. He is included as one of the twelve Olympians in some lists.{ for more information, check http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dionysus }

Dionysus is an Earth-crosser in a 3.25 year orbit asteroid.

I...I have to say I'm a bit disappointed in the attacks; particularly the first two. The sphere of agriculture has a lot of potential: sowing, harvesting, grains, rakes, hoes, ,sickles, scythes, weeding, roots, irrigation, produce, plants, soil, tilling the soil and so on. The attacks currently feel generic and don't invoke a feeling "agriculture" so much as a feeling of "produce roulette".

Of course, I might just be too picky.

Generally, I like Jerry. I think he has just enough character that the rest can be developed through RP. He seems outgoing, excitable, impulsive and hot-headed. The only issue I have with his character is that the descriptions for "Jolly" and "What did you call me?!" seem to contradict each other. If he'll chuckle off whatever you throw at him and make something good out of it, why does he get so hot-headed over something so petty as a name or criticism? This is not to say that joviality and hot-headedness are mutually exclusive; only that I feel the descriptions of the virtue and the flaw need to be explained in a manner that allows for both. He sounds to me like someone with a Sanguine-Choleric temperament. Give it a look. If you find it fits him, you could try using elements of the personality type to explain his flaws and virtues.

Aside from that, there are a few spelling and grammatical errors that should probably be fixed for the sake of clarity. I'm going to be a bit nit-picky about these, but here's what was most glaring to me: Under "Planting" the word "thought" should be "taught". Under "Bet-er-Yeah," the word "wich" should be "which." "Truthly" should probably be changed to "Truthful" or "Honest"; I don't think "truthly" is a real word. Though not a spelling or grammatical issue, "What did you call me?!" should probably be "Easily Offended" or "Hot-Headed", just for ease of understanding and reference. Similarly, "Bet-er-Yeah" should be "Betting".

heart heart heart
.........

- Right now I'll warn you that this is -far- too violent a reaction, he may not like it but there are consequences to that kind of action. He won't be just seeing the wrong side of the detention door he'd likely be expelled.


- Did you have a particular place in mind? How does this ultimately influence him as a person? Is English his second language? Is he excited to be someplace like Destiny City? Does he speak english as a first language but come from a very small town? How did he get to Destiny city and why?

- Clearly he's at least a vegitarian with his hate of meat, is he also a Vegan perhaps avoiding ANY animal biproducts? is this a result of his upbringing or simply a compassion for animals?



- This seems rather unrealistic...I'm pretty sure a responsible parent would be more focused on potty training than on planing crop rotation. Perhaps say simply that he was involved with -helping- his parents care for the garden... otherwise it sounds like your trying to make him a gardening savant just because you'd like a Senshi of agriculture.

- Again, this comes out as unrealistic. It's also very limiting to his caricature development if he's insta-good at -anything- even if it was in his past. I suggest that he loved learning it, watching others whom were good at it and made many friends while practicing to be just as good
Even natural tallent gets you only so far and if he's still working in it it will be an excelent chance for social interactions.

- A little information as to why it was so fun for him would be nice. Did he like it because he made something himself from start to finish? Does he also like pickles and preserves? Does he enjoy cooking for others? This will also tie strongly into the Vegan question as if he IS vegan than butter and eggs are -right- out.


- This, besides spelling which I normally try to overlook, really needs a re-work or an outstanding explanation.
WHY is he so truthful, what drives him to this honesty? What does he do when faces with an truth that will hurt others versus "a white lie" Saying instead that he tries to be as honest as possible seems a more realistic alternative to what you are trying to convey here. A mother telling a child that fibbing is bad is exceptionally unlikely to produce such a long term result, even if he had a very small town up bringing it wouldn't eliminate the influence of others lying and the perceived benefits of it. I would utterly avoid saying he 'never' does it and say perhaps instead even that he is just a poor liar on top of his attempts to remain honest.


- This was, very hard to read so I'm guessing as best I can that he basically 'despises mean people and people who hurt animals' - that doesn't mean his merrit is 'kindness' as you have it written. Kind would be helping the bullied and the animals, but theirs a lot of hostility expressed here too.
I'm really not sure what 'spites on puppy's' is supposed to be... spits? People who experiment on animals spit on puppies? How are they hypocritical... to say they are so would mean he sees evidence of them telling OTHERS not to experiment on animals and then doing so themselves. Please we-write and clarify?


-- NO...

Please see above... there are consequences. If you walked out, got into a fight and stated punching people you are not simply going to end up in Detention. It is one thing to be hot headed, it is another entirely to -be- violent. Destiny city has a police force, most likely they have juvenile detention as well and I don't think that meadowview would be the best school for him if he even -vaguely- had a history of violence. Even if the critters approved this kind of erratic behavior I think you would be hard pressed to find anyone to RP with you.

- Unless he can't help betting on things, this is not a flaw its a hobby. If it is a compulsion you will want to greatly elaborate on how it influences him and others close to him on a day to day basis.

((more crits next post))